I WISH MARRIAGES ARE MAINTAINED IN HEAVEN AS WELL!

I have always loved watching man and the wife spending quality time together. It gives me joy when a couple displays their affection for each other in public. No, I am not talking about public indecency. I am talking about holding hands in a gathering as they walk, entwining their fingers as they sit side by side, looking into each other’s eyes as they sit across the table at a coffee shop. When I see a couple happy together, it feels like their world is filled with love. The number of these true love birds are very less or negligible I can say, in today’s world. There are more broken families that I find than witnessing some awesome companionship when I look around. And I feel really very sorry and sad about it.

The world divorce rates reveal, Luxembourg is number one with 87% whereas India is 1%. India’s stat looks better but 1 in 100 is so much. In one lakh marriages, the number grows to 1000 divorces. 1% divorce rate in India doesn’t validate that the marriages are without any hassles. There are many in India who forced stay in their marriages either for the sake of their family, society, children or survival. The brokenness still remains if not divorces. Horrible it is!

Trust me, this intensity is growing daily. The Divorce rate was 12% in 1960 whereas it is 44% worldwide now.

https://www.unifiedlawyers.com.au

The divorce not only breaks down the couple it affects their families especially their own children. A child’s trust and dependability get shaken up when his or her parents split ways. 

I have a few friends who go through such brokenness even if they are still in their marriages. And both of them are silent and managing because of their children. They don’t want to part ways even if they struggle in their lives because they are more concerned about their child’s future than their own. I have a few more who struggle even after they got out of the wedlock. For all of them, brokenness has never come to an end until today. 

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Image Credit: Google Inc.

In the beginning, God created family in so much care and love. But it hurts me and I feel pain in my heart when I see families broken, whether divorced or forcing themselves in a bond along with their children suffering with them.

Since many years, I have been bearing that burden for all those broken families and I keep praying for all of them who go through that brokenness. And when I got married, God let me encounter a few challenges for myself too to deal with; probably, to train me and to equip me more, so that I can be a help to others.

It is true, “marriages are made in heaven“, but if I have to add further looking at the world around me, then I would say, “yet they are maintained on earth“. If they would have been managed and maintained in heaven as well then there would not have been any brokenness at all. 

I feel really sorry, worried for those broken people out of a marriage – a spouse or a child. I literally cry for them and also pray for them so that they reunite or reconcile with their loved ones. 

Stay Blessed! 

SOMETIMES, A GOOD CRY CAN CURE WHAT A GOOD LAUGH CAN’T …

How have you been? Long time !!” – Doctor

Sorry Doctor, couldn’t manage time for a visit to the hospital. I am doing better than earlier. ” – I have explained him my current health condition …

Okay, that sounds good. Any other symptoms?” – Doctor

I have one big problem, and I need your help in resolving it” – Me

What is that?” – Doctor

I am unable to cry …” – Me

What? Are you crazy and do you face a big problem because of not being able to shed tears?” – Doctor laughed out loud…

You told me that I will have dry eyes and would feel very dehydrated due to medication. But, I was not anticipating this side effect. I am really sorry but can’t live with this” – Me

Tears do heal me and I love the friendship I have with tears. I cannot go without them and I have suffered enough since the last two months. I am facing a lot of problem because I am unable to do my waterworks. It is considerably important for me to be able to cry. I cry, a lot, at least 2 -3 days a week, I do shell a few tears. As natural it is for me to respire to live, the same is the importance for me to be able to cry. I am not afraid of my emotions, at the same time I feel embarrassed, so I usually don’t cry before others.

If I get into some fight or few people talk totally insensible things about me, sometimes it disturbs me. When a loved one is involved that hurts me a lot. At the same time, I really don’t like reacting at that moment, I do take my time, cry out, think through and get back to normalcy. 

I am a very strong person, to which I agree, but the strength does not come from any black hole. I create strength by shedding tears in solitude, I control my anger, deal with the hurtful situations I am going through, all of this managing a smile on my face and with one expression I really love, “I am ok”. I may be fooling others, but that is better than ending up hurting them.

Apart from the general emotions that fall under the umbrella of hurt, I do get emotional and cry for other things. Singing or listening to National Anthem brings tears, seeing an act of kindness, holding a child, seeing a new born in ICU, if my loved one is in pain, well, I do feel very emotional.

When we are overwhelmed with joy, we don’t control our smile, it’s ok to cry. People who ignore sadness cheat themselves out of an important facet of life. Crying, it’s a sign that you’re a human and have feelings beyond what you’re told is appropriate to show in public.

