HOW TO HANDLE EMOTIONS AT WORK

By nature, I am an extremely vulnerable person who can feel the emotions a little more in depth than required. I have often ended up in emotional mess because of this sensitivity. When I was you I couldn’t reason why some thing could hurt me so deep or why some small things make me happy. But as I started growing up a little self retrospection helped me understand.

It’s very easy for people like me to build relationships. What is difficult is to recover from the hurt if these relationships don’t work. I can quote plenty examples.

My first love, some of the friendships and some professional relationships too. We talk and hear a lot about heartbreaks and how to come out of it. Hence today I am going to talk about feelings and emotions at work.

In a corporate environment we often get overwhelmed about how to maintain relationships with peers and superiors. From my professional experience so far, I have learnt a lot about professional relationships and I have made some rules for myself. Sharing the same, it may be useful to you too.

1. No romantic relationships at work. A STRICT NO.

2. No friendships at work. Well, friendships do happen but not the ones that I may want to keep life long. Most of the friendships are need based. They are over when the need is over. I have suffered a lot with this before when I was a novice in this big bad corporate world. Slowly I learnt the tricks of the trade. But to be honest, my workplace has given me 2 beautiful friendships which are an exception to this rule.

3. No sharing personal life details in depth neither asking them to others. Often times, we speak volumes about our personal life with the person whom we trust at workplace but I have had experience when it turned a boomerang for me. I can do an entire separate post of this point 😎

4. No feelings towards anybody at workplace. When I say no feelings, I literally mean NO Feelings at all.. no jealousy, no anger, no attachment, no love, no hate. The only two feelings that I allow are respect and empathy. Lot of times, you may not respect a person, but you must respect the designation. This situation is a hard nut to crack. But not getting emotionally entangled often makes lot of things easier.

5. Just fix it in mind that you cannot take along all your relationships along with you till the end of your life. A person is surrounded by circles of relationships. Closer the circle to you, more important is the relationship. Now just imagine how difficult it will be to accommodate all the relationships in the inner most circle. Similarly, accept the fact that you can’t stand in the inner most circle of many. This point is difficult to accept and that’s exactly what causes emotional stress.

Hope these tips are useful. How do you deal with emotions and feelings? What challenging situations you have encountered and how did you deal with them? I would love to hear from you.

WAKE UP

Wake up dear

this world doesn’t stay the same always

Get up smell the roses and get on with your work

make the best use of your resources or they may just dry up one day..

Humans are generally very wasteful. We have successfully wasted the resources bestowed upon us by Nature. Air, water, wood, oil, wind energy, natural gas, mineral, and coal we have managed to misuse and waste all of them. 

When early humans discovered the use of these resources they thought that the earth is so plentiful that whatever we do we will have an unending supply of all these resources. Our processes didn’t take the environmental toll into consideration and the results are very visible now.

The hazards that we only studied about have become a stark reality these days. Be it the flooding of our cities during monsoon, or the famines our farmers are facing, or the air quality being so poor that we need masks to breathe. All these things are actually happening in the present and they are all a direct consequence of our callous approach towards our natural resources. 

What is surprising though is the fact that even though we all know that pollution is an issue (and one that we will continue to face with mounting urgency in the future), few of us have changed a lot of our simple habits to be more environmentally friendly. Why because we value convenience more. 

It’s time to wake up and take some really concrete steps. Small changes in our life style can help save a lot of water, energy etc. We all know what is to be done but right now we are not bothered enough. Guys time has come act now before it’s too late for our next generation.

One more definition of resources is “a stock or supply of money, materials, staff, and other assets that can be drawn on by a person or organization in order to function effectively.”

We have seen huge conglomerates falling because they were not able to efficiently use their resources. The bigger the company the more the leaks. And more the wastage of their resources. We should realise that everything we consume comes at a price and is limited. The raw material, the  machinery and the staff should be taken care of and used optimally. Only then would a factory be called efficient. 

Look at an even bigger picture. Even humans are a resource. A country’s progress depends on how well they train and take care or their human resource. People tend to move out of a place where they are not valued or don’t have enough opportunities. Brain Drain aren’t all familiar with that… 

Stop being wasteful. Be it the resources endowed upon us by nature or the things created by humans or even the emotions. Believe me if this is the way we keep going these resources won’t be around for long. Preserve this beautiful world don’t help destroy it. 

Wake up…

“PROMISE” – IS IT JUST A WORD?

It is said, “PROMISE is a big word. It either makes something or breaks everything.”

