RAISED FROM THE PIT- XI

Binoy’s heart skipped a beat. “Are they inside Aru di and bhaiya’s room?“, he panicked. “No, no. They are very good people. I don’t want them to suffer because of me. I don’t want to take their wealth. I can’t let it happen“, he thought.  “I have to check, where they are.” He tip-toed to the door. His hand were shaking and he was sweating profusely. He didn’t want Bablu and his friends to be inside and was praying for the same. He gave the door a slight push, just to have a clear view. He could see Aru Di and bhaiya sleeping peacefully. But, he couldn’t get the full view of the room. So, he pushed the door a little more. He saw some flash lights inside. “Oh My! They are inside! What can be done now? What if, bhaiya finds out about this? Will he trust me again? What if, i break my friends trust? Will they accept me ever again? How will I bring them out of that room, without making noise? What if, didi saw me calling them? What ever I do, I have to do it quick. Either I have to send them away, or will go off with them and would take their things. What will I do? Should I stay or go? What will my Maa would wanted me to do? Study or steal? I have to get them out anyways.” These thoughts raced again and again in his mind making him panic and feel tensed. He was more agitated and sloppy.
 
Before he could give the door a little more push, he lost balance, his hand hit the door hard. He fell and the door opened fully with a loud noise. Arunima and Arnab woke up with a jolt. Binoy was petrified and he froze. He could not even move his eyes to see where his friends were? Arunima hit the lights on. The room was lit and she saw Binoy at the door and asked him, “What happened? What are you doing here? Do you want something? How did you open the door 

Binoy quickly looked around to locate his friends. He fumbled, “N n nno noo!” He could not see his friends in the room and gave a sigh of relief. He explained that he was returning from the bathroom and he was feeling restless and when he saw the door was open he thought of just knocking at their door to feel safe but he slipped and fell down.

Arunima smiled gently and asked, “Oh! Are you hurt? Did you hit anything?

Binoy said, “Yes didi! Just my hand. But I am okay.” He added, “I will now go to my room didi. I am sorry for the noise. You both please go back to sleep.

Arunima nodded and asked him to close the door while going back and they both wished him Good Night. He wished them back and bent a little to get the knob. Before his eyes could reach the knob, it fell on the feet hiding behind the curtains. He stopped. He started panicking. He couldn’t think what he was going to do or what would happen if they came out. His brain was failing to give him any good ideas. He then stood there.

Arnab asked, “What happened Binoy? You want to tell us something?

Binoy didn’t have the courage to look at Arnab and reply him back. He didn’t know what to answer.

Dear, are you scared?” asked Arunima.

Yes didi, I am“, Binoy said.

He then thought about his mother and her humility, love and her lessons. He looked at Arnab and said, “Bhaiya, I want to tell you something.

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IT WAS DADDY! NOT ME!!

This Monday evening, my daughter decides to have pizza. She wanted to go to a “pizza house” and dine in. I would like to pen down the conversation between my daughter and her daddy.

Anaya (my 3yrs old girl): “Daddy!!! I want to have a pizza.”

Daddy (my husband): “Okay, I will tell delivery uncle to get one for you!”

Anaya: “No daddy. I WANT to go to the pizza house.”

Daddy: “Why??”

Anaya (with a fake crying face): “I want to, daddy!”

So, her daddy takes her to the ‘pizza house’. At her ‘pizza house’, she goes directly to a table and sits and says, “I want to eat here daddy.”

Daddy: “But mommy and uncle are at home. They want to eat pizza too. We have to share.”

Anaya: “No daddy! I want it here!”

Daddy (tensed and confused): “But, mommy will cry and uncle too.”

Anaya (in a low sad voice): “Oh!!! Mmmmm okay daddy.”


Finally, they reach home with her pizza and he narrates this incident to me.

He adds, “What on Earth is a pizza house??”

She stood right next to her daddy while he was narrating and was eating her pizza.

I asked her, “You wanted to eat your pizza in the ‘pizza house’??”

She just nods yes.

I add (I make a sad and almost crying face and makes sure she notices); “Without mommy?” 

