YOU CAN NEVER BE “NOTHING”

May not be the chime in rain drops,
But you might be the rainbow hidden in the water prisms,
just waiting for the beams to shine upon.

May not be the fragrance of freshly sprinkled earth,
But you might be the pot hidden in those particles,
just waiting for the hands to carve you.

May not be the breeze on a moonlit night,
But you might be the power of wind shattering the barriers,
just need the right direction for your flow.

May not be the apparent shine of gold,
But you might be the strength and value of a diamond,
just need fingers to polish and brush away the dust on you.

May not be everyone’s dream,
But you might be the music in someone’s life,
just need to usher the tunes of smile.

May not be everything you wanted to be,
But you might be something,
better and destined to be for you can never be “Nothing“.

SOLITUDE OF THE HEART

The heart alone knows its aching cry,
The cry of despair,
The cry that no one else hears,
Not even the one whose arm pulls you near.

When the world seems on its own way,
And storms rage at life’s bay,
You seem to be in dismay,
And do not know what to do or say.

The fierce tempests seem not to cease,
Putting you so ill at ease,
Yet you’ve got to smile,
And continue to walk the busy miles.

You look for comforters all around,
But all seem to push you aground,
The one you trust is so near yet so far away,
Ignorant to your heart’s aching cry.

The wiles of life appear difficult to bear,
As if your life is going to rip and tear,
And, you look around –
Alas! There is no one to hear.

Withdrawn into a shell,
You wish for all to be well,
As you marvel how alone the heart can be,
When all around so many you can see.

JOYS OF RAISING BOYS

“It’s going to be fun
For you have always gelled well
With every little one”
My dearest ones told me this
When I was blessed with a son. 

No, don’t do this,
Why don’t you try that.
Stop playing with the spices,
Go play with your bat.

Stop throwing a tantrum,
For I won’t give you my cellphone. 

Blue stars for every good deed,
Black stars for not paying me a heed.

I will reward you if you be good, 
Else will take your favourite toy and scoot. 

I tried and tested every advice,
Recalling that my class of 30 was amazingly nice.
I could handle them with perfection,
But my own showed no flexion.
It’s time to get him a sibling,
The new role will be fulfilling.
Another boy it was meant to be,
Sweet brotherhood I thought I’ll see. 

One year later I woke up from my dream,
There was a hard crust under the cream.
Screams and cries became an everyday affair,
Feuds became fights for me to interfere. 

Joys of raising boys is that you call?
Stress and yelling make my hair fall!
Girls are always caring I sometimes yell,
Get ‘Baby Alive Doll’  my elder one tells. 

Let’s send them to boardings,
For they’ll learn discipline and good things.
That’s the last resort we say,
But the heart remains in dismay. 

Hundreds of sorrries
Are oh-so-sweet,
The kisses during those worries,
Hugs and cuddles are my big treat.
These tiring years will soon fly, 

When I’ll realize these energetic boys are my only joy! 

I WALKED…

I walked…
I walked close to death…
I walked so close to the valley of death…
Not this time only…
Not once…
But many times…
In many occasions I walked…
I walked close to death.

 

I missed…
I missed my loved ones at that moment…
A moment when I went through the valley of the shadow of death…
A moment I almost missed and lost all…
But I found them all back…
I found them all again…
Because He wanted me to live again…
He wanted me to stay for others again.

 

I felt…
I felt His presence…
I felt His Holy Countenance…
I felt His loving arms around me.
I felt…
I felt the warmth of His life…
As I walked in the ruthless cold of death.

 

I touched…
I touched the softness…
I touched the softness of my saviour’s palms…
His comforting bosom.
My feet touched His soft palms as He carried me through in His arms…
The smooth, the soothing, the soft touch of Him made me whole and comforted.

 

I thank…
I thank God for His grace…
I thank for the life given to me again…
A life dedicated for Him…
A life dedicated for those who are in need of me…
A life to be poured out once again for my loved ones…
A life to be sacrificed again for His purpose.

(Originally posted HERE)

DO NOT BE BURDENED BY INSECURITIES

In life, we come across so many people. Some people are unique in a good way, and some in not so good way. In one of my recent trips, I came across one such girl, named Bhavya. On the positive, she is very bubbly, fun, and talks a lot. Like way too much of talking, she cannot stay silent for a couple of minutes. Every day, before we start our day’s venture, she would hold 2 – 3 options for outfits she wants us to choose from. Every choice a person makes, she would find some way in which that would not make her look beautiful. This dress is too dull, the sleeve is too long, the color is not suitable for today’s weather and whatnot. Initially, I thought she is indecisive. To be indecisive is a small problem, but sooner I realized she is looking for acceptance from others. After two days, as our group became more close, she started asking many more opinions of others. Literally regarding everything, including what she should order to eat. After a certain point in time, I wondered how she would live if she were on all her own.

