RECONCILIATION – THE NEED OF THE HOUR: CONFESS AND FORGIVE

We humans are majestically interwoven in relationships YET, we find some kind of brokenness everywhere. We have trust issues with people all the time. Our environment is not friendly to us. Often we fight with guilt and largely, we just go in the way opposite to godliness. God and our life seems like the pole of two extremes.

We are broken, we cannot trust one another,

We need protection from each other!

NOW, it is a solid state of affairs…

Once, someone shared with me her deepest secrets on WhatsApp chat. But after our chat, she asked me to do something which I had never thought anyone would ever ask me. She said, “Brother, I trust you but I cannot trust your phone and others who might check your phone sometime. Would you please delete our chat and send me the screenshot?”

Brokenness in relationships is the violation of purpose, the forcible act of separation and the need for reconciliation. Often, we blame others for our brokenness but we tend to forget a clap cannot sound with one hand! The repercussion of brokenness keeps us separated. According to the nature of law, punishment is a reward or repay YET, punishment never mends the brokenness, it never restores the broken relationships.

THEN WHAT CAN BE THE BETTER OPTION FOR US?

HOW TO MEND AND RESTORE?

One of my favourite poems is penned by an anonymous elementary school teacher, which goes like this:

He came to my desk with a quivering lip,
the lesson was undone.
“Do  you have a new sheet for me, dear teacher?
I’ve spoiled this one.”

I took his sheet, all soiled and blotted
and gave him a new one all unspotted.
And into his tired heart, I cried,
“Do better now, my child.”

I went came to the throne with a trembling heart;
the day was undone.
“Do  you have a new day for me, dear Master?
I’ve spoiled this one.”

He took my day, all soiled and blotted
and gave me a new one all unspotted.
And into my tired heart, he cried,
“Do better now, my child.”

I see two sides of this poem – ‘CONFESSION and FORGIVENESS’  – the ONLY answer to our questions on how to mend and how to restore.

CONFESSION and FORGIVENESS are means of communication. Where one admits his wrongs and the other person forgives him embracing the priority of reunion in the relationship. In this sacred communication, the required sacrifice is our EGO, ARROGANCE, PRIDE, SELF-RIGHTEOUS and all sort of things that separate us from one another and keeps us under subjection.

It is the grace of Confession and Forgiveness that work as the final portal of reconciliation. This grace is available and the Bible says,

“Come now, Let’s Settle This,” says the LORD.”
Though your sins are like scarlet, I will make them as white as snow.
Though they are red like crimson, I will make them as white as wool.

God Almighty reconciles with sinners like us. So, how much more willing you and I must be to confess and seek forgiveness as steps to reconciliation when we are the offenders in any relationship? Also, how much willing we must be to accept the confession and forgive those who offend us?

What do you think?

RECONCILIATION -THE NEED OF THE HOUR: BE HUMBLE AND PERSEVERE

I have a younger brother and like every other sibling, we too fought when we were kids. Actually, it would be no wrong to say we fought like cats and dogs. After fighting we used to decide we are not going to talk ever. But in a short span of time, we would come together to reconcile. Since I am elder to my brother, so he would walk to me and would ask, “Di (sister) can you please teach me this topic?” I would then ask him to apologize (sometimes I used to be bossy) and would teach him. At times, I would too initiate the talk after our silly fights in a very polite and calmer tone. Despite fighting a lot we never fail to reconcile. But why am I telling this? The reason is when we wish to reconcile then we ought to be humble. I remember whenever the two of us initiated; it was always in a polite way.

Once I had a heated discussion with one of my friends and it really felt bad to me. I decided I won’t talk, as his words made me upset. That day I was in anger but the next day I felt sad and I wanted to reconcile. However, I couldn’t do so as I got some important work. On the other day, he made the first move, as he too wasn’t feeling good. He was determined that even if I deny he wouldn’t give up. He knew the denial would feel more humiliating to him but still, he chose to reconcile. I too reciprocated with the same. We cleared our misunderstandings and I must say that reconciliation proved to be of great help.

