IN THE MIDST OF UNCERTAINTY

In an eastern folklore story, a horse ran away from the stable and the next morning the neighbor of the horse owner came to sympathize with his situation and said, “it’s bad luck that you lose a horse”. After a week the same horse came back with another wild horse and the horse owner was very happy. As the neighbor got to know the incident, he came to encourage the horse owner and said, “it’s good luck that it’s because of that day loss you got a new horse today. Early morning the son of the horse owner took the wild horse for taming and while taming the horse kicked and broke his leg. Like a good neighbor, the same man paid another visit and sympathize saying, “it’s bad luck, it’s because of that day your horse ran away and brought this wild horse, your son had to break his leg.” The next morning everything was normal but during lunch, the gang of local thugs came to forcefully recruit the horse owner’s son in their gang. But as they saw his condition, they withdraw their plan and went back without the boy. By the evening it becomes the gossip of the day and the neighbor visited and said, “Brother, it’s really good luck, if your son hasn’t lost his leg today, you would have to lose your son.” Finally, the man replied, “in one single episode of my life so many new things are happening, how can I say, which is good luck and bad luck for me and why all this is happening?” 

Indeed, every now appears in a new way and enfolds a new lesson. We always try to define TIME according to its outcome, whereas in reality every time we fail. The truth about time – the time is always inconsistent. And the American Novelist, Sir Nathaniel Hawthrone said,

Time flies over us, but leaves its shadows behind.

The shadows of time are “the memories” and I cherish them. We always treasure chat histories, old pictures and letters from our friends and family. Good memories refresh the relationship, at times it reignites our first love and revitalizes the bonding but Bad memories give us pain, push us into discouragement and drains our mental health. Refraining from the difference of time, we can say – MEMORIES ARE POWERFUL REMINDERS.

On 1st January 2019 afternoon, I went to the church and the sermon preached at the church convicted my heart. I felt sorry for keeping my anger against one of my dear ones. At church, I decided to clean-up the bitterness and the same night by God’s grace I was able to deal with it. Alike every other time, I hoped now no more anger – no more bitterness – it’s goona all good but alas… after some days the same problem – the same issues – some more heartaches and in fact towards the end of the year things went a little worse.

Now turning to the pages of professional life diary, let me start the tour from 2018 end. The 2018 end was not that jovial time of my professional life, there were some worries, some hopelessness, and some regrets. In the midst of these mundane experiences, I had to kick 2019 and prayed to God for the renewal of my strength, restoring my focus and reigniting my vision. Amazingly, God answered almost all of the prayers in concern to my professional life.

In a few moments, we will step into 2020. But both the folklore & the personal memories reaffirms us one thing – “TIME IS INCONSISTENT AND UNCERTAIN”. No one guarantees there will be no more sorrow and no more pain. The obscurity of the future repeats the same question – WELL, WHATS THE HOPE FOR ME THAT I WILL CLING UPON TO TREAD UNTO THE UNKNOWN – 2020?

As the answer to the question, I am reminded with the first stanza of the poem “God Knows” written by the British Poet Minnie Louise Haskins –

“I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year:

“Give me a light that I may tread safely to the unknown.”

And he replied:

“Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the Hand of God.

That shall be to you better than the light and safer than a known way.

Probably, that’s the right answer! Since God eternally exists and is above the time, He knows the future better than any human mind would perceive. Trusting His power would be best because He is not a human who changes with the course of time and the graph of self profit margins.

Jesus said,

“I am the light of the world.

Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”

God be with you in your 2020 journey!

Happy New Year.

THE YEAR THAT WAS

The beginning of every new year promises new dreams. As in the year 2018, me and my family mourned over the loss of not one, but two members (my paternal aunt and my maternal aunt’s husband), we prayed 2019 to be blissful for everyone. But, just as the page of new year’s calendar turned to the second month, there was one more untimely death in the family. My eldest cousin sister, who was still in shock of the demise of her mother (my paternal aunt), lost her husband. My brother-in-law, who was a jovial personality and was helping my sister to come out of the lament, left her suddenly, leaving her and the rest of the family in distress.