We were more girls on the trip than boys. Bhavya was actively looking out for a partner. So, every good looking boy she sees, she would turn around to me and ask, “What do you feel about him? Is he good looking?“. Once or twice wouldn’t have been so irritating to me, but after 10 times in half an hour, I responded with a little bit of a serious face, “You are asking a wrong person. I came all the way here to sync in the beauy of the place and culture rather than invest my time in validating whether someone is good looking or not. Moreover, if you are the one who is going to ask him out, your opinion is what matters, not mine”. As you can imagine, this triggered Bhavya’s anger. She did not talk with me that day but wished me at the next day’s breakfast table. I returned her wish and smiled in response. I thought things would get back to normal, but they didn’t.

She continued to ask questions as is, so there was no effect on her to what I said. Instead, there was an addition to every question of hers, “Don’t judge me ok”. So, now the question would be, “Ok, now, please don’t judge me. Tell me which ice cream do you think I should try??”. I was literally feeling like, “Oh God!! Please let go of me Bhavya” but I could not say that out. Finally I am the one who is judgemental 🙂 There were two other girls who tried to explain to her how she is being too naive and looking for other’s approval to do things. There were a few who literally judged her that she is too negative and indecisive.

I believe she is thinking in negative ways, or double-checking all her choices because she is insecure. Insecurity breeds a lot of negativity in a person. Such people always think like Bhavya. They are not confident enough because they presume others are going to criticize or make fun of them if the choice turns out to be the wrong one. They would constantly look for approval, be nice to others. They want to be liked. They literally strive to make a place. Insecurity does not enter a person always because of fear. Sometimes, it might have developed purely because of others, how people would have treated them. They might have heard phrases like, ” You are not beautiful“, “you look so fat”, “you are a loser”, “you cannot accomplish anything in life” and took them to their heart. Because of such treatment from others, they constantly cannot stop thinking what others would think of them. Living with insecurity is like a cursed life.

Insecurity can change a person’s thought process upside down if it is not addressed. If you encounter such people who are seeking for approval, fill confidence in them. Tell them, the only person who needs to approve is, they themselves. Making a wrong choice is absolutely ok and that’s how we learn. As kids, we fall and rise on our own. Facing the critics is something similar. Not everyone is going to like us as we are, sometimes they may not like us even if we change ourselves but that is absolutely fine too. In this case, the person who is criticizing is the one who needs to be treated because his/her criticism has crossed boundaries to cause insecurity in many others. The first and foremost way to deal with insecurity is not to feel secure but to have the strength to tolerate insecurity.

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson

IN THE MIDST OF THE FEAR OF LOSING SOMEONE

INSECURITY FEELING (the fear of losing someone/something) is quite apparent in human life. In fact, every now and then we wrestle with this fear. We all have noticed Mom always protects their babies putting pillows around them when he/she is alone in bed. We are advised to walk on the footpath because there is the possibility of the accident if we walk on the road. On a larger point, it would not be wrong to cap our 21st century as a “Password-Protected” generation. Whether it is to get some cash or login to our desktops or unlocking the doors of our posh houses, we all need “passwords”, but WHY? 

Well, the answer is too simple “WE ARE AFRAID OF LOSING OUR BELOVED PEOPLE AND OUR CHOICEST BELONGINGS!”

I strongly believe there are good replacements when we lose our choicest materials. A couple of weeks back accidentally I broke my cell phone and the next week I took a new one of higher configuration. All that the new device asked me to do is to sync it to my Google account to restore all of my data. BUT ALAS… THERE IS NO PROPER REPLACEMENT RELATIONSHIP.

Often in life, we come to such a place,

It becomes too difficult to make a choice.

Fear of losing people seems so grisly,

Our mind stops working repeatedly.

As we try to take one more step with courage,

Fear of losing people again surrogates.

Dear God, this is the place where I’m standing today,

Can’t You take this fear of losing people far away???

Last year, as I was navigating through the fear of losing one of my beloved people, this is what I was praying for quite a long time. Well, neither God answered in my desired way nor He removed the sting of fear. But as always He is mysterious in all His ways, He tried to train my mind through it. Probably, He is confident enough about the permanence and goodness of the fear of losing our beloved ones in our life.

In this good fear, the characters and situations are timely replaced but the fear is always punctuated to our life. Positively thinking, this good fear works as FENCE in all our relationships. It not only restricts us from crossing the ethical and moral peripheries of our relationships but also elevates the relationship to a glorious plateau.