When we talk about reconciling it doesn’t mean to patch up. It’s about restoring the strained relation with love once again. At times it happens when we have a strain in a relationship or in a friendship, we might experience humiliation or we might have been hurt a lot. But when it comes to reconciliation one should keep in mind, “it is my choice to reconcile and therefore I should be humble”. Unless you are not humble and determined your effort for reconciliation won’t sound real. We need to recall positive and happy moments with the person we want to reunite.

Is humility the only factor that contributes to reconciliation? While reaching for reconciliation there’s a fear what if the person denies? Or what if it turns out to be something more humiliating? At that point in time we need to think whatsoever comes we have to face it with humbleness. Perseverance and humility are equally important for bringing two people together. Think about the situation where I could have denied at the initiation of my friend for reuniting. Notwithstanding his humility, I could have yelled at him and would have dishonoured him. Now, had not he persevered, our friendship would have ended. So it’s not that we only need humility for restoring a relation. We need perseverance in addition to it. Owing to the fact that perseverance helps us to keep going when the situation is adverse. It’s just a determination to put your relationship or friendship back on track.

There are times when we don’t want to reconcile, because the reason, is far beyond the time we spent together. Finally, when we feel the need to reconcile, we should remember that a wound needs special care and it may hurt when we medicate it though eventually the wound gets healed. And for that special care, we need humility and perseverance to go hand in hand ahead of reconciliation.

RECONCILIATION – THE NEED OF THE HOUR: TAKE TIME AND BE PATIENT

Today itself I was very happily surprised because I saw a relationship reconcile. A relationship that was strong, but got turbulent due to various reasons a few months back – but when the relationship is strong and based on values, it is there to stay. I am talking about my husband’s relationship with one of the close relative. I was happy for them just to know that they realized that the value of a relationship is much more than the value of grudges that we might have against each other.

Our ancestors have always said – “Just give it some time!” and it is true that time is all that is needed to heal from inside.

Time and patience are two great warriors that protect a relationship. It makes the anger subside, it gives you a chance to look at things from a different perspective and it gives you enough distraction so that you can appreciate your relationship. It also gives you an opportunity to take responsibility for your actions. There are so many times when a relationship gets stuck in a blame-game. A little bit of space can make one see his/her own actions and realize that blames won’t take them anywhere.

Important things to keep in mind are –

1. Never take an important decision when feeling low
2. Never make promises to yourself or others when feeling angry
3. Try to take a time out from the situation when anger becomes uncontrollable
4. Figure out your own thing that gives you pleasure always – it could be a hobby
5. Rethink about the situation or a relationship only when you know you are in a positive frame of mind

I know it is easy to mention such points but it takes a lot of courage to really implement those. I have made certain ground rules for myself when taking a time off because patience is not just sitting and waiting for things to work, patience is an art to have the right attitude while working in your own transformation.

My time in doing my stuff

Currently, I have also taken time off an important relationship in my life. It becomes very difficult at times to not get back to blames. It becomes very difficult to ignore the hurt and guilt. What works in this situation is to focus on myself and my hobbies. And that is not a very inviting thought when I am really low but it works wonders. I write, I dance, I read, I talk to strangers, I work for the society and feel motivated yet again.

My expectations should be my responsibility

What must be done in a time off is to take responsibility for your own expectations. Almost all grudges happen because of unsatisfied expectation. It is important to understand that my expectations are my responsibility alone and the other person will only fulfil what he/she can (it might not be as per my expectations) but my expectations are not his/her responsibility. I own them and hence I have the power to change them too.

My emotions should be in my control

Another thing to keep in mind while taking a time off from a broken relationship is to take responsibility for your own emotions. My emotions are residing in my brain and hence I should have the power to control them. The statement that we very often make – “He made me so upset or she made me so angry” only shows that we give the responsibility for our anger and upset to the other person. Something that belongs to us and resides in our head should be in our control. Yes, external factors do impact one’s emotional state but we must always make an effort to keep our emotions under our control.

I shall observe myself

During time off it is also needed that you look inside yourself. See how you behave in certain conditions. Literally, imagine being outside of your body and see yourself from a distance in a particular situation. You would see a very different perspective of yourself and that would help you be more self-aware. Take up meditation or other activities to be more mindful of each situation.