A SMILE WORTH MILLIONS OR A PRECIOUS TEARDROP…

According to the law of magnetism, Like poles attract and Unlike poles repel. At times this statement holds true for many things, emotions and actions. But somehow, today the “heroes in the house” defile the law in many of their interactions. Smile and tear are very similar opposites that have a great number of common properties. It almost seems that their relationship with each other is a lot Complicated. To name some similarities :
 
1. Both are individually very strong emotions.
2. Biologically both have a very different meaning. 
3. Highly contagious in nature (we tend to pass it on to the next person).
4. Capable of blending in well with each other.
5. Both carry a good amount of social weightage.
 
Let’s do a simple experiment, if you please. Let us go to a person close by and pass on a smile or grin. I would love to know the reaction of the other person. We all can use the comment section for that. 
 
After we have done the experiment, we need to know the proper definition of these two subjects.
 
1. Smile: According to biology, it is the facial expression formed due to the flexing of the muscles at the sides of the mouth followed by contraction of the muscles on the sides of our eye. Generally, It is an expression of joy, happiness, pleasure, sociability, amusement or grimace.
2. Tears: According to biology, it is the secretion of our eye, which keeps our eyes moist, clean and lubricates the dried areas. Generally, it is the liquid which flows down from our eyes when we are in utter pain or agony and is accompanied by sobbing and remorse (at times).
 
Smiles and tears are of different types. Smile can be a real heart felt one or a fake one. Whereas tears are of 3 types, the basal tears which is used for lubrication, the reflex tears which is formed due to foreign particles that enter our eyes and the crying or weeping tears. 
 
After all these definitions and similarities, I would like to share with you all those things that makes me smile or brings tears to my eyes.
There are a lot of things that make me smile and to list some:
1. My daughter
2. A favorite song
3. Call from a person I’m in need at that particular time.
4. One favorite dish
5. Good memories
6. Foolish things I did which I was proud of once.
7. Stupid decisions
8. The Oriya language paper which my mom read out in front of my whole family just to point out my mistakes.
9. Meeting my hubby for the first time.
10. The first date.
11. First everything.
12. Some old pains.
13. Some complicated situations 
14. Heartaches. 
 
Do you relate to any one of these. Believe me I understand. There are many others. But these are some that either make me smile in an instance or the smile makes it way through the pain. Especially the heartaches. Being the eldest in the family, we have it in store for us and of course the best jewelry we wear is our smile. It is not only hides the pain, but also our point of view which is not required. 
 
The teary things in my life are:
1. When I get hurt physically.
2. When I go unnoticed .
3. When I am taken for granted.
4. When anger is not enough.
5. When expression fails.
6. When I hit or scold my daughter.
7. When I fight with my husband just to keep him safe.
8. When I am blamed for things I have not done.
9. When I miss God.
10. When I am hungry.
11. When my daughter was born and I congratulated my husband for the first time. Overwhelming.
12. When I saw my parents after a long long time.
13. When I thought a sibling was necessary to take care of my parents.
 
Smiles, tears, happiness, sadness all these blend in so well. This complicated web of emotions and the reactions. How important are these? We need to always express these so as to feel free. When we smile, we might unknowingly make somebody’s day. Might be a tear or two can make someone feel that he/she is not alone. If only we can feel the pain the other is going through. Today, we live in a selfish world, where people are too busy to notice even their own emotions. They only do one thing is run after money and chase entertainment. Feeling and being felt are long gone. If only those could come back. We could again, smile together and shed s tear together to make this world a better place, not only to live in but to breathe freely and express freely. 
 
Love binds us all. The only thing we need to do is open our hearts and we should let it touch us and make us free. A fake smile can hide a millions of tears and some rolled down tears can express joy like no other. Let us help light the world with our smiles. Let us recognize the tears behind some fake smiles and help them with love in our hearts. Let us be the Light, we were always meant to be.

LIVING ABOVE DEPRESSIVE SITUATIONS – A CASE STUDY

We had a very serious week discussing on one of the most difficult subjects like depression and how to combat it.  In the mega article I mentioned how combating depression needs to be a lifestyle for a person going through depression. And today in the final note I will present a case study which might bring clarity to what I explained on last Sunday. 

Negative/depressive situations from the beginning

I know a person who was born with a cardiac problem and was operated at 2½ years of age. He had all sorts of restrictions from the very childhood. There were restrictions on his food. There were restrictions on his movements. There were restrictions on his running with friends. There was restriction in playing football, cricket etc. for him. There was restriction on his studies as he had to go out to have normal education. He was brought up in a very conservative and restrictive atmosphere. He was small. So he used to cry and then forget. His heartaches were short lived at that time.