And, if this was not enough, God left us more devastated, as just after three days, my beloved cousin brother, who was going to turn 50 this year, left for heavenly abode. While my brother-in-law was being cremated, the shattering news of my cousin brother came. He was my beloved cousin who used to make me laugh, treat me often and keep my secrets. Meeting my relatives after a long  gap, particularly on such a situation was not imaginable for any of us. Watching your elders cry in front of you is one of the worst things to face. I was shattered too, but showed a composed me so that I could console my elders. Being emotionally weak, I never thought that I could watch anyone being cremated and that too my own big brother. I watched him burn in front of my eyes. The next day I dared to pick up his ashes too, along with my sister Prabhjot, just to accompany my father and uncle. I was more concerned of the pain that my elders were going through. 

“No more bad news”, we literally prayed to God to forgive us and stop punishing us like this. Till today, whenever I receive a phone call from my family members, there’s a big fear inside me and I just pray that everything’s all right. ‘Death is the inevitable truth’ and ‘life is too short’ are the two biggest things that I have learnt.

2019 was simultaneously a good year as well because there were three new births in my in-laws’ side of the family. With two nephews and a niece (much awaited girl in the family), there are little moments of joy in watching them accomplish their milestones, especially at this stage when my sons are growing bigger and more independent.

The year end proved to be a landmark for me as I got the recognition as a published author with my first book Realms of Life. The love and wishes I got from my family and friends have inspired me to write more. 

I feel time really flies. And with the blink of an eye, this year will also end, not to mention the decade too! With new hopes and dreams, I wish everyone a wonderful 2020!

MEMORIES TO PRAISE GOD AND INTROSPECTION

Memories are like flowers which bloom time to time and probably never wither but fade away with the passing of time. Sometimes, we keep them as garlands or try to throw them in a dustbin though we fail to erase them completely.

I always keep memories close to my heart whether it is a bad one or a good one. Good and joyous memories always make me feel God’s grace in my life. Bad and difficult memories make me feel I am human, weak yet, God’s strength remains with me in every situation. So, let me take you back to my memory lane of Twenty-Nineteen.

It was a most painful year of my life. If I look back, my heart pains a lot and I just wonder if I could have gone back a few years back then I would have loved to change many things in my life so that 2019 would have been a better year for me. But as I said before, I take this year as the year of expecting God’s strength to be with me. You might ask me what are my pains, probably those who know me closely, they know what were my pains.

I also lost three of my very close friends. They didn’t die. They are very much alive. But they simply just left me uninformed. And the problem is, I can’t contact them even if I have two of their contact numbers. I have no idea about the third one.

Actually, some of our most painful memories center on our failures to make a wise decision or disobedience to His commands or lack of trust on His character while the most all the good things that we can remember are because of our obedience or the wise decisions that always bring success.

I can quote a Bible Verse in this regard:

The Lord commanded us to obey all these decrees and to fear the Lord our God, so that we might always prosper and be kept alive, as is the case today.

I really need to check on my life and where I falter to obey Him.

In the year 2019, I have a few satisfying moments for which I want to praise my God. As my Dost Aditi mentioned in her article that: “God has sent me to do better things in life. And I think I have found my calling. No, I am not heading to Himalayas and meditating my whole life but I will be right here, amidst all of you and serve the mankind that I am supposed to.” And I would like to say that, I could serve many people in this year. Moreover, it was God’s purpose in my life that I would be poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice.

In closing, I can say, I take the opportunity to praise my God for all the beautiful memories that He had granted me and I learned many things from the bad memories by introspecting on my follies this year in 2019.

Stay Blessed!

2019 – THE TRUE BITTER SWEET YEAR!

It’s that time of the year already when we reflect on self and measure how far have we come, what went well, what could have been better. I stumbled upon the gratitude post from last year published on My Instagram account. There was so much to be thankful about in 2018! What about 2019 then?

Well, let me be very candid. 2019 has not been as fulfilling as I would have liked it to be but nevertheless I am glad that it gave me some wonderful lessons of life. I would like to share the two most important and life changing things that 2019 brought in:

