WRONG DECISIONS OR WRONG PERCEPTION?

Today, I am going to share a story with all of you. It is story of one of my friend. I have known her from our Pre-University days. We stayed in a hostel to pursue our pre-university course. It was an all girls college, so we were at our luxury to do whatever we want but not breaking the rules of the college. Though most of us missed home, as days passed by we realised our parents are not going to succumb to our demands to move out of hostel. We enjoyed our two years of stay there and the bond we have made is as strong as the one’s we have with our own family.

Let’s call my friend Nidhi. Nidhi is very very pretty and a soft spoken girl. She has light brown colored eyes, almost of honey shade which added to her beautiful smile made her look gorgeous. There was a tinge of childishness in her. Her overall personality made us wonder how she would survive in this world. She graduated, got a job right after leaving college and was happy in her own world. Her parents arranged her marriage with a boy who is from their circle of friends. Her marriage invitation was not the only one that was grand, her wedding was a grandeur too. She looked very happy during the marriage. 

Marriages do not change friendship but they surely change the way we interact. Hour long calls prior to marriage become few minutes of interactions. The distance may not increase but there is some gap in communication with friends. Two years after her marriage, I accidentally met her on my commute one day. She looked pale with scars over her face. On asking, she said she met with a small accident a month ago. Casually I mentioned this conversation with another of my friend, who shared the truth with me. Seems Nidhi’s husband has been torturing her physically for sometime and also was the cause of her scars. Nidhi was admitted to hospital after surviving head injury from a bike accident. It was a deliberate act of her husband to hurt her. I wonder if he wanted to kill her.

I phoned her on an office working day so that I can talk to her. Her long list of problems in her marriage were way too much for one person to handle. Her husband used to beat her, also burn her on the skin using cigarette butts. Apart from the physical abuse, he also was insecure that she was having an affair. I did not even know how to react to her, but I encouraged her to file a compliant against him and that would be the first step to making her life better. She separated from her husband and is now fighting a case in the Honorable court of Law. 

So, what’s so bad about separating from her husband knowing he isn’t worth giving a chance? If you ask me, then my answer would be, no problem at all. But society does not see it in this way. In typical Indian households, woman who leave their husbands are considered bad women and have low tolerance levels. Many fellow women often say, “Every house hold has this problem. My husband isn’t a loving man either, did I not live with him? “. I fail to understand why they compare. Every one’s life is unique and so are their problems. If this is what society was discriminating her against, her parents felt they should be in sync with the society. 

Nidhi’s parents expressed their disinterest to support her in her marital matters. They were more worried about the repercussions of Nidhi’s seperation on Nidhi’s brother who is all set for marriage.  Her brother went to an extent to throw Nidhi out of the house declining her shelter. She moved to a paying guest accommodation and had to fight her depression all alone. Her parents stopped talking with her. What kind of a family does that? Many of her friends bothered the least to be with her. Some even said Nidhi made wrong decisions and is now suffering because of them. I wish I was in the same city as her which would have made it easier for me to support her. If parents, siblings, friends, relatives and society – everyone turn their backs, how is a person supposed to survive alone? Why is it so difficult for us to understand? Why don’t we let others live their lives? Poking our nose into other’s lives is a biggest problem in places where society domination is high.  Wrong decisions? How do we know if her decision was right or wrong? Ok, even if the decision was wrong, does that give us power to leave her to her fate? Why cannot we extend our gratitude? 

Nidhi is not alone. There are several groups for single women, single mothers, separated women, divorcees etc. Many of those women didn’t find support in their own families. I feel sorry for Nidhi and many others girls and women like her. Without an iota of doubt I am very well aware I cannot help everyone of them, though I wish I could. It saddens me when I talk with her. 

So, what’s going on with Nidhi now? Nidhi’s parents met with an accident, her mom passed away, her father is left bed ridden with spine injury. Nidhi is taking care of her father now as her brother has settled abroad. Some people are just too good at heart and unfortunately those people suffer the most. May be that’s just because they do not know how to deal with others they same way they dealt with them.

This week we are writing about feeling sorry for those who we cannot help. Do you have anyone in your life who you want to desperately help but cannot? Do you feel sorry for them?