Well, one of our Indian movies has intensified it to higher ground, “It is easier to win someone’s trust and it is more easier to break it. But TOUGH is, ‘to sustain that trust’.” 

In the mid of this year, I was invited to join a National Conference at Shillong in October. Wow, Shillong! Who gonna miss it! Of course, ‘YES’ I replied. But after a couple of months, I received my University exam time table and somehow a 3 days gap between a couple of my papers offered me a break. As opportunities costs, I was asked to pay for the cancellation of my one-way train ticket and buy an air ticket. Penny-pinching and after a week-long thought-through I convinced myself to block the deal. Finally the day dawn, as likely my plan, I took the second-half break from the office and went to write the paper. Soon after, I called a cab for the airport to take the evening flight for Guwahati after 2 hours and then en route to Shillong by road. But as always, “human plans greatly whereas he has no idea what’s going to happen in next hour”, exactly so my cab took the U-turn and was stranded in the traffic for an hour. By the time, my cab driver gets space to sneak out for another route (of course, only possible on Indian roads:)) to the airport, I crossed my check-in time. One side, I was cursing my driver and another side blaming God, “how can you be so rude to me? Being an Almighty God, can’t you somehow give me a free road?”  Exhaust and down emotion, I reached the airport 15 minutes late to the scheduled departure of my flight. But to my surprise, my flight was flying 40 minutes late, as I stepped into the airport, my flight touched the ground and was taxing towards the terminal. With ‘let’s try’ thinking, I went for boarding pass and asked the executive, ‘I know I’m late to board your aircraft but I come to know your aircraft to Guwahati is flying late. And he slapping me with his words said, Sir, you are late than our delayed flight, YOU CANNOT BOARD THE FLIGHT. On my second request, he said, let me try Sir if it works! Again to surprise he handover the boarding pass and said, Sir, run to terminal 19, the gate is about to open. Hold on, the story doesn’t end there, there’s something for life-risk as well. By the time I land, Guwahati was raining like cats and dogs. Still praying, I got a brand new cab to Shillong, hungry and tired around 11 P.M I asked the driver, Sir, how long it will take to Shillong and can we stop somewhere for dinner. He replied, sure sir, around 1AM we will reach the Dhaba but Sir we must pray that there should not be any landslide. The way it is raining, I’m sure there will be landslide somewhere. After an hour, that skillful driver was good enough to turn the steering just in a few inches away from landslide. At 3 AM, I reached Shillong but again surprising my host was out of reach and I was in a drug-paddlers locality. With a bit more struggle, I got the connection of my other contact and finally, I got shelter.

Yes, as you think, my parents suggested me to cancel the trip and in fact, while facing each of the challenges I thought to withdraw from my “YES” to the conference organizers. But each time, one verse from the Bible went strong enough to convince me –

Simply let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No.’ 

Anything more comes from the evil one.

Promises are always made at the present time and mostly it is made about its future implications but the uncertainty of the future always appears as a challenge. As the future becomes present, at the most time it enfolds an awful lot of challenges. Logically, promises might be expressed with the help of word-formation but it isn’t just a word. The sustainability of our promise words shapes our identity – our character – our strengths – our understanding and majorly the other person’s TRUST. 

The well-known and well-uttered flamboyant phrase of our time is, “Heaven and earth may pass by but I will be with you at all times. You were meant for me”. But alas, since we tend to jettison our primary promises in most of our affairs we are experiencing more shattered relationships rather than the previous decades put together. Ironically, the British author Dr. John R. W Stott in one of his book on civilized society and its problems with morals and civility said,

“Many of the happenings of our civilized society would not exist if it were not for human sin. A promise is not enough, we need a contract. Doors are not enough, we need to lock and bolt them. The payments of fairs are not enough, we need to be with tickets that are punched, inspected and collected. Laws are not enough, we need the Police to enforce them. All these things and many others to which we have grown as a custom than we have taken them for granted are due to our sin. WE CANNOT TRUST EACH OTHER, WE NEED PROTECTION FROM ONE ANOTHER. It is a sorry state of affairs.”

SACRIFICING LIFE – CHOOSE WISELY

What exactly means sacrificing one’s life?

“It simply means giving up something we dearly want for the sake of others’ happiness.”

In this selfish world, does it really happen?

Yes, it does. If you look around we can find an uncountable number of people who sacrifice every moment of their life for others. It is not the poor or just the rich, not just a man or a woman, everyone around you sacrifice their precious peace for someone else’s smile.

