“I LISTEN”: A MOVEMENT TO PROMOTE MENTAL HEALTH AND THE VALUE OF LISTENING

In today’s fast-paced world, distractions from smartphones and digital devices can make it challenging for individuals to fully focus and give their attention to others in face-to-face interactions. Recognizing the deteriorating power of listening, I have started a movement called “I Listen” on my counselling and coaching profile, aimed at creating a culture of compassionate listening and raising awareness about mental health.

“I Listen” is more than just a slogan or a campaign; it is a mindset of being present for others with empathy, understanding, and without judgment. It emphasizes truly hearing someone with our hearts and minds, creating a safe space where individuals can share their thoughts and feelings without fear of dismissal.

The idea behind “I Listen” is simple but powerful: to prioritize listening as an essential element of mental health support. It acknowledges that sometimes what people need the most is someone who will listen, without trying to fix or advise, but simply be present and hold space for their emotions.

Recognising mental health is a vital aspect of overall well-being, “I Listen” seeks to destigmatize mental health challenges and create a culture where individuals feel comfortable opening up about their struggles. This movement is inclusive and encourages everyone to participate regardless of background, age, or profession. It is a call to action for individuals to be mindful of the power of listening in their interactions with others, fostering empathy and understanding in all relationships.

As the initiator of this movement, I pledged in the following manner:

I listen. I value.

Forget for a moment that I am a counsellor or coach. Instead, think of me as someone who will listen to you and value your emotions.

I am a compassionate and empathetic listener who genuinely cares about the well-being of others. Creating a safe and non-judgmental space for people to share their deepest thoughts and emotions is not just a skill of mine, but it comes naturally to me. I am always willing to lend an ear whenever someone needs to talk. I understand the power of active listening and the importance of validating people’s feelings. I am committed to helping others feel seen, heard, and understood.

If you need to pour your heart out, you can do so with me. Don’t hesitate to book a 1:1 call with me now!

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How do you want to commit to the cause I am inviting you to join?

I want “I Listen” to gain momentum and serve as a reminder that small acts of listening can make a big difference. There should be a ripple effect of what I started. It should not be contended to my profile or skill set only. I want you to speak the same language and say, “I Listen.”

Friends! I invite you to join the “I Listen” movement and make a commitment to be present, compassionate listeners for those who may be going through a tough time.

Book your first session with me: I listen

UNDERSTANDING COGNITIVE DISTORTIONS

I believe my previous experience as a non-professional counsellor and life coach was a training period for the present when I could capitalise on what I had learned over the years. What a wonderful feeling it was to discover that what I had been suggesting to people was also being used in CBT Techniques, albeit more systematically and professionally.

Cognitive distortions are irrational, inaccurate, or unhelpful thought patterns that can contribute to a variety of mental health issues such as anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. Identifying cognitive distortions can be extremely beneficial to a counsellor in treating his or her clients.

Identifying and challenging cognitive distortions is an important part of cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT), a type of psychotherapy that helps people change negative thinking and behaviour patterns.

Cognitive distortions can manifest themselves in a variety of ways, but some common examples include:

All-or-nothing thinking: Seeing everything in black and white, with no grey area. For instance, believing that a mistake equals total failure or that someone is either all good or all bad.

Overgeneralization: It is the process of reaching broad conclusions based on a single event or experience. For example, believing that one bad day indicates that everything is going wrong, or that one rejection indicates that you will never succeed.

Mind reading: Assuming, without evidence, that you know what others are thinking or feeling. For instance, assuming someone dislikes you based on their body language or tone of voice.

Catastrophizing: It is the assumption that the worst-case scenario will occur and that you will be unable to handle it. For example, assuming that a minor mistake will result in termination or that a disagreement with a friend will result at the end of the friendship.

Personalization: Taking responsibility for things over which you have no control or assuming that things are about you when they are not. Assuming, for example, that someone’s bad mood is the result of something you did, or that a traffic jam is a personal attack.