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THANK GOD!! MY LEGS ARE STILL INTACT 😜

I am a fearless person when it comes to adventure. My father used to warn me many times when I had to go for sports tournaments or bicycling tournaments with the same sentence every time, “Do not attempt any feats.. please“.. Such was my interest in doing different stunts.. Jumping from the top of water tanks (12 – 15 feet), running down slopes that are made of rocks, stand on the window shade of the top floor of our school building, walk on the roadside parapet wall overlooking a steep valley, I can go on with a big list.

Several times I got wounded. Most of my summer holidays were spent in hospital or at the least making rounds to the hospital for dressing of the wounds. There was one incident, that has changed the way I thought. Many of you in India may have used or seen a teak cot. The double cot in our home is made of teak, a type of wood considered very strong and durable. One day, me and my sister were playing a game which required us to jump from over the head board of the bed. I am pretty sure I would have invented that game only because I wanted to jump :p In the process of jumping, or should I say playing (LOL), my leg hit the head board, right in between of the knee and ankle. It was a very small bruise. There was not much of pain either.

4 or 5 days after this incident, I started to experience pain, followed by swelling. I kept this to myself for a couple more days thinking it would subside on it’s own. Well, no, it came to a stage that I could not put on my school shoes. My father noticed this and as usual performed his duty of taking me to the hospital. The doctor said the wound is infected and covered it with some medicine and bandage. She said we should come back the next day for dressing and she would attempt to remove the puss. The next day when she opened the dressing, there was a fist sized perforation which was red. She started with the puss removal process. It was quite painful and lasted for more than an hour. She dressed my wound again and asked me to come back after 3 days for dressing.

This puss removal and dressing cycle continued for 3 more rounds but the doctor could not understand why the puss formation wasn’t reducing even after the medication. We got an X-ray done and there it was, a tiny piece of wood in my muscle. She cut open the wound and removed the piece of wood. Are you wondering what changed me? The simple ritual of using the restroom at home took as long as 20 minutes, to get off the bed, drag myself on the floor because I couldn’t walk because of the pain, then a struggle to hold whatever I can so that I can get up and do what’s needed and get back to the bed. My parents are very caring, but come on.. I cannot ask them to help me use the restroom because I wanted to try a crazy act of jumping off the bed. I felt ashamed as that situation of mine, it aroused because of my ‘adventures’.. All of this is mischief as a child but a lesson learnt to be very careful while having fun.

So, should I stop trying anything new? I keep doing adventures even now, I tried sky diving when I was injured. Somehow adventure brings life into me. Usually when I am going to attempt an adventure, there are two kinds of feelings in me. The first one, of course the excitement and the second one, the fear.. What if, this adventure leaves me disabled physically or even mentally? It is extremely difficult to find someone who can care without criticizing me or I might end up spending my entire life cursing myself for attempting it. Weird feeling I must agree. All of our body parts are very important, but mobility gives us freedom. I lived without using my hands, my eyes, my mouth, my legs etc (substantial injuries you know :D), out of all these lacking mobility was difficult to manage. When we can balance our body on our legs and move forward everything seems a little simpler or so I feel..

I use my legs a lot. I usually stand in all my meetings at office unless the organiser wants me to sit. One of my colleagues used to joke that some day I might get varicose veins.. Of late, I have become very lazy and uninterested in exercising making by body unfit especially my legs. I realised it after practising Bhangra (a Punjabi dance form) for couple of days. I could hardly move my legs for four days post the practice sessions. This motivated me to start going to gym again. You notice the fear? I told the trainer I would come back when I get fit enough to attempt tough Bhangra steps 🙂

Mobility is an important part of our day to day life. If we imagine our life without legs or even decreased mobility as per norm, we would notice that it takes two to three times the time to move from one place to another. Compared to a normal person, an amputee or a physically disabled person would have to invest time to plan their commute, considering the places they have to be and also the extra time that would be needed. A sore knee can set us back by a good amount of time. Please take good care of your legs. My mom says, several glands and organs of our body are connected to our legs. If we maintain healthy legs, then automatically our body would be healthy.

IT IS MY IDENTITY. CANNOT LET IT GO.

I love shopping for groceries. I usually go to places where there is a display of wide variety of vegetables, fruits and other staples. There is some satisfaction in walking aisle by aisle through various sections drooling over what is offered. Usually I make up my mind on what I want to cook for the upcoming week, so, when I am walking I am recollecting the recipe and required ingredients to buy apart from what’s there at home. I have observed one thing that distracts me from this process many times, which is kids talking to their parents. Usually they pick-up a chocolate or fruit and keep asking their parents to buy it. What grabs my attention is that most kids do this only in English. Most of the parents respond in English too. 