She looks at me, stares at her dad. It takes her just 30 seconds to decide. She then, points her finger at her daddy and says, “Daddy said”. 

My husband and I, we looked at each other with surprise. She knows how to blame shift.

Her daddy asks her, “What?? I told you to sit and eat there?”

She looks at her pizza and says, “Yes, daddy!” 

She had the cutest of expression and even though there was a lot of innocence, it wasn’t the right thing. She wanted to be the good girl and please mommy. She knew daddy could handle mommy, and everything would be fine. Even though her expressions and the entire situation was funny but I felt the need to make her understand, that it is okay, if she said so. It’s just a wish she had. I told her the same. I explained that she shouldn’t blame others for the things she did. It is a bad thing for a good girl. I hope she understands, remembers and implements it. Well, frankly, I thought of times when I blame shifted, just be safe and loved. I was reminded how I used to fight, just to prove that I wasn’t blame shifting. Even my daughter has seen me do that. I wondered, what if she has learnt it all from me. Am I guiding her in the right path? No, was the answer. 

I have come across a lot of families and blaming others, when they are being questioned, has been a common characteristic for all the different household. Knowingly or unknowingly, it just happens. May be not as frequent, but sometimes people just play that card. In my family, I have seen my mom being blamed for each and everything that goes wrong in our family. I see my mom blaming someone for a thing she couldn’t do. . Even my mom-in-law goes through the same. Sometimes I see myself doing, exactly the same thing. If I am sick and sad, I tend to blame someone for it and bring out my frustration.

There are situations where in a relationship, this blame game comes to play. One of them blames the other for the things that went wrong in their relation. Then the other person blames the former and vice versa and it goes on and on.  These are the things, kids see and learn. When into a relation, both persons are accountable for things they do for or towards each other, good or bad.  This point fades out and situations drift out of hand. Blaming others has always been an easy option. Moreover it keeps us safe, no matter if or how it jeopardizes somebody else’s character or affairs. 

Sadly, we never think of mending this kind of situation. It is so addictive, even though compromising. We don’t put efforts to correct our kids. We don’t explain to them that whatever happens to them is an outcome of what they did, and not because of any situation, person or thing. Whatever they do and the result of it is solely their responsibility. We have only become more intelligent in our work. We as of now blame lifeless elements, where the other person has no option but to just keep mum. For example, today I was asked by one of my brothers, about a task he has given me to do. It was done but wasn’t perfect. Even though I told him the truth, still I blamed my house chores for keeping me from finishing it. Somehow, it has seeped into us and is so deeply rooted that, we just can’t avoid it. Even if we can, we don’t. 

I will not urge you to let go. I will, but try and change myself. I will refrain from giving excuses and blaming others for things I have been doing. All my success and my failures are mine. It’s my efforts that contribute into making me a success or a failure. I will try and be accountable in situations as such. I will try to use my anger, fear, guilt and shame to build me in the correct way. I will not make me, stand in my way to success. I will try and be a good example to my kid and the society. I will try.

THE ROAD TO HOME – XI

“Samar, are you alright buddy? You look lost!” asked one of his colleague. Samar was startled. Samar told him that he was fine and then he went out to have some coffee. He took a sip of his ordered coffee and drifted back to his world of thoughts and emotions. He felt all jittery, after he had sent the flowers and the card. He couldn’t help thinking about the reactions of his mother, his step-father and Sagar, only if they told him. He didn’t know what the answer to the question he had asked was. He was desperate to know. He thought about all aspects of how the present conditions might be. Along with each kind of situation, there was a different emotion associated. He could feel all of them. He wanted this to stop for some time. He wanted a little peace, a little sleep and finish a little undone work. Although his logical brain was finding his emotional heart illogical, it had given up for the moment. His heart was in total control of his body. 

