RECONCILIATION – THE NEED OF THE HOUR: CONFESS AND FORGIVE

We humans are majestically interwoven in relationships YET, we find some kind of brokenness everywhere. We have trust issues with people all the time. Our environment is not friendly to us. Often we fight with guilt and largely, we just go in the way opposite to godliness. God and our life seems like the pole of two extremes.

We are broken, we cannot trust one another,

We need protection from each other!

NOW, it is a solid state of affairs…

Once, someone shared with me her deepest secrets on WhatsApp chat. But after our chat, she asked me to do something which I had never thought anyone would ever ask me. She said, “Brother, I trust you but I cannot trust your phone and others who might check your phone sometime. Would you please delete our chat and send me the screenshot?”

Brokenness in relationships is the violation of purpose, the forcible act of separation and the need for reconciliation. Often, we blame others for our brokenness but we tend to forget a clap cannot sound with one hand! The repercussion of brokenness keeps us separated. According to the nature of law, punishment is a reward or repay YET, punishment never mends the brokenness, it never restores the broken relationships.

THEN WHAT CAN BE THE BETTER OPTION FOR US?

HOW TO MEND AND RESTORE?

One of my favourite poems is penned by an anonymous elementary school teacher, which goes like this:

He came to my desk with a quivering lip,
the lesson was undone.
“Do  you have a new sheet for me, dear teacher?
I’ve spoiled this one.”

I took his sheet, all soiled and blotted
and gave him a new one all unspotted.
And into his tired heart, I cried,
“Do better now, my child.”

I went came to the throne with a trembling heart;
the day was undone.
“Do  you have a new day for me, dear Master?
I’ve spoiled this one.”

He took my day, all soiled and blotted
and gave me a new one all unspotted.
And into my tired heart, he cried,
“Do better now, my child.”

I see two sides of this poem – ‘CONFESSION and FORGIVENESS’  – the ONLY answer to our questions on how to mend and how to restore.

CONFESSION and FORGIVENESS are means of communication. Where one admits his wrongs and the other person forgives him embracing the priority of reunion in the relationship. In this sacred communication, the required sacrifice is our EGO, ARROGANCE, PRIDE, SELF-RIGHTEOUS and all sort of things that separate us from one another and keeps us under subjection.

It is the grace of Confession and Forgiveness that work as the final portal of reconciliation. This grace is available and the Bible says,

“Come now, Let’s Settle This,” says the LORD.”
Though your sins are like scarlet, I will make them as white as snow.
Though they are red like crimson, I will make them as white as wool.

God Almighty reconciles with sinners like us. So, how much more willing you and I must be to confess and seek forgiveness as steps to reconciliation when we are the offenders in any relationship? Also, how much willing we must be to accept the confession and forgive those who offend us?

What do you think?

RECONCILIATION -THE NEED OF THE HOUR: BE HUMBLE AND PERSEVERE

I have a younger brother and like every other sibling, we too fought when we were kids. Actually, it would be no wrong to say we fought like cats and dogs. After fighting we used to decide we are not going to talk ever. But in a short span of time, we would come together to reconcile. Since I am elder to my brother, so he would walk to me and would ask, “Di (sister) can you please teach me this topic?” I would then ask him to apologize (sometimes I used to be bossy) and would teach him. At times, I would too initiate the talk after our silly fights in a very polite and calmer tone. Despite fighting a lot we never fail to reconcile. But why am I telling this? The reason is when we wish to reconcile then we ought to be humble. I remember whenever the two of us initiated; it was always in a polite way.

Once I had a heated discussion with one of my friends and it really felt bad to me. I decided I won’t talk, as his words made me upset. That day I was in anger but the next day I felt sad and I wanted to reconcile. However, I couldn’t do so as I got some important work. On the other day, he made the first move, as he too wasn’t feeling good. He was determined that even if I deny he wouldn’t give up. He knew the denial would feel more humiliating to him but still, he chose to reconcile. I too reciprocated with the same. We cleared our misunderstandings and I must say that reconciliation proved to be of great help.

