IN SEARCH OF MYSELF

On the 365th day of the year looking back I wonder what major achievement did I have this year.. can’t think of anything spectacular…  I survived that’s my achievement. I could manage to somehow stumble through this maze of the physical, mental,  financial, emotional onslaught of Covid.

But looking back I noticed one thing. I have somehow lost my essence in this whole struggle. It is as if I have put myself on hold somewhere, in the wait for things to normalize once again.

I have come to realize this is not how it works. We can’t stop living our life fully in wait for circumstances to improve. Things have changed and will keep changing. Times will be good and bad. But we need to keep on living not just surviving.  Keep on making memories. This time once gone is not going to come back ..

In 2022 I hope to find myself again. I need to drop this cloak of being a ‘bechari‘ (poor me) a victim of circumstances. I am going to find myself again. Take me out of this endless round of chores at home and work and gain some new experiences.

I am leaving behind the feeling of helplessness and melancholy in 2021. Looking forward to writing more, learning new skills, experiencing life more not just in front of the screen.

I know it’s too ambitious but kuch to ho hi jayega (Something should happen). At least the intentions are there, the search begins.

BE READY… IT’S GONNA CHANGE

The world keeps changing in fact they say Change is the only thing that is constant.

Knowing that fully well I still resent change.  

I still pick up the baby or kindergarten photos of my kids and exclaim… They were so cute as babies. Why did they grow up? Did I really enjoy their childhood or was I just busy with the mom chores and waiting for them to grow up and be independent?

When my parents-in-law come to stay with me I am a bit rattled for a few days. I resent the change in my routine. Mind you I share a very cordial relationship with them. But just that it takes me a few days to get adjusted to them staying with us. And vice versa when they leave. Again takes me a couple of days to get my mojo back. Do I call it inertia?

I was too angry and distraught when my husband changed his status from being a salaried person to being a businessman. I couldn’t come to terms with the many ways my life got affected. So much changed. Again it’s not that I was blissful in his salaried status we had our share of problems and it was a well-thought-out decision but still, I resent the change.

I have been looking back at the past with nostalgia-tinted lenses and remember only the good part. Not the part where I was longing for a change in my life because I felt trapped in a rut.

Ha Ha I know it’s a classic case of damned if I do damned if I don’t.

So my life lesson for today is, enjoy your present and live it to the fullest. And don’t resist change. Because change will happen whether we like it or not whether we are ready for it or not. I am ready to embrace the change and hopefully, I am better equipped for the lemons life is going to throw at me.

WHAT’S IN AN APP?

Have you ever looked at something which was not always with you and thought “How did I ever manage to live without this?” Well, I look at my mobile phone and have this thought many times… Ok, I know what you are thinking. I am not that old… The mobile phone has been around for quite some time… But the apps inside them… they are even younger…

Can you count the number of times you open WhatsApp? I can’t imagine making a plan without making a WhatsApp group, where everyone will decide and then undecide and then re-decide a simple plan of meeting for lunch with friends. Makes me wonder how did I manage earlier? How did I complete my missed classwork as a kid without someone posting on the class group what was taught today…

How did families manage to keep in touch with their uncles and aunts and cousins and nieces and nephews without wishing all of them Good Morning every day on WhatsApp?

So if I go with the most used App on my phone WhatsApp emerges number one and is closely followed by Facebook and Instagram…

If I am sitting or standing idle even for a minute with my phone within hand reach by default my fingers will pick up the phone and pay homage to WhatsApp, Facebook, and Insta in quick succession. Guys don’t judge I just don’t wanna miss out on any latest happenings.

Another guilty pleasure I have discovered on my phone recently is Amazon Prime App… I have binge-watched all my favorite shows of the early 2000s and 2010s… Grey’s Anatomy, House, The Good Doctor, Mentalist, Sherlock Holmes, NCIS etc., I binge-watched all these and more on the Prime app. No waiting for the next day for the next episode, no waiting for 6 months for the next season… I can consume as much as I want. This is my small window into another world. I am loving it. I get transported into their world. I watch and wonder do doctors really talk so much about their personal life while doing an operation? How are the houses of these murder victims so clean and well kept… if the police enter my apartment in an emergency will they judge my housekeeping skills?

Okay don’t laugh don’t such thoughts occur to you too at times…

Check out your phone and see which is your most used app and do share in comments…

CARE ENOUGH TO SEND THE VERY BEST

Sending and receiving cards is a dying tradition these days. But it still gives me the joy to find an old card buried in my treasures. They evoke such beautiful memories. During my school and college days, I have spent hours standing in the Hallmark or Archies gallery looking for the perfect wordings and cards for my friends and families. And believe it or not, I used to always find one such perfect card which suited the receiver’s personality, and also the wording felt like they came straight from my heart. And was also budget-friendly considering our cash-strapped student days.

Finding the perfect card was not enough then we decorated it with our comments and quotations using colorful sketch pens and stickers. Still more sketch pen work on the envelope and then the card was ready to be sent.

This whole rigmarole around sending a card really jived with the tag line of Hallmark cards – “When you care enough to send the very best.”

That hold true today also. Even though we don’t send many greeting cards in today’s times but we do give gifts to our loved ones. Giving the very best doesn’t necessarily mean the latest version or the expensive one. Giving the best means putting thought and effort into buying something that really touches the heart of the receiver, something they really needed or something that excites them or gels with their personality.