At the age of 7 he was infected with tuberculosis. It was difficult for him to stay with his parents as his dad was working in a place which was unhealthy for him to live on. His grandparents took the responsibility of taking care of him; to take care of the physical part of him but he suffered mentally after departing from his parents. He was only 7 or 8 years old at that time. When the he used to violate the restrictions, he himself had to suffer and also used to invite the stricter restrictions. He was 10 years old yet had not gone to any school as there was a fear in the minds of his parents and other family members that he may not take on the strain of going to school and study. But finally, he was admitted into a school directly in the fourth grade because of his aunt who was a teacher in the same school. He continued his study in the school.

In the school he used to stand alone in the shades when his friends used to play. He had no choice except for standing and clapping for his friends. He could not participate in many things that his friends were involved in. But he did well in his studies. He stood first in the whole school in his tenth grade.

He was 16 years old. He was an adolescent. He was unruly too but his situations didn’t allow him to even freak out like a normal teen. After schooling he joined a college. He used to go to his college by manual rickshaws. It was embarrassing for him to go by a rickshaw when the girls were even riding bicycles or motor bikes to the college. He used to go to the college at least 40 minutes ahead of everybody so that nobody would see how he was coming to the college. He suffered mentally and was depressed as he could not take part in any other curriculum for his health except regular studies. So many times he used to hide in the bathroom and cry. He used to ask God why He created him this way. Why couldn’t He just take his life?

At home alone, he used to day dream and fantasize a lot. He developed an addiction of reading wrong books. He developed a wrong attitude towards his grandparents as well as his aunt when they used to correct him for all wrong doings. He used to miss his mom and dad desperately. He used to think why they didn’t look after him instead of leaving him there with those people.

He finished his bachelor degree and got admitted for the post graduation in a university. There he suffered from mild depression. He was a grown up boy of 23 years old. The mental demands were more but scope for its development was less because of his physical restrictions. He was a loving guy and loved all his friends so much. But in return when he didn’t get the same love he used to feel depressed. He used to spend most of his times in day dreaming and grumbling to God sitting at a place alone.

All his studies finished. There were many opportunities for higher studies and good jobs but he could not go for anything, all because of his health.

He fell for a girl once but was rejected after two months of the relationship. He hasn’t known the reason of rejection till now.

His health deteriorated further in the year 2000-2001, as the passage in his heart which was made during his first surgery was already blocked. He was taken to a renowned hospital. The doctor said they need to do a surgery again – a very complicated surgery.

Finally, his condition improved after the surgery and he came back home. Then he joined an organization far off his home after three months of rest. His mom stayed with him initially. Then she left and went home. He was all alone for the next 2 years. He who himself was so unable to understand and never given any opportunity to understand before when he was younger, had to battle all alone. He felt the loneliness deeply. He wanted a girl in his life. But there was a thought in his mind that which girl is going to marry him, a heart patient. He tried on his own. Even one of his colleagues brought him many proposals which he didn’t like at all. He was disgusted. He stopped searching for anybody.

Battling in depressive situations

All these situations were negative, depressing for him. He was negative about his life but he had a hope always, that one day God will do something for him.

Throughout his life he had go through depression or negative situations but he tried his best to come over them by accepting whatever came in his way. 

He played games alone when loneliness tried to overpower him. He invented new games to amuse himself which at times attracted others too. He involved himself in writing stories and songs when he was downcast and depressed. He kept himself busy in drawing, colouring and painting to combat his loneliness. He kept himself busy reading beautiful novels. He started preparing sermons which he never preached to anybody but to himself. He loved to listen to others when he had ample amount of heartaches hidden deep within himself. He made fun, and was humorous to give others happiness. He learned to enjoy within himself.

New phase of the life with new battles

Finally, the negative situations seem to come to an end when he got married to a caring lady. The new beginning of a new phase of his life was beautiful though there were difficulties to carry on initially as he fell ill terribly. Everybody lost hope. But God saved him again. He was healed miraculously.

Life went on for him. But things were not easy as there were so many restrictions for his sickness which inadvertently became a tyranny for his wife too. At times it was not tolerable for him as he felt responsible for all these problems which pulled his wife down along with him. There seemed to be nothing when he was seen by people but there were so many things that have been pulling him down sometimes. He struggled. He suffered. He was depressed yet tried everything possible to get out of it with God’s strength alongside his wife’s immense care and help. The troubles of his wife which incur day by day all because of him pull him down and make him feel depressed and negative.

But he never put a full stop right there. He used all these experiences to help others when they came to him for help.