When we talk about reconciling it doesn’t mean to patch up. It’s about restoring the strained relation with love once again. At times it happens when we have a strain in a relationship or in a friendship, we might experience humiliation or we might have been hurt a lot. But when it comes to reconciliation one should keep in mind, “it is my choice to reconcile and therefore I should be humble”. Unless you are not humble and determined your effort for reconciliation won’t sound real. We need to recall positive and happy moments with the person we want to reunite.

Is humility the only factor that contributes to reconciliation? While reaching for reconciliation there’s a fear what if the person denies? Or what if it turns out to be something more humiliating? At that point in time we need to think whatsoever comes we have to face it with humbleness. Perseverance and humility are equally important for bringing two people together. Think about the situation where I could have denied at the initiation of my friend for reuniting. Notwithstanding his humility, I could have yelled at him and would have dishonoured him. Now, had not he persevered, our friendship would have ended. So it’s not that we only need humility for restoring a relation. We need perseverance in addition to it. Owing to the fact that perseverance helps us to keep going when the situation is adverse. It’s just a determination to put your relationship or friendship back on track.

There are times when we don’t want to reconcile, because the reason, is far beyond the time we spent together. Finally, when we feel the need to reconcile, we should remember that a wound needs special care and it may hurt when we medicate it though eventually the wound gets healed. And for that special care, we need humility and perseverance to go hand in hand ahead of reconciliation.

RECONCILIATION – THE NEED OF THE HOUR: TAKE TIME AND BE PATIENT

Today itself I was very happily surprised because I saw a relationship reconcile. A relationship that was strong, but got turbulent due to various reasons a few months back – but when the relationship is strong and based on values, it is there to stay. I am talking about my husband’s relationship with one of the close relative. I was happy for them just to know that they realized that the value of a relationship is much more than the value of grudges that we might have against each other.

Our ancestors have always said – “Just give it some time!” and it is true that time is all that is needed to heal from inside.

Time and patience are two great warriors that protect a relationship. It makes the anger subside, it gives you a chance to look at things from a different perspective and it gives you enough distraction so that you can appreciate your relationship. It also gives you an opportunity to take responsibility for your actions. There are so many times when a relationship gets stuck in a blame-game. A little bit of space can make one see his/her own actions and realize that blames won’t take them anywhere.

Important things to keep in mind are –

1. Never take an important decision when feeling low
2. Never make promises to yourself or others when feeling angry
3. Try to take a time out from the situation when anger becomes uncontrollable
4. Figure out your own thing that gives you pleasure always – it could be a hobby
5. Rethink about the situation or a relationship only when you know you are in a positive frame of mind

I know it is easy to mention such points but it takes a lot of courage to really implement those. I have made certain ground rules for myself when taking a time off because patience is not just sitting and waiting for things to work, patience is an art to have the right attitude while working in your own transformation.

My time in doing my stuff

Currently, I have also taken time off an important relationship in my life. It becomes very difficult at times to not get back to blames. It becomes very difficult to ignore the hurt and guilt. What works in this situation is to focus on myself and my hobbies. And that is not a very inviting thought when I am really low but it works wonders. I write, I dance, I read, I talk to strangers, I work for the society and feel motivated yet again.

My expectations should be my responsibility

What must be done in a time off is to take responsibility for your own expectations. Almost all grudges happen because of unsatisfied expectation. It is important to understand that my expectations are my responsibility alone and the other person will only fulfil what he/she can (it might not be as per my expectations) but my expectations are not his/her responsibility. I own them and hence I have the power to change them too.

My emotions should be in my control

Another thing to keep in mind while taking a time off from a broken relationship is to take responsibility for your own emotions. My emotions are residing in my brain and hence I should have the power to control them. The statement that we very often make – “He made me so upset or she made me so angry” only shows that we give the responsibility for our anger and upset to the other person. Something that belongs to us and resides in our head should be in our control. Yes, external factors do impact one’s emotional state but we must always make an effort to keep our emotions under our control.