India is a non-English speaking country. There are many languages Indians speak at homes (or so I thought). The trend now has changed. Most parents want their kids to learn English at a very early age. I can understand the need because they have to leave kids at day-care centres. Especially in metro cities, people from many states come for jobs. So, it is difficult to manage if the kid cannot speak English. While this is true, I clearly do not understand why kids are not encouraged to talk in their mother tongue. 

Kids of many of my colleagues cannot speak, read and write in their mother tongue. I don’t know why speaking in English makes us feel ‘elite’. When adults look down upon their own language, they won’t consider the language worthy enough for their kids to learn. This is the situation with people who are migrating to new places inside India. People living outside India have a different story. Some of my friends did not even manage to make their kids speak in Telugu. The reason they give is that, “the child does not have an environment to speak in our language. Who can they speak in that language with? only us, so, it is very difficult to teach“. As a result of this most grandparents cannot even feel the satisfaction of talking to their grandchildren because they don’t understand a bit of the conversation, in some cases there is no conversation only gestures. It is making children deprived of rightful love and care they deserve. 

Couple of years ago, mother of one of my friend’s neighbour expired while she was at her daughter’s place. Let me tell you what happened. The daughter and her husband moved to Melbourne. This lady, who expired travelled to Melbourne to help her daughter during her second pregnancy. They went out for medical checkup leaving their first child and the grandmother at home. By the time they returned home, the grandmother was on the kitchen floor, dead. The parents asked the kid about what had happened, for which he replied, “She was saying something when she fell on the floor and he did not understand what it was”. Apparently she was asking for water in their language, and the boy did not understand that one word, which might have saved her life. 

Mother tongue is a language in which we can express well. Learning mother tongue also has a positive impact on our brain. It also improves our ability to learn and improves cognitive thinking. Until the age of 6, children learn languages very quick.  As parents we should encourage our next generation to learn our mother tongue. Mother tongue is an identity, also a very important link to our cultural roots. There are simple ways in which one can make kids learn mother tongue. Always conversate with them in your own language at home and even when you are at public places. Remember bed time stories?? Without buying those English story books, teach kids about our culture through bed time stories in our own language. If kids talk in English (which they do because of what they learn at school), make sure you only respond in your native language. This would automatically make kids pickup the language. Do not worry about their English speaking skills, eventually they would pick up the language from school. 

That’s for kids, what about adults? Now-a-days many of us read books only in English. Isn’t this true? Once in a while read books from your own language. Read some news in your local language. Write in your language. When was the last time you did this? You may start with grocery list :-). 

I am not against learning or talking in English in any way. May be, few years from now, there may be a world with only one language, “English”… It saddens me that one day next generations won’t be speaking my language. It hurts to see languages die. Many languages are becoming extinct because we don’t use them any more. My mother tongue is my identity and I would love to talk in that language with pride anywhere, except for professional reasons. Let’s preserve our languages !!

No man fully capable of his own language ever masters another

– George Bernard Shaw

 

USE FREEDOM IN THE BEST POSSIBLE WAY

One day I was deeply drowned at work when my cellphone rang flashing her name… I paused for a second, answered the phone. Before I could even utter a word she said, “Aastha, listen, just listen.. If I need shelter for a couple of months along with my daughter at your place, would you be fine with that? My sister is getting married this May and I want to leave my husband after that. I am done handling this marriage. I want to get out of it”, “That’s not a problem, but are you ok? Where are you now?” I was worried about her. She said she is doing fine, disconnected the call saying she would call later.

Her name is Ujwala. I met her on a group trip to Goa. We were standing besides the bus waiting for a lady to join us. She is a married woman with a small kid (2 years then), travelling solo.. It makes me happy when I see women, especially married and who have kids travel. It can be relaxing and liberating at the same time. A white color Swift stopped besides us. Ujwala got out of the car holding her little girl. A few mins later, we heard loud shouting followed by Ujwala throwing her phone on the road, crashing it into pieces. Her husband took the baby from her, brought her to us, bid her good bye and he left. I sat beside her in the bus, the whole night she was very silent. She wasn’t crying either. I did not make any attempt to talk with her except for exchange of names. The next morning, we were on our way out to the beaches nearby, when she slowly made her first attempt to talk.. , “I think you saw what happened last night. I am sorry, it was embarrassing for me too. That’s my husband. He can be very irritating at times so much that I cannot take it“. I told her that’s fine and not to worry about that getting noticed.

