TIME WASN’T HEALING; HE WAS!

I never knew that morning when I logged in to Yahoo, restless and in dire need of some interaction, some distraction, that it was my lucky day and it will bring me to someone who was going to become a pivotal indispensable part of my life.

I was going through the darkest of patches of my life, living every day as a mannequin goes through life. I ate without hunger, without taste. I slept with no sleep in my eyes, the medicines inducing sleep. I smiled a plastic smile with tears in my eyes for the sake of my mother. Chronic and Acute Depression had me it’s claws, and there was no way out of my misery. I had practically closed my heart to every kind of emotion, letting it turn to stone, so it feels nothing at all. I had lied enough times telling everyone ‘I am Fine’ that it became a habit for me, never letting anyone share my agony and melt my icy heart.

I had our first conversation, and I felt I am meeting an equally closed and cold person and it suited me well. I was in no mood to be an opening for someone to dump their pain in me by sharing it. Initially, we chatted on and off, some days for hours then none at all. But after years there was a curiosity in my heart to know this person more, to be with him and to tell him everything. With time I shared things about my father and my pain with him, and although I was scared of being called a “Whining.” person and to my surprise, he listened, he listened to everything. He never once wanted me to shut it out or keep it to myself. He heard and was smart enough to voice his opinion without sounding empathetic or overtly emotional. I remember often asking him if my talks bored him, the answer was always “No, tell me more.”

I shared everything, again and again, and he heard them, over and over without a single complain or sigh on his lips. He shared things about his life, his troubles and his problems. I have a fear of Doctors, and he turned out to be a Doctor, which had me thinking how can he be so different from my expectations. I could not even think of letting him go because he was a doctor and over time I must say he has changed my opinion of Doctors. He wasn’t that clinically detached person to human suffering like I had expected, a cliched image I made for all doctors. He was warm and kind and helpful. The rarest of rare things was he saw both sides of a coin while putting himself in other’s shoes to see things from their POV, and taught me the same. I, unlike him, was quick to act on impulse and often got triggered by something small and insignificant. He brought stability to my life, telling me that every battle must not be fought then and there, every war isn’t mine to fight, and I am not entitled to win every time. Some must be overlooked, some I am bound to lose.

Holding his hand as my support, I walked into the light from my darkness and once again, I was hungry, I was sleeping, I was smiling, genuinely. And my heart started to melt once again, turning back to that loving and warm heart it was meant to be. Laughs came back to my lips, and happiness found the way to my door once again.

After that, every day was a gift. A gift from him. He gave me many presents, abundantly. My writing is his most beautiful present. Something that makes me fortunate and feels accomplished and proud. I had just told him of my dream to be a writer one day, and he just evoked enough confidence in me to propel me to start writing. Being here, writing for Candles is his gift too. He surrounded me with enough people in my life, so I am never lonely ever again. He gave me enough reasons to stay busy, and I had no time with me to sit and brood over what’s lost to me. My depression and anxiety and panic attacks went down considerably.

We acquired many things from each other. He adapted the flair to write from me while I imbibed the love for English music and animation films from him. I am at loss of words when I speak of his greatness because, amid everything, he is unaware of his potential and his goodness.

I was hiding in my house; you knocked on my Door
With healing hands you touched, Banishing pain in my Core
You filled in the gaping void in me; I couldn’t ask for More
A forgotten Island I was, and you were out to Explore
Your footprints in the sand by me, on a lonely Seashore
You changed me for the better; I am not what I was Before

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HOW TO WIN BACK THE TRUST OF YOUR BROKEN PARTNER AFTER SHE CAUGHT YOU CHEATING BEHIND HER?

“Relationships are based on trust and honesty and the boundaries of being monogamous need to be set by partners themselves.”

And when the boundaries are breached there are heartaches, brokenness, pain and devastation. It is really very difficult to win back the trust of our spouse when we are the main culprit in our relationship or we are caught cheating behind our spouse even though we realize and repent later.

Can we gain her/him back? Can I win her/his trust ever again?

I know, this question haunts many of us when we finally find ourselves guilty of cheating on our spouses. What can we do at this point? Because, only realisation doesn’t help us  in anyway…

I kind of researched a bit to find out few steps that we can take on a daily basis to gain back the trust of our spouses who were betrayed, cheated, hurt and broken because of us, for our illicit activities in the past.

Following are those steps:

  1. Keep the Apologising Attitude on: Why I said apologising attitude? So many times we apologise and then think our part is over. But in this scenario we need to have a constant apologising attitude, may be till we get our spouse back to ourselves.
  2. Owning the responsibility: A relationship can be restored only when we have the desire to reconcile and rebuild and for that we need to own the responsibility. When I think “She doesn’t show any interest to reconcile” then I would be sure that I am not ready to reconcile. As I have cheated and breached the trust then it is my responsibility to take the step first. When she is hurt, angry and I have lost her trust and confidence then it is me who’s gonna be doing everything to gain her trust and ultimately gain her back into my life.
  3. Expect Denials: When we are on the verge of regaining the trust of our partner who is hurt and try to restore then we should always be ready for denials to our attempts. Our partner may not want to rebuild or reconcile again with us… She has all the reasons to do so. In that case, we should not be disappointed with our partner’s denial, we should be ready to face that and accept it in a very positive way.
  4. Patience is the Key: We being the cheat and culprit, we need to remember one thing that we can’t be hasty or hurry in anyway… Remember we have lost their trust… We can’t afford to lose our patience. We always need to remember that “breaking is much easier than rebuilding.” We need patience. We need perseverance. We have to keep coming again and again to reconcile and regain our partner’s trust. And one day when we succeed we have to start rebuilding slowly.
  5. A Humbling experience: It is really not at all easy to come again and again expecting a response to our invitation to reconcile and restore a strained relationship. Regaining someone’s trust is a humbling experience. A very tough one… May be the toughest one in one’s life… We need humility along with patience to break the wall that’s created by us. When we face denial our ego may challenge us to take a step back and stop thinking of bending down again or we might lose heart, thinking we may not gain our partner’s trust again ever. We might have patience to come again but we might not stay calm when we hear absurd and hurting words from our partner. We need to give our partner the time and space to vent their feelings, hurling out judgments on us… That’s the consequence of our cheating our partner and we need to tolerate that silently. We need to remind ourselves that regaining is our responsibility because we have lost it… Thus, we have to bend down again and again to regain; we need to prove ourselves at every steps, small or big again and again to win the trust of our spouse.

All these steps have to be carried out together. It’s not that we would finish the first step and then try out the second one. All these have to be undertaken all at a time and then only we can expect a rebuilt relationship after we regain the trust of our spouse. No matter how shaky it seems at the moment when things went all wrong but by taking it one day at a time, following the above steps might bring our relationships float well and strong again.

Before I close, I would like to request all those who have been hurt and broken because of their cheating spouses that – Cheating doesn’t have to lead to divorce or breakup always. you can build a more honest, healthier and love filled relationship all over again against all negatives and messy scenarios by forgiving your partner seeing his/her truthful repentance.

Stay Blessed!!!

​TEXTING OR CHEATING?

“Hey! Where are you engrossed? Who are you texting??”

“Oh! Nothing, just an old friend! Was just catching up”

For that half-an-hour or so, you only concentrate on the conversation and it is making you forget your partner’s presence in the same room, it is making you smile, you are praising them, giving compliments, you are enjoying being in that ‘virtual world’.

Your partner gets hold of your chats and is clearly not comfortable and when confronted you simply laugh at them, get angry and mock them for over-reacting. There is nothing wrong in it! That is not cheating after all!

Fine! Let’s have a look at this scenario.

You are at home alone and you invited someone of the opposite sex, to have a ‘conversation’ in the privacy of your bedroom with doors locked.

 Your spouse suddenly walks in! You are immediately guilty.

Clear act of cheating! Right?

Well, what is cheating anyway?

An obvious answer to this is physical infidelity or starting an affair with someone outside your relationship.

Well of course yes!

But what about the gray areas of having an ‘emotional affair’!  Something most of us do almost ‘unknowingly’ like how our mind wanders and pretty soon we are on facebook or WhatsApp messaging someone other than your significant other? Is it fun, a harmless flirting, or is it evidence of infidelity?

Maybe it’s your best friend that you’ve known for years,  or your junior from college, or colleagues, fact is you’re texting them a lot lately. The conversations have gotten a little too flirty (so many winky faced emojis!), you’re in bad territory.

Infidelity occurs much before having actual sex with someone and in today’s culture it can very well initiate with ‘one harmless text conversation’.

You would agree that kissing another women or man would be a huge no, if you are in a relationship but on the contrary sending kiss emojis to another women and men is completely cool in virtual world. How is that not cheating?

The tell-tale sign that you’re possibly cheating is that you feel the need to hide it from your significant other, you delete entire conversation or individual messages, you know they would get angry if they read the entire conversation, so you start blaming them for the ‘not trusting you’.  If you’re trying to hide something there’s the element of betrayal. Not only does this mean you feel guilty, it shows that you’re potentially looking for something elsewhere and you know it’ll hurt their feelings.

The simple fact is that people who cheat, lie. If you’re covering your tracks so your partner can’t catch you in the act, you’re being sketchy and unfair, whether sex is involved or not.

The question many of us might ask is why do people flirt? It makes them feel young and attractive and has the power to put them back on a-game. However, we need understand that this all leads to an ’emotional affair’. It might seem like flirting but it’s not!  Messages that blur the line between teasing and intimacy, or that replace feelings you should be getting from your partner, can quickly violate relationship boundaries, even if you don’t recognize the situation as dangerous.

One of my closest friend caught her husband texting a friend and sharing details about his work life and that he was disturbed and work stressed. Something my friend knew nothing about! She got paranoid and was deeply hurt.

If you look at this from a wider perspective you might not agree for this to be cheating but having a closer look, I would agree with my friend’s opinion!

She told me while I was consoling her “Relationships are about finding someone you can share life with, not just your body, but your emotions, your insecurities” she continued. “I am heartbroken to found out he was sharing his deepest thought with someone else and was keeping it from me.”

Isn’t that true for all kind of relationships? Relationships are based on trust and honesty and the boundaries of being monogamous need to be set by partners themselves.

Key thing to remember is, what begins innocently enough is pushed and forced to its bitter conclusion, cheating. Better to remove the temptation before you cause incurable damage!