TRANSITIONING FROM UNMARRIED TO MARRIED WOMEN

Marriage is a turning point for most people in their lives. No matter the reasons for marrying, its an event that leaves a mark and becomes a starting point for many subsequent events. Religious texts and rituals all across the world have spent much time and thought dictating how and why two people should marry. Biological reasons aside, when two people come together, they are expected to think or and maintain each other as one joint unit. It encourages togetherness, tolerance, an adjustment that paves the way to cooperating and adjusting in society. Our societies do not appreciate individualism or staying alone and it’s the reason why parents trouble themselves over their single children to the extent that they are willing to sell or buy happiness for them in the name of marriage. No matter what you may name it – happiness, a financial cushion, or gifts, this practice is called the dowry system and it’s prevalent in every culture.

Historically though, only one gender has been geared up since infancy to make marriage their whole-sole occupation in life – Females.

Take any patriarchal society in the past or even in the modern world, every one of them has treated daughters as only a means of securing a connection with a ‘good family’. The prospect of shouldering the burden of a girl’s marriage is so bothersome that girls have been either aborted, murdered in infancy or married off while they were still too young. Things may have changed some but till she is married, collecting a girl child’s dowry becomes her parents’ sole occupation. She thus becomes a ‘burden’.

This burden dictates how the girl is brought up even in her own family. It robs her of identity because she is being brought up only to take on the identity of another. It robs her of agency, her claims, her voice and the right to choose because she must only belong, first to her father then to her husband. She has rights neither here nor there. Because after all, she is a burden that must be pitched onto another set of shoulders in the end.

The transition from an unmarried to a married woman becomes the only occupation of a girl’s life. She is constantly bombarded by reminders that she must soon be married off. From the cradle up, she is taught, mostly by members of her own gender, that she must learn to detach herself from her identity, her roots, her history and adopt that of another family without any backlash. A young woman aspiring to marry into a ‘good family’ is expected to excel at managing a household, being servile, anticipating the needs of others and repressing her own desires.

How many of you women were subjected to this while you were growing up? –

Don’t raise your voice.

Don’t mingle with boys.

Don’t disrespect or object to your elders.

That’s not for you to think/decide.

Stay quiet.

Don’t protest.

Society is not the only culprit of a woman. Pop culture, media and literature like Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi, Uttaran, Hum Aapke Hain Kaun, Hum Saath-Saath Hain, and many other examples exhorting the virtues of female sacrifice serve as reminders to young girls that their acceptance comes from their silence and sacrifice. Its what they are fed, morning, noon and night. Education and women empowerment have done little to efface these degrading practices because the idea of a woman being a slave to the family is deeply ingrained in our Indian ethos. Parvati, Sita, Kunti, Draupadi, Padmavati… there are too many examples to quote here of women who gave up their everything only to retain a place in history earned at the cost of self-effacement. This notion of a married woman being the epitome of self-sacrifice has become the ideal of the Indian Bahu. If she dares to want another identity than the one idolized by society, she is forced to change, shamed, shunned, divorced and called names.  

In the Indian context, the transition is defiantly skulking several centuries behind the present times. The most obvious change that comes in a woman’s life is changing her last name which is a practice observed worldwide. But in some communities in India, women are encouraged to change even their first names and it proves that our societies are not comfortable with the idea of a woman having her own identity.

The minute a girl is married she is required to bid adieu to her former way of living. Because for some reason it’s unacceptable for her new family to stomach the fact that she has a different way of dressing up, different ideas, her own preferences in food, movies, songs, clothing, ideals and philosophies. I wonder that if sameness is all that is expected out of a married woman, then why not practice inter-family marriages instead? That would ensure that the girls of the family remained and propelled the ideas and practices of the same family. There wouldn’t be an issue of painfully teaching the new bahu the ways of her new home. Right?

This isn’t an article approving incest or inter-family marriages. This is an article highlighting the unfair treatment of women who are forced to change their identities in the name of marriage.

I’m sure many women across the country have heard these barbs –

Your parents didn’t teach you even that?!

Bahus don’t laugh and cheer like that.

Change the way you dress up. Change the way you eat. Change your habits.

Change your company and don’t interact too much with your own family.

You can’t work after marriage. You’ll have to shift to our city/area. If you want to work, ensure that your chores are done before you go.