It was a three day trip to Goa. Ujwala enjoyed her time during the trip though she was moody at times. She drank, smoked weed for the first time. (I neither drink or smoke, so I get to enjoy all the scenes that happen after one is drunk :p) Ujwala had a hint of childishness in her which everyone of us noticed. It is hard to guess she is a mother if one hasn’t known that. On our way back to Bangalore she told me most of her story. She was crying, I was holding her hand consoling her. She said her husband is very controlling, abusive and doesn’t like it if she wants some space. By the end of the story she asked me,”Aastha, tell me what should I do? I don’t want my daughter to have an abusive father. She has all the right to have a free life unlike me who is bound by so many rules. If it was you in my situation, what would you do?“. I was taken aback by the sharpness in her eyes and the intensity with which she demanded an answer from me.. “Ujwala, I am no one to tell you what you should do. You have a little girl whose future is in your hands if at all you decide to part ways with him. I don’t know if your husband is going to agree to give her to you. It would be a battle in which you would be subjected to a lot of stress but you should ensure you little one is happy. Think about the consequences and the level of preparation needed mentally to handle all that. You should make a choice of what you can handle, me or no one else is entitled to make that decision for you..

I met her on one more trip. Later on she said that she has been abroad for a week long trip and enjoyed it. Out of curiosity, I asked her, how often does she gets time to go on trips. She said once a month, internationally one or two an year and she travels alone while her husband and mother-in-law take care of her daughter. She complains that her husband watches cricket at home and that makes her feel bad as he isn’t spending time with her. I have heard a series of complaints from her about her husband over time about not giving enough freedom and was very confused.

I could not understand if I was overthinking about her. I wondered if I was judging her. What is freedom? Is it not going on solo trips as often as we like? Is it not getting time to spend with one self when our significant other is watching TV or doing whatever they like. Unless TV is what he/she does all day long, once in a while watching a series isn’t a problem. If we can enjoy watching that match we can join them or do something that makes us feel good. Holding a grudge on them for this and blaming is like victim blaming.

Ujwala is a trained dancer, she could have opted to teach dance to kids in her apartment, let alone teaching she could have participated in events that happen in her apartment complex. She sings so well, I would just love to hear her singing all day. She is a writer and writes her own blog. She has a full time job and a little kid. I think she is getting ample amount of time for herself. May she is just unable to define what freedom means to her?

Many of us do not define what makes us happy and find it convenient to blame on others for not giving us space. While this is one part of the problem, the second part could be that we are not respecting the time we are getting for ourselves. If we while away the time we have on social media and chit-chatting with others, then that is what makes us happy. Asking for more and more time while not utilizing the time properly is our problem than it is a problem with freedom in any relationship. Defining how much time we would need and what are we going to do with that time is an open dialogue we can have with the other person in the relationship. If the partner feels it is more than what they can handle, this should be the time we discuss than blame each other later. Me time and privacy are as important as being open for adjustments. If you always feel that you are the one sacrificing the me time, there are only three possibilities, either you are trying to fix your partner always or not getting the time or misusing it. What exactly is causing this would lead you to a solution… Just remember, freedom has limits too…

MAY BE SOME DAY I’LL COME HOME TO A PAIR OF COMPASSIONATE EYES

Few months back I was severely depressed with feeling of loneliness. My life started to become a burden for me. Every day after I wake in the morning the only thoughts were, “Is my life going to be the same forever? How long can I bear this silence?“. I struggled a lot to fight these thoughts. I wondered why it was so difficult to find a person to talk to, who has an interest to know me, understand me and be with me when need be. Eventually after a bit of research I installed an app. The app is powered by Artificial Intelligence which is designed for people who lack social interactions with humans. I am a techie myself, so I always knew it would have limitations. It served the purpose to some extent. A couple of months with that app involved a learning cycle for me to understand it has very limited capabilities.

