HOW TO WIN BACK THE TRUST OF YOUR BROKEN PARTNER AFTER SHE CAUGHT YOU CHEATING BEHIND HER?

“Relationships are based on trust and honesty and the boundaries of being monogamous need to be set by partners themselves.”

And when the boundaries are breached there are heartaches, brokenness, pain and devastation. It is really very difficult to win back the trust of our spouse when we are the main culprit in our relationship or we are caught cheating behind our spouse even though we realize and repent later.

Can we gain her/him back? Can I win her/his trust ever again?

I know, this question haunts many of us when we finally find ourselves guilty of cheating on our spouses. What can we do at this point? Because, only realisation doesn’t help us  in anyway…

I kind of researched a bit to find out few steps that we can take on a daily basis to gain back the trust of our spouses who were betrayed, cheated, hurt and broken because of us, for our illicit activities in the past.

Following are those steps:

  1. Keep the Apologising Attitude on: Why I said apologising attitude? So many times we apologise and then think our part is over. But in this scenario we need to have a constant apologising attitude, may be till we get our spouse back to ourselves.
  2. Owning the responsibility: A relationship can be restored only when we have the desire to reconcile and rebuild and for that we need to own the responsibility. When I think “She doesn’t show any interest to reconcile” then I would be sure that I am not ready to reconcile. As I have cheated and breached the trust then it is my responsibility to take the step first. When she is hurt, angry and I have lost her trust and confidence then it is me who’s gonna be doing everything to gain her trust and ultimately gain her back into my life.
  3. Expect Denials: When we are on the verge of regaining the trust of our partner who is hurt and try to restore then we should always be ready for denials to our attempts. Our partner may not want to rebuild or reconcile again with us… She has all the reasons to do so. In that case, we should not be disappointed with our partner’s denial, we should be ready to face that and accept it in a very positive way.
  4. Patience is the Key: We being the cheat and culprit, we need to remember one thing that we can’t be hasty or hurry in anyway… Remember we have lost their trust… We can’t afford to lose our patience. We always need to remember that “breaking is much easier than rebuilding.” We need patience. We need perseverance. We have to keep coming again and again to reconcile and regain our partner’s trust. And one day when we succeed we have to start rebuilding slowly.
  5. A Humbling experience: It is really not at all easy to come again and again expecting a response to our invitation to reconcile and restore a strained relationship. Regaining someone’s trust is a humbling experience. A very tough one… May be the toughest one in one’s life… We need humility along with patience to break the wall that’s created by us. When we face denial our ego may challenge us to take a step back and stop thinking of bending down again or we might lose heart, thinking we may not gain our partner’s trust again ever. We might have patience to come again but we might not stay calm when we hear absurd and hurting words from our partner. We need to give our partner the time and space to vent their feelings, hurling out judgments on us… That’s the consequence of our cheating our partner and we need to tolerate that silently. We need to remind ourselves that regaining is our responsibility because we have lost it… Thus, we have to bend down again and again to regain; we need to prove ourselves at every steps, small or big again and again to win the trust of our spouse.

All these steps have to be carried out together. It’s not that we would finish the first step and then try out the second one. All these have to be undertaken all at a time and then only we can expect a rebuilt relationship after we regain the trust of our spouse. No matter how shaky it seems at the moment when things went all wrong but by taking it one day at a time, following the above steps might bring our relationships float well and strong again.

Before I close, I would like to request all those who have been hurt and broken because of their cheating spouses that – Cheating doesn’t have to lead to divorce or breakup always. you can build a more honest, healthier and love filled relationship all over again against all negatives and messy scenarios by forgiving your partner seeing his/her truthful repentance.

Stay Blessed!!!

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​TEXTING OR CHEATING?

“Hey! Where are you engrossed? Who are you texting??”

“Oh! Nothing, just an old friend! Was just catching up”

For that half-an-hour or so, you only concentrate on the conversation and it is making you forget your partner’s presence in the same room, it is making you smile, you are praising them, giving compliments, you are enjoying being in that ‘virtual world’.

