IN SEARCH OF MYSELF

On the 365th day of the year looking back I wonder what major achievement did I have this year.. can’t think of anything spectacular…  I survived that’s my achievement. I could manage to somehow stumble through this maze of the physical, mental,  financial, emotional onslaught of Covid.

But looking back I noticed one thing. I have somehow lost my essence in this whole struggle. It is as if I have put myself on hold somewhere, in the wait for things to normalize once again.

I have come to realize this is not how it works. We can’t stop living our life fully in wait for circumstances to improve. Things have changed and will keep changing. Times will be good and bad. But we need to keep on living not just surviving.  Keep on making memories. This time once gone is not going to come back ..

In 2022 I hope to find myself again. I need to drop this cloak of being a ‘bechari‘ (poor me) a victim of circumstances. I am going to find myself again. Take me out of this endless round of chores at home and work and gain some new experiences.

I am leaving behind the feeling of helplessness and melancholy in 2021. Looking forward to writing more, learning new skills, experiencing life more not just in front of the screen.

I know it’s too ambitious but kuch to ho hi jayega (Something should happen). At least the intentions are there, the search begins.

A CHANGE FOR THE BETTER

At this time of life,

Are you who you wanted to be, as a person?

Have you acheived what you wanted to? (To a good extent at least?)

Doing what you always wanted to do?

My answers are – definitely not. Before the pandemic hit, I would have given a different answer. The pandemic really changed my course of life in ways I could never imagine. It has shown me the lows of relationships  and how people are. It has destroyed my travel plans. On the positive note, I have spent lot of time with my family, which otherwise wouldn’t have been possible.

As we were entering 2020, I had big plans for that year. The sounding of that year itself is so perfect. I had plans to go on more than couple of international trips. Take sabbatical towards the end and persue my passion to uncover the creative side of me. By the mid of 2021, I can restart my job and fall back into the groove of life. Two years just passed by, and I did none of these.

The work from home situation has actually made professional setup worse. I literally realised how difficult it is to convey things without actually talking and seeing each other’s expressions. I am sure, many would agree. This discomfort has increased our work timings. It takes lot more time to move from a dialogue phase to decision phase virtually. The fun is also lower. The sense of connection is low as well. Never ever, have I thought I would be pissed off with my current job and that happened. Not because I don’t love what I do, but, I just don’t want to do it all my day from morning till night.. Wow, that’s a lot of time to commit and on top of it, it took away my “me” time. Lost loved ones to the pandemic, added pain and suffering.

Many of us went through similar suffering. Our lives have changed, challenges we face have changed and the outlook we had of life changed. We have the right to be mad at the pandemic. No matter how many curve balls life threw at us, we tried to play them hoping for the best. We were out of control with everything, including our health and life insurances. We were forced to live with the least and we did.

I don’t know about you, but, my take on living life has changed because of the pandemic. From a casual, I have atleast 30 more years to live, I started accepting, not a single day is mine anymore. I have learnt how important it is to have nominees for every single penny of mine. How important it is to have a heartful conversation when we have the oppurtunity. How important it is to do the several “crazy things” when I can.

The very thing I have put an end to is, thinking there is some other time.  There is no such time. Now, it is. As the world is reopening, with precautions I want to restart things I have put a pause on. We should, we all should.

“A man is like a novel: until the very last page you don’t know how it will end. Otherwise it wouldn’t be worth reading.”  –Yevgeny Zamyatin

END OF 2021 TO NEW BEGINNINGS

29 December 2021
19:20

When 2020 ended, I believed that there cannot be a year with more to learn from. But I was wrong, 2021 had, even more, shocks and surprises saved for me and all of us.

I was more of a crying baby till the last couple of months, not that I would cry in front of anybody but in general, I would keep complaining about how horrible my life is and how cool everybody else is. I had my reasons to do so. There are always reasons, right? But what is important – our valid reasons or our dear lives full of possibilities.

I know for sure that one major reason for this change was seeing death so close by. Our own mortality and the fear of being suffocated at the hands of this virus and dying was probably the biggest factor that jolted me out of my bubble and forced me to take responsibility for my own happiness and my own needs.

In 2021, I am putting an end to my helplessness, self-pity, poor self-image, and lack of confidence. With the rise of 2022, I pray from the depth of my heart to have enough confidence and strength to own up to whatever wrong or right happens in my life. To stand up for what is right and believe in my intuitions.

Yeah, these are all big words. Let me tell you how I plan to do it.

I want to be a spiritual seeker, I want to experience the limits of the physical nature of this body and touch what is beyond physical. Again big words, oops sorry. In short, I am taking up multiple courses related to spirituality to learn different meditations that can make me reach my highest potential and even touch what is beyond. I believe I am ready for it now.