A daily wager, walks kilometers breaking their bones working hard to earn enough to feed their family. A maid works cleaning the filthier plates, clothes, and homes without any taking any, just to keep their family has enough income to teach their kids to help them be successful in their life. An IT employee works 24/7 sacrificing food, pleasure, family, friends and much more just to earn and save for the future.

If you look out there are many who does these mundane things sacrificing their precious life. But what do they gain?

Do they gain happiness?

Do they gain relations?

Do they gain health?

No. Ultimately they lose all these in the long run. They forget to live in the moment. Their sacrifices are never valued. They sacrifice themselves for the sake of others and finally, they are not rewarded for their efforts.

woman carrying baby at beach during sunset
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Motherhood is yet another sacrifice

Women are again embodiments of sacrifice. They sacrifice much more than needed for their children.

All this is out of Love – the only emotion that helps anyone let go of anything.

woman running
Photo by RUN 4 FFWPU on Pexels.com

Winner’s Sacrifice

Most hardworking people, sacrifice their free time and devote themselves to tasks that make them ultimate winners.

It is said that when you say ‘yes’ to one opportunity, it means you are saying ‘no’ to many other things in life. 

The true side of sacrifice

Image result for the true side of sacrifice"

The real fact which leads us to sacrifice is that we tend not to prioritize many things in our life.  And if we affirm that we are sacrificing something, then we are not enjoying what we do.

A mother never sacrifices her sleep, hunger, emotions, just like that for a baby. It is because she loves her child to the core. Similarly, everyone sacrifices only when they love doing it.

But there are some exceptions too.

Some merely hide their sorrows, sacrifices their emotions and then finally surrender themselves to the wicked world. But yet again, it is not the end of the world. There is always a  brighter side of life.

No sacrifice goes wasted. 

If you look in our Indian Society, mainly, there are thousands of women who being highly educated, get stuck indoors doing mere mundane tasks. Their dreams, their aspirations all go wasted in those four walls.

But why do they do it?

No women are weaker. They are stronger than they are assumed to be. The moment any woman decides to set themselves free from all these, they can just walk away.

But here again, they sacrifice for the sake of others’ happiness. All they do is expect a miracle to happen one fine day, where their loved ones see their immeasurable sacrifice and appreciate them.

Yet, again their sacrifices are so used to by others, that they never escape from them. Some sacrifices become compromises in life and it is hard to escape them.

Certain Sacrifices are worth taking

It is important to sacrifice certain habits, that really put us in trouble. Certain things like improper meals, unhealthy habits, lack of exercise, overdoing certain things for others, etc. can be sacrificed for your betterment.

To wrap Up

Choose wisely, before you do something for someone. Some sacrifices are to be well-considered choices while some others are better to be avoided for your peace of mind. Life is just one, a gift of breathing that you get. A time that cannot be captured back, hence living for yourself is a priority to be considered amidst living for others.

TOO MUCH DWELLING ON PAST, HOW HELPFUL IS IT?

Time – an omnipresent factor that runs our entire life.  Birth is recorded so is death in measuring units called hours, minutes and seconds which is basically Time. Past, present and future all have yardstick of years, months and days, it’s nothing but Time. We have bad times and good times, registered as moments and memories but Time nonetheless.  Time never stops and ceases. If every matter is made up of cells then every matter is run by Time. Anyone from 1980’s era in India and who have seen Mahabharat on national television would understand and relate to “Main Samay Hoon” (I am The Time) pretty much summarising what I said 😁.

There’s a saying “Time once spent can’t be earned back unlike money” and it’s a fact to the core.  We all have moments in our lives, where we dwell on our past and constantly wish how different the course of events could have been. A different action, a different desicion, a timely intervention, sometimes a delay perhaps could have chalked out an entire different picture to be enjoyed or cherished now.

Certain incidents/ desicions I regret the most in my life : I could have chosen computer science over commerce and that would have helped me fetch a job here in this foreign land, something I dearly yearn for. I could have done a certified professional course that could have added some volume to my dull CV. I could have had a bit prolonged career before I my wedding.

More or less I have more regrets concerning my professional decisions for I am unemployed for a decade now, something I have mentioned time and again in my write ups. Pondering over and over on those moments over a period of time now (see Time, I told you 😁) haven’t brought me any solace but some sense to say the least. Wondering how?

When I am lost in my search for answers in my past, my idleness in present questions me “you can’t anyways undo your past, what is your stand in present to make you stand in future? Why you are unearthing melancholy when your smiles and peace lie in discovery and exploration. When you have ideas, share them. When you have plans put them into action and see the drama unfold.”