1. Let go attitude: I learnt this a hard way! I was looking forward to rock this year in my career. I had set ambitious goals professionally but all came crashing down. Joining back work after maternity has not been easy. I find my self less focused on work compared to my earlier self. I don’t feel ready to make demanding commitments at work. I tend to not take up challenging projects and rather prefer to stick to my comfort zone. This was not ME! Not until I became a mother. Don’t get me wrong, I am not blaming motherhood, how can I when I have begged for it for so many years. But you know what, its not easy either to experience this change at the career front. It’s not easy to compromise a career of 11 years and take it slowly further. No, no one has asked me to do it. It’s my own call. But a part of me always cries over lost opportunities at work, missing promotions and witnessing others pass by you while you stay put in your comfort zone. I know it’s a phase and will pass. Another important aspect of career that 2019 highlighted is that I am now absolutely sure I don’t want a job. My purpose of life is not being a corporate slave. God has sent me to do better things in life. And I think I have found my calling. No, I am not heading to Himalayas and meditating my whole life but I will be right here, amidst all of you and serve the mankind that I am supposed to. Having said that, I understand I cannot live without money. I shoulder financial responsibilities at home equally with my husband. So if not my job then what? Well, I think I know the answer and I am so grateful to 2019 for bringing this clarity to my mind. Now we just have to wait until I figure out how to wrap up my corporate slavery and start working on my calling. It will take a few years. I am giving whole of 2020 to me! Wish me luck guys! All this has made me a pro at letting go! I have let go the project, the opportunities, the growth at work not so happily but I have made peace with it now that I know the bigger purpose of life. So, on a career front, I have let the sand slip out from my fingers and have seen others build castles out of it. Well, I am glad they were able to!

2. True Love: I have newly fallen in love with this little man called Aarnav. I love him more than last year and I love him more with each passing day! Aarnav has taught me the true meaning of love. No matter how mad I get at him all that he has to offer in return is love and only love. It’s amazing that how kids choose to forgive and forget your wrath and return double the love to you. I never felt so loved before you know! Not when I fell in love with the man of my life, not when I got married, just never. May be if I would remember how my mother loved me when I was an infant, the feeling could be a close hit but I think we do not recall memories earlier than 2 or 3 years of age, not sure!. You can say I have drowned in love this year. And it has been a beautiful feeling. Those tight hugs, those kisses, those cuddles are just incomparable to anything in this world. More importantly, the lesson that I learnt from these expression of love is valuable. I learnt from Aarnav to love selflessly. Yes, he loves me even of I scold him, punish him or just get mad at him. Are we adults able to do that? No, right? We hold on to these negativity and hold back when we love. But, 2019 has been different. If not as much as Aarnav, I have learnt to love selflessly to some extent. I will work more on this in 2020.

Having said that, I cannot wrap up 2019 without expressing gratitude towards the amazing support system that I have at home. My mom-in-law, mother, sis-in-law and Aarnav’s nanny have stood by me every single moment. I can’t thank God enough for having them in my life. Thanks to all these, Aarnav is a happy child today, staying at home when I got to office and is getting raised with good morals and manners. I am not too sure how the things would have been if I had to leave him at a Day Care. No, don’t get me wrong, am not saying that kids at day care are not brought up well, they are, they certainly are! But who can stop a mother’s heart from worrying, right?

I trust each one of you has had a fulfilling 2019 and looking to adding to that fulfillment in the coming year

2019 – I HAVE MIXED FEELINGS FOR YOU!

I love this time of the year. Lesser work, lesser pressure, holiday mood and lots to think about. This is the time of the year that I love taking a step back to judge if I really am going in the right direction. Well, I cannot open up my entire life in an open blog – but there are definitely a few things that I would love to share with my readers. Let me just give a glimpse of what challenges I faced and how I grew in major aspects of my life. I am doing this in a hope that you too would do the same for your last year (if you already haven’t done it)

Professional Growth

I think I went up by leaps in my professional terrain. I don’t mean big promotions or hikes, I just mean my experience and my confidence. I took up an opportunity at work (a new project) that I wasn’t clearly prepared for. It was a tough one and when I jumped into the wagon – I had no clue how big is this beast (project). For nearly 3 months, I literally gave up everything in life to make this project happen. Not only was my life a hell but I had to ensure that my team suffered equally. There were arguments, anger, disappointment, frustration, fear, tension all throughout the day and night. I could have never believed that a project at work could give me sleepless nights – but this one did. Not one or two but multiple sleepless nights. This was the period from July to Sep that was no less than crazy. 

Since it was a huge challenge to deal with and we eventually succeeded, the taste of success was just awesome. The celebration that followed and the recognitions we got was a great deal. But the two most important things that I gained from those 3 months were Experience and Confidence. And it indeed was a “Leap of growth” 

Physical Health

Overall year wasn’t good health-wise. I didn’t really take care of myself. My weight and waistline grew, my hair are greying out faster, lethargy is going up and stamina is going down, sugar went high, PCOS kicked in and thyroid levels fluctuated. Not a good place to be at. There were multiple reasons and I ignored my health big time during majority of the year. 