Your partner gets hold of your chats and is clearly not comfortable and when confronted you simply laugh at them, get angry and mock them for over-reacting. There is nothing wrong in it! That is not cheating after all!

Fine! Let’s have a look at this scenario.

You are at home alone and you invited someone of the opposite sex, to have a ‘conversation’ in the privacy of your bedroom with doors locked.

 Your spouse suddenly walks in! You are immediately guilty.

Clear act of cheating! Right?

Well, what is cheating anyway?

An obvious answer to this is physical infidelity or starting an affair with someone outside your relationship.

Well of course yes!

But what about the gray areas of having an ‘emotional affair’!  Something most of us do almost ‘unknowingly’ like how our mind wanders and pretty soon we are on facebook or WhatsApp messaging someone other than your significant other? Is it fun, a harmless flirting, or is it evidence of infidelity?

Maybe it’s your best friend that you’ve known for years,  or your junior from college, or colleagues, fact is you’re texting them a lot lately. The conversations have gotten a little too flirty (so many winky faced emojis!), you’re in bad territory.

Infidelity occurs much before having actual sex with someone and in today’s culture it can very well initiate with ‘one harmless text conversation’.

You would agree that kissing another women or man would be a huge no, if you are in a relationship but on the contrary sending kiss emojis to another women and men is completely cool in virtual world. How is that not cheating?

The tell-tale sign that you’re possibly cheating is that you feel the need to hide it from your significant other, you delete entire conversation or individual messages, you know they would get angry if they read the entire conversation, so you start blaming them for the ‘not trusting you’.  If you’re trying to hide something there’s the element of betrayal. Not only does this mean you feel guilty, it shows that you’re potentially looking for something elsewhere and you know it’ll hurt their feelings.

The simple fact is that people who cheat, lie. If you’re covering your tracks so your partner can’t catch you in the act, you’re being sketchy and unfair, whether sex is involved or not.

The question many of us might ask is why do people flirt? It makes them feel young and attractive and has the power to put them back on a-game. However, we need understand that this all leads to an ’emotional affair’. It might seem like flirting but it’s not!  Messages that blur the line between teasing and intimacy, or that replace feelings you should be getting from your partner, can quickly violate relationship boundaries, even if you don’t recognize the situation as dangerous.

One of my closest friend caught her husband texting a friend and sharing details about his work life and that he was disturbed and work stressed. Something my friend knew nothing about! She got paranoid and was deeply hurt.

If you look at this from a wider perspective you might not agree for this to be cheating but having a closer look, I would agree with my friend’s opinion!

She told me while I was consoling her “Relationships are about finding someone you can share life with, not just your body, but your emotions, your insecurities” she continued. “I am heartbroken to found out he was sharing his deepest thought with someone else and was keeping it from me.”

Isn’t that true for all kind of relationships? Relationships are based on trust and honesty and the boundaries of being monogamous need to be set by partners themselves.

Key thing to remember is, what begins innocently enough is pushed and forced to its bitter conclusion, cheating. Better to remove the temptation before you cause incurable damage!

 

IT’S AGONY FOR ME WHICH SEEMED FUN FOR YOU

Some people are willing to betray years of friendship just to get a little bit of spot light and fun, this is what I learnt. As it’s no less than my own case where a fifteen year old was entangled and trapped miserably to live up in a situation of anxiety or apprehension. The situation was such that I had to live in the anticipation of fear and anger. And it was all triggered by jealousy and hatred for me.

Ultimately, the whole event directed me to a painful suffering caused by my own so called best friends which I realised soon. Besides, the number of depressed days, sleepless nights I had with them on a bed partially drenched with my ever rolling tears which still drives me out crazy sometimes even today.

Reminiscing all those darkest days of my life, I used to long only to be alone which seemed better that time. I was thinking being with myself only will add up a beauty in my life to drive my sufferings away and make my night time better.