Once he thought, ” May be they have adjusted to the fact that, they now have to live without me. They understood my decision at that point and have moved on. They are the authentic family after all and I was the odd one out there. Of course, I moving out was the greatest plan. I hope I did bring them together and have left them with times to cherish.” His heart had mixed feelings for this thought. A little happy, a little proud, a little satisfied and a little sad. “I hope, Sagar has a good career and is into something creative. I hope he is still a good student as he was before. I want to see him very successful when we meet, if we meet.” He said to himself. He also thought, ” Might be everything is not so good. Might be leaving Sagar behind all alone, at that point, wasn’t such a good idea. What if he did something very bad after I left, fearing our parents’ wrath? ‘OUR’; he thought and then corrected himself, ‘HIS, his parents’.” He felt troubled thinking about it. Sagar still was his life. He couldn’t think about Sagar being harmed in any way. 

What if?” he thought,  “Are they in good health? Are they able to take care of themselves? Are they living a happy life?” The deep pain forced him to stop thinking more about it. He just wanted to see them all and hoped they were fine. He prayed, “God, please, keep them all safe and sound. Give them all a very long life. I really want to see them happy together. Smiling and enjoying time with each other.” This thought troubled him so much that he continuously chanted the prayer. He took another sip of his coffee, which was now ice cold. How is it so cold? Hadn’t I ordered it 5 minutes ago? He looked at his watch. To his horror, he was sitting there for almost 20 minutes now, lost in his thought world. He then, finished his coffee and hurried to his desk to complete his pending works. He had so much to be done and yet was able to do nothing. “Coming to office, isn’t working for me today, I should have taken a leave. I should sleep more. I am not able to concentrate and I have a lots to do for this financial year. How will I reach my target? If I am not efficient, I won’t be a good example either. I really need to focus. I can go home and think about them with ease”, he tried hard to divert himself. Diversion did work for almost the whole of 5 minutes. He had almost reached his thought bubble, when another thought struck him. “What if I could just get my mother’s phone number?”

This idea gave him those ticklish butterflies. He started searching for it, in all ways possible. He asked the persons who told him about his parent’s whereabouts, if they had their numbers. He searched online, many sites, social sites, but it wasn’t there anywhere. He tried to search for official sites, if he could find just anything. In the end, he found a landline number. He quickly fed the number in his mobile as he wanted to save it. He instantly wrote ‘HOME’, and then stared at it, painfully. He erased it and wrote ‘SAGAR’S HOME’. He went out again, staring at his mobile phone, thinking hard to dial it or not. He said to himself, “I won’t talk if anyone answers it, or I will say it’s a wrong number or will call as a sales executive, or something. I just want to hear their voice. Any one of them.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

BFF – BEST FRIENDS FOREVER OR BITCHY FAKE FRIENDS?

“What’s your plan for valentine’s day? How are you planning to celebrate? Do we meet? What can we do?” I asked my friends.

It was almost a decade ago since we planned about the 14th of February. Even though we weren’t into some committed couple relationships, we were committed to each other as BFF’s. We tried to celebrate all important days of the year together, as a family. We were a group of 5 friends, 2 guys and 3 girls. We pretty much shared everything that could be shared. We were inseparable. Somehow, that year, this very date, I wanted to celebrate valentine’s day together. I persuaded everyone to go to some place to have lunch together. Everyone eventually agreed, except my best friend. She was and still is one of a kind. I lost all my wits and soon after my cool, just to make her come. Eventually it happened.

That reminds me of times, when I found myself in a position, where they would come to me with stuffs, and I tried to find a middle way to solve stuffs. I never liked doing that. I found myself taking all decisions, for us and somehow they all agreed, except my best friend, Anu.

Years went by, I left town for higher studies, their complains turned into small issues, small issues took the shape of big fights, causing them to tear apart. Far away, all I could do was, nothing. Still, I tried to pull them all in, maintain the group. I tried to talk to each one of them, and they could not just understand what went wrong and wanted out. Then they started blaming me for asking them to do things, as they wanted to do something different. I had to stop. Numerous things broke us and I am glad we all were strong enough to evolve and reign. This was the only picture that I had, it was my point of view. But, others had theirs. The views which I found out years later.

