THE LIFE OF ‘NO’

The first word that we teach a child, unintentionally, of course, is NO. 

No baby, don’t cry.

No, don’t put your finger in your mouth.

No, don’t touch that!

So basically, restrictions are born with the birth of a child, even before, as the mommy-to-be follows many restrictions for the safety of the baby and her own good.

As the child grows up, the restrictions also increase and hence the number of Nos.

Can you get me that toy? No

Can I watch TV? No

Can I eat chocolates? No

I guess parents insist more on imposing restrictions on their children, rather than telling the logic behind our ‘NO’s. Obviously, the restrictions are for their safety, but we forgo to explain the reason behind them. It happens with me too. The moment my child demands anything, instead of telling him the reason, I simply say ‘No’. The result is instant- cries and screams are all for your ears! The reason is simple- your logic or reason behind the restriction is not comprehensible for them, so it’s always better to take the short-cut and simply say a No. We don’t even try to explain our point of view to them until they grow up to their rebellion age when they demand an explanation from every answer of yours. And slowly, the restrictions as parents mellow down.

I feel, eventually, restrictions take a U-turn and come back to the parents, which most of us must be experiencing, especially in this pandemic. 

Don’t go out without a mask.

Don’t watch the news on TV, it’s all negative.

Don’t go to buy the groceries, will order instead.

But all we hear is that same old story, “Outdoor walk is essential. You panic so much. We have also seen epidemics. In our times, nothing like of this sort used to happen”, etc, etc.

Restrictions act as prevention, they are difficult, yet they are imposed out of love and care. Few restrictions can be over-ruled, but when it comes to the safety of one’s life, these restrictions act as a boon.

Restrict when required

Restrict yourself from restricting

When you can avoid.

“…DON’T DO THAT”

I’ve heard people say that ‘Restrictions are to become a part of daily life now’ but if we look closely haven’t we always been under some sort of restriction or the other? …parents, teachers and society in general?

We’ve only given it a different name.. we call it a sacrifice, more like self-imposed rather than others imposing it on us. Sacrifice is still in many ways a restriction

Let’s have a look at some examples:

• A man sacrifices on frivolous daily spending to buy a bike he has been eyeing for a long time – self-imposed restriction
• A woman sacrifices her needs over that of her husband’s or children – self-imposed restriction
• Parents sacrifice the number of outings/vacations for their future child’s education – self-imposed restriction
• A teacher sacrifices her sleep to prepare a good lesson plan for her students for the next day/week. – self-imposed restriction
• Youngsters keeping their electronic gadgets aside to spend time with their grandparents – self-imposed restriction
• A boyfriend saves up his money to buy his girlfriend the perfect birthday gift and treat her to a wonderful day, thus sacrificing his pleasures for months – self-imposed restriction

While sacrifice may be a good thing to do for the sake of someone else, it also helps one understand as an individual, that ‘certain restrictions’ are needed because, at the end of the day, we really do not need everything.

Restrictions have always been part of our life, just that we never paid enough attention to it. Today, the world demands that we restrict ourselves from the things we love to do – being social, going out partying/clubbing, traveling, etc, which in the long run will only help us live a more lengthy life, not necessarily a comfortable one.. but still a sustainable one.

We need to start practicing what I call the “emotional-detachment-syndrome” to various things and people. The more we are attached to things, the more difficult it will get to live without them.

Speaking for my fellow brown people, we are way too emotional about most things around us and it hits us hard when something bad happens (deaths/rapes/injustice, etc.. to name a few) ..that said movies get us people emotional too, this lockdown has had people come down to tears.

The more emotional we get as a community, the more will we get frustrated, coz how does one counter an emotional person with another one sitting next to you?
…and that’s where people like me are invaluable to the society – [Head over Heart – the logical thinker] (a dying breed/population)

The more we stop paying attention to everything that happens around us and go about doing our own business, this world will be a better place to live in, trust me on that. Let us take the Japanese people, for example, robots as they may seem to be when you see them walk on the road… but the logic is simple, they go about doing their thing, everyone looks after themselves and the government looks after the country’s affairs – no major fights, not many protests, etc.

