This Monday evening, my daughter decides to have pizza. She wanted to go to a “pizza house” and dine in. I would like to pen down the conversation between my daughter and her daddy.
Anaya (my 3yrs old girl): “Daddy!!! I want to have a pizza.”
Daddy (my husband): “Okay, I will tell delivery uncle to get one for you!”
Anaya: “No daddy. I WANT to go to the pizza house.”
Anaya (with a fake crying face): “I want to, daddy!”
So, her daddy takes her to the ‘pizza house’. At her ‘pizza house’, she goes directly to a table and sits and says, “I want to eat here daddy.”
Daddy: “But mommy and uncle are at home. They want to eat pizza too. We have to share.”
Anaya: “No daddy! I want it here!”
Daddy (tensed and confused): “But, mommy will cry and uncle too.”
Anaya (in a low sad voice): “Oh!!! Mmmmm okay daddy.”
Finally, they reach home with her pizza and he narrates this incident to me.
He adds, “What on Earth is a pizza house??”
She stood right next to her daddy while he was narrating and was eating her pizza.
I asked her, “You wanted to eat your pizza in the ‘pizza house’??”
She just nods yes.
I add (I make a sad and almost crying face and makes sure she notices); “Without mommy?”
She looks at me, stares at her dad. It takes her just 30 seconds to decide. She then, points her finger at her daddy and says, “Daddy said”.
My husband and I, we looked at each other with surprise. She knows how to blame shift.
Her daddy asks her, “What?? I told you to sit and eat there?”
She looks at her pizza and says, “Yes, daddy!”
She had the cutest of expression and even though there was a lot of innocence, it wasn’t the right thing. She wanted to be the good girl and please mommy. She knew daddy could handle mommy, and everything would be fine. Even though her expressions and the entire situation was funny but I felt the need to make her understand, that it is okay, if she said so. It’s just a wish she had. I told her the same. I explained that she shouldn’t blame others for the things she did. It is a bad thing for a good girl. I hope she understands, remembers and implements it. Well, frankly, I thought of times when I blame shifted, just be safe and loved. I was reminded how I used to fight, just to prove that I wasn’t blame shifting. Even my daughter has seen me do that. I wondered, what if she has learnt it all from me. Am I guiding her in the right path? No, was the answer.
I have come across a lot of families and blaming others, when they are being questioned, has been a common characteristic for all the different household. Knowingly or unknowingly, it just happens. May be not as frequent, but sometimes people just play that card. In my family, I have seen my mom being blamed for each and everything that goes wrong in our family. I see my mom blaming someone for a thing she couldn’t do. . Even my mom-in-law goes through the same. Sometimes I see myself doing, exactly the same thing. If I am sick and sad, I tend to blame someone for it and bring out my frustration.
There are situations where in a relationship, this blame game comes to play. One of them blames the other for the things that went wrong in their relation. Then the other person blames the former and vice versa and it goes on and on. These are the things, kids see and learn. When into a relation, both persons are accountable for things they do for or towards each other, good or bad. This point fades out and situations drift out of hand. Blaming others has always been an easy option. Moreover it keeps us safe, no matter if or how it jeopardizes somebody else’s character or affairs.
Sadly, we never think of mending this kind of situation. It is so addictive, even though compromising. We don’t put efforts to correct our kids. We don’t explain to them that whatever happens to them is an outcome of what they did, and not because of any situation, person or thing. Whatever they do and the result of it is solely their responsibility. We have only become more intelligent in our work. We as of now blame lifeless elements, where the other person has no option but to just keep mum. For example, today I was asked by one of my brothers, about a task he has given me to do. It was done but wasn’t perfect. Even though I told him the truth, still I blamed my house chores for keeping me from finishing it. Somehow, it has seeped into us and is so deeply rooted that, we just can’t avoid it. Even if we can, we don’t.
I will not urge you to let go. I will, but try and change myself. I will refrain from giving excuses and blaming others for things I have been doing. All my success and my failures are mine. It’s my efforts that contribute into making me a success or a failure. I will try and be accountable in situations as such. I will try to use my anger, fear, guilt and shame to build me in the correct way. I will not make me, stand in my way to success. I will try and be a good example to my kid and the society. I will try.