Sounds too preachy right? But this is a reality I am living in. My tussle with time is on a different level. Every morning while busy in chores I think about my past, when done with morning routines my urge to relax myself overpowers my will to write blogs (in this context I thank Candles Online to give me impetus strong enough to write at least once a week 😁), paint or at least finish cleaning up of house (😁, don’t jump to the conclusion that we live in shabby and unhygienic conditions, it’s just that it is not presentable round the clock) to an extent that I end up procrastinating things on more than one occasion and by the evening I participate in a race against time to finish off pending chores before hitting the bed and on bed I toss planning to start a fresh day with renewed determination to make my own identity and announce it to the world and my family and again I loiter in the past (recent one though 🤣🤣) thinking I shouldn’t have wasted My Precious Time for once it’s gone it’s gone forever.  It’s a cycle you see!

And it’s much vicious than that of poverty and complicated than that of a life cycle. Once you are a “procrastinator” then you certainly need a greater push to get out of that habit. Not yearly resolutions but we need a daily resolution to keep our “regret” mode at bay. And trust me my run is so on! 😁.

My Personal Realization: How I acted in past have strong reasons underlining them and thus they were apt then. My constant rant now can only earn me some sympathy sometimes but not useful anyways 😊.  And I am not taking any or requisite amount of steps as an amendment, does it make sense?

So how often do you Procrastinate and regret? If you are like me, then join the club not to boast but to fight our bad habit and put our Time to a better use other than for dwelling and digging past for if its bitter it won’t be better now either.

**** Thumb Rule for Procrastination:  You lose your right to complain if you don’t act on time or dont act at all.*****

Remember this and march forward for past is so over, let it rest in peace 😁.

 

THE TRANSIENCE OF EPHEMERAL GLORIES

Last week, the wooden doors of the wall-built cupboard in my rented apartment had to be torn apart as they were eaten up from the inside by a host of termites. The idea was to get a termite treatment done. But on examination, the pest control treatment team found out that the wood was badly damaged and should not be let to remain in place. As they were tearing apart the doors (the house being more than 25 years old), I was thinking about the forefathers of fathers of my landlord who would have got the house constructed with lofty dreams before them. What satisfaction would it have given them to see the house in its completed form, the happiness they would have had in proudly showing the house to relatives and friends, and the house-warming celebration they would have had! And yet, now a part of it had to be pulled apart! A thing that seemed to be an accomplishment of sorts a few decades back, was gradually losing the sheen.

This made me think about the various things in life that we consider to be vital, little realising that they are soon to pass away. Not to mean in the least that we need not dwell on the essentials of life – but to make ourselves think deeper rather than reveling in the seeming permanence of life itself.

Life

The fullness of life on earth itself is deceptive. Life on earth is, but, for a few years. Record holders of the present age have set the finishing line to the 100s – 143 years is the maximum that I have heard of. Be it for a century or half a century or even lesser, earthly life sure comes to an end. Yet, how often we dream and plan for our lives as if it is forever on this earth! Wouldn’t it be more purposeful to invest in the lives around us for the little joys of a day that they may experience? “Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away.”

The assets, accolades and accomplishments of life don’t make life full. It is wise to accept that we are sojourners and pilgrims on this earth. It is worthwhile to build castles in the hearts of people rather than erect mansions or run the mad race for achievements for  the sake of self-glory. Live each day as if it is your last – goes the wise word. Not in the fear of tomorrow. Not with the mind of a pessimist who doesn’t want to see another day. Live each day to the fullest so that if you close your eyes tomorrow you will have nothing to lose, but much to gain in eternity.

The Bard of Aven with his wisdom writes thus, “All the world’s a stage and all the men and women merely players: they have their exits and their entrances.”

Wealth

In my Career Counselling sessions with adolescents, the one common desire that is expressed by them is, “I want to become rich.” Though I try to explain that amassing wealth is not the only hallmark of success, I believe that experience would help drive home the point better than a Counsellor. But why think of adolescents alone! Don’t adults cringe, crave and aspire for more wealth? How often we see and experience conflicts and killings over worldly assets – be it for property or money! The fight for rights destroys families and relationships and gives rise to endless lawsuits. Knowing the fleeting nature of life itself, wouldn’t it be more worthwhile to sacrifice our assets to maintain the sweetness of relationships, instead? A ravaging flood, the fury of a hurricane, a devastating earthquake, a raging fire – and the lofty mansions of today turn into the ruins of tomorrow!

“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.”

Before he died, Alexander the Great instructed his soldiers to make two holes in his coffin on either sides so that his hands would be exposed. In doing so, he wanted to show to the world that even the great conqueror left the world empty-handed.