If we have to learn, why not learn from the best?

“Wise people see trouble coming and get out of its way. But foolish people go straight to the trouble and suffer because of it.” Proverbs 22:3.

Let go of the things that don’t matter. I’m sure most of us have learned that lesson the hard way during the various phases of the imposed lockdown.. that way we work well within ourselves, we need not restrict ourselves from anything in particular – people, place or situation.

Restrictions only put full stops to our life, which otherwise should be full of commas, colon, semicolons, and exclamation marks. Questions however will always be there…

We all come pre-equipped with certain physical and psychological programming to get a feel for how a thing may turn out, what might happen – using correct judgment in such a scenario, will only help lend quality to an otherwise, very frivolous life that we have been leading thus far.

The lessons from the current lockdown might have been many, but the most important one is:

While the country heads might tell us not to do this and not to do that, it is still up to us to do the right thing – and by ‘right’ we mean.. or at least hope to mean is: setting ourselves free of the restrictions from negative thoughts and spiteful behavior to one another.

At the end of this post, it is about asking yourself, what are the restrictions that you have bound yourself with? Are they helping you grow as an individual or stunting the growth of being a better person, a better citizen, and a better future leader of this country?

What is it for you? Physically, Emotionally or Mentally restricted?

RESTRICTIONS – BENEFICIAL OR DETRIMENTAL?

Early one morning a few days back, I got frantic messages on my phone from the mother of a ten-year-old girl. The issue in hand was that the little one who suffers from Celiac disease had gobbled up a whole big packet of wheat biscuits and two packets of cake the night before!

Those of you who do not know what Celiac disease is may just laugh out loud on the gluttony of the little girl. However, binge-eating is not the issue here. People with Celiac are gluten allergic. So they need to refrain from consuming those foodstuffs containing gluten, wheat being the chief gluten consisting ingredient. Consequently, the range of food items is much-restricted for them.

After painstakingly preparing all delicacies with gluten-free ingredients every day over and above the family’s normal menu and ensuring that her daughter doesn’t miss out on anything, the mother was understandably aghast at her daughter’s doing. And, what did the little one have to say about it all?

Mummy, I was so frustrated being tied down to dietary constraints for the last ten years, that I just thought to flout them and see what it is like to be able to eat normal food which everyone else eats!!

The explanation was, of course, no consolation to the mother who was desperately praying that allergic reactions should not surface!

Ask diabetics how easily they adhere to sweet and carbs restrictions, and there’ll be endless stories for you to savour!

Restrictions limit us from doing what we so feel to do, but should not/are not allowed to do for certain purposes.

I categorise restrictions into the following types –

The first category of restrictions that come to mind is the restrictions put in place by the Divine Lawmaker. The moral laws of the Divine Lawmaker are universal and absolute – with no space for relativism and slackness whatsoever. That is why making light of such restrictions is called nothing else, but sin.

You shall not steal.

You shall not covet others belongings.

You shall not kill.

You shall not commit adultery.

You shall not look at a woman/ man with a heart of lust.

You shall not dishonour or take the name of God in vain.

These are few of the many restrictions put in place for us humans by the Divine Lawmaker. Let me present the above-mentioned restrictions in reverse order. It would read somewhat like this –

You are free to steal.

You are free to covet and usurp other’s belongings.

You are free to kill.

You are free to be in an adulterous relationship.

You are free to lust after a woman/ man.

You are free to dishonour and take the name of God as frivolously as you feel to.

How do these sound?

Imagine a world with freedoms as the above!

The restrictions which God has put in place for mankind do not serve the purpose of portraying Him as an authoritarian theocrat but are wise prescriptions for peace and order among human beings on earth. The chaos we see all around in the world today is the result of careless disobedience, lack of adherence and deliberate non-cognizance of the divine restrictions.

