LOVE GIVES NO LEEWAY TO DECEIT

Truth and Love go together.

Lies and deceit go together.

Where there is truth, there is no place for lies – just as where there is light, there is no room for darkness to reign. In a relationship that claims to celebrate love, there is no space for deceit and hence, no space for lying and cheating.

To begin with, there is one truth all couples whether married or courting, ought to bear in mind – there are no perfect people on planet earth. And so inferring from this premise, there are no perfect couples for the world to behold!

The ones who seem to be the perfect couples to us, are as a matter of fact ‘well-adjusted’ couples. They are ones who acknowledge each other’s strengths and weaknesses, positives and negatives, ambitions and fears, successes and failures; put up with all these facets of each other; pull each other up by turns when the other is sinking and move on ahead in life.

So if you are looking for a perfect partner, prepare for a surprise!

Relationship takes hard work. No love relationship is as rosy and as romantic as the media portrays it to be. It’s not how deeply in love you begin your relationship with, that really matters, but as you take a peek back into the years and discover the many deep love footprints cast along life’s stormy milestones, you realise how much steeped in love your relationship really has been!

 So then why do we often hear accounts of lying, cheating and distrust in relationships – more specifically in ‘love relationships’?

I am reminded of the following verse from the Bible – 

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”

Selfish ambition, vain conceit, i.e, pride, ego and arrogance, not valuing the other person and his/her interests more than one’s own self – are some of the common reasons for lying and cheating in love relationships, which is ultimately strong proof enough of a loveless bond.

A case to help us understand this better:

A couple go out to dine together. Who decides the spread to be ordered? Whose preference dominates the order? A menu mutually decided by both, giving equal space to each other’s tastes is ideal. However, if one of them decides to order what s/he likes most and justifies it to be the best for both, thus ignoring the desire/choice of the other person, it ushers in the beginning of a chain of compromises in the relationship in the days to come. And once the pressure blows the lid off, there is ample room for lying, cheating and discord to gush in.

The problem is not lying and cheating, per se. But, if lying and cheating have entered into a relationship, it’s time to dig down and zero in on the real problem. Just as running nose, cough and vomiting are not ailments on their own, but symptoms of an underlying ailment, so also lying and cheating are just the masked symptoms of the bigger problem called ‘lovelessness’.

The antidote to ‘lovelessness’ is ‘love’. The solution to a loveless relationship is not anger, self-harm, lying, cheating, remorse, cursing one’s fate or seeking a route of escape, but to seek ways to restore love or to instill love, if there never had been any. At times, open conversation just between the couple helps. At other times, external intervention of a trusted confidant is necessary.

For a tall and strong minaret to be erected, it takes the sweat and toil of many a labouring hand, many chiselled stones and hammered wood. Well-chiselled stones and well-hammered wood make up a resilient edifice. So is it for relationships!

Do not tiptoe your way out of love. Plant your feet firmly and ask God Almighty to secure your footprints, as you celebrate love.

 

ARE YOU SELFISH ENOUGH?

About a month back, I was feeling extremely low due to a lot of reasons. And that clearly reflected in my behavior. I often snapped at my husband, almost always complained to him of not taking care of me. I even started showing my irritation to my Mother in law and started complaining to her as well of so much work that I had to do because my husband won’t help me. Office work was piling up too and that also irritated me so much. So, overall it was a bad situation.

It was just a lot of work and I always had a huge To-Do list in front of me. I had absolutely no time for myself. “I have forgotten how to smile, I have forgotten how to be happy” I told my husband once.

Kapil (my husband) tried multiple things to help me. He tried sending me for a vacation which I refused saying that “I don’t have money”. He tried to convince me start my workouts and I refused saying that “I have no time”. He tried to persuade me to take up a hobby which I refused saying that “I can’t manage another commitment”. He gave up after a while.

There were too many arguments, too much crying and too much negativity.

Then one day he just fed sense into me. I already knew all that he said but he showed me the mirror. This was not the first time he asked me to join a gym nearby (Cult Fitness). But that day the way he said it so politely without pushing me or judging me that it sort of ringed some bells inside me. He said “If you keep giving in any relationship, the other person will keep asking for more. Why don’t you ask now? If you need time – demand it, if you need money – demand it”. That made some sense to me.

He knew that I had always been very fond of working out and I have stopped doing that regularly after having our baby. At night I looked up the website of Cult and to my surprise it was written there in Bold – 1 week free classes if you register till 31st of July. Ha! It was 31st of July and just 15 mins before the date would change.

I was in luck I thought. At least one week I can try! I registered for the free classes. There were a million questions in my head. How will I manage one hour? What all will I have to give up? For the 9 pm class, I would have to feed my son earlier. That would mean I will have to come home earlier. That means I will have to leave from work earlier. Oh man! But since I have registered I would do it.

Next day I told Kapil that I have a class at 9 pm. He was surprised that I did take this step. He was as enthusiastic as me or even more. He stayed for the whole class along with my son (which is quite unlike him). He made sure he changed his schedule so that I could make for the class every day.

That one week of free classes got over and I paid up for 3 months. I did a 16 days streak right in the beginning through a bout of fever and cold. I loved it so much. It changed my attitude towards me. I was doing something for myself and only for myself. That feeling itself was elating.

True it was, I just had to demand. I just had to ask my family for help. I just had to set the expectations with my son and my in-laws. Taking out 1 hour wasn’t difficult but I just wasn’t being selfish enough.

Since our childhood we are taught that “Selfish” is a bad word and being selfish is wrong. Really? Maybe it is. Selfishness means that you only know how to “Take” with no idea how to “Give”. Often we call a person selfish who takes from everybody but doesn’t bother to return the favor or even worse acknowledge the favor. So, being selfish is that extreme state where you just don’t know how to give back.

Selflessness is often thought to be good quality but that too has its own extreme. It means that a person only “Gives” and doesn’t know how to “take”. That doesn’t work in the relationship as well. If you keep giving, you become so empty that you have nothing at all left for yourself. And that is when all the irritation and frustration shows up.

Marriages often break when any one of these extremes is involved. The key is to balance. The key is for two people to really know when to give and when to demand, also how much to give and how much to demand. If we strike this golden balance in a relationship, relationship itself becomes golden.

This is true not just for marriages but for any relationship between two people. Strike the balance between being selfish and being selfless. That’s all!! Ain’t that simple but make a conscious effort and you will see it working.