I shall observe myself

During time off it is also needed that you look inside yourself. See how you behave in certain conditions. Literally, imagine being outside of your body and see yourself from a distance in a particular situation. You would see a very different perspective of yourself and that would help you be more self-aware. Take up meditation or other activities to be more mindful of each situation.

I shall not deny myself the hurt that I feel

All said and done, we can follow the above guidelines but sometimes one slightest thing can cause our high spirits to crash down. In such situations don’t deny yourself the right to feel hurt. Positive thinking has one flaw that it becomes a burden when you force yourself to be positive but in reality, you just want to cry your heart out. So, don’t do any of the above when you really feel low. Take time to feel better again and slowly gradually do all of the above. With time you will notice that such moments will keep reducing and eventually will disappear.

Doing all of this will make you a much better person and then when you return to the relationship being this different person – relationship goes to a different level altogether.

“Waiting is a true sign of love and patience. Anyone can say ‘I love you’, but not everyone can wait and prove its true!”

HOW MUCH EMOTIONAL SPACE DO WE OCCUPY UP IN OUR RELATIONSHIP?

My co-writers have talked much about Allowing Space in any relationship. It may be between spouses, other family members, friends, colleagues and so on. Space is always necessary for the growth of an individual, no doubt about it but I somehow feel very apprehensive of this term SPACE in a marital bond. Because a marriage always involves two different individuals where they grow together in that beautiful institute. If the husband is having a growth and the wife is not growing along with her spouse or vice versa then there’s something wrong in that marriage. But again as an individual each person needs to grow for him or her own self. In that case a reasonable amount of space is indispensable for both the partners individually.

Now in a relationship, how much emotional space does each partner occupy is essential to know. But before that we need to understand what does this term ‘Emotional Space’ means. Emotional Space is the time, energy, and space a partner spends dealing with or listening to the emotions, words, thoughts, needs, etc. of the other partner.

There are three types of scenarios that we find concerning Emotional Space which will help us to understand where we stand individually and together in our own marriage. Those scenarios are as follows:

Scenario 1

WHERE ONE PARTNER USES UP MOST OF THE EMOTIONAL SPACE

In this kind of scenario, one partner usually seen to be involved too much in a marital relationship and expressing most of the time where as the other partner seem to be uninvolved. One person may seem extremely emotional, needy, intense etc., while the other person may seem to be aloof and seem to have no needs at all in a marriage.

In my marriage, I actually feel very content at times and feel my wife to be complaining and needy all the time. It’s good that this scenario doesn’t exist all the time in our marriage.

Scenario 2

Where NEITHER of the PERSONs uses UP ANY EMOTIONAL SPACE

In this kind of scenario, two individuals seem to be enjoying each other’s company and can be intimate with each other but they don’t feel the need of any emotions in their relationship. Whether they have been staying long or short they fail to move deeper into each other’s emotional lives.

Sometimes, I feel very scared when I find both of us holding our phones and busy using up our so called space. I ask this question to myself that time, “Are we drifting apart?”

Usually, this is a worst scenario of a marriage relationship where the partners are busy with everything but themselves. Usually, they keep drifting apart till they get separated.

Scenario 3

Where BOTH the PErsons use UP required EMOTIONAL SPACE

This has to be the best scenario where both the partners deeply get involved with each other emotionally. They occupy the emotional space equally and beautifully. This is definitely the most ideal and healthy marriage relationship where neither of the partners will ever take the step up shutting out the other or stay far away emotionally for long.

Friends! Where do we stand in our marriage relationship today? Are we drifting apart in the names of space or staying involved in our marriage with joy?

Remember, if we are involved emotionally more with an outsider (includes our parents or siblings or closest of friends) than our own partners then there’s something wrong in our relationship which needs to be considered right away.

So, how much emotional space do you occupy in your relationship?

Keep reading and keep pondering,

Stay blessed!

BEING ALONE

Those who know me in person would be rather surprised that I am blogging something about being alone! Ha ha.. someone who is always chattering and who is always surrounded by friends is talking about being alone, what an irony!

But its indeed true, my friends. Some who have known me inside out would vouch the fact that I am moody – I think all cancerians are 😉 well, no blame on the sun sign, but yes, I am indeed moody. I like to be with friends but I like to be alone. I know this doesn’t make sense, but this is what it is.