Good thing was, Anu was still my best friend. She tried to get us together, even when no one talked to her. I felt she did it for me and my heart was filled with love. I always lived in an imaginary love-friendship mansion with her, which was brutally demolished by the wrecking ball of truth. I always wondered, “Everything has fallen in place, we all have the old friendship going then why no one wants to reconcile with Anu?” I never asked anyone or her but this question killed me.

It was for me to figure out and eventually I did. One day, it so happened that, i met one of our friend. He explained to me, what went wrong. He told me how Anu used to manipulate things. She had always wanted to be the attraction of the group, the leader. She wanted everyone to love her and go to her asking for help. She also poisoned their ears about me with things, I would never think of. The get together she had arranged was because she wanted to get back on with her friendship with them, as they were blaming me for the everything. After I heard all these, I was shattered and devastated. How could she? She is my best friend. How? I could barely digest the new fed information. I felt it’s better to talk it out.

I told her about it. She was furious. She said, “What?? I didn’t say you are the culprit, they said and I just agreed. I called them there because they said they didn’t like you and wanted to be my friend.” She went silent after that. I went blank. Was that a reason to reconcile? “I trusted, loved and adored you, but you betrayed me?” is all I thought. What changed?? Do I really deserve it? Was I losing two of my friends? Was it necessary after all these years? I apologized to them both individually, saying; “I haven’t done anything knowingly, but I have hurted you guys, in many ways that I could ever think of and I am sorry. I still want you all in my life, as it was you guys, who were my life. And I am really sorry.”

Today, when I look back, I see my mistakes and I have definitely learned a lot. I am very close with all my friends, all of them. Leaving alone my best friend, Anu. Guilt got the best of her. Even though I am not a great person, but I really try hard to be a good friend. Friendship means a lot to me and I value it. Lying, cheating, backstabbing does not only break the wonderfully built relation but also destroys the essence of it. I realised, “It is better to have enemies who slaps you than to have a friend who stabs you from behind.” It is very easy for a stranger to become your best friend just as easy for a best friend to become a stranger.

I hope this valentine’s day everyone could/should cherish, celebrate and keep the love and friendship of their lives. Keep them all close to your hearts, for eternity. HAPPY VALENTINE’s DAY.

I FELL IN LOVE!

I, being a mother of a three year old, and a crazy lover of animated movies, have been watching quite a lot of them recently. One day, we we’re watching a movie named, “The Christmas Carol”. There was a scene in that movie, where the main character, Mr. Scrooge, and his nephew, we’re shown having an argument. They both didn’t seem to agree with each other. None of their views or thoughts matched. There Mr. Scrooge asked, ” Why did you get married?”. His nephew answered, ” because I fell in love”. Then, Mr. Scrooge repeated it, but in a different way saying, “Because, you, FELL, in love!” . It really got me thinking. Love is such a beautiful thing to feel and behold. Then why, do we say we fell in love?

Looking back into the Indian history, we really have a rich culture where every kind of feelings and sentiments were celebrated. Poetry, prose pieces and stories have all expressed love, in many different ways. So, why is that now, in this 21st century, has love become a taboo? Love jihads, arresting couples on Valentine’s day, burning or breaking love related items in shops on Valentine’s day, being murdered for loving someone, etc. This is, what is going on in this present era. Why? Why does love needs justification? Why does love needs to be restricted? Why does love need boundaries? It’s an awesome, subtle and a warm feeling. It might be over-rated at times, but is the most innocent feeling ever.

Being human, we all have Love, deeply embedded in us. It just comes out when we meet someone, who according to us, is perfect for us, to love and be with. Talking about it basically, teenagers or the persons who come across the feeling of love for the first time, often mistake infatuation for love. Well, that’s where the trouble begins. Even I, have been through similar situations in my life. My infatuation did lead me into a lot of trouble, little shame and starting a new life all together. I had a very strong infatuation towards my best friend, after he declared his love for me. Been from different backgrounds in regards to our beliefs, I told him not to push this feelings further, as it would be difficult for both our families to accept it. But he insisted.