I had one assurance in my heart that ‘God will never allow pain without a purpose for His children’. And He definitely taught me an unforgettable lesson. A lesson to be alone for the purpose for which I am created. Being alone to prevent me from falling into such a bad company again. In fact what I believe now is, “its better to have an enemy who slaps you at the face than a friend who stabs you at the back.”
Besides all these, the happiest and the prosperous me now feels as if God refunded me back everything with a beautiful cherishable family that I could ever have when I returned back to my home. I got back all that seemed so distant for sometime.
However, something that my mind wonders is, “blowing out someone else’s candle does not make yours shine any brighter”, and that’s what our nature preaches and our life teaches.
No matter how long does it take, when God works, it’s always worth the wait.

LOVE GIVES NO LEEWAY TO DECEIT

Truth and Love go together.

Lies and deceit go together.

Where there is truth, there is no place for lies – just as where there is light, there is no room for darkness to reign. In a relationship that claims to celebrate love, there is no space for deceit and hence, no space for lying and cheating.

To begin with, there is one truth all couples whether married or courting, ought to bear in mind – there are no perfect people on planet earth. And so inferring from this premise, there are no perfect couples for the world to behold!

The ones who seem to be the perfect couples to us, are as a matter of fact ‘well-adjusted’ couples. They are ones who acknowledge each other’s strengths and weaknesses, positives and negatives, ambitions and fears, successes and failures; put up with all these facets of each other; pull each other up by turns when the other is sinking and move on ahead in life.

So if you are looking for a perfect partner, prepare for a surprise!

Relationship takes hard work. No love relationship is as rosy and as romantic as the media portrays it to be. It’s not how deeply in love you begin your relationship with, that really matters, but as you take a peek back into the years and discover the many deep love footprints cast along life’s stormy milestones, you realise how much steeped in love your relationship really has been!

 So then why do we often hear accounts of lying, cheating and distrust in relationships – more specifically in ‘love relationships’?

I am reminded of the following verse from the Bible – 

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”

Selfish ambition, vain conceit, i.e, pride, ego and arrogance, not valuing the other person and his/her interests more than one’s own self – are some of the common reasons for lying and cheating in love relationships, which is ultimately strong proof enough of a loveless bond.

A case to help us understand this better:

A couple go out to dine together. Who decides the spread to be ordered? Whose preference dominates the order? A menu mutually decided by both, giving equal space to each other’s tastes is ideal. However, if one of them decides to order what s/he likes most and justifies it to be the best for both, thus ignoring the desire/choice of the other person, it ushers in the beginning of a chain of compromises in the relationship in the days to come. And once the pressure blows the lid off, there is ample room for lying, cheating and discord to gush in.

The problem is not lying and cheating, per se. But, if lying and cheating have entered into a relationship, it’s time to dig down and zero in on the real problem. Just as running nose, cough and vomiting are not ailments on their own, but symptoms of an underlying ailment, so also lying and cheating are just the masked symptoms of the bigger problem called ‘lovelessness’.

The antidote to ‘lovelessness’ is ‘love’. The solution to a loveless relationship is not anger, self-harm, lying, cheating, remorse, cursing one’s fate or seeking a route of escape, but to seek ways to restore love or to instill love, if there never had been any. At times, open conversation just between the couple helps. At other times, external intervention of a trusted confidant is necessary.

For a tall and strong minaret to be erected, it takes the sweat and toil of many a labouring hand, many chiselled stones and hammered wood. Well-chiselled stones and well-hammered wood make up a resilient edifice. So is it for relationships!

Do not tiptoe your way out of love. Plant your feet firmly and ask God Almighty to secure your footprints, as you celebrate love.

 

BFF – BEST FRIENDS FOREVER OR BITCHY FAKE FRIENDS?

“What’s your plan for valentine’s day? How are you planning to celebrate? Do we meet? What can we do?” I asked my friends.

It was almost a decade ago since we planned about the 14th of February. Even though we weren’t into some committed couple relationships, we were committed to each other as BFF’s. We tried to celebrate all important days of the year together, as a family. We were a group of 5 friends, 2 guys and 3 girls. We pretty much shared everything that could be shared. We were inseparable. Somehow, that year, this very date, I wanted to celebrate valentine’s day together. I persuaded everyone to go to some place to have lunch together. Everyone eventually agreed, except my best friend. She was and still is one of a kind. I lost all my wits and soon after my cool, just to make her come. Eventually it happened.

