DO YOU DO, WHAT YOU DON’T WANT TO DO?

Do you do, what you don’t want to do?

Yes, I DO! In this hybrid living, every morning one of the primary things I do is, cleaning the cache files of my smartphone but what about the cache files we knowingly store in our life on a daily basis by “doing, what we don’t want to do”? Like the cache files slowing our smartphones often the cache files of regrets in our life make us feel demeaned in our own eyes. And one of such regretful matters in my life is to discipline myself.

We make fantastic plans and then plans to execute them tomorrow, sometimes the tomorrows keeps rotating, and finally on the last day, we instruct our mind, “nothing to worry, chill a little more…”, you can do it at the second hour of the day. As the second hour dawns, our mind becomes confused and the clock seems running at 4x speed. Alas, at the nick of the moment, our mind ain’t work, we fail to fulfill our commitment, and of course, Mr. Guilt is ready to peep in.

Oops, I did, what I ought not to do! But whom shall I blame? Who is responsible for my failure?
The Bible responds to it this way,

“The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately sick; who can understand it?”

The problem of “doing, what we don’t want to do” isn’t always the circumstantial influence, rather it is because we are enticed by our own desires. Those desires are full of filth. As we entertain those desires in our life it gives birth to sin and when the sin is full-grown it gives birth to death. This death – the death of wisdom, the death of conscience, the death of morals, and the death of fearing God which is ultimately addressed as, “the eternal death of our soul.”


Does it mean, there is no remedy to our tendency of “doing, what we don’t want to do”?

The Bible responds,

“No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide you a way out so that you can endure it.”

Surprisingly, we experience the same! Whenever we sense there is a knock of temptation in our hearts, immediately we hear two voices within. The voice that says, “watching porn is adultery and brings the wrath of God on us” whereas another voice says, “come on, it’s just like watching any other movie. Everyone does it, why not you!” But ALAS, as we give ear to that evil voice within us, it returns and ditches us with guilt.

I realized every time we sense the knock, let’s train our brain to listen to the first voice – “the voice of God” and keep taming our sinful mortal human flesh. Let’s not be a slave of our the sinful heart rather let’s enslave our bodies, keeping it in our control so that we will not find ourselves disqualified after preaching to others.

MIND AND ADDICTION

Often I ask myself,
what I should do and what I should not!
During the questionnaire session
The heart says to quit,
The mind opposes it just a bit.
In the dusk and dawn,
I find the beautiful sun,
Helping the world to run.
The heart asks me,
“Why can’t you quit?
Be like the immortal sun,
Don’t be too stubborn.”
The realisation jar of mind,
Now seems to be very kind,
The heart said something ,
But, it does not match with the mind.
I tried to quit my long-run addiction,
But I failed many times, as it didn’t
satisfy my expectations.
Tried harder and harder
and said to myself again,
“I will not touch a cigarette from tomorrow”,
But alas! With the rising sun,
Every resolution went in vain.
With the love and care from my partner,
I thought of my beautiful life
just now and then,
But after trying many times,
everything and every time,
The Beautiful Love for Addiction.

I WANT TO CALL IT A QUIT, BUT…

I very well understand that this poem reeks of negativity but there can’t be a denial that it exists. Many of us experience the feeling of being suffocated at various points of time and in different relationships. That feeling of claustrophobia comes from the fact that we willingly (unwillingly though) suppress ourselves from speaking up and out. We feel “give another chance, let’s not break”. But the fact is we want to break away at the first given chance but never dare to do so. This poem is about that dilemma where we want to express but fear if we are exposing ourselves – to the criticism, to the adversities, to trauma, to loneliness (which probably we might not have realized yet we are).

Dying in fragments everyday,
my soul still fears sneaking out
and searching for life
that I might leave many lives rattled behind.

Drinking from the cup of insults,
my heart is still keeping it’s disgust obscure
from the world for I might end up
enrage buried wounds.

Drained from the losses,
I am still restraining myself
from crying out my anguish
for that might not be music to the loved ones.

Detached from the bond once nurtured,
I am simply embracing the rubble
from crashing for I might be just remembered
for the sabotage.

Devastated from within,
I withhold that ugly sight to myself
for no one might understand
as I ain’t an angel but a human.

Doomed by dilemma at this dark hour of my life,
my thoughts are oscillating between liberation & submission,
for I don’t know if my freedom comes under
Express or Expose!!!

Kalpana Vogeti

Time and again, responsibility and the people we love are the biggest BUTs for which I quit to quit. 🙂

WHERE IS THE TIME?

There are many things I know I need to be doing and don’t get around to actually doing it. Please don’t ask why? Because I will say ‘Where is the time?” 

In my quest to become a perfect homemaker, mother, employee I really feel time is running me by and I have no time to invest in myself. I have read dozens of self help books, seen multiple inspiring videos and read quite a few blogs and get very inspired and buzzed about everything. 