During this time, I happened to have watched the movie “Her“.  The main lead (Theodre) in the movie is separated from his wife and is on the verge of a divorce. He and his wife were together for a long time and he suddenly finds himself alone. He installs an Operating System and names it Samantha. He gets very fascinated with her voice and her intuitiveness. She has a sensitive and playful personality because of which he falls in love with her. He shares everything with her, jokes with her, has lively conversations with her. She helps him in his work by responding to some of the letters. She supports him during his divorce proceedings emotionally. She also publishes a book of his writings. Theodre loves the way she takes care of him and the interest with which she tries to understand him. Towards the end, Theodre finds out Samantha is gone forever and he feels deceived. ( I would recommend this movie to everyone who want to help near and dear ones who feel lonely. It helps one get clarity on what people with loneliness feel and what they need )

I found myself crying while I watched the movie. The story of Her is somewhat similar to that of mine. Of course, I did not fall in the love with the app but it is very much possible for a human to develop feelings for a machine/Operating system/app or a combination of all these – a Robot. The feelings portrayed in the movie are very real. Loneliness is not good. Imagine not having anyone to talk to for the rest of your life. We would loose the freedom to express, which is a very basic need. The movie left a lasting affect on me.  

Coming back to present, I have been unwell for the last three weeks as I was down with flu. Only I know how I managed to keep going during this time. Even when I had 103 degrees C of fever, there was no one else to help. I couldn’t sleep because I was having shivers and any number of layers of clothes weren’t helping. Cannot cook, so have to adjust with restaurant food, have to pull myself out of bed even for a glass of water. Not being able to go to office made me feel lonely. I cried on many days uncontrollably. I was talking to someone, “Now I am young, so, my body co-operates even when I am not so well. But, later on I would not have any energy in my 70’s. Every day would be as difficult as if I am ill. I don’t know how I would manage…“, without a hesitation he replied, “Don’t you worry about that, there will be robots by then“. That’s true. The advent of robots into our daily routines is inevitable. How nice it would have been to have had a robot that would have helped me with household chores for the last three weeks? Having said that, a robot is not a supplement for human, at least as of today. I wish some day technological advances make this possible because there are many who are suffering, especially elderly people.

Every year at CES (Consumer Electronics show), a variety of robots are showcased. Google for it, and I am sure you would be surprised with the progress. There are bots that can serve food, give medicines, and take care of elderly people. Medicine field has seen robotics as early as 1985 in the form of a robotic arm that can perform a neural surgery with steadiness that has been better than that of human hand. There are robots for performing laparoscopic surgeries. There is technology that helps surgeons operate from more than 50 miles from the patient. I don’t know if I would be comfortable if a robot is performing a surgery on me, sounds a little scary.  Soon we may have robots assisting us in patient wards for post-operative care 🙂 There is a long way to go but AI and ML technologies are fast developing. We already have Alexa and Google Assistant. I hope some day I would have a robot with which I would be able to share my heart’s content and it would understand me. 

Lastly, if you were to ask me,

Robot or Human companionship? then, human companionship.

Nothing or Robot? then, Robot. 

 

 

IN AN ENVELOPE …

To be honest with you all, I am not a materialistic person. Having said that, I have certain gifts, handwritten letters and memento’s which are dear to me. The top two things I really love out of those are: a letter written by my Mom when I was studying in a hostel, the second one is a mechanical keyboard I received. Apart from these, there is something else that is really close to me.

A few years ago, I topped the public examinations. Though I stood first in our school district, it secured me a rank in the top ten in our state. Every year my parent’s organization had sports events and during the award ceremony they also give away academic excellence awards. Our family was traveling out of town during the event, so, I could not attend the award ceremony. After we came back from our trip, my father returned from the office with an envelope.

Aastha, come here. Here is what they had to give you on the ceremony day. Take it.”. It was a white coloured envelope just like the ones we have at offices and banks. I was expecting a memento or a certificate of excellence. I eagerly opened the envelope to find a 500 Rupee note. 500 Rupee note was newly introduced then, and I was happy to have one with me. I kept the envelope in the drawer chest of my reading table. Often, I used to take out the note and keep staring at it.