This is not just a proven theory that I learnt or heard about but I have experienced it in my life as well. When a person is aware of their cognitive distortions, they can start challenging them and replacing them with more adaptive thought patterns. This can result in symptom reduction, improved emotional regulation, and an overall improvement in mental health and well-being.

Furthermore, assisting clients in identifying and challenging cognitive distortions can boost their sense of agency and control over their own thoughts and emotions. Patients are empowered to take an active role in their own mental health and well-being when they are taught how to recognize and manage cognitive distortions.

Do you possess any cognitive biases? To have a mind free from all the clutter and clouds of such negativities, identify them and uproot them immediately.

Stay Blessed!

(Book a 1:1 counselling session with me HERE.)

MY ONLY TRIP TO A FOREIGN LAND

Travel has always been my favourite thing, regardless of the mode of transportation. I’ve always enjoyed bus rides, but the views I get to see on a train ride make it even more enjoyable. And a car ride gives me the feeling that I’m about to embark on an adventure. Those who know me are probably wondering what I’m on about… Yeah, I couldn’t travel as much as I wanted to because of my health, but I treasured each travel experience in my heart and mind as a memoir.

One of these memoirs was about my trip to North Bengal, and from where I visited the only foreign country in my life.

Kamakhyaguri was home to a school run by the organisation I was working for in Kolkata. In most cases, people confuse this name with either Kamakhya Nagar in Odisha or Kamakhya Temple in Guwahati, Assam. But it is a tiny settlement in North Bengal’s Jalpaiguri district.

The 18-hour trip to Kamakhyaguri was always both exhausting and enjoyable. The main draw for passengers in trains passing through those places was the hawkers selling cheap electronic goods from Nepal and Bhutan. But they also won’t let you close your eyes for even a second during the entire trip. On that trip, the yelling of a hawker selling sarees woke me up from sleep at around three in the morning. I shouted at him asking, “At three in the morning, who will purchase your sarees? Don’t you see that everyone is asleep?” But he walked past my berth as nonchalantly as he could. 

After lunch, we rested because the train ride had been exhausting. I later became busy with the task for which we had travelled there. On the third and final day of our stay, my colleague, the school’s principal, organised a trip to Jaigaon to witness the tea gardens. We were ecstatic. Around eleven in the morning, we all piled into his car and decided we will have lunch there.

The lush tea gardens stole my heart as we got closer to Jaigaon. In my entire life, I had never seen such a breathtaking sight. Even when Jaigaon’s roads were terrible, the surrounding greenery made me forget about them.

Then came the biggest surprise. My colleague and the guide of the trip announced that we will enter Bhutan soon, crossing the border.

“What? You mean, India and Bhutan border, seriously?” I couldn’t believe my ears. He smiled and nodded.

“What about the visa? I don’t have one, will they allow us in?” That was my next question to him.  Then he explained how the people of both countries are allowed in each other’s territory to a certain extent without any visa as there’s always been peace between these two countries from the beginning.

“That would be my first foreign trip, then?” I asked joyously. He answered in the affirmative.

We soon passed through the gate separating Bhutan and India. The stark contrast between the regions on either side of the gate amazed me. Despite the fact that India is much more developed than Bhutan in every way, Phuentsholing, was much more beautiful and clean than Jaigaon.

We entered Bhutan, parked in the market area, and I recall purchasing two cups as a memento of our visit to Phuentsholing. After eating Momo, a dish from Nepal, for lunch, we drove inside to do some sightseeing. Before heading back, we paused at the main checkpoint to explore that region of Bhutan.

The experience was a beautiful one and a special one too for me because that was the only time I stepped out of India to a foreign country in my life. 

LESSONS FROM BIRDS

They’re not bothered
by the chaos and dangers all around them.
As the fearless rangers
They’re known for living within their ‘joyous frame’.