Why should we? What are you there for?

Who do you think you are without this family? Who do you think you are?

I’ve had to listen to ALL of the above. These are ALL my personal experiences. Surprised that an educated, forward-thinking, independent woman like me went through it? Like I mentioned above, education has done little to change the perception of women in this society. Education has become only an embellishment desired in an ideal bride. Often its women themselves who propagate the idea of being a slave to the married home and while out there, they might light candles and rave about unfair treatment of women, at home, they still want ideal bahus.

Some may argue that if women are trained for this transition since infancy, it should be easy to adapt to the married household. I’ll counter with a question –

“Can a plant from the tropics thrive in the tundra? Sure, it may survive; it must, because its being given the essentials to survive – earth, water, sun…but will it thrive?”

We’re kinder to the foliage we import from their exotic homelands. We create greenhouses, spend on keeping them moist and warm. We invest in the right potting mixes, worry about the soil being the right pH level. We’re kinder to the pets we adopt from other countries. The pet-food should be right, the water should have enough oxygen for the fish… the list goes on. And yet for a newly married woman, no one creates a greenhouse of her past life to ease her transition into the new one. The pag-phera ceremony, where a Hindu newly married girl goes back to her previous family, lasts only a day, after which she must come back to her new family. I did the same and did not see my family again for more than a year after that. Even when I did go back, I was told that I shouldn’t make the stay too long. I went only for ten days. So much for easing my transition!

I’ll pose a searing question to the families of the husbands now –

“When she came home, how long did you tolerate her ways of living before you or someone in your family told her to change them? Or did you do a barter – change this aspect of you and I’ll give you such and such thing or do so and so? Or did you allow her to keep her ways?”

This question will ruffle feathers. Some may even counter – we adopted her ways instead, or that, we gave her enough freedom. First of all, who are you to give someone their freedom or allow them to do something? That right must remain in their own hands. But I feel Democracy doesn’t apply to married Indian women. Some may have been generous in accepting their bahus’ ways, but I bet most didn’t. I wasn’t given much choice in whether I wanted to follow the customs of my husband’s family. I had to engage in practices I didn’t approve of. I had to teach myself to change or be quiet so I wouldn’t fan any fires. This isn’t an adjustment. This is coercion.

It is true that things have changed a lot for women. We have the vote now, a voice, we can dress up beyond ghoonghats and burkas. We can make choices in partners. We can choose to divorce, to work, to raise our children our way. But it is also true that while we can do all of the above, in many cases the choice is not in our hands. Or let me just put it this way, the circumstances surrounding us enable us to either make or drop the choice of making independent decisions. Often the choice is made for us and we are only to submit. If we assert independence, it’s not without resentment. Like I was asked, “who allowed you to study after marriage?” when I independently chose to pursue LLM post-marriage.

The message is clear – a woman’s choice shouldn’t be in her hands.

When I recall my own experiences, I am left with nothing but anger at how I was expected to change to fit into the lifestyle of my husband’s family. Subtle changes like changing when I used to wake-up or go to sleep, the kind of shows I must watch, the way I talked or laughed, how I dressed, preferring the company of certain type of people, chipped away at my own personality so much so that after a while, people I knew from my past life wondered why I had changed so much. The change may not have been expected overnight but it was definitely expected and while I did earn a lot of love and respect from my husband’s family, I often wonder if I received those only in barter for my willingness to change. I am left with a lifetime of bitter experiences that I wouldn’t want for my own or for anyone’s little girl.

While marriage is a transition that impacts both genders, it must be said that it impacts a woman more than it does a man. Would it be too hard on the ego of a husband’s family to let a woman be her own self while she becomes a loving, caring member for her new family? Would it be too hard to accept her family as part of your own? Why is it unconscionable for a woman to stick to her own ideas and philosophies in life, or to carve out her own path, or to be part of major decisions in a family, or to wear the pants in the family? Afterall, she is equally responsible for the well-being of the husband’s family, if not more.

Why must acceptance come at the cost of changing herself only for a woman?

If marriage is the merging of two families, let both families change to a better way of living, accept each other’s flaws and work around the differences to reach a consensus. While adjustment is a must in all relationships, setting limits on a human being is nothing but a form of slavery.

Coercion brings only a temporary change,

but it sows the seeds for a lifetime of resentment and hate.