The second broad category of restrictions is societal restrictions by the country/ society/ family. In the year 1999, Odisha (an east Indian state) was struck with a devastating super cyclone, the after-effects of which echo in some parts of the state even to this day. The casualties were very high, not to mention the loss of property. However, the state did not fail to learn its lesson from this heavy blow. Many cyclones have struck the state ever since, but with negligible human casualties, the reason being, the stringent imposition of restrictions by the administration – fishermen being debarred from venturing into the seas, timely evacuation of the inhabitants in low-lying areas, and many such well-thought-of restrictive measures.

Nevertheless, there are always a few people who resist these restrictions not wanting to leave their houses and livelihood for the sake of saving their lives. Imagine what would be the reality if these people were permitted to do as they wished without adhering to the restrictions!

Medical restrictions for people suffering from certain ailments, mobile phone usage restrictions during thunderstorms and lightning, lockdown movement restrictions, certain travel advisories comprise those in this category.

Ever been penalised for jumping red lights? A price to pay for making light of well-intended traffic restrictions!

The third category of restrictions that I can think of is self-imposed restrictions. These restrictions may or may not be aversive to the well-being of the individual and that of others. In his book My Experiments with Truth, Mahatma Gandhi writes of his self-imposed restriction arising from a firm conviction to abstain from consuming milk. Such a restrictive dietary regimen worked well for him to the end he wanted to achieve.

People switch to vegan or vegetarian diets, give up going to the theatre/ cinema, restrict themselves to wearing certain types of clothes only or restrict themselves from socialising with certain types of people. Such self-imposed restrictions are specific to specific people based on the life principles they wish to live by. Flouting these restrictions would result more in one’s own emotional and personal discomfort, rather than cause major repercussions for mankind at large.

The final category of restrictions is what I consider as forced restrictions. These are restrictions that are forced down the throats of people by significant others, with threats of dire consequences if flouted. One example that I can think of in the Indian context is caste restrictions. Though inter-caste mingling has seen a sea change over the years with many of the restrictions having been done away with (largely in urban areas), restrictions on inter-caste marriages persist invariably. These forced restrictions lead to loss of lives every other day in the name of honour killing – just because some young couple chose not to adhere to these restrictions that were forced on them by elders.

Certain families restrict women from holding jobs outside the house after marriage. In certain countries, women are restricted from venturing outdoors without a male accompanying them. In a certain country, women are prohibited from wearing make-up leading to a thriving smuggling industry for make-up products.

Forced restrictions, though not necessarily sinful are definitely detrimental for the mental health of individuals and pose threats to the development of a healthy society.

Whatever be the category of restrictions, if they are well-embraced by people they do not cause many inconveniences. However, if they give rise to rebellion, there remain consequences to bear.

What happened in the case of the little girl mentioned in the beginning of this article, was a slow build-up of a pressure cooker situation. When the pressure was too much for her reasoning and rebelling mind, the lid simply blew off making her do the unwanted irrespective of the consequences that lied ahead of her.

All we need is a prudent mind to discern which restrictions to adhere to and which restrictions to speak up/ go against hoping to bring out well-meaning progressive changes in the society and the in the world at large.

THE DESIRE OF HAVING A DRESSING TABLE

Life is quite unpredictable and one has no idea what’s next. The only thing that is certain about life is its uncertainty. Still, life brings so many beautiful and sweet memories to us. Today I am going to share one such sweet memory with you.

This picture reminds me of an incident when I was still in school. I was studying in the 9th standard. During that time my Dadi (grandmother) was alive and I remember she was quite old. Her face had numerous wrinkles and freckles. She was told that she faced quite difficulties while walking. She had a wooden trunk and also a shabby looking box made up of tin. She used to keep them locked and kept her things into it. Upon being asked what’s inside them, she used to say that she keeps her lovable possessions. At times, when she opened her trunk and box I had a few opportunities to see what’s inside them.