Years went by, I told people very close to me about him, as I felt I was getting serious about him. But, I remember hiding my feelings, in front of my elder relatives, seniors, teachers, warden. The reason was, they would think me to be bad, and of low character. Now, that’s is how rigid this society has been. Because I loved someone of the opposite gender in “that” way, I have a bad moral. Society plays a good role in here. They spread rumors, shame the girl and not the guy, bring her to a point where she let’s go of him, settling for something she doesn’t even want. Something, she would have to like first and then love.
Not my story though. My parents, were worried about my friendship and love, but they had kept that situation in their prayers. Later I found out he was cheating on me, and we broke off. Eventually, to love again and got married to the one I fell in love with (of course to a different guy). 😉

My immediate family is all about love. My parents had a love marriage. At my in laws, everybody, starting from my grandparents in law to us, have have a love marriage. Hence, when I see the hatred over this beautiful feeling called love, it pains me. Love being treated as a taboo, is the most outrageous thing, which this world is entertaining. I do pray, that people should see, feel and practice love as it is meant to be and not treat it as a bad thing or stupid thing or not to be entertained thing. Love is not disgraceful. Let us not see and practice it that way. Let’s not question a pure feeling and reason it with cruelty. We should always deal with love as we would deal with our other feelings. This would only make our world a better place to live in.

REGRETS HAVE NO VALUE – VII 

Rapidly moving lights and darkness seemed to take control of Nina, before she fell into a deep sleep. When she regained her consciousness, she saw her father sitting beside her, holding her hand. The doctors were able to save Nina, but had put her under observation for 72 hours.

Nina felt unwanted, but most of the little attention that she had got, was from her father. He always chose to work longer, than to come home and fight. He had promised Nina a birthday cake, which he forgot to get, as usual. Nina knew it was for this reason that he wanted to come home late. He tried to avoid fights, which wasn’t always possible. There were many reasons as such, which made Nina respect her father a bit more than her mother.

Nina’s doctors came quickly to see how she was doing. They gave her a thorough examination and later that day, they released her from the hospital. At that time, she wondered if the doctors knew how did it happen. On their way back home, everyone was silent. Nina though, from her hind side, could see her mother staring at her, with lack of courage to either face her or love her. She could hear her mother sniffing and see her wiping away her tears.

“Are they of any value, mother?” Nina thought, “Those feelings of regret?”, “All you did, in your rage, was to hit us. And it could have killed me. Huh!”. They reached home and with a heart full of hatred towards her mother, Nina entered their house.

Nina’s mother was guilty. She wanted her husband and kids to forgive her, for her recent actions. Her bad temper had now landed her in trouble. Nina prayed secretly, when she saw her father comforting her mother, that, “God please make father punish mother. Please make him hurt her. God make her go to Jail.” An angry kid’s prayer is so dangerous.

(Image Source: Google Inc.)

Later that evening, Nina’s mother asked her husband to forgive her. Nina thought, “Daddy, be it whatever, don’t forgive her”. But he, somehow forgave her. Nina was astonished and wondered angrily- “That man, who fought so mercilessly with that woman, is now all forgiving? He forgave her for almost killing me?”. Seeing her parents understanding towards each other, rather than fighting for her made her feel all the more lost, lonely, unloved, neglected and undervalued. This action of her father affected her young mind so adversely that she lost the respect she had for her father. There was nothing left in her, for her parents.

Nina woke up with a jolt. She had fallen asleep on the couch, in her hotel room. “Mother!”, she felt. “How does she look like now? Will she even recognize me? Why didn’t I ask Diana, what issues are there with her health? Should I go and see her? It’s been so many years since father’s death, is she still fighting like that with Diana? Is she a better grandmother?”, she thought.

Shivers went down her spine by the mere thought of meeting her mother. She still had time. Two more days, a little bit of emerging emotion for her mother, wish to see her and lots of anger within. She secretly wanted to meet Ankit as well. She wanted to see him, talk to him and wanted to find out if there was still place for her in his life. “But, would it be a fruitful and not a painful experience, to go and meet her mother, or to look for Ankit.” She struggled thinking all that and was in a lot of dilemma. She wanted to finish her remaining work too and then think about all this. She decided to go to sleep and give these heart wrenching thoughts a rest. She struggled a bit, but eventually pushed them away and fell asleep. Continue reading “REGRETS HAVE NO VALUE – VII “

ARE THEY, BETTER THAN ME???

