RECONCILIATION – THE NEED OF THE HOUR: EXPECTING DENIAL

Person 1 – “Hey, I’m sorry for it all. This shouldn’t have happened. Would you forgive me for behaving the way I did?”

Person 2 – “Well, it’s good that you realize it. After some tussle within, I had forgiven you in my heart. And, now I tell you the same. Don’t repeat it again with anyone else.”

Person 1 – “Hoooofff! I’m relieved. Now that we are friends again, let’s go hiking this Saturday.”

Person 2 – “I hold nothing against you in my heart. But, the whole episode has left a bitter taste in my mouth. I don’t think it’s possible to go back to old times. We can’t be friends anymore.”

Person 1 – “How can you say that? I mean . . . we’ve been friends for decades and then this happens and you decide to walk away after saying that you’ve forgiven me. We’ve got to be friends again to prove that actually, all is well between us and that you have indeed forgiven me.”

Person 2  – “Sorry, forgiving doesn’t mean you and I need to be friends again. It simply means that I hold no grudge against you now. If ever we crossroads in life in the future, it’ll be in a clean-slate mode. No past record will hold either you or me hostage. However, I am not comfortable going back to being friends with you.”

Person 1 – “You can give it a chance. You could try trusting me once more.”

Person 2 – “That’s not something which I want to do. And, you need to respect that.”

Person 1 – “Initially, I was doubtful as to whether you would forgive me in the first place. But, I was relieved to know that I stand forgiven. But, I guess, I became a bit too ambitious by expecting more. Somebody said rightly, ‘Actions have consequences’.”

Person 2 – “Rightly said, ‘Actions have consequences.’ I can’t trust you with myself anymore.”

Person 1 – “Well then, here we part. I lost a friend. Good tidings to you!”

Person 2 – “Good tidings to you, too!”

This is a conversation between two friends involved in a conflict. Though there is forgiveness, there is no reconciliation. The reason being a denial of one party to the conflict, to restore old ties.

Once bitten twice shy – is an old saying. A requirement of reconciliation is two agreeing parties. This does not always happen. No matter for whatever reasons there is denial, it ought to be respected after an initial attempt to reason out.

Relationships cannot and should not be forcibly restored. The denying party has a right to personal space unless convinced otherwise.

This is true especially in case of a divorce between a married couple or a break-up after a romantic stint since deep-rooted emotions are involved in the relationship-building-up phase.

Hence the bottom line is that on the path to Reconciliation, one may face a roadblock called Denial. It has to be confronted with Reason. If Reason succeeds in displacing Denial with Convincing, Reconciliation is a short distance away. However, if Reason fails, the process needs to come to an end with due respect for the personal right to space being provided.

If the process of Reconciliation comes to an end without the desirous result, one way to resort to is prayer. Persistent prayer of faith changes situations and transforms hearts. It doesn’t breach the space of the other, yet continues its relentless persuasion.

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Quote of the day

Being kind and trustworthy is how we can unlock the door to someone’s heart.

HOW TO WIN BACK THE TRUST OF YOUR BROKEN PARTNER AFTER SHE CAUGHT YOU CHEATING BEHIND HER?

“Relationships are based on trust and honesty and the boundaries of being monogamous need to be set by partners themselves.”

And when the boundaries are breached there are heartaches, brokenness, pain and devastation. It is really very difficult to win back the trust of our spouse when we are the main culprit in our relationship or we are caught cheating behind our spouse even though we realize and repent later.

Can we gain her/him back? Can I win her/his trust ever again?

I know, this question haunts many of us when we finally find ourselves guilty of cheating on our spouses. What can we do at this point? Because, only realisation doesn’t help us  in anyway…

I kind of researched a bit to find out few steps that we can take on a daily basis to gain back the trust of our spouses who were betrayed, cheated, hurt and broken because of us, for our illicit activities in the past.

Following are those steps:

  1. Keep the Apologising Attitude on: Why I said apologising attitude? So many times we apologise and then think our part is over. But in this scenario we need to have a constant apologising attitude, may be till we get our spouse back to ourselves.
  2. Owning the responsibility: A relationship can be restored only when we have the desire to reconcile and rebuild and for that we need to own the responsibility. When I think “She doesn’t show any interest to reconcile” then I would be sure that I am not ready to reconcile. As I have cheated and breached the trust then it is my responsibility to take the step first. When she is hurt, angry and I have lost her trust and confidence then it is me who’s gonna be doing everything to gain her trust and ultimately gain her back into my life.
  3. Expect Denials: When we are on the verge of regaining the trust of our partner who is hurt and try to restore then we should always be ready for denials to our attempts. Our partner may not want to rebuild or reconcile again with us… She has all the reasons to do so. In that case, we should not be disappointed with our partner’s denial, we should be ready to face that and accept it in a very positive way.
  4. Patience is the Key: We being the cheat and culprit, we need to remember one thing that we can’t be hasty or hurry in anyway… Remember we have lost their trust… We can’t afford to lose our patience. We always need to remember that “breaking is much easier than rebuilding.” We need patience. We need perseverance. We have to keep coming again and again to reconcile and regain our partner’s trust. And one day when we succeed we have to start rebuilding slowly.
  5. A Humbling experience: It is really not at all easy to come again and again expecting a response to our invitation to reconcile and restore a strained relationship. Regaining someone’s trust is a humbling experience. A very tough one… May be the toughest one in one’s life… We need humility along with patience to break the wall that’s created by us. When we face denial our ego may challenge us to take a step back and stop thinking of bending down again or we might lose heart, thinking we may not gain our partner’s trust again ever. We might have patience to come again but we might not stay calm when we hear absurd and hurting words from our partner. We need to give our partner the time and space to vent their feelings, hurling out judgments on us… That’s the consequence of our cheating our partner and we need to tolerate that silently. We need to remind ourselves that regaining is our responsibility because we have lost it… Thus, we have to bend down again and again to regain; we need to prove ourselves at every steps, small or big again and again to win the trust of our spouse.

All these steps have to be carried out together. It’s not that we would finish the first step and then try out the second one. All these have to be undertaken all at a time and then only we can expect a rebuilt relationship after we regain the trust of our spouse. No matter how shaky it seems at the moment when things went all wrong but by taking it one day at a time, following the above steps might bring our relationships float well and strong again.

Before I close, I would like to request all those who have been hurt and broken because of their cheating spouses that – Cheating doesn’t have to lead to divorce or breakup always. you can build a more honest, healthier and love filled relationship all over again against all negatives and messy scenarios by forgiving your partner seeing his/her truthful repentance.

Stay Blessed!!!

Quote of the day

Good understanding and trust is what a healthy relationship requires.


IT’S AGONY FOR ME WHICH SEEMED FUN FOR YOU

Some people are willing to betray years of friendship just to get a little bit of spot light and fun, this is what I learnt. As it’s no less than my own case where a fifteen year old was entangled and trapped miserably to live up in a situation of anxiety or apprehension. The situation was such that I had to live in the anticipation of fear and anger. And it was all triggered by jealousy and hatred for me.

Ultimately, the whole event directed me to a painful suffering caused by my own so called best friends which I realised soon. Besides, the number of depressed days, sleepless nights I had with them on a bed partially drenched with my ever rolling tears which still drives me out crazy sometimes even today.

Reminiscing all those darkest days of my life, I used to long only to be alone which seemed better that time. I was thinking being with myself only will add up a beauty in my life to drive my sufferings away and make my night time better.

I had one assurance in my heart that ‘God will never allow pain without a purpose for His children’. And He definitely taught me an unforgettable lesson. A lesson to be alone for the purpose for which I am created. Being alone to prevent me from falling into such a bad company again. In fact what I believe now is, “its better to have an enemy who slaps you at the face than a friend who stabs you at the back.”
Besides all these, the happiest and the prosperous me now feels as if God refunded me back everything with a beautiful cherishable family that I could ever have when I returned back to my home. I got back all that seemed so distant for sometime.
However, something that my mind wonders is, “blowing out someone else’s candle does not make yours shine any brighter”, and that’s what our nature preaches and our life teaches.
No matter how long does it take, when God works, it’s always worth the wait.

BFF – BEST FRIENDS FOREVER OR BITCHY FAKE FRIENDS?

“What’s your plan for valentine’s day? How are you planning to celebrate? Do we meet? What can we do?” I asked my friends.

It was almost a decade ago since we planned about the 14th of February. Even though we weren’t into some committed couple relationships, we were committed to each other as BFF’s. We tried to celebrate all important days of the year together, as a family. We were a group of 5 friends, 2 guys and 3 girls. We pretty much shared everything that could be shared. We were inseparable. Somehow, that year, this very date, I wanted to celebrate valentine’s day together. I persuaded everyone to go to some place to have lunch together. Everyone eventually agreed, except my best friend. She was and still is one of a kind. I lost all my wits and soon after my cool, just to make her come. Eventually it happened.

That reminds me of times, when I found myself in a position, where they would come to me with stuffs, and I tried to find a middle way to solve stuffs. I never liked doing that. I found myself taking all decisions, for us and somehow they all agreed, except my best friend, Anu.