One day when I was done with my lunch and was heading towards our drawing-room, my eyes caught her attention. I peeped inside her room. She was sitting on her bed and her trunk was wide open. She was holding a mirror in her hand and was looking into it. Since her bed was near the window of her room that opened in the passage leading to the living room, I could clearly see how she was looking into the mirror. The mirror was quite old-fashioned and had several dark spots on it. It seemed that somebody deliberately sprinkled some dark colors in the mirror. Still, my Dadi was looking into it. She tucked her loose strands behind her left ear and was observing her wrinkles and freckles. She adjusted her large specs and touched her cheeks. I wanted to ask her why she was looking into such an old mirror in which her face isn’t clearly visible. But then I saw a small teardrop rolling down her cheek and I stopped myself from interrupting her. After some 15 minutes, she carefully covered the mirror in a cloth and tucked it inside the trunk.

I couldn’t stop myself and therefore, one day I asked her about that mirror. She said, “I was seeing how old I have grown. When your grandfather was alive, I used to put kohl into my eyes, tie my hair, put bindi, and look myself into the mirror. I used to ensure if I am looking well. But when your grandfather passed away, I never felt like doing any such thing. After all, he wasn’t there to admire that kohl, a nice bun, bindi, and jhumka.”

“That mirror was a gift from your grandfather. I never had a dressing table and I always wished to have one. I often asked your grandfather to bring one for me,” she said further while taking a deep breath.

“One day he came home and handed me a packet. I opened it and saw a mirror in it. He said, ‘I can’t afford a dressing table for you but you can consider this as your dressing mirror. Place it on your wooden trunk and then you can sit down and get ready.’ This is why I have been keeping this mirror for all these years. I used to keep it on my wooden trunk along with my comb, sindoor, bindi, hairpins, and oils. Though I never had a conventional dressing table, your grandfather somehow fulfilled my dream of getting ready in front of a dressing table by giving this mirror and suggesting to put it on the trunk.”

I don’t know what happened to that mirror after she passed away. But that trunk still stays in her room. The trunk now has her comb, two old sarees and a part of the wooden frame of that old mirror. It stays there unused but full of memories that my grandmother cherished till her death.

FLIGHT OF FANTASY

She soared up in the sky. It was a beautiful night. The full moon shining bright and the city lights below giving fierce competition to the moon. She inhaled the cool breeze and flapped her wings. Oh, how she enjoyed this flight! The freedom to go wherever she wanted… Each and every light below beckoning her to come to check out the fun that they are having.

She perched on a window. The mother was putting the baby to sleep and the obviously tired mother had fallen asleep but the baby was flailing his hands and legs in the air and cooing. She whistled a beautiful song. The baby enjoyed it and finally fell asleep.

She flew over a dark alley. The policeman was walking his beat. The burglar was hiding in the shadow. She chuckled to herself and gave out a loud hoot. The policeman turned in the direction of the sound and saw the burglar trying to enter an open window. “Now he will catch him,” she thought. 

Again she soared in the sky. The brightly lit market place attracted her. She perched on a street light and saw a couple in the window of the restaurant having candlelit dinner. They both had smiles on their face and eyes only for each other. 

“Oh!” She sighed “Life is so beautiful.”

She looked up and saw them – the guards were coming. “Oh no! They are coming for me. They will lock me up again…  I don’t wanna go back there. I want to fly…” She tried to get away but she was caught. 

It was morning and she opened her eyes. The steady beep of the machines and the distinctive smell of hospital told her that the dream was over she was back –  strapped in the hospital bed, paralyzed waist down. 

“I will walk” she affirmed “One day I will fly...” and smiled at the nurse.

