POWER OF REASONING SHOULD BE SECONDARY

We are all taught from our childhood to think logically. We have the IQ that is measured on basis of our logical reasoning ability. Logic is needed to win the arguments; reasoning is needed to justify our logic. Kids who are good with logic and reasoning often get into the best schools and eventually earn the best salary. Lawyers who can twist the logic cleverly and reason out of every situation are often the most successful ones.

So, logic and reasoning are important for good survival on this planet. Without such ability, a person would really struggle. Just look at how autistic kids struggle in the real world because their ability to reason is really low. Even though they are so full of love and dedication for everything around them, they aren’t enough for the world.

Our education system from ages has given too much importance to logic and reasoning just because we have always focused on earning more money, getting more knowledge, have the best IQ. Our ability to reason is our intelligence. And this intelligence many times becomes our own enemy.

How does that happen?

Have you ever gone through anxiety, depression, guilt, and anger? Well, I am sure all of us have. What triggered that state of mind? Mostly, it is due to something that didn’t happen the way you wanted it to happen. Either it was your own behavior that did not match your expectation or somebody else’s close to you. Or it could also be something happening in the world that is not happening the way you want it to. Your plans, your logic, and your reasons became so important that you forgot that this world is not supposed to work as per your wishes and you suffered terribly because your own intelligence turned against you.

The various civil wars, communal riots, world wars have happened because a few people in the world couldn’t control their anger and wanted this world to behave exactly the way they wanted. Why? Because for them their reason and logic were above all. Just look at the current Ukraine war, it wrenches my heart to see how people are dying and losing their homes but some powerful people in the world have put their reason so high that basic empathy cannot touch their hearts anymore.

A few months back, I did something similar. One fine day, I realized that nothing in my life is going as per my plans and wishes. In my head, the reason behind the havoc in my life was my husband. This reason and my anger became so strong that I started to have anxiety attacks and even worse I started dumping my anxiety on my husband. Every single day was a struggle because we would never stop fighting. I went into a deep depression and came out realizing that my logic and reasoning for blaming him was so very flawed. The same reasoning had blinded me in so many ways.

Logic and reasoning are important to earn money, respect, and have a decent life on this planet. But reasoning should never over-power our ability to empathize and love each other. Logic and reasoning should always be secondary, what should rule the world is empathy and love. If the world starts transforming in this direction, we would have no wars and conflicts in the world.

It baffles me how our logic can be so flawed and how our reason can overpower to support that logic to an extent that we can think of killing people based on community, caste, religion, or gender. This is what some powerful leaders of the world are doing now, they have flawed logic but such a powerful reason to support that logic. And they are backed by military power and millions of dollars.

I wish to transform the world in a way that new leaders lead by the power of love and empathy instead of the power of logic and reason. But alas, that’s just my wish, not something that will ever materialize.

THE BEAUTY IN BROKENNESS

Recently, while cleaning my favorite coffee mug it slipped from my hand and broke. I felt bad for a while and thought it is of no use now. But after a while, the Japanese idea of mending broken objects came to my mind. Well, I don’t have gold, so I used Feviquick Gum and fixed my coffee mug. Now I can’t use it anymore for the same purpose but that doesn’t mean it is of no use now! I promoted its place to my study table from my kitchen and of course, I will be using it for a special purpose.  

I have cracks and patches YET, I’m Alive
I have pain and problems YET, I’m Alive
I have worries and anxieties YET, I’m Alive
I am ditched and rejected YET, I’m Alive
Now I learned, “This is what is life!”

Somewhat in an emotional state during the initial years of my passion for writing, I penned these words. Every time I re-read these lines today, it seems quite apparent to me.

We all are broken from inside in different ways and at different intensities BUT you know, “it’s okay to be broken!” In fact, unless something is broken it can’t be built again. Rising up from brokenness multiplies our strengths and understanding. As a good teacher brokenness teaches us volumes and redefines the meaning of our existence.

As an immature adult, some of the wrong decisions I made had deeply hurt my parents, and my dad refrain from interacting with me. Those three and half years were too painful and burdensome. In advance, if God would have given me an option to erase something from life, I would have erased those years.

“Does that mean those were so bad days nothing beautiful that I can’t bask in?
Or, Is there nothing worth enough for me to take away?”

