WHERE IS THE TIME?

There are many things I know I need to be doing and don’t get around to actually doing it. Please don’t ask why? Because I will say ‘Where is the time?” 

In my quest to become a perfect homemaker, mother, employee I really feel time is running me by and I have no time to invest in myself. I have read dozens of self help books, seen multiple inspiring videos and read quite a few blogs and get very inspired and buzzed about everything. 

But when it comes to actually putting things into action I am back to square one. Where is the time? Make a different diet plan for myself – where is the time to cook a separate meal. Go for a walk – in that much time I can fold all the laundry and reload the washing machine. Write a blog – but there is a ppt pending which I need to complete first. I mean the chores are never ending. There is always something out of place which requires my attention.

And the worse part is I am still not house proud. I still feel my work is far from perfect. Lots of miles still left to be covered. 

You may call it procrastination or lack of time management or will power. I don’t know. Or maybe I just need a wakeup call to get off this chores treadmill and spend some time only with myself, only on myself.

RESOLUTION DISSOLUTION

Every year I make many resolutions, 
But steadily they all come to their conclusion.

When a child, I pledged to top my class,
And after a month, ended up saying Alas!

Then I grew up promising to limit my TV time,
But, the title of couch potato was all mine!

Once I considered saying no to sibling rivalry, 
But could not take up the idea of chivalry.

I gave up chocolates at the dawn of a new year, 
Again, my determination did not adhere. 

At one time I affirmed to regularly exercise,
Although not sticking to it was no surprise!

Time flew and so did my each resolution,
Keeping them for good was only a delusion.

Finally, I told myself-
These resolutions are not for me, 
My will is not strong enough, so let it be!

And now there is just one resolution I make
Not to make anymore for heaven’s sake!

THE WAR WITHIN ME

“So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law;  but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me.”

The Bible

I always relate with this scripture portion whenever I read it. I had shared one story previously about how I thought about giving away my egg roll to a kid on the street but I delayed. I delayed thinking that I will go hungry at that moment. And I missed the opportunity to feed a hungry street kid. The sin working within us always pulls us down and doesn’t allow the spiritual part of us to stay active and dominate.

Picture credit to Google Inc.

Our spirit has an upward pull to our Creator. Our body has a downward pull towards own selves. And our mind dwindles between the world, self and God. The moment we allow prioritizing between God, the world and self we will do exactly what we feel to be right.

We all must have struggled between our inner good voice and our selfish voice. It was more like a riot that goes on within us when we decide on something. But our PULL determines whether we do, what we want and right or do just the opposite.

Friends! Always listen to your conscience or your inner voice because God created you to do good and what is right. Though your conscience needs to be trained well and pure as well or else its leading would be fatal too.

Stay Blessed!

THOSE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS

Facing judgements is the hardest thing. I am sure all of us face some or the other kind of judgements everyday. Sometimes, I take them and, then, there are instances that disturb me more than I want to be disturbed.

Recently, one of my colleague’s wife found herself alone with responsibility of two kids after her husband passed away. I know their family quite well, so, I try to help them in any way I can. Few weeks back her car broke down and she didn’t know what to do. She was frustrated. We made some arrangement for her to reach home and the car is taken care of. After she returned home, she started yelling, “Why should the car break down? This is so stupid. I feel all the problems are interested to be with me forever“. I tried to calm her down, “It’s ok. When you are the only person to handle, it would be overwhelming at times“. She quickly snapped back, “Please don’t mind me saying this. You asked for it. You wanted to live alone, so,  it was easy for you to come to terms with life. But, I didn’t“.

That was not the first time someone has judged me on the same thing. I am sure that won’t be the last time either. I sat there wondering if I unknowingly struck the wrong chord. Have I uttered something offensive? I was so lost, that I did not even talk for some time. I came home, but the thought never left me. I was hurt, spent few days crying when I couldn’t handle it anymore. I don’t know why it is so difficult for me to accept these kind of hypocritical judgements. I questioned myself thousand times as to what I was doing wrong. Should I just distance myself and not care about anyone? Should I just let people say whatever they want and not react? Should I forgive them to come to peace terms with them? The last one is extremely difficult to do.

Every time, it is a different person coming with a new perspective of what or rather how my life is and why they think it is so. Why do they care? Have I asked them for help more than I should? Am I asking for a leaning shoulder every other day? Am I bothering them with my problems? When none of these are true, why should anyone pass judgement on me? It was very very hurtful. Couple of days later, she apologized but the damage was already done. If I may say so, I lost respect towards her. Now, may be I am being judgmental, but, I would prefer to keep people where they belong. OK, I still want to help her and I would, but, won’t care for what she feels about me.

I feel I just keep going back to this viscous circle no matter how many times I don’t want to. People would say some nonsense, I take it. When they are in need I just go to help them. This cycle just repeats. In fact, I was even asked for why I care for those who don’t give a damn about me. I actually don’t know what else to do. I simply cannot ignore the fact that they are in need. But, this is the same circle that is harmful when people are mean and I don’t know what to do in that case either. Just cry and come to peace with the situation. There must be some solution to this and I don’t know what it is. What I know is, I don’t want to beat myself up for some nonsense someone has to say about the path I took when they aren’t even aware of what I have been through. Even if someone knows what it was, they don’t deserve the right to say anything mean.