Should that be the foundation of the family?

You decide.

WILL YOU FIGHT OR CAVE IN ?

“Did you say ‘No’, when he was inside you ?”, asked the doctor for the second time. The young girl, aged 7, was trembling with fear, she turned back, hugged me tight and started to cry… “Oh my dear, I wish you shouldn’t have to go through all this” was my thought.  It was very clear that the little girl did not even understand the question, of course, how can she ??  I couldn’t control myself from giving a nice lecture to the doctor…

“Didi (it means sister in hindi language), can we go back ? I don’t want to talk anymore”, her words brought instant tears to my eyes.

This happened after two months she was raped, brutally raped by many men, actually we don’t know the number of men who took an advantage of her. When she was found and brought to rehabilitation home, she had bruises all over, she had to undergo a surgery which turned out to be a life saver. So much of pain and agony at such tender age, what was her fault in all this ? 

On top of what she had to go through, the doctor’s insensible questions. I was just stupid to think that it may help her heal faster if I take her to a counselor. But, not all counselors are good. If he cannot understand how she might have felt about the horrifying act, how can he ever heal her ? I rushed her out of the hospital…

I really don’t want to give statistics of how many rapes happen, how often they happen. We all know it, and we don’t have to be accurate. It’s all in the news – fathers, brothers, grandfathers, neighbors, friends, there is no disparity in the relation when they attempt to rape. The act of sexually assaulting another person (no gender bias), even if it happens one in a million is still shameful and questions how we continue to be called humans ? Are we animals ? Where is our so called humanity ?

No rape is instantaneous. It may not be pre-planned, but it’s pre-meditated. It must have been alive in their thoughts for duration longer than the actual rape. How many of us know that most of the people who commit rape tend to repeat the act ? 

More or less similar are sexual assaults and sexual advancements. All sorts of sexual crimes do not happen only at homes, schools or colleges. After all the education, people find better ways of taking advances that are sexual in more neater and cleaner ways. Offices are no exception. I myself have been through it and I know many other colleagues who have been through. 

Sexual advancements at office usually are of quid pro quo, where the offender is either threatening to ruin your reputation at work or is not allowing you to grow unless a sexual favor is done to him/her. If not, they have a habit of it and cannot stop themselves, even when they are aware of how strict the laws are. 

What can we do to eradicate sexual assaults and how do we deal with people who would have fallen victims.

  • First and foremost, love and care for the victim as you always do.
  • If you are a man trying to help a woman going through sexual abuse
    • Give them strength, they tend to get mentally very weak…
    • Tell them that you would be there no matter how difficult the situation turns out to be.
    • Give them courage to express themselves and complain to the concerned authorities regarding what has happened.
    • Educate them that the fight won’t be easy, it indeed wouldn’t be.Be their support system.
    • If it’s a work place, school or college, the victim would be facing the offender even after the compliant has been launched, but be aware that there are laws which allow the victim to stay away from work/school for close to three months.
  • If you are woman who has gone through or is going through abuse or helping others
    • Always remember to talk to family, friends and peers.
    • Break your silence, make sure it is highlighted in all the right forums.
    • Please talk to your female colleagues and warn them of what’s happening in the work environment. ( I mentioned this point only because I got to know of many women who talk to their male colleagues, but never to their female colleagues. No offense, but may be it’s more important that your female colleagues know, so that they don’t fall prey)
  • If the victim is a kid or a young girl, never tell them that their life is ruined. It hasn’t. A girl’s life cannot be ruined just by this.
  • If at all the girl’s family has a problem with the assault, try your level best to make them understand.
  • Educate children about sexual abuses and how they can recognize them 

If I were to think of a solution, I would suggest setting up an anonymous reporting system, where the victim’s identity is hidden unless a similar incident about the same offender is reported, since the majority would be repeat offenders, it would be easier for the authorities to talk with the victims in isolation and do the needful. It is not fool proof, but would be a good start and can be extended as per our future needs.(I sincerely wish such need never arises )

Dear victims ,relatives and friends,

Please consider rape or sexual assault as an accident, in fact, it is nothing more than that and shall not disturb our lives in any way that can hinder normal life. It is not end of life.  Please highlight the incident and lodge a complaint with the authorities so that such incidents don’t repeat at the least.