Obviously not! Brokenness gives us a story. But the story begins only with pain and its top checklist is, “our hope & desire to stay alive.”

God in His supremacy never intended man to become the puppets in His hand. Rather he has crowned him with knowledge, wisdom, and freedom of will so that “man can become the better version of himself”. Yet, in the supremacy of our freedom of will, we take some wrong decisions which create cracks and later part brokenness within us. Our guilt reminds us, “you are of no worth!”

But Jesus said,

“My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life”.

There is always beauty in brokenness. It is often way beyond our understanding but that is how God designs us. An anonymous poet has expressed it this way,

When God wants to drill a man,
And thrill a man,
And skill a man
When God wants to mold a man
To play the noblest part;

When He yearns with all His heart
To create so great and bold a man
That all the world shall be amazed,
Watch His methods, watch His ways!

How He ruthlessly perfects
Whom He royally elects!
How He hammers him and hurts him,
And with mighty blows converts him

Into trial shapes of clay which
Only God understands;
While his tortured heart is crying
And he lifts beseeching hands!

How He bends but never breaks
When his good He undertakes;
How He uses whom He chooses,
And which every purpose fuses him;
By every act induces him

To try His splendor out-
God knows what He’s about.

B.B.B

“Broken ‘but’ Beautiful”

Clearly, something’s not right-looking at the 3 above words. I tend to look at a word or a phrase practically from the point of the language first, after which on dissecting it further, will I probably look at it from a different angle, and even after looking at it from both the aspects – it doesn’t feel quite right

I personally think the above phrase or the concept of ‘broken but beautiful’ is absolutely flawed, simply because if we look at nature as a whole – broken things don’t really make beautiful viewing (talking about objects here) and to apply the same principle to people is simply preposterous.

Help me understand better here: aren’t we taught in school, that a particular energy floating around gets attracted to similar energy floating elsewhere?; applying the same principle to people – a broken person will only be attracted to another person who is probably going through the same feeling, so how does then broken+broken=beautiful?

Yeah right! When it comes to emotions, we really can’t talk of calculations.. but if you look at it logically, you will see my point. I look at life from a very realistic point of view, so what I see, is what it is, and what it is, is the way life rolls out.

Am I reading too much into it, or am I just a realist to understand the ground reality other than just accepting blindly what I read, watch, or hear?

There’s an Indian web series by the same name ‘Broken But Beautiful’, and while it makes perfect viewing for the ‘average emotional Indian’, I, on the other hand, enjoyed it for its pure entertainment value and background music.

It is said that, how a person turns out to be, is a combination of the people, relationships, and situations he finds himself around.

People aren’t born broken, it is simply a combination of meeting the wrong people, going through wrong relationships, and hanging around in the wrong places. Ever wondered where your wheels are driving you to? or your feet walking you to? Maybe a little awareness of what we’re doing and how much we’re giving ourselves into temptations, gossip, and wrong company, would go a long way, in us leading a much more content life instead of swinging the other way.

I believe if we can sort these 3 things, we can clearly drop the ‘broken’ and simply keep it ALL beautiful

WHEN OUR PATHS CROSSED

After eight years of marriage, Saanvi visited Delhi which once was her turf. She grew up there. That city for her is a bundle of memories – good, bad, enjoyable, precious, sad, unbearable – quite a complex concoction that she treasured. After her marriage, she moved away from the city so does her family.

Now after eight years an unusual business brought her back to the city. As she landed in the city, she was caught by the whip of air of the city, “how much I missed you” she sighed and headed for the hotel. As the taxi traversed through the lanes of the city, her thoughts wandered along with the wheels. Her eyes feasted on the street food, her senses were bamboozled by the color and fervor of the city, the ears were enjoying the concert of the noise of all-around. With all the sensory overloads she reached her hotel. That day passed in resting.

The next day after she was done with the day’s business she decided to indulge herself in some exquisite Delhi shopping. As she was loitering in the lanes of famous local markets, she felt as if someone called her name. She turned around but couldn’t find a familiar face in the hustle and bustle of the market. She strode forward and within a few seconds she heard her name once again “Hey Saanvi!” She turned again to confirm if it was real or if she was hallucinating something. But to her surprise (rather a shock) she wasn’t. It was Amit, her Ex.