But when it comes to actually putting things into action I am back to square one. Where is the time? Make a different diet plan for myself – where is the time to cook a separate meal. Go for a walk – in that much time I can fold all the laundry and reload the washing machine. Write a blog – but there is a ppt pending which I need to complete first. I mean the chores are never ending. There is always something out of place which requires my attention.

And the worse part is I am still not house proud. I still feel my work is far from perfect. Lots of miles still left to be covered. 

You may call it procrastination or lack of time management or will power. I don’t know. Or maybe I just need a wakeup call to get off this chores treadmill and spend some time only with myself, only on myself.

RESOLUTION DISSOLUTION

Every year I make many resolutions, 
But steadily they all come to their conclusion.

When a child, I pledged to top my class,
And after a month, ended up saying Alas!

Then I grew up promising to limit my TV time,
But, the title of couch potato was all mine!

Once I considered saying no to sibling rivalry, 
But could not take up the idea of chivalry.

I gave up chocolates at the dawn of a new year, 
Again, my determination did not adhere. 

At one time I affirmed to regularly exercise,
Although not sticking to it was no surprise!

Time flew and so did my each resolution,
Keeping them for good was only a delusion.

Finally, I told myself-
These resolutions are not for me, 
My will is not strong enough, so let it be!

And now there is just one resolution I make
Not to make anymore for heaven’s sake!

THE WAR WITHIN ME

“So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law;  but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me.”

The Bible

I always relate with this scripture portion whenever I read it. I had shared one story previously about how I thought about giving away my egg roll to a kid on the street but I delayed. I delayed thinking that I will go hungry at that moment. And I missed the opportunity to feed a hungry street kid. The sin working within us always pulls us down and doesn’t allow the spiritual part of us to stay active and dominate.

Picture credit to Google Inc.

Our spirit has an upward pull to our Creator. Our body has a downward pull towards own selves. And our mind dwindles between the world, self and God. The moment we allow prioritizing between God, the world and self we will do exactly what we feel to be right.

We all must have struggled between our inner good voice and our selfish voice. It was more like a riot that goes on within us when we decide on something. But our PULL determines whether we do, what we want and right or do just the opposite.

Friends! Always listen to your conscience or your inner voice because God created you to do good and what is right. Though your conscience needs to be trained well and pure as well or else its leading would be fatal too.

Stay Blessed!

THOSE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS

Facing judgements is the hardest thing. I am sure all of us face some or the other kind of judgements everyday. Sometimes, I take them and, then, there are instances that disturb me more than I want to be disturbed.

Recently, one of my colleague’s wife found herself alone with responsibility of two kids after her husband passed away. I know their family quite well, so, I try to help them in any way I can. Few weeks back her car broke down and she didn’t know what to do. She was frustrated. We made some arrangement for her to reach home and the car is taken care of. After she returned home, she started yelling, “Why should the car break down? This is so stupid. I feel all the problems are interested to be with me forever“. I tried to calm her down, “It’s ok. When you are the only person to handle, it would be overwhelming at times“. She quickly snapped back, “Please don’t mind me saying this. You asked for it. You wanted to live alone, so,  it was easy for you to come to terms with life. But, I didn’t“.

That was not the first time someone has judged me on the same thing. I am sure that won’t be the last time either. I sat there wondering if I unknowingly struck the wrong chord. Have I uttered something offensive? I was so lost, that I did not even talk for some time. I came home, but the thought never left me. I was hurt, spent few days crying when I couldn’t handle it anymore. I don’t know why it is so difficult for me to accept these kind of hypocritical judgements. I questioned myself thousand times as to what I was doing wrong. Should I just distance myself and not care about anyone? Should I just let people say whatever they want and not react? Should I forgive them to come to peace terms with them? The last one is extremely difficult to do.

Every time, it is a different person coming with a new perspective of what or rather how my life is and why they think it is so. Why do they care? Have I asked them for help more than I should? Am I asking for a leaning shoulder every other day? Am I bothering them with my problems? When none of these are true, why should anyone pass judgement on me? It was very very hurtful. Couple of days later, she apologized but the damage was already done. If I may say so, I lost respect towards her. Now, may be I am being judgmental, but, I would prefer to keep people where they belong. OK, I still want to help her and I would, but, won’t care for what she feels about me.

I feel I just keep going back to this viscous circle no matter how many times I don’t want to. People would say some nonsense, I take it. When they are in need I just go to help them. This cycle just repeats. In fact, I was even asked for why I care for those who don’t give a damn about me. I actually don’t know what else to do. I simply cannot ignore the fact that they are in need. But, this is the same circle that is harmful when people are mean and I don’t know what to do in that case either. Just cry and come to peace with the situation. There must be some solution to this and I don’t know what it is. What I know is, I don’t want to beat myself up for some nonsense someone has to say about the path I took when they aren’t even aware of what I have been through. Even if someone knows what it was, they don’t deserve the right to say anything mean.

“I will not let anyone walk through my mind with their dirty feet.” ~Gandhi