I shall not deny myself the hurt that I feel

All said and done, we can follow the above guidelines but sometimes one slightest thing can cause our high spirits to crash down. In such situations don’t deny yourself the right to feel hurt. Positive thinking has one flaw that it becomes a burden when you force yourself to be positive but in reality, you just want to cry your heart out. So, don’t do any of the above when you really feel low. Take time to feel better again and slowly gradually do all of the above. With time you will notice that such moments will keep reducing and eventually will disappear.

Doing all of this will make you a much better person and then when you return to the relationship being this different person – relationship goes to a different level altogether.

“Waiting is a true sign of love and patience. Anyone can say ‘I love you’, but not everyone can wait and prove its true!”

MOTIVATION BEHIND BEING PATIENT

We had an excellent week discussing the lost virtue Patience. So I really don’t want to test my readers’ patience by making them read a big lecture on the same subject.

I get impatient when things are repeated to me – talking one thing again and again. It literally frustrates me and in turn, I get tired. And guess what? I have people all around me who keep repeating their pains, their worries, their self-pitied conversations all the time.

I have lived a life brushing off my negativities, trampling on them under my feet… and when I am burdened with negativities I feel impatient.

This might confuse few of my family members and friends about me those who think that I am a good listener and warm. I think I am so but what I just expressed about myself is also very true.

Deepa, one of my co-writer says in her blog, “Patience involves both nature and nurture.” What I understood from that statement is – Patience is a virtue, instilled in us but we need to sharpen it by nurturing it or practising it in our daily life.

This virtue of listening to people patiently is my nature… That’s what I love to do. Yet, I have to nurture it strategically so that I don’t get irked and impatient but listen to their hearts carefully. I do nurture it too while politely asking for more time by giving myself a breather.

Apart from Patience being a natural virtue and nurturing it is essential there is something else as well behind this word. That is motivation.

If I scrutinized my behaviours or my dealings with people it varies from person to person. The degree of my patience is different for different people. I am more patient with a person I love to talk with and less with someone else. It is a basic human nature though. But it is vital to understand. Now don’t look at me like that 😛 .

Let me give you an example…

One of my favourite character in the Bible is Jacob. And I want to share today something about him. He fell in love with a female called Rachel but her father asked him to serve him for seven years to earn his daughter.

And the Bible says like this:

So Jacob served seven years to get Rachel, but they seemed like only a few days to him because of his love for her.

So what’s bottom line? The bottom line is, Jacob could wait patiently for the next seven years and not just that but he served his lover’s father in those seven years. The driving force behind it was his love for Rachel.

So many times I am so patient with others yet impatient with my family members, my wife. Why? Where’s that love motivation gone within my heart today which can really drive me or you on the right path of Patience?

Patience is a natural virtue, which we have to nurture daily by setting right our motivation or interest in the things or in the people I deal with or I am supposed to be dealing with on a daily basis.

I wish and pray to God for an increased level of motivation as I talk or chat with many on a daily basis.

Keep reading, keep giving your feedback…

Stay Blessed!

HOLD ON YOUR PATIENCE BUT HOW?

Hold on your PATIENCE – it always sounds good and easy to advise but very tough, even at times is just impossible to implement it!

Do you agree with me?

A young loner with a broken heart, failed emotions, a babe to the challenges of life, being misunderstood by family and friends in every way! It was a time everyone simply believed his lie but today when he speaks the truth nobody believes him. The people whom he trusted have massacred his life. Now it is such a time for him, he is just all alone… there is no one to give ears to his heartaches, there is no one whom he can trust, there is no one who believes him and the only option left to get rid of this mess is “giving up”… How can he hold his patience?

A middle-class young girl, failed in her carrier when her father has invested all of his saving just to fulfil her dream to become a Doctor or an Engineer. How can she face her parents and how is it possible for her to hold her patience?