“Hi Amit, how are you? Long time” Saanvi greeted cordially but the awkwardness was written all over her face. She never imagined she would have to face him again in her life. In heart of her heart, she always prayed that she doesn’t have to encounter him. “Yes, Saanvi, it has been 8 years. Where were you? It seemed you completely disappeared after your marriage. What happened, did you decide to sever the ties completely with your old friends? Itne bure nahi hain hum (we aren’t that bad)” and he laughed heartily. They decided to sit in a nearby restaurant to catch up.

Saanvi was still wasn’t at ease. Amit realized that and without beating around the bush he confronted her “what’s the matter? You don’t seem to be alright. I see you are upset with this unexpected meeting as if you never wanted this to happen. Am I right?” Amit paused a bit to give Saanvi a chance to explain herself.

“You are right as usual, I never wanted to see you again. The reason being I am burdened by the huge baggage of guilt that I have been carrying throughout these years. Do you remember that day when you proposed to me? I was happy but my happiness was short-lived. When I reached home the biggest shock of my life was awaiting me, a marriage proposal. My father’s health, his reputation, and everything else were at stake. I tried to open up my heart to him but couldn’t. I had to accept my fate. You were upset when I broke this news to you. We cried together and that was the last time when I saw you. I carried on with my duties and responsibilities as a daughter, a wife, a daughter-in-law, a mother but the guilt never left my heart. The guilt of not giving our relationship a chance, the guilt of leaving you in misery made me weak to pray that I never have to face you. My life is comfortable but there are moments when the thought that it could have been different with you often crosses my mind. And there isn’t a single day when I never apologized to you in my heart. Would you ever be able to forgive me and let me put off this guilt?” She paused.

Amit patiently heard this and at the end, he smiled “so you needed the courage to face me? Are you serious? See, there are many things in life that we direly need and want and our relationship is one among them. I never dreamt of anything or anyone else so dearly in my life other than you. It’s true but just the way you compromised with your fate so did I. I loved you so there was no place for any anger to foster there. Of course, it took years to take a forward leap but I did. And anyways I am not a saint, I too got married and this is my world now“. With a hint of wit in his tone, he showed his family photograph to Saanvi. His gesture calmed her down, her smile was more natural now. She sensed relief.

The serious conversation finally got diverted to a lighter tone as old friends would have. The cheque was paid and before leaving Amit reminded on thing to Saanvi “Our relationship might be broken but not finished, not every relationship needs a name or gets a closure. It might be broken but it is beautiful, isn’t it?”

***Note: Based on a true story

BROKEN BUT BEAUTIFUL

I was hurt, as he turned out to be a flirt,
I was in pain, as his behaviour was insane.
All my requests and petitions to him
Were nothing but all in vain.

I was in utter loneliness,
But he didn’t care to see my brokenness.
I was crying, but no-one heard me
Or could understand my the sign.
I was dumped, but he never cared,
I touched the rock bottom, the seabed.

I decided to finish my life,
To break free from all my strife.
‘Why to live when there’s nothing left?’
I thought as I planned my own fate.

But then, my inner human arose
From the depth of my soul,
It showed me the beauty of a Diamond
That lays deep down in the ugly mines of coal.

The blessings of that very moment,
Always stood firm beside me till my present.
After the passing of a devasting storm,
I, the sapling survived and life took a new turn.

BEYOND THE DEFENSE AND BLAME GAME

I am quite afraid of the “we need to talk” kind of situations in my personal life and at work, I am worried to see a meeting invite from the manager with just the subject mentioned as “Connect” and no agenda mentioned. Both represent not-so-happy communication, rather, it’s self-explanatory that it’s gonna be a difficult conversation. As one grows, one witnesses such conversations and there is no escape route.

Listening to negative things about yourself is not easy. Let me put it in better words. Listening to the areas of improvement in your work or behaviour is not easy and the first reaction is the defense. Most of us try to defend ourselves even before truly evaluating what we did. This does no good and then makes the conversation even more complicated. Next comes the blame game. It’s kind of easy to push the blame. Isn’t it? But does that make you clean? Think about it.