Considering another side of the paradoxical nature of “INSECURITY FEELING”, we are easily victimized by losing the peace of our mind. In the anxiety of insecure feelings, we lean towards the unethical and inappropriate ways of gripping our relationships. Jealousy, harsh behavior, and abusive words start butchering our relationships which gradually results in losing our beloved ones.

IN THE MIDST OF THE FEAR OF LOSING SOMEONE, we need to adopt two basic ideas:

  1. CONTROL YOUR ANXIETY: Insecure feeling gives rise to an anxious mind and anxious mind always lacks peace and wild in thinking. Any decision that is taken in anxiety is extremely partial, self-centered and sinful in nature.
  2. TRUST GOD: As we realize a particular situation is beyond our control and the possibility of losing someone will be too costly, we look for help outside of us. Usually, we don’t seek help from a stranger, we seek only from trusted ones. When it is about ” TRUSTING SOMEONE” the best option I would prefer is “GOD” because He is not like a human who can change in a moment.

God is the source of PEACE & POSSIBILITY and WISDOM & UNDERSTANDING. And all that we lack in fear is exactly that! We run out of peace, we only see hopelessness and understanding seem impossible to us.

As we trust God in the midst of fear of losing someone and pray to Jesus instead of responding to our fears, the peace of God dawns on our minds. In the peace of mind, we got able to understand both ends of the situation – our own and our beloved ones. This understanding guards our hearts and mind to make the right choice.

That’s what in the Bible I learned,

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

I DON’T WANT TO LOOK DUMB

Year 2016, I failed my first ever examination.  And by examination I mean literally examination where candidates sit in a room and test their knowledge about a particular subject. (My conscience is knocking me at this moment “Are you sure FIRST TIME? What about the one or two competitive exams you appeared for 🤔?”  Pat comes my answer when the results are unknown I can easily state conspiracy theories😎).  But in this situation results were out instantly and I flunked. What an embarrassment! My head hung in shame and searching for excuses or you can say solace in answers like “you are not alone, relax! Out of 20 people present there only one or two cleared the test. And there was one candidate who got it all wrong. And you were just 2 points away from the passing mark” and many points in the same league just to console my hurt heart which was crying deep inside “Ab kaise muh dikhaaoge gharwaalo ko” (how would you face your family now?).

Why I was ashamed? Is it because I had to shell out more money (I forgot to tell that it was a driving theory test) I preferred to give my test in English? Is it because my husband had to skip many lunches at home as I was preparing hard for this 🙈?  Probably because I was taking myself too seriously, trying too hard to keep up my image of a “topper”.  My failure in that exam was a result of my fear, pressure to prove myself, in short my insecurity (My good friend Rajnandini mentioned in her article “No Insecurity when God is your Security“. Result could have been different if I would have concentrated a little bit more on logic of driving lessons, just saying.

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(Image Credit – Google Inc.)

Coming to the current year, 2019. I finally cleared my driving theory test with an excellent score. And comes the next stage, I am finally at the steering wheel. Thought practical will be easy but it’s been 16 hours, 4 hours per week but I am still at gear 2 and my instructor continuing his high pitched shrilled voice “Kalpana – what about maintaining your right? Look how close we are to the edge; look how far we are from the edge; Why is your car trembling? You can’t change the gear without handling clutch” and he continues.  At the end of every session he repeats himself “don’t drive with hesitations, pressure and fear. Driving isn’t that difficult.”

And a deep introspection of his words again puts me in the dock asking myself  “why do you fear so much? Why do you want to prove yourself ? Why not relax and let it sink?” Answer is probably  I am still in control of my insecurities instead of my car 😁 – I don’t want to look and sound dumb. I have the pressure of learning how to drive for my kids but the pressure of proving myself is greater than anything else.

All said and done I don’t have any inhibitions to accept that yes I am an insecure person. My insecurities stem from the fact that I want to guard my image, I fear people’s perception about me. To put it simply – I don’t want to look dumb. I am sure there are many more people with me on the same page, sailing the same boat. We take up things to prove ourselves, we hesitate to clarify our doubts because we fear mockery, we hesitate to say NO because we don’t want to come across as rude, in short we are too indulged in ourselves or take ourselves too seriously.

It’s time to break shackles of our insecurities and to breathe free.  Reason – our “image” is not of tad importance to anyone.  It isn’t a picture of  Mona Lisa decorating the Louvre Museum, distortion of which would make a huge difference to anyone. what say? Do share your experiences and start breaking and  breathing free because every iota of world’s creation and creature have it’s own importance. Just bask and soak yourself in that glory. Meanwhile I will try the same 😁.