Growing up with this question in mind wasn’t too easy for me. I was so absorbed in inferiority complex then, that I used to assess myself in every other situation. The most promising problem for me, that still stands, is comparison. I absolutely hate being compared by others and comparing my ownself to others. Even though, at times, I do the later. If I had to cope with the comparison, then it would have been a little easy. But, with comparison came pressure. Pressure of living up to the expectations of your family, relatives, society as well as friends. I would love to elaborate a little and would make my deepest feelings known to all.

Comparison of health: in this judgemental, small world, I grew up to be a fat girl. I was constantly bullied by peers and elders of our society because of my health and looks. I was constantly reminded that I was never born to eat my favorite food to my hearts content, drink my favorite drinks, as they would make me more fat, dance as it would break the floor, run as it might start an earthquake, wear jeans as all fats would be visible to the world. I was told to hide my body under big loose clothes, eat less food, drink lukewarm water, never to dance or play. Elders of the society (middle aged) named me baby elephant, hippo, big fat hen and some would cutely call me panda. At times, I felt my parents were secretly ashamed of me. Even for them, it was heart wrenching to hear such things. Moreover, comparison of my health to the thinnest one in the family, made me more uncomfortable. it also affected our relationship. Stress and pressure of being presentable and acceptable to the society took my happiness and it still manages to scare me.

Comparing grades: I am a proud member of an intelligent family, but somehow the genes have spared me. They were too busy making me fat that they forgot to code some intelligence. My 10th and 12th grades were horrifying as I was asked to follow my cousins who were more brainy than I. Even in my dreams I would see myself being ridiculed for not getting good grades. My cousins weren’t the ones comparing but the elders were. They did not understand the burden of it. They didn’t understand that I have particular set of qualities which might not match the skill set of my cousins. Anxiety, fear of exams, fear of being pointed out as stupid, fear of failing engulfed me and I drowned in its waves.

Comparing friendship: Are you a good friend? If you have ever been with a group of friends with strong personalities you will understand this. Everyday is a struggle to prove your friendship is true to all of them. At times you might do something that might please one, but not others or vice versa. in such situations, I lost many friends. There were times they would ask me, “I wouldn’t have done that, why did you?”. Many times I was held responsible for things I never did. But one thing that I learnt is that, no matter what, a true friend who knows you in and out will always be with you. They might not agree or support you, but they will remain in your life always. Maybe other are better friends than me, but I still try to be a good one.

Comparing the looks: I am not beautiful, neither am I ugly. It is how God has created me and it is what will be. Looks are so over-rated, well I feel so. Just because, people always favor the beautiful. No matter how good you are at your work, or how precise and perfect you were when you finished the work, or you were the only one who worked for the entire thing, but the name that comes first would be theirs. Its a natural tendency to bend towards the more beautiful ones. I have seen people ignore the ones who love them with all they have, for a good looking person, not so beautiful at heart. Not every good looking person ha a bad heart. Not every average person, is a good human. Still looks take the upper hand. People do not trust people who look average or below. For me, because of my looks, people said, “my!! who will marry you?” For them, my marriage was a shocker.

Comparison of being a type of human: As you have read in one of the article, we have our own way of thinking how the other person should be and how he should love his life. Any deviation makes that person, a matter of discussion in our household. I have been that person, who was discussed for showing some of her reactions and feelings. As it is said, life is not a bed of roses…. it might be the tinniest of thing, but one wrong makes you a bad person for your entire life. For me, not being diplomatic and not thinking before I speak, landed me into a lot of trouble. But, God has helped me through all that situation and now I am a happy person.

Surviving comparisons, its pressure and demands was never an easy game play. But God did help me through. I guess, in this present scenario, many go through this kind of situations and emotional points in life. Assurance is that, if we really believe in our-self and make our own way through this, we will definitely reach our haven, may be tired but free. There will not be despair, but only hope, for a much brighter future, we can behold.