A teen barely in her 16, raped brutally just because that evening there was no one to join her to pass through the downtown dark lane and early in the morning her naked mutilated body was rescued by the police and the incident has become the next morning’s breaking news! In what way is it possible for her to face her parents, her family members, her friends and especially our robust racist society and the buzzing good words for her are – “Hold on, things will be alright!”

A man in his late 30’s is jobless with the ailing old parents on one side demanding for proper medical treatment and a younger sister turning 30 on the other side yet unmarried and unemployed. He have to think twice for dinner before going for a standard lunch every day, what will we talk to him about patience! Will it make any sense?

A young divorced lady blamed by the society just because her womb is infertile and it was the high-time for her to move out and save herself from the violence happening in the bedroom every night. What can she do? Is she God or has some supernatural power of tolerance? How can she be treated and bracketed as “characterless” and “not a virgin”? Is she not a human being made of flesh and emotions and dreams of a happy life? In what way she can afford patience?

A homeless Parent in their 70s’ with the ailing body and retired from the job was kicked out just because now they are dependent on their Son and Daughter-in-law, just because they trusted their children for their white-hair-days and now had to be with begging hands for a penny. What good news can comfort them? With the pain and broken body and emotion, how is it possible for them to rationalize their condition and look for better days? Where is hope for them? How can they hold their patience and stop crying every now and then?

It might be easier to be patience with your coffee machine, boarding the shared shuttle to office, at the airport lounge for delayed flights, staying as loner in an unknown city for months together and waiting for at least a 3 days of leave to see your parents while in probation or managing with a brunt pizza at late night BUT THINK ABOUT, how can it be possible to hold patience when someone’s life is bombarded with societal demagogues daily and the sound of their heartache is defining on the other side?

Patience always talks to have a good wait till the good times flow into our life because time never stays constant. Also, we human being cannot deny the truth that We all are bounded by time! We all had to live life according to the time set before us.

The Bible says,

“There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens:”

Okay! But where to get the strength, till the good times flow into our lives and our life gets better? After all, we are mortal human beings holding a finite amount of strength and emotions to hold our patience and will not react easily to a certain extent.

What’s next then?

The future is always dark and uncertain for every human being and that’s the reason we all have clear information from our past to present but not from our present to future? Now, what about God? He was there before our existence and people believed Him and had glorious experience in relationship with Him and now when we exist we believe in the existence of God and even after our death, God will remain the same. This clearly reflects the eternal existence of God and He is not controlled by time like we humans rather He (God) alone controls the time. So don’t you think we can trust in Him (God) who is not dead and is well-aware of our future?

Bible says,

We can trust in God…because He has ordained all the days of our life and each of our days is written in His book before one of them happens in our life”.

Trusting God is waiting on Him with patience and surety of mind that He will lead us to a better situation. Having patience and waiting on God also means eluding our own hasty efforts and decisions.

Hold on to your patience… God is not a human being that He will shift like shadows time-to-time!

WE ARE FAST TO REACT AND SLOW TO REALIZE

Let me start this time by reading a page from my life which makes me feel to this day that I should have acted before reacting.

I kept my best friend at bay, didn’t speake to her for years, didn’t invite her to my marriage and held a huge grudge for years before the distance between us finally rounded off to zero.  But what instigated me to take a U-turn in our relationship? That’s because I chose to listen and believe the banter of one my team-mate who happens to be on our common contact list (just an acquaintance now) against my best friend. She made me believe that my friend did back bitch about me and my ways. I was taken aback and was furious within. “How could she?” Was my reaction. I was still cordial with my friend but started distancing myself from her.

All those years I kept asking myself “why she chose to spill the beans before a third-party instead of me“, “why did she hide from me what she felt?” But the problem was not her action (which perhaps was never there) but my reaction. I was so quick to react, taking that gossip as a gospel truth and unable to realise that whatever I am accusing her to be guilty of is my problem too.  I kept things to me instead of clarifying them then and there.

Our preconceived notions, self-absorbed nature and lack of patience to deal with the situation make us react than to make us realise or perhaps realise quite late. We run for instant remedies and ignore the solutions. In the aforesaid situation, I distanced myself as a remedy to avoid further murky altercations in our relationship whereas the solution lied in the discussion which I did years later.