‘A DREAM’ – NOT JUST ENOUGH…

Dreams are facile and gorgeous to closed eyes…

In my imaginative world, I dreamt of owning a hilltop penthouse. It was a springtime beautiful full moon evening. The hilly fresh air touching my skin and giving the comfort of nature. Small clouds were passing beneath my balcony pane. All the way, away from unwanted evening guest interruption, I was enjoying hot coffee in my yellow ZooZoos printed coffee mug, at the back in my dark living room the slow music and the two small blue lights from my home theatre were lighting my entire glass-walled living room. There were neither the bizarre sound of vehicle honks at the traffic nor the irritating midnight barking of street dogs only the dazzling yellow and blue bright lights of a busy city life down the hill was giving the feel of a calm and composed mind. A faraway from my hometown, I was enjoying those blissful evening moments with my small family. Lo and behold, Pogo (my Pug) sneezed on my face and tired I screamed out, can somebody get this pug a tissue! Mumma replied, O, hello Mr. Lazy, take Pogo for the evening walk, it’s 5:30 P.M now!

Dreams that we imagine in our conscious mind reflects in our subconscious mind while we sleep. Probably, that’s why it is said, “dreams won’t let you sleep!” Contextualizing to my imaginative world’s dream the undeniable question someone can shoot at me, “Well, WHAT’S NEXT to fulling your dream?” Undoubtedly, since human desires are unlimited and as human, I am profoundly subjected to it. Meanwhile, the Bible verse that projected me my grey-haired days –

“I have seen all the things that are done under the sun;

all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind.”

I asked myself, does that mean I should stop dreaming? Well, the omnipresent calm voice of God answered back, “Human mind and Imagination is the primordial friends, they walk hand-in-hand and My given freedom allows human to imagine everything their heart desires. But in their course of life, it is My given wisdom to reason which presents before them the final point of their chase to fulfil the dream.”

To the clinical eyes the more you rise to the top, the power of visibility grows lesser and lesser. Analogically, so happens with our soul! The more and more we desire to be on the top the lesser and lesser emptied we find within. And alas, the same dream penthouse of my story may become my place to hang myself to stop dreaming. Though now, I want guests and friends by my side sadly, there may be none of those unwanted guests, probably I have grown up so high that they are unable to connect with me. 

The problem is not in the dreaming,

the problem is how do you fulfill your dream.

Dreams are seen in closed eyes but it is our passion to toil for it gives tangible shape to the dream. Again, a reminder for us is, our untamed passion to bring down the dream to reality is empowered enough to allow our futile thoughts and convinces our fragile hearts to compromise with the ethics & morals. And finally, out there on the hilltop penthouse within the glass-walled rooms we may become filled outside but EMPTIED WITHIN…

The Bible says,

“Commit your works to the LORD,

and your plans will be established.”

TOGETHER WE SAILED

“Hurry up, they are reaching here, Come’ on dear, hop on. we have got to go“.

I stood amazed at what we were about to do. But then hopped on and just pushed my feet on the land to get the boat moved. And there we were sailing away…

We could see, the torch lights in the distance, approaching the banks, but we were already half the way.  Not knowing where we were off to but determined to be together.

I held him closer, cuddling in his arms. The heaven I wanted to be in all along. I did not know, whether I was crying for being happy or just sad. But somewhere deep down I knew I was happy because I was with him.

Sailing under the moonlit sky, in a boat, along with him, the moment was the beautiful one I could ever imagine. We sailed and sailed away to a direction unknown, with the moon guiding us and wind pedaling us to somewhere, where we belonged.

The journey went on and on… the night was enticing, and the moon showered the silver light upon us. He cupped my face in his palms, and there he was gonna kiss me…

Suddenly the boat began to shake… I lost my balance, but we never left the hands of each other.

There we fell off the boat…

“Mamma wake up… wake up… she is fighting with me…” I was awakened by the call of my elder one… and there again I was pushed into reality.

Afternoon naps after romantic movies are quite enriching with dreams.