The second big skill that I want to learn is all the new ways of investing money – crypto, NFT’s, etc. Its been too long that I have been just not paying attention to the money that I earn. So, now beginning to take money investments seriously.

Well, these are just the two things that I want to focus on in the coming year. They are quite opposite to each other – one is a spiritual path and the other is a materialistic one. However, I am looking at it in a holistic way. I simply want to grow a few steps in having better physical health, mental health, spiritual health, and financial health.

Seems too ambitious?? Well, let’s see what I end up writing next year at the same time.

THANK YOU YEAR 2021

“Endings are the –
Beginning of a new era of hope,
Beginning of a new phase of scope.
It is in an ongoing process,
Which sometimes is hard to digest.
Still, life has to go through phases,
To taste the flavour of situations
and their causes.

Endings are to be cherished with
lots of love and blessings,
To connect with every moment
of life and its earnings.”

It is always seen, when something comes to an end, a new beginning shows up. It is actually a cycle of all the deeds and times. When you plan for something, the time of planning and execution are added. The day is well spent with proper execution and delivery of ideas, as you have already thought of. But the day ends with lots of memories of laughter and giggles. Next, you plan for something else to do in life. As our life is an ongoing process of events, we are attached to the strings of hope, motivation, encouragement, disagreements, love, empathy, sympathy, hatred, and many more. Still, the show must go on.

As an endless journey of life, I have experienced lots of things this year in 2021. Last year’s lockdown was an eye-opener for me. That time span of 10 months ( from March end to December 2020 end) I have explored many new things in my handy device, started writing again after years. It was just like a time pass for me initially. Later with many things, many disagreements, and ignorance, I started assembling myself with my thoughts and visions. I tried to gain my dignity which with the passing of time, I had lost my identity as a human being. This year I got through the awakening of my heart and soul. My mind became a great teacher and with the support of my mother, I started living life in a different way. I started seeing things in a lighter way, but with all the answers and possibilities.

Gradually, I felt that I am evolving as a writer, author, and co-author of many anthologies. Not to forget, Candles online and a great friend Chiradeep are added to that list. I could able to establish my new identity. This small thing gave me the link to the world of duties and responsibilities with more love and empathy. With due course of time, I learned languages in a deeper way. The time of ignorance is blissfully ended and a new chapter started with new words, new thoughts, new ideas, new chords.

The New Me is a more important part of my own identity. If I can help myself to be happy and content without any expectations from anyone, then my life looks blissful and sorted.

Just move on and live in the present– That’s the mantra of my life now.

Don’t think that others may leave you alone in the midway. No, the loved ones will be there always with you. Yes, time may be different. But they will be there always with you if they really care for you.

In the New Year, I have no plans or resolutions to make. But I will try to make a fruitful year again.

“What to write about the RESOLUTION,
It takes a lot of effort for EVOLUTION.
Many say it is easy for CONSIDERATION,
But actually, it’s not easy in MODERATION.

Be yourself,
Be Good,
Be positive,
Be humbled.

Lastly, I owe to everyone, who has come across my life this year and showered blessings upon me.

Thank you – The year 2021.

AN END BEFORE THE START

As a ritual, every single year – the last week of the year _{(around this time)} I will unfailingly, FORMAT my Android phone and re-install all the apps. I do not break my head to retrieve the contacts that are lost via the whole formatting procedure. If they’re gone, they’re gone for a purpose-_{probably they were never meant to be there in the first place.}

That’s my simple way of saying to myself – Here I go again… same old, YES – but a new beginning.

Relationships change, so do people-and having one’s phone crowded with people’s numbers is not something that I fancy, hence the yearly exercise. Does it feel good? Oh hell yeah! There’s a thrill in starting over!

I’ve always believed ‘something’ HAS to end… for something else beautiful to start. People tend to hold onto things, photographs, memories, and gadgets – like they are body parts. Attachments can be really BAD. The lesser we attach to things and people, the happier we will be

Give it a chance and see the difference.

My friends always say:

We really do not know what to gift you, because we don’t really know what you’re fond of.

If you ask me, I do not know either coz I’m attached to nothing or no one in particular. I do love being around a certain type of people, or enjoy doing a certain kind of activity from time to time… but I’ll move on to something else that catches my fancy, that’s just ME and I really love that part of me, coz that way I am never really bored/disappointed.

I do not put my happiness in other people’s hands, I do simple everyday things that make me happy, things that we tend to miss with the hectic lives that we lead.