That reminds me of times, when I found myself in a position, where they would come to me with stuffs, and I tried to find a middle way to solve stuffs. I never liked doing that. I found myself taking all decisions, for us and somehow they all agreed, except my best friend, Anu.

Years went by, I left town for higher studies, their complains turned into small issues, small issues took the shape of big fights, causing them to tear apart. Far away, all I could do was, nothing. Still, I tried to pull them all in, maintain the group. I tried to talk to each one of them, and they could not just understand what went wrong and wanted out. Then they started blaming me for asking them to do things, as they wanted to do something different. I had to stop. Numerous things broke us and I am glad we all were strong enough to evolve and reign. This was the only picture that I had, it was my point of view. But, others had theirs. The views which I found out years later.

Good thing was, Anu was still my best friend. She tried to get us together, even when no one talked to her. I felt she did it for me and my heart was filled with love. I always lived in an imaginary love-friendship mansion with her, which was brutally demolished by the wrecking ball of truth. I always wondered, “Everything has fallen in place, we all have the old friendship going then why no one wants to reconcile with Anu?” I never asked anyone or her but this question killed me.

It was for me to figure out and eventually I did. One day, it so happened that, i met one of our friend. He explained to me, what went wrong. He told me how Anu used to manipulate things. She had always wanted to be the attraction of the group, the leader. She wanted everyone to love her and go to her asking for help. She also poisoned their ears about me with things, I would never think of. The get together she had arranged was because she wanted to get back on with her friendship with them, as they were blaming me for the everything. After I heard all these, I was shattered and devastated. How could she? She is my best friend. How? I could barely digest the new fed information. I felt it’s better to talk it out.

I told her about it. She was furious. She said, “What?? I didn’t say you are the culprit, they said and I just agreed. I called them there because they said they didn’t like you and wanted to be my friend.” She went silent after that. I went blank. Was that a reason to reconcile? “I trusted, loved and adored you, but you betrayed me?” is all I thought. What changed?? Do I really deserve it? Was I losing two of my friends? Was it necessary after all these years? I apologized to them both individually, saying; “I haven’t done anything knowingly, but I have hurted you guys, in many ways that I could ever think of and I am sorry. I still want you all in my life, as it was you guys, who were my life. And I am really sorry.”

Today, when I look back, I see my mistakes and I have definitely learned a lot. I am very close with all my friends, all of them. Leaving alone my best friend, Anu. Guilt got the best of her. Even though I am not a great person, but I really try hard to be a good friend. Friendship means a lot to me and I value it. Lying, cheating, backstabbing does not only break the wonderfully built relation but also destroys the essence of it. I realised, “It is better to have enemies who slaps you than to have a friend who stabs you from behind.” It is very easy for a stranger to become your best friend just as easy for a best friend to become a stranger.

I hope this valentine’s day everyone could/should cherish, celebrate and keep the love and friendship of their lives. Keep them all close to your hearts, for eternity. HAPPY VALENTINE’s DAY.

DO WE NEED SPECIAL FORCES AND UNDER COVER AGENTS TO ERADICATE CHEATING ?

Degree awarded to state topper has been reclaimed by the educational board.

It is not just her topper position that was reclaimed, but her exam result itself. A student who has almost never passed any previous exams with average marks becomes a state topper, there is every reason for the Education Control board to scrutinize the result. What they found out has surprised a lot of people outside of Bihar (a state in India), but not the Bihari’s.

cheating

For the people of Bihar, Uttar Pradesh, this is nothing new. Look at the picture, it clearly depicts the college management, lecturers are all part of the mass copy that has happened. This is not confined to one state or India. Check on the internet, there are brilliant ways that students have formulated using which they can cheat in exams.

When I read this news for the first time, there were a splash of memories that came back to me. I was involved in one such cheating in college. I don’t want to boost about myself here, I was one of the well performing students in the class.

In our university, we have a percentage of marks for internal examinations, as such securing a good score in our university is very tough. People struggle a lot to get an average score. The internal exam marks constitute of 20% of the total, hence students find that an easy route to secure a pass mark.