Final Revelation

This person was very close to my heart because I share the same body, same mind, and same spirit with him. Yes, instead of all the negative situations that came my way, I learned to live above them. It could happen only when I shifted my concentration from my suffering to the suffering of others, from my problems to the God almighty, from my depression & negative situation to His amazing grace. I am a living proof of God’s  wondrous grace before all.

Combating the daily depression is not easy yet it is not impossible too. The eyes need to be focussed on something greater and higher instead of something lower and of less importance.   It was only God’s grace and my readiness to receive His grace that could change my negative attitudes to positive.

My brother in law always says, “God takes all which is worst in us and makes it best for us.”

Stay blessed!

 

BE SAD, NOT DEPRESSED

Sadness is a normal human emotion. Had there been no moments of sadness in our lives, perhaps we would not have cherished the happy moments that life bestows on us. In fact, psychologists of old have identified ‘sadness’ as one of the six major emotions that human beings across all cultures all over the world experience.

Having said that sadness is normal, I would like to draw a line for it. How sad can we be and how long can we be sad?

Events in our lives that affect us directly or indirectly ought to make us sad. If a girl doesn’t feel sad when her parents don’t permit her to marry the guy she loves, perhaps I would question the genuinity of her love. If a boy doesn’t feel sad after flunking in the exams, perhaps he is too casual about his academics. If a father doesn’t feel sad on losing his child, perhaps he is too thick-skinned a person. All such events in our lives provide reasons for us to be sad.

However, if this sadness penetrates too deep that we are not able to come out of it, if it lingers on for months together thereby affecting our thoughts, words and actions, we are likely to sink into depression.

Let’s not confuse depression with sadness. Sadness is normal, whereas depression is not. Sadness can be overcome after a span of time. Depression is a clinical disorder and requires prayerful psychiatric treatment. 

A remorseless person is a likely to have a robotic personality. Let’s not be remorseless. We need to be sad when the situation so demands. But, let us not allow sadness take such a grip on our lives that we sink into bouts of depression.

BEWARE OF THE EFFECTS OF DEPRESSION

Depression is deadly when it is not treated in time. In India the people are either not aware of these few mental ailments or don’t take them seriously enough. Either they overlook it or treat it with absurdity. As far as my knowledge is concerned there will be many children, teens and women who will be going through severe depression without being given proper attention in our country.

As I was studying on the issue of depression I found some astounding facts on a very helpful site. I thought I will share them with you all.  ‘HEALTHLINE.COM,’ explains the effects of clinical depression which are really scary as I read through.  They are as follows:  

  1. Overwhelming Sadness
  2. Cognitive Changes
  3. Emptiness or Hopelessness
  4. Preoccupation with Death
  5. Clinginess
  6. Aches and Pains
  7. Weight Problems
  8. Poor Appetite
  9. Constricted Blood Vessels
  10. Weakened Immune System
  11. Heart Attack Outcome

I don’t want to explain them much. If you visit the site given above you will find the details about it.

Friends! Please do not neglect when you feel depressed or somebody you find suffering depression.

DEPRESSION IN CHILDREN

I was faced by a persistent depression and there have been times when I was really struggling to be happy and content with my life. One of those times was when I was a kid. As a kid, I was a very shy and subtle girl. I was easily bullied by other kids and as a result of that I kept losing my self-confidence and it also affected my self-esteem. But even as a kid, I figured out some of my strengths that really kept my spirits high. I kept working on those strengths all throughout college and later in professional life. It wasn’t as easy as it sounds. It was a constant struggle to not fall back to that “low-confidence me”.

Depression affects kids in a very different way than it affects an adult. Adults have an understanding of their own feelings, kids struggle to put their feelings in words. In my case, I never wanted to go out and play with other kids, I would not make any efforts to make friends with somebody, I would never want to share anything with anybody (food or toys or likewise). I was constantly scared that I would be made fun of. Anything that I wanted to say had to be repeated a hundred times in my head to ensure I am not bullied because of something that I say. All this was happening at its maximum when I was between 6 to 13 years of age. Somehow things changed when I entered my teens and life began to look better. I remember even having suicidal thoughts when I was about 10 years or so. There was a constant feeling “nobody needs me”.

I never shared any of this with my parents because I felt that they would never understand. Keep an eye out for your child. It is important to keep the communication channels very open. Observe for little changes in his/her behavior. Don’t just take things for granted, question “Why is your child behaving the way she/he is”. Most importantly, don’t label your child as extrovert, introvert, naughty, outspoken etc. When you label your child, you tend to look at your child in the light of the label and you would stop questioning the behavior of your child. Your child needs you the most during the difficult times like these. Stop everything else in your life to just ensure that your child is not under this demon named “depression”.