I am someone who lives for the moment, I do not capture memories on my phone or on a camera lens, I simply live them. Another trait that makes me unique is: with me around, you will never know “What’s coming next” and while I tend to remain calm at most times, I can surprise even myself on a good day.

9th January 1982, began my journey on this Earth, and while that has been one start to the life that I’ve been living ever since – I have had many re-starts, and subsequent endings along the way, only to realise it was time to start again… it has helped me grow as a person, to learn the lesson and be the better version of myself next time round.

I do not wish for great things, nor do I look back on what went right or wrong, for whatever happens – happens for a reason. I’ve made it this far… I’ll make it ahead too, probably an extraa…aaamile or two, and if I have the right company, a hand to hold in this journey forward – nothing like it!

For every End has a beautiful beginning – may THAT beginning be not necessarily at the start of the year, but even the start of a week or as early as tomorrow.

A NEW DAY is a new beginning.

I WISH…

Rocking her baby, bogged down by the opinion of nay-sayers around and about her, her gaze traversed the window. She saw another woman donning the hat of an “equal breadwinner” for her family and making her stride into the world. She thought “I wish I was in her shoes” 

Marching ahead towards her awaiting deadlines and agendas as her heart was crushing hard under the gloom she was carrying. “Not a mother yet” pricked through her heart. She rolled down the windowpane as she saw a kid jumping in muddy puddles with glee as the mother looked on with joy. She thought “I wish I was in her shoes”.

The happiness of the kid was short-lived as his father reprimanded him for being a mess. As the kid was being dictated by commandments of DOs & DON’Ts that sad face rolled to the other side and saw a rich man surrounded by a brigade of servants and only his say mattered. The kid thought “I wish I was in his shoes”.

The rich man as he awaited for his vehicle to arrive saw a young man riding a bike with his guitar hung across his back. It reminded him of his lost love in the depths of oblivion while he chased new heights tirelessly. The rich man thought “I wish I was in his shoes”.

The young man whose struggles have just begun in the pursuit of his passion pondering over his future probabilities and possibilities felt the heat of venturing out in the tricky, tough and often merciless stage called the world. He stopped by a house to ask for a glass of water. A lady came out with her baby in her arms and it reminded the young man of what a safe haven home is. Looking at the baby, the young man thought “I wish I was in his shoes”.

And the baby in the arms of the mother who was sleeping blissfully smiled in his sleep…

This is a simplistic view of how we perceive and look at the world. Deep down in our hearts, we are convinced that others are happier than us. Our eyes are open to looking at the merrier view and our shallow wisdom restricts our capability to even conceive the thought that every story has a different background and narration. It is like a beautiful cover page of a magazine that attracts our attention, mesmerized by the gloss and the colour we instantly forget that it’s a collaborative effort of many technicians and technicalities. About the physical, emotional, mental stress people might undergo in the process is not even a distant thought in our thoughts, for we are takers of only happy faces. And not to mention that our obsession with those pretty faces is so much that we start to loathe our reality – a harbinger for unhappiness, think about it.

HAVE FAITH TO MOVE ON

“Confused and overburdened mind,
Spoils the charm of the day in every kind.
The solution, if you cannot find,
The time will take charge to grind.”

This is the situation, I was going through within the last few weeks. It’s true that time is not always with you. It keeps on changing, whether you are aware of it or it is unknown and uncertain for you. It’s like the wave of a sea. You are standing at a point on the beach and waiting for the big wave to hit you and drench you, yet it is like you are waiting for it forever. But you can see big waves just around you on your left and on your right.

Our life is similar to this. We plan a lot of things together for family, friends and for ourselves, but all the plans don’t always work the way we want. That’s why the proverb, “Man proposes, God disposes”, is perfect.

For the last few days, I can feel a writer’s block and burden of work, the board exam of my son. And all these were making me so confused and overburdened. I tried to help myself with yoga and meditation, but I still could not be happy within. It felt like, the time is just slipping away from my palms. I want to do many things, but time is less. It felt like, I am about to die, but want to live eagerly. It was like a dilemmatic situation for me.

Sometimes the workflow is good and convenient with time. But sometimes it’s too hard to cope up. If we ignore a very tiny part, it may create a huge difference and there’s a chance of committing a mistake too. I went through this situation. It was hard to gulp, “how can I do this? How can I ignore this?”

This has been happening to me for sometime, but one thing I realized is that I can overcome any problem if I have faith.

And I started reciting…

“Take a long breath, take a break,
Pray to God for help in the whole mind,
Keep patience in your heart
And wait for the magic to happen.”

As I believe in one more thing, if you think positively in spite of all odds, you can win over the odd situations. Have faith in God and be true to yourself. Give your best shot and move on.