Over the years, I have been in such situations many times, and the journey from being a naive individual or professional to a mature and experienced one has given me a lot of learnings. And now, I have learned to look beyond the defense and the blame game. What do I exactly do?

While discussing the negative feedback the first and foremost thing that I do is accept the mistake. It’s hard but it’s the best to do! Then I talk about why it happened and what can I do to improve it. Trust me, this makes the conversation easier and short. Post this discussion, I reflect upon myself and disintegrate the feedback. I pick up what is useful and let go of what is not. Remember that not ALL that you get to hear is right or useful. Make your choice. Negative feedback or areas of improvement are not always a bad discussion if you learn to decide which part to keep and which part to let go of. Thus, you can actually turn these difficult conversations into something good.

But what if there is no mistake done by you and yet you get a mouthful from your boss, spouse, or parents? It happens, right? And what’s the immediate reaction of most of us? Yell back? Or revert in an aggressive way? Does it help? Definitely not! What do I do then?

Again, this didn’t come to me naturally but I have learnt it on my way to growing up! I stay calm! Sometimes so calm that it calms down the other person. We all know that one word leads to another and in no time an argument can flare-up. So, staying calm really works in these situations. The next thing that I do is the person what makes him believe that needless to say, in a very controlled tone. Once you know the source, it’s easy to clear the air. In most such situations, the misunderstanding is cleared but not all situations and people are the same. So, after considerable effort, if I feel that the other person DOESN’T want to understand, I end the discussion by saying “LET’S AGREE TO DISAGREE”.

Now, what I do after that is even more important. I shed off all the inhibitions about how good or bad I am in the eyes of that person. Again, this didn’t come naturally to me but I have learned this over the years. Someone has truly said that don’t let the negative feedback DEFINE YOU. You are much more!

So, take it with a pinch of salt and move ahead. Negative feedback can actually help you only if you learn how to deal with it. How do you cope with negative feedback and difficult conversations? Do you reflect upon them? Does it drive you to do better or do you break down? Do share your experience and tips and tricks!

OF SENSE AND SENSIBILITY

“I wish I was a deaf and dumb person! If I was deaf, I wouldn’t have to listen to all the derogatory things said to me. And if I was dumb, I wouldn’t talk stuff that irritate others. Better still, I think I should die. That would be the end of all my problems.”

An excerpt from a 10-year old’s chat which I received last week after she received a mouthful from well-meaning, but frustrated parents.

As adults, many of us have learned in the course of time to give a deaf ear to the harsh words of others or to mend our ways after getting a dose of constructive criticism which might not necessarily be music to the ears. But, is it the same for children?

There were times when spanking wasn’t really frowned upon. Rather, it was considered to be one of the corrective measures needed to discipline children. There were times when severe scoldings from parents, teachers, and elders made children rethink their actions and mend their ways. At least it was true for a majority of the population, with only a few scattered here and there who took the rebel route.

But, times are different now. We have highly observant children now who don’t hesitate to talk back. Call it genetic evolution or the influence of media or civilizational progress, children today are sharper, argumentative, rebellious, curious, independent, and thoughtful than those of the previous generations. They are not as compliant and submissive as most parents would want their darlings to be. To top it all, they are so very touchy!

There are numerous pieces in newspapers of late, of suicides by children who were either reprimanded for a wrong or refused access to gadgets – all which parents thought are measures of disciplining their children. But, the consequences proved to be disastrous thereby imparting strong messages to society and numerous amendments in Child Laws at the cost of precious lives.

So, what do we do? Give in to the whims and fancies of our children? Stop disciplining them? Use only sugar-coated words and ignore their wrongs? Keep worrying about their feelings and emotions all the time without caring for their holistic development? If our children are always kept in an aura of positivity, how will they learn to take negative feedback in their stride?

These and such other questions are bombarded by worried parents. Well, the approach to negative feedback is different for children and for adults. I will not dwell on those in this write-up. While adults are not expected to be childish in their response to negative feedback, children must also not be expected to behave in overly mature ways in response to criticism.

‘Sensitivity’ and ‘sensibility’ are the two words I want to leave behind for all to ponder upon. Criticisms, negative feedback, reprimands – all are parts and parcels of life. The way they are accepted depends most of the time on the way they are delivered and the outcomes they generate.