Neither they lack enthusiasm
while they fly high in the blue skies,
Nor do they lack the zeal or passion
to feed their little ones while listening to their hungry cries.

They teach us to be carefree and passionate
amid life’s troubles and worries.
They impart the lesson of happiness
which even the smallest thing carries.

WHY DO WE FEEL BORED?

In the past year or so, a lot has changed. At times, I find myself questioning whether I am making progress or getting sidetracked by the numerous distractions around me. Although I am eager to pursue various endeavours, I sometimes neglect to ask myself a crucial question: “Are all these activities beneficial for me?” If they do indeed hold value in my life, I am failing to prioritize them correctly. A prime example is Candles Online, which I consider my brainchild. While I have nurtured it to some degree, I feel like an irresponsible parent, abandoning my teenager to their own devices. This leads me to wonder, “Where does Candles Online rank on my list of priorities?”

Lack of Focus:

This year, 2023 began on a very dull note for me. Everywhere, wherever I have a profile on the internet, the concluding line is, “right now I am mainly concentrating on writing books“. But it’s the fifth day of February and I haven’t published even a single book yet.

Boredom is a psychological condition that reflects a real-life situation in which we are not engaged by the activity we are performing or by the environment that surrounds us. When we feel bored, the time usually passes slowly and we have a hard time staying focused.

I quoted this statement from an article “The Psychology of Boredom” by Simone Redaelli on one of my favourite sites – Psychology Today. I was happy to know Mr Simone thinks exactly how I thought about my feeling. When I have my priorities set and I am focused on achieving something special, then I am sure I won’t be bored. So lack of focus is one of the reasons behind boredom.

Lack of Motivation:

What motivates us mostly? Praise from family and friends, applause, popularity, productivity and financial benefits are the factors that motivate us. Without these even if we have a vision or goal to achieve we feel bored in the middle of our journey.

I and a few of my friends authored a couple of books individually. We were ecstatic when we published. We sent shout-outs, shared the links to our books frantically and spent money on promotions as well. We received the tag, “Published Author” and applause from friends, family members etc., but as time passes we felt demotivated. At least, I did feel that way. Our books hardly gave us anything in regard to any financial benefits. I consider this to be the second reason for my boredom.

Lack of End-Results:

I usually don’t worry about how much money I received or earn if I am getting good feedback about what I am doing or producing for the people around me. I was delighted when my books were read by many and a few started giving their feedback without even asking them. But there were people, the loved ones, who didn’t even read the full book even if they bought it or got it from me. Forget about my book getting a bestseller tag, which I am not expecting. But what I have been expecting is feedback on Amazon or in person from the people who own a book written by me. And this end result of my published book utterly disappointed me and I am bored.

Did I say, I am dwelling in my boredom? Not at all. I have overcome it and have started my war against it. But how did I do that? Maybe next Sunday, I will share it with you all.

Stay Blessed!

ARE YOU ADAPTING OR FORCED LIVING?

Modification of an organism or its parts that makes it more fit for existence under the conditions of its environment: a heritable physical or behavioral trait that serves a specific function and improves an organism’s fitness or survival.

merriam-webster

The adaption chapter in school text book used to be my favourite when I was a kid. I used to enjoy studying about the animals and birds who try their best to adapt to the situation or environment they are in. And those who are successful in the process of adaptation survive and live on, but the others face death.

Isn’t it the same way about us who try to fit in a social setup, a family, a college, a workplace? We try to get accustomed or adapted to the rules, the way of living and thinking of the people in that setup. And after a certain period of time, we become one of them. Sometimes it works the other way around. The individual who comes into a group of people influences so much they get adapted to his or her ways. Whichever way it is, adaptation brings peace and harmony.

On the other hand, when we try to force ourselves to fit into a group or family or gathering either we struggle to continue for sometime or simply quit. When we don’t have the desire to adapt we can’t adapt. When we can’t adapt, we force and pretend. At some point of time, we even rebel against our given environment or situation. Life becomes really tough for the person resisting to adapt.