I will give you an example. I could have an amazing day out with friends, but later in the night I would want to withdraw, I would want to be with myself, I would want to be alone. Funny, isn’t it? Actually, it is not!

I believe that when we are continuously surrounded by people, be it friends or family or colleagues, we are often influenced by them. In some cases, we are intimidated by some people and at other times we are overwhelmed by certain dominating personalities around us. Sometimes we often behave in a particular fashion because that is what is expected from us. And many times we behave unnatural to please an important person around us. I agree that all this is inevitable but I feel lost in all this clutter. I feel artificial and I don’t like it. As the saying goes – “when in Rome do as Romans do” I would continue to be like that all through the day, but in the end I like to withdraw and be myself.

I like to sit down and do nothing – absolutely nothing. Because this is time when my mind ponders over what I really want – what I really want from life and what I really want from myself. All through the day I may focus on what others want from me, but at the end of it all, I think it is very important that I understand what do I want, what do I feel. That’s why I like being alone. All alone.

Life had changed so much after marriage. Suddenly I was feeling so busy with all the new responsibilities that I felt like I am having identity crisis because in the initial time of an Indian marriage – it’s more about being the daughter in law than being yourself. I had to change my likes and dislikes, I had to adapt to the new way of making food and I had to change the sleeping and waking up time too! No cribbing about that because almost all girls go through it, but the point here is that the transformation phase was so overwhelming and that was the point when the thought of being alone crept into my heart.

Fortunately or unfortunately I got a work assignment that took me to Europe for 15 days – all alone. No family no colleagues. I was so happy for those 15 days. I did miss my family for sure, but I didn’t fear the loneliness that came along with it because of time zone difference. I used that time for all that I always wanted to do without being disturbed – read, read and read more (books), sleep for long, watch senseless shows on television and take showers for a long time. Wow! It was indeed refreshing.

Many a times I just vanish from my friend circle – not that I cut contacts with them but it may not be like a usual call to ask how they are doing or have usual chats on the messages. And this is so frustrating for my friends I know, but I do have this “Being Alone” streak to my personality. And I really like that. Because it gives me time to understand myself. If I can’t understand myself how will I be able to understand others?

When I say I like to be alone I am absolutely clear to myself that I don’t want to be alone for life. I can’t imagine my life without my family and my friends. But yes, I certainly want to be alone on certain occasions. I echo Celine Dion’s words “Some people can’t stand being alone. I love solitude and silence. But when I come out of it, I am a regular talking machine”

I learn about my mistakes when I am alone and it gives me strength to accept those mistakes and apologize for them. It is so difficult to apologize, not many are able to do so. That’s because when a person makes a mistake, often he tends to defend himself. More than explaining, it is a process where the person is trying to makeup an excuse to himself. I have done that, but when I am alone, I acknowledge the fact that it’s easy to convince others about your mistakes but it is very difficult to convince yourself. I can see through my mistakes more clearly and I am able to understand why did I do so. And all this happens only when I am alone. All alone!

To conclude, I would say that being alone makes me a better human being, it makes me happy. But I reiterate that I also value to be around with my family. Jodie Foster’s words describe me perfectly

“Its an interesting combination: Having a great fear of being alone, and having a great need for solitude and the solitary experience . That’s always been a tug of war for me.”

I like to push and pull myself in this tug of war 🙂

DO YOU GIVE ENOUGH SPACE?

Read this:

babyyouaremylifeandIwanttoconfessittodayIcan’treallyimaginemyworldwithouyouYougivemehopeyouaremypassionandyouarecompassionEveryemotionthatIfeelinlifestartsfromyouandendsonyouIfIgetanotherbirthinlifeIwouldliketospenditalongwithyouYouarethemostspecialpersoninmylifeBabyyouaremyworldandIcan’tlivewithoutyouWanttospeciallyconfesstodaythatIstillloveyouandmyloveforyouistrueIloveyou!