After Diwali this year, I had tears in my eyes when I stepped on the weighing scale and looked at the number of medicines I had to start taking. So, I decided to do “Resolution till New Year” instead of a Resolution that starts at New Year. Getting back to my ideal health was foremost in my mind in last 2 months and results have paid off well till now. I am waiting to see how I grow in this area in 2020.

Relationship Breakthrough

I remember thanking the folks at work for pulling me into this intensive crazy project some time at the beginning of second quarter. The reason was absurd. Since the mid of 2018, I was going through a turmoil in my marriage, the reason for which was a simple one – me and Kapil were in different phases in this relationship. I was in a phase that constantly needed him and he was in a phase where he wanted his own space. So, I would always try to cling on and he would try to avoid me. That led to endless arguments and fights. 

Getting into this project made me so damn busy that he got his space indefinitely. The work load also ensured that I am so constantly busy that it was easier for me to ignore him. It brought great peace to my marriage. And thankfully, we are in blissful state of marriage now. Touchwood!

Motherhood

With my son’s 4th birthday – things got better as far as Motherhood was concerned. He started doing a few things independently. He could now play with his friends mostly without getting into a conflict. He started eating on his own, peeing on his own, sleeping easily, afternoon naps were gone, started understanding logic and sense. All this made parenting slightly easier. Handling him as a toddler was so very tough for me. There still are challenges but they are just different challenges. Thankfully I prefer preschooler challenges more than the toddler challenges. I hope next years also bring a similar relief to me.

Family Life

I lost one of my oldest cousins this year. He was just 49. It was a heart breaking experience to cremate him, it really felt like a part of my childhood came to an end. I had lost touch with him since years, but the time we had spent together during my childhood is still special to me. He was the oldest brother and I was the youngest sister, imagine the pampering. When he started earning, I was still in primary school – how he showered me with gifts every time he came around. How he scolded me so bad once when I came out of the house on the roads without slippers. How he took us around the city to eat Chinese and watch movies when our parents flatly refused to do so. Memories. And just memories now. 2019 will always be remembered for you – Bobby Bhai. 

Mental Health

Well, with a difficult situation going on with my hubby and deadly timelines at work – peace of mind was very far away from me. However, when I was going through the sleepless nights – I realized that things cannot go on this way or else I will end up getting sick. Meditation sounded like just the right thing to do. I started with Cure.fit “meditation at home” series. One fine Sunday when I was trying to fight the Monday blues, I came across a particular meditation and I was surprised how comfortable I felt when I did. I made it a practice to do this meditation almost every day. It just took about 15-20 mins at the end of the day and it made me sleep peacefully. 

I have come a long way from those days. I know a lot more about meditations now and I meditate also much deeper now. For me, the growth in my mental health was also a “Leap of growth”. And I would take this aspect very seriously in 2020.

Happiness Quotient

My happiness quotient fluctuated a lot in 2019 but I am really glad that I am ending the year a much higher happiness quotient than I started this year with.

Wishing you all a very happy, healthy and a prosperous New Year!

LOOKING BACK WITH A CONTENT HEART

• Did I manage to check every item on my bucket list in the current year ? NO.
• Will I able to do it in the coming days before I bid adieu to this year? No

Then what is the content about? I am alive and kicking, isn’t it something to be happy about? I am healthy and managed to survive this year without any major health issues, isn’t this something to be happy about in the times where every puff of air we breathe is capable of putting us in direct line of fire of dreadful diseases? My family, my near and dear ones are with me when relationships are volatile and vulnerable, isn’t this something I should be happy about? I have a roof over my head and heart free of fear, is there any happiness greater than this?

No, this is no spiritual discourse but the hard truth of life that I am trying to absorb as much as I can.

Coming to what I have done and what I got in 2019, few are tangible successes whereas few others are intangible emotions. How about a sneak peek, come with me 😊:

• Beginning was superb: January 2019 gave me the requisite impetus to march towards my long pending goal of learning how to drive. I cleared my driving theory test (on second attempt though 🙈).  That really charged me well to take on the next challenge of setting my hands on the steering for the first time in 34 years of my life. That was something!!! (Now I am eligible for provisional driving licence, a step closer to claim my independence 😁).
• Many first times: I mentioned it many times in my articles that my son is a non verbal autistic child. Every word he says is an ecstasy for us for obvious reasons. Every addition in his vocabulary is a mirror to his development and evolution. And when he said “Amma” (mother), “Nanna” (father) for the first time in eight years of his birth it was an altogether a different whirlpool of emotions for me. For any child Ma, Pa are the first words/ sounds but my ears yearned all these years for that call.  It’s not that those words give approval to the bond we share with our son but definitely they satisfy our  senses. It was during our flight to India. He was seated with his father separately. He was really worried as to where his mother and sister has gone and was constantly nagging the crew asking about me by only mentioning  “Amma, Amma”.  When the crew asked me I was clueless if it’s my son or not.  And when my doubts dispelled I was happy beyond my words could express.  Tears that I hid from co passengers can only explain what I can’t do it here.
• Amazing surprise: When our stay in India was drawing to a close I got a sweet surprise.  My brother in law broke the news that they will be soon our neighbours (Brussels and Amsterdam  are just 2 and half hours away) as they used to be four years back.  That’s pure happiness.  Nothing beats the fun and happiness of having family around especially when you are in far away lands.  They have been with us in our thick and thins and my co-sister is an amazing fun loving person to be around.  Looking forward for 2020 winter shopping gal! (She would know if she is reading this 😁)
• Very important lesson learnt: Throughout my life I heard people saying “Actions catch you sooner or later” (can’t use the phrase millennials use 😁) but this year gave me first hand experience of that. In my growing up years I was upset (an understatement) with my father that he signed up as a guarantor for someone and we faced extreme crunch situations at home because of his action.  I always taunted him for that. Also always asked my brother, my husband, my close ones to be extremely cautious and not to be a guarantor for anyone. But action caught me as I signed a subscription contract of telecom services of another brand other than what we are using now unmindfully (for the first and last time) only to realise few days later that my previous service provider severed my connection and I am left with no contact number. This is after I called the correspondent the next day and declined the offer. But who cares when sign is there 😔. I got the taste of my own medicine. That reminded me of my folly then. I was harsh instead of understanding his position. Few moments are beyond your intelligence, pragmatism, logic and reasoning, simple. Perhaps I learnt two lessons: what goes around comes back and your signature might not be an autograph but definitely can buy you dire consequences if used without giving a thought. Fortunately no serious damage done this time.
• I grew: Understanding people, keeping few close ones, confiding heart to them, drawing inspirations from every possible person, accepting mistakes, making new ones and learning from them, able to motivate myself, picking up from shattered pieces and commencing a new stride again and most importantly being happy – this is what I learnt during this year. And my journey is still on for the nest year too. Schedule for the journey will be released next year 😁😉.

To be honest I don’t have much to write about but I started believing that life is better lived every moment than to strive hard to create moments. And I lived 2019 with content for I have life.

2019 – LESSONS LEARNT AND GIFTS RECEIVED

This past year gave me a very precious gift and also some sombre learning…

Gift: 2019 was the year when I got back to working again. After a huge sabbatical of 10 – 11 years I was back in a proper job. Not an internship or a struggling business but a proper 9 – 5 job. I got back something I really yearned for in the past years, appreciation for my work. All those housewives out there will agree with me. Being a homemaker is a never ending job and moments of appreciation for a job well done are very few and far between. Our work is generally taken for granted. No doubt we get all the love from our family members but still appreciation of our work is just not there. 

So back to my job when I joined this school initially I fumbled a little bit. Took time to understand the system. But when within 4 – 5 months of joining when I got a small note of appreciation from the Principal, I was in seventh heaven. I love the feeling of adrenalin pumping through me when we manage events and other activities. Actually I got my self-worth back. The feeling that yes I still have something in me, that I too can do a good job and manage things was a really big gift. So thank you 2019 for showing me my own value.

Learning: One of the biggest thing that 2019 taught me was value of money. I know this may sound strange. We generally hear all the philosophers saying that money can’t buy happiness or money is not everything. But I will tell you from experience – Money is important. It may not be the ‘Be all and End all’ of our life but it is still an essential thing required to survive. I have learned this year how to stretch a rupee. How to make the most of what I have. Maybe this frugality has come to me because I have started earning on my own. My own sweat goes into earning the salary I am getting. Now I get up early in the morning prepare food and get ready and I am out of the house when people around me are still completing their morning walks. All hard work and extra effort  has maybe made me appreciate the money coming into my account even more. 

Thanks a lot  2019. Hoping for a much much better 2020. Ending with just one last note a huge thank you to all my family and friends for the amazing support they have given me in the last couple of years.