Going back in time an 18-year-old lad Joyce Hall started selling postcards from two shoe boxes. More than 100 years and billions of well-wishes later, Hallmark Cards, Inc. continues to thrive with the grandsons of that Nebraska teenager at the helm.

A time came when fire destroyed his entire inventory. But he still trudged ahead moved from post cards to greeting cards, then wrapping paper, Crayola, dayspring and so on.

While going through the history of the company I was very impressed by this thought 

 “Joyce Hall was intrigued by the word “hallmark” used by goldsmiths as a mark of quality. Mr. Hall liked that it not only said quality, but also included his family name. “

Yes mark of quality and full of love and care that is the definition of a hallmark Greeting Card for you..

Link for Hallmark Cards history: 

History

WHERE IS THE TIME?

There are many things I know I need to be doing and don’t get around to actually doing it. Please don’t ask why? Because I will say ‘Where is the time?” 

In my quest to become a perfect homemaker, mother, employee I really feel time is running me by and I have no time to invest in myself. I have read dozens of self help books, seen multiple inspiring videos and read quite a few blogs and get very inspired and buzzed about everything. 

But when it comes to actually putting things into action I am back to square one. Where is the time? Make a different diet plan for myself – where is the time to cook a separate meal. Go for a walk – in that much time I can fold all the laundry and reload the washing machine. Write a blog – but there is a ppt pending which I need to complete first. I mean the chores are never ending. There is always something out of place which requires my attention.

And the worse part is I am still not house proud. I still feel my work is far from perfect. Lots of miles still left to be covered. 

You may call it procrastination or lack of time management or will power. I don’t know. Or maybe I just need a wakeup call to get off this chores treadmill and spend some time only with myself, only on myself.

REST LIKE YOU MEAN IT

“Sometimes the best solution is to REST, RELAX and RECHARGE. It’s hard to be your best on empty.”

But with the new normal the office has entered into our homes. It has systematically eaten into our relaxation time. Office never ends. Calls and emails keep on going from evening to late into the night trying to accommodate all the different time zones in the world. The company says – anyways you have nowhere else to go to so might as well utilize the time. 

There is a kind of buzzing in the house all the time – enter one room and you realize it’s a classroom for the time being. Enter the second room and you have accidentally entered a meeting room with your hubby’s eyes transmitting a huge ‘DO NOT DISTURB’ Board. 

My mixer grinder, cooker and even TV are not allowed to create their usual racket. So what do I do? I blot out the buzz sit on the sofa plug in my earphones and login to my favorite OTT channel.

This was my relaxation. My little world inside this bigger world. I was really enjoying it. I get transported to another world, comfortably lounging on my sofa and the headphones whispering into my ear and time just flies..

Yes it flies and how.. Gone are the good old days of weekly soaps or even daily soaps. Now is the time for series. I am sure no one has dutifully stopped after one episode. One episode leads to the second and then the third and so on.. minutes turn into hours.. 

I have watched entire seasons in matter of days. Just completed the series ‘Sherlock’ which has 7 seasons. 

But seriously I have come to realize that is not rest and surely not relaxation. My body is lying for hours in an awkward angle trying to balance my phone or remote. Binge watching and binge eating go hand in hand. And then most importantly my eyes are not getting any rest. Work also means I am staring at the screen for long hours and fun also means the same. Brain is also buzzing with the non-stop watching. There is a sense of satisfaction that I completed so and so series in such less time but then again it’s a race to complete it not relaxation.

I am trying to kick this habit. Or at least reduce the binging time. 

Do share what is the kind of relaxation you are into. And does it really give rest to your body?

THINGS DID WORK OUT

Trusting my own decisions has never come easily to me. I always rethink my decisions weighing all the pros and cons over and over again. Even while making a small decision of buying a dress, I feel more comfortable after taking a second opinion from a friend. I jokingly say that it is the aftereffect of being completely surrounded by Librans and their balance (My closest family members are mostly Librans and I am sure they will not forgive me for this statement 😉).

I guess living a very sheltered life and always having some one at hand to bounce my ideas off has made me dependent. 

Anyways so for a person like me to think of an incident where I completely trusted my own decision, I had to do a lot of deep diving.

When my kids were pretty small, the elder one was in Nursery and the younger was hardly a toddler. My life was all chalked up. My in-laws were staying with me. There was a full-time maid to help out with the kids. Me and my husband both had a good job.  I was actually working with a government organisation having a pensionable job.

Out of the blue moon things changed on every front. There were some family obligations because of which my mom-in-law had to shift to her elder son’s house. My husband got a great opportunity to work in Pune. He shifted base to Pune and suddenly the responsibility of handling my job and two small kids felt very huge.

We tried to manage for 6 months but then I realised that at this stage I didn’t want a long-distance marriage. He was tired  of travelling to and fro every weekend and kids were becoming very cranky and difficult to handle.

After a lot of deliberations, I decided to take a 1-year leave and move to Pune to see how things work out. To cut the long story short things did work out there and I left the government job.

People called me foolish to have taken such a decision… Others said this was a wise decision. The jury is still out on that.

But looking back all I think is things did work out for good in the end.