TELL TODAY THAT YOU LOVE THEM, BEFORE THEY ARE GONE

We were all set to celebrate the 50th marriage anniversary of my Buaji and Fufaji (paternal aunt and uncle). It was going to be a great event with most of the family members getting together for the big celebration. Dresses and gifts were decided and I was making a photo album for the “Golden Couple”. Creating a customised gift takes time and when the network or website issues come, then the effort grows manifold. It was late night when I was having trouble in putting up a picture on a page. I gave up finally and went to bed, thinking to start afresh the next day.

It was in the morning when my mom called me up. I thought the call must be regarding the golden celebrations only, because that’s what we have been doing lately, planning what to wear and what to gift. When I answered the call, my mom was freakishly crying and told me Fufaji is no more.  I couldn’t believe my ears and asked her twice. My Fufaji, who was a retired Major General passed away the night before, just around the time I was preparing the​ photo album. As everyone else, I was shocked. I just couldn’t believe that it was possible. I thought instead of making the photo album, I could have called him up a day before to tell that  he was special and I loved him. But, it was too late.

Death is the bitter truth of life. I wanted to talk to Buaji. I usually feel shy in calling up the relatives of the deceased, don’t know how to console. But I don’t know where the courage came and I called up my Buaji instantly, as I wanted to tell her that we all love her and are there with her.

We didn’t want to leave Buaji alone on the day of her 50th marriage anniversary, so it was decided that we all will get together on that day and have an evening of singing prayers, remembering the departed soul.

It was a gloomy day. We all shared our feelings and recalled our memories with Fufaji. The lady who was called for the bhajans asked us to feel the changes that are there in the house and in our lives within him. Almost everyone was shedding tears on remembering this. And we all stopped crying the moment she said this- “How will the departed soul feel if you cry for him? He is not here with us physically, but feel his presence. He wants you to stay happy.”

My grandparents passed away when I was young, not able to understand deeply the pain that comes when anyone leaves you.  

The first death that I saw was after my marriage. My husband’s Naniji (grandmother) was not keeping well and had become too fragile. We knew she would go soon, but I wasn’t prepared that she will go like this. I was sitting beside her, when all of a sudden I heard her sound that as weird. I was alone with my younger sister- in-laws at home that time.

“Naniji, are you ok?”

No answer.

“Naniji, you want water?”

No answer.

I took her head in my lap, kept rubbing her head, chest and hands.

“Naniji, say something​!” I was shouting and crying simultaneously.

I could sense something was wrong, but I didn’t want to accept that easily. I kept her head in my lap till my in-laws came and told that she has gone. I felt helpless. I only thought if I could have spent more time with her.

“Death is not the opposite of life, it is a part of it”, everyone has to face this harsh reality.

Life is short and uncertain. Don’t wait for big moments or occasions. Tell your beloved ones, your near and dear ones, that you care for them, you need them and love them.

“Cherish those in your life because you don’t know when they won’t be there anymore.”

WORDS AND SILENCE BOTH GIVE COMFORT

It’s so easy to console a toddler. My son when he was barely 2 years old. He used to come running to me with all his problems. And it was so easy to comfort and console him. A small kiss used to make the pain go away. A small promise used to make all troubles vanish. He truly believed that I had solution for all the problems in life. I wish life was that simple.

In adult life we can’t wish away setbacks and problems and losses. Sometimes the loss is so huge that it feels like life has just stopped. Business going bust or death of a loved one or heartbreak the list is endless. It  feels like the carpet has been pulled away from below your feet. And we will never find our footing again.

If a friend is going through such a situation how will you help?

First and foremost words of courage, comfort and love do help. But generally what happens is where the loss is too recent or when you are actually going through the problem these words feel superficial. But somewhere deep in the heart they do register. And give inner strength to people. I will give you an example. A friend of mine was struggling with a heartbreak. She had just found out that her spouse was cheating on her. And while speaking to her I said the usual phrases “don’t worry everything would be all right”, “whatever happens, happens for good”, “God is there” and she lashed back at me and said “you don’t even know what I am going through, my world has fallen apart, how can you be so sure that things will be ok? You don’t understand me”. At that time I had put up with her bad mood but I knew her anger was not directed at me. Her anger was because of the situation she was in and it was a kind of defense mechanism that was making her strong from inside. And months later she confessed that she was angry and hurting from inside and my words were comforting her even though she was not ready to admit it then.

This brings me to the second point. Give an opportunity to the affected person to vent out his feelings. Be there for him. Just sit and listen. Like if a friend with an active life style, is suffering from some illness and is confined to bed. He is bound to be grumpy and angry. Listen to his issues. Let him whine for sometime. A patient ear is what he wants. He already know all the logic and realities. A little pampering is what he expects. Let him play the victim card for sometime and then gently bring him back to reality.