That’s why Jennifer Guttman Psy.D. says rightly, “Adaptation is a natural next step in personal growth.”

Most common example that I can give is about a newly wed bride who comes to a new family. The quicker she mingles or adapts in the family, the easier it becomes for her to live amidst them. Though adaptation should happen both ways. Frictions are inevitable when we interact with one another, but there won’t be any conflicts if there’re people adapting to each other quickly.

There are a few quick symptom trackers to analyse a person adapting or force living. A person who finds it easy to take a NO from the other person, he or she is adaptable or adapting. But when he or she makes a fuss out of it is not ready to adapt or accept the situation around him or her. If it continues for over a period, he or she leads her/his life forcibly. Insecurity, grumbling and complaining are major indicators of a person force-living instead of adapting in a family or workplace or any other social group. Force-living always brings unhappiness and frustration but adaption brings togetherness and ownership.

A word of caution before I end this article: Always try to get adapted to things that are positive, good and godly because adapting to evil is quicker and dangerous.

So friends! Are you adapting well or struggling and force-living? Keep pondering…

Stay blessed!

HOW TO MOVE AHEAD WHEN THERE’RE NEGATIVE COMMENTS ALL AROUND?

People, mostly those who are associated with us in some way or the other pull us down in our life. A random stranger will never do that to us without having a valid reason and when someone we know does that, feels all the more pathetic.

There are three major ways how they treat us to pull us down or be an obstacle on our way to proceed ahead. I call them The ‘S’ Treatments.

Silence: Have you ever gone to your boss and asked him something that you have planned and waited for his response for hours? Later you are made to understand that you have been turned down by him. He used Silent Treatment on you to display his disapproval of your proposal. I don’t know these behaviors of the bosses are prevalent in the corporate sector or not but in small organizations, it is very common. I have gone through it a number of times when I was working.

Even I have this experience at my own home. My elders simply avoid or change the topic or stay silent till I lose my patience of waiting for a YES or NO. It literally kills your spirit.

Sarcasm: Comments or remarks like: “Oh, she will definitely top the class this year” for a girl who is an average student; “He earns so much that we need not work anymore” for a man who’s still searching for a job are called sarcastic comments or sarcasm. Sarcasm has never helped or built anyone. It has only hurt, degraded, and made people angry. And mostly our own family members, our friends, and colleagues use sarcasm to pull us down.

I always share this incident of my life with all. My Nanaji (Maternal grandfather) reacted when I wanted to buy a guitar and learn when I was a kid. He said, “Will you be a bandwala?” And today I can compose songs but I don’t know how to play a single musical instrument. He succeeded to stop me that day and I failed to move ahead. He was a very loving grandfather, he just had this prejudice about musicians.

Sentimental: This is the more dreaded weapon our elders use against us, to stop us. “If you step out from this house, you will never see my face again.” Have you ever heard such emotional or sentimental statements made by your parents? Maybe the above statement was too filmy but there are many such examples that we know that stop us from moving ahead or doing things our way.

At times, we face all three treatments applied against us at different points of time. People try their best to be a hindrance.

In my life, in certain instances, I have let them succeed in their mission of stopping me from doing something that I had ever wanted. But in other cases, I just did what I had to do and felt like doing. If I introspect and retrospect all those instances together, I regret thinking “Why did I let them stop me?” Definitely, we can’t predict our life but when we wanted to do something good in life, we should not be suppressed by these ‘S’ treatments.

Remember, we can defuse the effects of this Three ‘S’ Treatment with another ‘S’ Treatment from our side. And that’s called, “STANDING FIRM“. Standing Firm on our decision doesn’t mean that we will have to be rude, rebellious, and arrogant. We can stand firm humbly as well. Our this attitude will definitely let a person speak out if he is silent, stop him to be sarcastic for long and soften his heart to accept our decision at the end.