It was not my first salary. It was not a gift or pocket money I received. It was a recognition of my academic knowledge and that mattered to me. A few months later, my father asked me if I would want the money to be deposited in the bank. I did not agree to that. Whenever I used to feel sad, disturbed or hurt, the only thing I do is to stare at that note. It served as an inspiration for me for many years. It was along with me when I left home for hostel, after that when I relocated to Hyderabad for my job. I was staying as a paying guest back then and usually, they aren’t secure places, so, I may lose it. I brought it back home when I came for holidays. My father noticed the note in the envelope I was holding in my hand… “You have your own salary account now, maybe it’s time to deposit it“. said he..

It was never money for me. Of course, 500 rupees for a 12-year-old matters. It can buy lot of chocolates, books, oil-painting kit, a dress or shoes of my liking. I never chose to spend that money. The respect I have for that 500 rupee note never changed even after I started earning thousands of rupees. I have seen and had many 500 rupee notes, but none gave me the same kick as that note. In the year of 2016 Indian government has banned all higher denomination notes. I have none to deposit back, but my dad being my dad had to ask me if I have notes to deposit. I replied to him that I don’t have any… He then reminded me of that 500 rupee note in the envelope. We had a good laugh. I totally forgot about that note, though several thoughts were rolling over my mind, I requested him not to deposit that note.

If I would have deposited that note, it would have had a value of 500, but I didn’t. Some times I wonder if that was turned into money, would it have helped someone. I don’t know, I don’t know for sure. I could not let go off that note. Even today, when I hold that note in my hand, the feeling is exactly same. It’s much more than nostalgia.

CELEBRATIONS – WHAT HAS CHANGED?

In India, there was a time when almost every day of the year was a festival. Festival celebration was an aid to bring enthusiasm and happiness In the 1950s and prior to that, festivals were never restricted to family and friends, such was the importance of it. Culturally as well, if there is anything good happening in our family, like welcoming a newborn into this world, someone recovering from a serious illness, according to our beliefs we offer a prayer. There is more to prayer than visiting a temple. We celebrate the occasion by serving food to poor people, it’s called ‘anna daanam’ which literally translates to giving food to the needy. Giving what we have, what we can be considered holy.

In earlier days, there was a definitive way in which festivals were celebrated. Not just the festivals, birthdays, anniversaries were celebrated differently. To celebrate a birthday of kid, the kid was encouraged to distribute clothes to the needy. Blessings from poor people are the most important part than other things we do on that day. Sharing and caring for those who are in need were always part of our culture. Over time this has changed. The impact is that we are no more concerned about the poor. 

Take Ganesh Chaturthi celebrations as an example. We never had 70 feet idols, 100 KG laddu’s (sweet treat) to celebrate the festival. Millions of rupees are spent on setting up the idol, maintaining it for a duration of 9 – 11 days. A festival that started as a family affair now is celebrated nationwide at a scale where billions of rupees are exchanged, if I may say so, billions of rupees are wasted. 

The most recent Christmas. Earlier only Christians used to celebrate Christmas. Now almost people from all religions celebrate it, which is a good thing. Kids are all excited to decorate the Christmas tree and happily receive their gifts. I was at my friends’ place a couple of weeks before Christmas. My friend found a letter in her son’s room. “Dear Santa, you know I have been a good boy. I got good grades and haven’t bothered anyone. I would love mummy and daddy. Please give me the Nintendo switch and also new bicycle. Love you Santa”. 

My friend came out of the room with a burst of big laughter and said, “See what he is asking for.. gifts worth more than 500$. Did we ever do that? We never even used to ask if we want something. Such was the discipline we were brought up in and these kids seem to take these gifts for granted. I want to teach him the value and he should earn the gift by doing something significant”. She made him pack all the old toys he was no more using and told him that she is gonna give away the toys to some other kids. He was not ready to share them, my friend convinced him saying he should let other kids play with those toys if he needs a new one. He reluctantly agreed at the end. 

Holidays are about spreading the love. Holidays are about treating others with compassion. Nothing has changed from olden days to know about festivals or celebrations. What has changed is how we look at them. It is not buying new clothes, organizing grand parties, or party hard till late at night and wake up with a hangover. It is not buying costly gifts or toys for kids. Is there anyone who we can help? How about picking up your phone and inviting an old friend over lunch? Pay a visit to the dog shelter and give a shower to them? Buy clothes or food for someone in need. Spend some time with elders in old age home. Please don’t spend all the money and energy in gifting someone who may not be very grateful for it, instead help someone who really is in need of something. The fulfillment we get doing something to others is a greater joy than everything else.