I hardly used to talk with anyone in the class. Once, in an internal examination, I felt a pat on my back, unintentionally I turned back. The guy who had the roll call next to me made a gesture to open up my paper for him. Firstly, I was surprised as this is the first time anyone has requested me for such a thing. On the second, the guy is very silent, I was wondering what made him do so. Before I could react there was a second pat on my back.

I had two options, either to help him ( help is not at all the appropriate word), or to complain to the invigilator. I was quite scared to complain because boys have gangs, if at all they want to take a revenge on me, I would be in trouble. Should I succumb for the fear of them ? My brain said “No”. But the heart said, “The guy is so soft spoken. He scores well otherwise, you don’t know what problem he had because of which he couldn’t dedicate time for preparation, you should consider”.

While I was quite uncomfortable, I did re-position myself so that my answer sheet gets visible to him. It was one of the most fearful moments, after the exam, I had no hesitation to tell the guy not to repeat this again. Believe me, it was tough to tell that, but it was tougher to be cheating.

Sure, I was not benefited from cheating, but there isn’t anything that makes me feel what I did was right. At the same time I didn’t know if I was wrong. Few days later, after the results, the guy left a note asking for an apology, thanking me for the deed. I felt ashamed, that ‘thank you’ felt like a burden. I haven’t done any thing great to be thanked for, may be I shall be punished instead.

I was guilty, even today when I get reminded of all the episode, I feel very guilty too. For the first time then, I learnt a lesson that has never let me be a part of anything that can cause someone to be cheated. 

Do you think the teachers, or the college are solely responsible for the mass copying? No, not at all. Parents and elders at home have to keep an eye on the kids. Are they really preparing for the exam or are they making copy scripts ? Now a days there are more innovative ways – ultra violet pens, wireless invisible ear buds, spy pens.. 

If a student can channelize his energy on finding out the best way to cheat and not get caught, imagine what he can do in future ? If he does not resort to cheating, would the education be worth to serve back the society, would it have the required quality, I doubt it.. 

It’s better to loose with dignity and honesty than to win by cheating  – James 

 

CHEATING – AN URGE OR AN OPTION

A Case Study

I have been in an unhappy marriage for five years now. My husband has been cheating on me since one year. Initially he did try to hide his transgressions by lying about his whereabouts. Our altercations hit high charts and eventually he admitted to cheating on me.

Why and how did this happen? Where did I go wrong? Will our marriage ever work?

I have been contemplating over these questions ever since, trying to rationalize my husband’s indiscretions. Being a student of science my first approach to any problem that knocks, is to go for a root cause analysis. And look what it reveals!

My husband might have been dishonest for a year, but I have been disingenuous since the commencement of our marriage. I have always pretended to relinquish his behavior and prevaricate through the situations. Our arguments have been the result of frustrations due to lack of communication.

So what are the primary reasons for lying and cheating in a relationship? If lying is fabricating the truth, cheating is deceiving the essence of the relationship and straying away. We all try to escape from boredom and lingering circumstances. Are fibbing and infidelity the actual solutions to this issue?

Most people fail to understand that being dishonest and committing adultery are just one of the options to escape situations. How about engaging in fruitful activities or actually addressing the matter with your significant other.

Digging deeper does unveil factors like lack of experience in a committed relationship could be one of the reasons for being mendacious. Sometimes the partner doesn’t understand the consequences of being deceptive. A feeling of insecurity owing to age, money, smartness or physical attributes is also linked to cheating. In such cases seeking external validation becomes more important than confronting the matter at hand. Another reason could be unrealistic whims and fancies of a partner that might lead to dissatisfaction, resulting in unfaithful behavior. Also succumbing to limerence and impulsive attractions leads to oversight of a meaningful connection.

As we skim through the reasons of indiscretions, we can find zillions of them. Regardless of the actual causes of cheating, there are always options available on grabs, like couple counselling, taking up hobbies and an honest discussion with your partner. 

I hope the articles which are going to be published subsequently throughout the week might throw some more light on the various reasons of lying and cheating in relationships. But to conclude, always remember that you always have a choice to not lie and cheat, than to compromise your integrity and give up on a meant to be relationship.