Years went by, I left town for higher studies, their complains turned into small issues, small issues took the shape of big fights, causing them to tear apart. Far away, all I could do was, nothing. Still, I tried to pull them all in, maintain the group. I tried to talk to each one of them, and they could not just understand what went wrong and wanted out. Then they started blaming me for asking them to do things, as they wanted to do something different. I had to stop. Numerous things broke us and I am glad we all were strong enough to evolve and reign. This was the only picture that I had, it was my point of view. But, others had theirs. The views which I found out years later.

Good thing was, Anu was still my best friend. She tried to get us together, even when no one talked to her. I felt she did it for me and my heart was filled with love. I always lived in an imaginary love-friendship mansion with her, which was brutally demolished by the wrecking ball of truth. I always wondered, “Everything has fallen in place, we all have the old friendship going then why no one wants to reconcile with Anu?” I never asked anyone or her but this question killed me.

It was for me to figure out and eventually I did. One day, it so happened that, i met one of our friend. He explained to me, what went wrong. He told me how Anu used to manipulate things. She had always wanted to be the attraction of the group, the leader. She wanted everyone to love her and go to her asking for help. She also poisoned their ears about me with things, I would never think of. The get together she had arranged was because she wanted to get back on with her friendship with them, as they were blaming me for the everything. After I heard all these, I was shattered and devastated. How could she? She is my best friend. How? I could barely digest the new fed information. I felt it’s better to talk it out.

I told her about it. She was furious. She said, “What?? I didn’t say you are the culprit, they said and I just agreed. I called them there because they said they didn’t like you and wanted to be my friend.” She went silent after that. I went blank. Was that a reason to reconcile? “I trusted, loved and adored you, but you betrayed me?” is all I thought. What changed?? Do I really deserve it? Was I losing two of my friends? Was it necessary after all these years? I apologized to them both individually, saying; “I haven’t done anything knowingly, but I have hurted you guys, in many ways that I could ever think of and I am sorry. I still want you all in my life, as it was you guys, who were my life. And I am really sorry.”

Today, when I look back, I see my mistakes and I have definitely learned a lot. I am very close with all my friends, all of them. Leaving alone my best friend, Anu. Guilt got the best of her. Even though I am not a great person, but I really try hard to be a good friend. Friendship means a lot to me and I value it. Lying, cheating, backstabbing does not only break the wonderfully built relation but also destroys the essence of it. I realised, “It is better to have enemies who slaps you than to have a friend who stabs you from behind.” It is very easy for a stranger to become your best friend just as easy for a best friend to become a stranger.

I hope this valentine’s day everyone could/should cherish, celebrate and keep the love and friendship of their lives. Keep them all close to your hearts, for eternity. HAPPY VALENTINE’s DAY.

CHEATING – AN URGE OR AN OPTION

A Case Study

I have been in an unhappy marriage for five years now. My husband has been cheating on me since one year. Initially he did try to hide his transgressions by lying about his whereabouts. Our altercations hit high charts and eventually he admitted to cheating on me.

Why and how did this happen? Where did I go wrong? Will our marriage ever work?

I have been contemplating over these questions ever since, trying to rationalize my husband’s indiscretions. Being a student of science my first approach to any problem that knocks, is to go for a root cause analysis. And look what it reveals!

My husband might have been dishonest for a year, but I have been disingenuous since the commencement of our marriage. I have always pretended to relinquish his behavior and prevaricate through the situations. Our arguments have been the result of frustrations due to lack of communication.

So what are the primary reasons for lying and cheating in a relationship? If lying is fabricating the truth, cheating is deceiving the essence of the relationship and straying away. We all try to escape from boredom and lingering circumstances. Are fibbing and infidelity the actual solutions to this issue?

Most people fail to understand that being dishonest and committing adultery are just one of the options to escape situations. How about engaging in fruitful activities or actually addressing the matter with your significant other.

Digging deeper does unveil factors like lack of experience in a committed relationship could be one of the reasons for being mendacious. Sometimes the partner doesn’t understand the consequences of being deceptive. A feeling of insecurity owing to age, money, smartness or physical attributes is also linked to cheating. In such cases seeking external validation becomes more important than confronting the matter at hand. Another reason could be unrealistic whims and fancies of a partner that might lead to dissatisfaction, resulting in unfaithful behavior. Also succumbing to limerence and impulsive attractions leads to oversight of a meaningful connection.

As we skim through the reasons of indiscretions, we can find zillions of them. Regardless of the actual causes of cheating, there are always options available on grabs, like couple counselling, taking up hobbies and an honest discussion with your partner. 

I hope the articles which are going to be published subsequently throughout the week might throw some more light on the various reasons of lying and cheating in relationships. But to conclude, always remember that you always have a choice to not lie and cheat, than to compromise your integrity and give up on a meant to be relationship.