Another way in which you can help is by giving the person time to grieve. Like if there is a death in the household. Help in the day to day chores of the house. Give the family time to grieve and compose themselves. These days the neighbors are closer than relatives. So things like providing food or offering to take care of small kids or helping out in getting the bank formalities done go a long way in helping the bereaved. And these gestures are remembered for a long time by them.

BE YE COMPASSIONATE COMFORTERS

Ever had those nervous moments such as waiting for your turn to face the interview panel or being the next in line for a stage performance? Clammy palms, fidgety toes, twirling hair ends or biting nails?? Been there?

And did you feel better if someone came by and wrapped an encouraging arm around you or gave you an encouraging pat on the back? I bet you did feel a lot better!

Humans need comfort at varying times. Stress, anxiety, disease, worry, financial debt, death – all call for comfort and consolation. At times just a silent presence is the best comforter for an aching soul. While at other times, words or acts of comfort are necessary.

Well rehearsed words of comfort or a gesture of formality serve to console the speaker/doer more than the person(s) in need for comfort.

As I write this, I am reminded about a person called Job mentioned in the Bible:

He lived in a place beyond present-day Euphrates. Job has been described as a man who was ‘blameless and upright, and the one who feared God and shunned evil.’ He was a wealthy and respectable man with a happy family. However, in one day he lost his enormous wealth by natural and human hazards. As if that was not enough, all his ten children died at one go when the house in which they were feasting together, collapsed. To add to his misery, Job developed a horrible skin disease and his body was covered with stinking sores. Instead of standing by him during these tough times, his wife taunted him saying, “Do you still hold fast to your integrity? Curse God and die!” Job’s pain and suffering was intense.

At this juncture, three of his friends who got the news of Job’s misfortune came to visit him together to mourn with him, and to comfort him. But when they saw Job from far, they could not recognize him. At this they lifted their voice and wept. They could not believe their eyes! So they sat down with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his grief was very great.

After these seven days of silence, each of them spoke up – lengthy speeches. Each of them jumped to various conclusions. The common essence of their speeches was that – only the wicked suffer this way and that Job was suffering because he had done something wrong. They repeatedly encouraged Job to admit his wrong and repent so that God would put an end to his suffering and bless him again. After hearing them out, Job says, “What miserable comforters, all of you!”

Oftentimes, aren’t we quick to jump into conclusions on seeing people in distress? At times, yes the wrong-doing of the person may have led to disastrous consequences. But, that is not always the case. As in Job’s case, we see later, that it was a test of his faith and uprightness and not a punishment for any wrongdoing.

We do not have the answer to all the whys of life – in our own lives and in those of others. A newly married girl loses her husband – why? The much awaited baby is born with a fatal disease – why? Cancer robs a little girl of her loving father – why? A family travelling for a good cause die in accident – why? Parents shot dead in a case of burglary, leaving the children as orphans – why?

Well, we don’t have the answers to events that God in His Sovereignty permits to happen, though He never causes them. ‘Why do bad things happen to good people’ is an often asked question. There is a book by this very name written by a Jewish Rabbi named Harold S. Kushner in which he tries to reason out and come to terms with the death of his son at the age of 14 in 1977 of the incurable genetic disease, Progeria.

Reasons are not always necessary to comfort and console others – a heart of compassion is.

Bear in mind the following when attempting to comfort and console anyone in distress:

• Do not attach meaning to any event just by looking at the surface of it
• Pause and put yourself in the same situation
• Do not be hasty to speak too much
• Do not add spice to sad events and spread them all around
• Even if the consequence is a clear action of wrong doing, do not jump to get the credit for pointing it out
• Speak the language of comfort that the person would understand – silent presence, a warm comforting hug, actions of comfort, few non-judgemental words of consolation
• Do not accuse.
• Do not point to generational flaws (mistakes of parents or grandparents)
• Do not be hasty to provide solutions
• Make your presence a balm of comfort for the suffering person
• Allow the person to give a vent to his/her feelings (may be shouts of anger, tears of sorrow, denial, stoic silence)
• There isn’t an apply-to-all-situations formula for comfort. So, act according to the situation.
• Most importantly, pray for the person. The God of comforts will provide the peace that passes all understanding.

Anti-depressants, comfort foods, alcohol, drugs and other various addictions never bring the comfort that the heart requires. They, at best, numb the pain for a while. If you are hurting today and there is none to comfort you, I want to assure you that your Creator cares for you and will make Himself known to you if you lean on Him.

Let us be alert towards hurting people around us – in our families, workplaces, neighborhoods and even our helpers. It doesn’t cost to comfort. Rather it is richly rewarding to restore a soul from the depths of distress to the heights of relief!