“I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.” ~Gandhi

I DON’T WANT TO GIVE UP ON MY GOALS

Well, it has been a long time since I wanted to be a famous writer. Yes, I have a few 100 blogs, a published book, couple of other published stories – but I am far from where I imagined myself to be at this age. Is that bad that I couldn’t make it? No, I won’t judge myself. There have been reasons and there have been responsibilities that kept me from focusing on my goals.

When I was in my 20’s, I used to maintain a document wherein every year end I would write down what all I achieved in the last year and what are my goals for the next year. Then I would break them into monthly goals and plan on how to achieve them. I haven’t done this since last 8-10 years at least. I didn’t have the time or the energy to put in so much effort towards my personal goals. I just let life happen to me.

With the responsibilities of parents, a child, running the house, getting that promotion, meeting those impossible deadlines; I forgot to keep track of how many books I want to read, how many kgs I want to shed, how many stories I want to write, how many dance performances I want to do, how many paintings I want to make. It all takes a backseat.

Recently, I went through a serious bout of depression. It was only because one fine day I woke up and after some petty arguments with my family members, I realized that I am not myself anymore. I have become this subdued person who is ready to take any sort of nonsense from others just to keep peace at home. And when I thought about my own goals, there were none – absolutely zero. It was a huge setback to me to realize that I have come so far in life to discover that there is nothing that I have for myself.

That realization woke me up, as if I was in some dream world – and just got aware of some of the harsh realities. And now when I wanted to have my own goals and start working on them, I realized that I had no confidence at all. I couldn’t think straight and I didn’t trust my talents anymore. I cried, I blamed myself and everybody around me, I fought with myself and my husband, I got nightmares and woke up sweating on my bed, I got really anxious and had palpitations as if my life is over and it was a complete waste.

And finally my husband said, if you know that you are overthinking everything – then force yourself to take an action. After arguing with him for hours together, I did take an action; it was a simple action to just go for shopping for myself at 9 pm in Dehradun (the city sleeps before 9). That action led to something else and a chain reaction took over me. I started taking actions one after the other. That helped me build myself again.

I am not there yet. I am not as confident as I used to be. I am still not sure what my personal goals are, where do I want to land up a few years from now. But I know that even though my goals might change, I might not resonate with them now – I need to have them always. I cannot afford give up on my own goals in life – no matter what kind of responsibilities I am loaded with at work and at home.

I knew this at some level of conscience, still I ignored this aspect of life for almost a decade. And now it feels like I have to build myself up from scratch. I hope my readers find some inspiration in this article and never make this mistake in life.

REST WITH ZEST

Rest with zest,
Keep yourself calm and cool,
Take a break from your schedule
Don’t behave old school.

Work will be completed
with all its glorious parts,
Help your mind with little zest,
And think about your heart.

Just chill and take rest and
give time to take life’s test.
When heart, body and mind
balance is done,
Soul shows its ecstatic shades.

– Lopamudra Pal

REST – simple word, but very complicated. It has many meanings with prefixes and suffixes. But REST means to keep time for yourself, maintain body and mind balance. ME time fixes the problem and rejuvenates you. It is the perfect time for resting the body and testing the mind for creating new ideas. We in our daily lives don’t take out time for ourselves and then starts the blame-game. Sometimes we indulge into the problems so badly that we don’t realise what we get and what we lose. We try to satisfy each and everyone, professionally and personally. But it’s not always possible. Still we try harder and harder to get it done. We get really tired of being perfect. Perfection and being perfect is good, but not always.

We as human beings, get frustrated and take wrong steps. At times, some of us go to the verge of breaking relationships too. But we don’t realise the main problem. We don’t look at the angle, that we actually need a break and want to take rest with zest. We need to get a break from everything we do starting from what we think, we plan, we cook, we read, we write… everything. ” Just being with self”, that should be the essence of being in rest.

The heart is a very small thing, but very precious. It understands all the feelings, situations, emotions, good, bad … everything. Resting the heart means rejuvenating it with more good and positive thoughts. The longevity increases. Now, everyone is overloaded with work and the pressure is burdened with bad impact on heart and mind. It affects family members and other relations as well. Keeping yourself cool for all situations is the only solution. It can be taken by taking a break for resting. Divide the works among family members and spread equality. Work is a never ending thread. It’s a continuous process. We need to take rest for making the future bonding strong enough to handle all the odds.

“Stop overthinking.
You cannot control or change everything.
Let things go with the flow.”

An understanding heart is always a tired one. It takes out positivity from negativity. It too gets tired. It too needs rest for a while. But actually we don’t take. We should go for the break for our heart, mind, body and soul. Close your eyes, think nothing. Leave the worries behind. Keep your mind cool with low volume soothing music. Take long breathe, exhale and inhale. Feel the power of the heart and the brain syncing together. Then the nerves of your brain will run in a supersonic way.

Taking a break in any way, is to get yourself in a Restart Mode. Sit in the balcony and look around nature with a deep breath. Feel serenity and calmness within. That’s the result of rest with zest!

A STORY OF DECEMBER

The snow has put autumn to sleep
luring people to the
shop of antiques
to greet the Christmas’s bliss
bidding adieu to
autumn departing in divine abyss
as if a pleasure to remember
that comes with each December
Gathers a choir of red Robin
sitting on the dusty hemlocks
singing a mystical winter song
While the flock of Bohemian
teases the pansies and willows
spread across the snow banks
for trespassing their winsome land
A gem of a nature
for some an unwanted stranger
A muse to the lost
amidst the snow frost
A shroud for the dead,
while a scenery for the painter ahead.

Saniya Firdaus