Now read this:

Baby you are my life and I want to confess it today. I can’t really imagine my world without you. You give me hope, you are my passion and you are compassion. Every emotion that I feel in life starts from you and ends on you. If I get another birth in life, I would like to spend it along with you. You are the most special person in my life. Baby you are my world and I can’t live without you. Want to specially confess today that I still love you and my love for you is true. I love you!

When you read the first part, how difficult was it to read? Most of you must have skipped reading this part because of its tedious appearance. The beautiful message (part2) lost its essence only because there was no space between the words. It made a lot more sense and could give out the feelings in part 2 only because it was spaced properly.

Same happens with relationships. If you do not give space, the relationship becomes complicated and looses its essence. The charm of the relationship dies. Space is necessary.

Spacebar is the longest key on the keyboard. Ever wondered why? Because, SPACE is very important.

Give space, make life easy and beautiful.

SOCIETY CAN YOU MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS, PLEASE?

I was in school when I read this line “Man is a social animal“.

As I grew up I realised that it made so much sense as a human being cannot live in solitude.  He needs constant support of the society around him for his survival.

And what’s Society? It’s You + Me = WE.

It’s all about inter-dependence, co-ordination and co-operation.

But over the ages with the evolution and development of civilizations across the globe the society has not just been an integral part of a man’s life as a support system but started poking nose into the private matters of his life and tuned more hostile, encroaching the space, the domain not meant for trespassing.

Petty examples explaining the gravity of the situation, of how the “society” is not just around us but very much in our living room or perhaps (worse) in our bedroom.

• Marriage which is a very personal affair/ decision has always been a matter of keen interest for the neighbours and relatives.  “When are you getting married”, “why aren’t you getting married”, “your marriageable age is already passing, you must hurry up now before its too late”.  These questions might seem to be funny on this page but when in shoes of those, facing them, it’s irritating beyond explanation to answer such recurring questions to those who are not even remotely connected to their lives.
• Marriages especially in countries like India have always been grand affairs.  No stone is left unturned to make it memorable. But unfortunately the prime motto of having all this glitter and bling is to impress “chaar log” ( Indian meme for friends+relatives = society).  Even if a suggestion is passed off to keep it minimalist pat comes a reply “log Kya kahenge” ( what would people say). And none of those “log” would come to pay off debts that one makes for this pompous celebration.
• A neighbour always eavesdrop to listen what’s going on in other’s house, is everything alright between a daughter in law and  a mother in law or not?  And by “everything alright” I mean they are fighting  (that’s a rule of thumb perceived by many for that relation).  If that condition is fulfilled then their quota for gossip is filled for that week.
• Honour killings are nothing but a grave offshoot of this habit of society appeasement. A family won’t mind turning criminal by breaking law as it is more honourable than allowing two individuals to culminate into one barring the lines of caste and religion. What a shame!
• Rules and regulations as to how one should dress, behave, eat etc. are prime examples as to how our society controls our lives.

Man is under constant pressure of behaving himself so as to not to infuriate the society and face its wrath.  Fear of being judged, fear of being outcasted is rendering him helpless and hindering him from thinking, thinking free rather.

From Socrates to Newton; from Raja Ram Mohan Roy to Malala Yosouf, society around them have been telling them:

” Dare to dream, dare to fly

We are here to chop off your wings and never let you try”.

Biggest Truth or Irony:  A society which is meant for the betterment of every individual comprising it never (of late) really means it.  Had it been so why would one empty the trash in front of other’s house? And mind you that’s not an unmindful act, people do it deliberately; Why no one would raise a voice against an eve-teaser teasing a girl in full public glare? For that matter why any injustice is tolerated or goes unnoticed willingly with a coward thought of “let’s not get into it“, ” how does it concern it to me“.   Truth is when it really matters the so-called “Society” deters from taking a charge and involving in our lives and set a life changing example for everyone to follow henceforth.

Hence my only request to the society:  “If you can’t stand for and with me when it matters, don’t try to crawl and make inroads into my haven later.  In this world I have a small world of my own : my family and my life, and that’s my space! Would you mind leaving that to me and minding your own Business, Please?”