The crux of the problem lies in “We Take Ourselves Too Seriously” that we instantly believe that we can’t go wrong anywhere. And when an opinion/statement/ an action is in contrast to our notions, we react without realising. We are on a constant run to figure out “How could they rather than thinking Why they have”. We are on the verge of losing our ability to accept the difference, to discuss (Not argue). We are an impatient lot wanting things to be said and done our way! Accept it.

Mine was a subtle example though where I was not patient enough to give a second thought (on contrary patient enough to nurse a grudge🙈) but the increasing number of road rage killings, abusive trolls on social media platform, for that matter increasing divorce cases (not referring or supporting to domestic violence) are a mirror to the depletion of patience and thinking abilities of human race. Because we started believing “Give it back then and there, don’t waste time for it’s about OUR prestige“.

Just think once –

“Do React For We Are Human,

But Think Before Reacting For We Are Human”.

IS PATIENCE A LOST VIRTUE?

The two hardest tests on the spiritual road are the patience to wait for the right moment and the courage not to be disappointed with what we encounter. – Paulo Coelho

If you’re too impatient, you might make quick decisions resulting in huge consequences. If you’re too patient, you might pursue the wrong options for too long, wasting a big chunk of your time. The question is, where can you find the right balance in this fast-paced life?

Both patience and impatience have their flaws, but our society seems to push to hustle while telling us to hold on.

Do you remember the hunter-gatherers few thousand years ago? when they couldn’t find food, it was time to consider alternatives and change strategies; to survive. With time people learnt to settle down, they learnt the value of patience when they harvested crops, travelled far to trade each time coming back home, rewarded with festivities and family time.

Time has changed again. Twenty years ago, companies had five-year plans. Nowadays, life is a bit more complicated; a company with a five-year plan would be a joke; delivering an obsolete product to the market. Entrepreneurs today must pay more attention to the brewing changes, and be willing to revamp more frequently. They must be impatient to get the results or miss out on opportunities. And faster technology changes, the less patience will pay.

What is obvious is that we have many more opportunities to be impatient today. Technology, social lives, personal schedules and work often collide. Many of these collisions bring about unexpected costs. And unexpected costs lead to impatience.

We have video games, smartphones, social media, ebooks, online movies virtual and live sports for our leisure time. And there is always something better to do in the midst of an unexpected hold-up.

We don’t have to leave the house for entertainment. Technology has made us lazy. We don’t even have to find directions. We have an automated voice instructing our twists and turns. Even running an errand is not required anymore. Everything can reach our doorstep at the click of a button.

Where are we actually leading in terms of advancement? We are succumbing to laziness fueled by capitalism. We have more time for ourselves than ever, but we are not sure of our choices, owing to innumerable options. And too many options leads to impatience.

And then there is the hankering need for gratification. We tend to choose the options in our life with immediate results rather than wait for eventual better results. We want to remain healthy, but we order rich and heavy dessert to quench our emotional or behavioural needs. Our logical side comprehends the consequences but still yields to visible outcomes.

Let’s explore the emotional side too. The pixelated canvas has become a veil to hide actual feelings and portray the other self which one wants to show to the world. We don’t need to work on relationships and feelings. We have emojis or else we just block and move on. There’s no patience whatsoever lurking anywhere in these social taboo.
We don’t need to spend time making decisions or follow a routine. Everything is always available, 24/7.

Patience is not always a virtue. We should consider if there are ways to speed things up, or if there are better uses of our time, attention, and energy. Today’s world revolves in high pressure. Impatience definitely yield opportunities, rewards and capital. But at the same time, it is accompanied by increasing stress level, increased morbidity and reduced age of mortality.

The balance is about not getting flustered when making decisions, but not taking so much time that the competition and opportunities pass you by. There’s a very thin line in between being impatient and taking opportunities. Patience is not always the best today but let’s find the balance between the options available to us and let’s make it a point to conserve this virtue in us. It’s definitely not lost, it’s just being layered with technology and stuff. It lays inside us, we just need to find it.