Life, or rather the seeming permanence of life and wealth are two of the major deceptions that cause us to lose focus. It is not wrong to enjoy life, nor is it a sin to be wealthy. But, to live our lives as if life itself is all and to blindly aspire to be wealthy – are surely deceptions that we can be aware of.

 

Sacrifice in Marriage – Give in or Give up?

When I was a young adult, I often asked my mother, who worked only a few years in her otherwise housebound life, why she did not pursue a career as a professor when she was offered the job after she got married to my father. Or I would ask her why she always waited upon my father to start with dinner. Or I would quiz her on why she did not cook things that she liked to eat more often. The answer was always the same – sacrifice; my father liked it that way.

Then there were times when I would wonder why my Father, who’s a businessman, never switched over to riskier but possibly, more rewarding business ventures; or did not take that overseas job when he could have. His answer too would be the same – sacrifice; it would have been hard on my mother and us kids.

Then a few years back, I came to learn that the husband of one of my closest friends had been cheating on her for several years. They were on the brink of a divorce. But in the end, she forgave him and is now trying to build a new life for both of them. When I asked her why she forgave him, she gave me the same answer.

Then when I got married, my parents gave me this piece of advice –

Keep your ego aside in your marriage. Love unconditionally. Adapt, adjust, compromise and sacrifice. But always stand up for what’s right.

With that in mind, I compromised on a lot of things in my married life – a career, a beloved city, changed my habits, my attire, who I hung out with, and many more things. But that doesn’t mean that only I changed. My husband made changes in his life too. He quit some habits I didn’t approve of. He now eats whatever I put on the table, even if he doesn’t like it. He will do things and go to places only because I want to go there. And the biggest adjustments and sacrifices in our marriage came when our daughter was born.

I think you may have understood by now what this article is about – sacrifice in marriage. It sounds scary, the word sacrifice, like one of those words that sound daunting and depressing, like the word death. But mostly, sacrifice in marriage comes from the little changes we make in our lives to keep harmony and love in the marital home. Sacrifices, along with love, trust, forgiveness, friendship and communication, make the foundation of a happy marriage.

It does not matter how small the sacrifice is – giving up your side of the bed to your partner who prefers that side, changing the brand of your tea because it doesn’t suit your allergic partner, giving up a career or a particular job to rear up your children – as long as it’s a change you made by suppressing your personal preference for something that brings peace and happiness in your relationship, it will be a bona fide sacrifice.

Sacrifices, or let’s just call them adjustments to make them sound less daunting, show your partner and your family that you truly love and care for them; to let go of what you like, and make space for them instead. It’s easy to say ‘I love you’, but it’s difficult to prove it. But one way of proving to your partner is to love them unconditionally and change your lifestyle to make things easier for your relationship.

So if you wake up earlier than everyone, to make your husband a fresh meal for the work, it is a sacrifice that shows you love him. And in turn if your husband gives up a few minutes of his time to clean up the kitchen after dinner, that is a sacrifice that shows he loves and cares for you. That’s what families do – make adjustments for each other and love each other unconditionally.

Whether to give in to your spouse’s demands or give up on the marriage depends on the kind of sacrifices or the frequency thereof. For there are good sacrifices and bad sacrifices too. The difference between them is that while the former empowers the marital home as a whole, the latter only empowers the bully in the relationship. I’ll give you an example of both –

The above example of making a fresh meal for the husband while sacrificing your sleep, is an example of a good sacrifice, because it ensures that your husband is taken care of while he works. You do it out of love and concern for him. But even sacrificing your ego and forgiving your spouse for an occasional lapse in sanity or good temper, is also a good sacrifice. Afterall, that’s what spouses do, stick together through thick and thin, good and bad, in health and sickness.

But if these occasional lapses become a usual thing in your family, then it’s time to stop sacrificing and stand up for your rights. It’s not a sacrifice when you stay quiet over a grave matter like child abuse or domestic violence, or constant bickering and being taken for granted. Forgiveness is one thing, but there’s no place for violence and maltreatment in a marriage. Bending to someone’s will for something that is unfair or wrong, more than a few times, is not a sacrifice.

In the end we must remember that all relationships require some sort of adjustments in our behaviours. That’s what living in a society is all about. If we all started to only think for ourselves, we would have anarchy. But the most demanding relationships are those in the immediate family – husband-wife and parents-kids. They require an uncountable number of sacrifices, some of them even downright unfair. It is upto us to decide where we give unconditional support and where we draw the line.

I leave you with this apt quote on what marriage is really about by Darlene Schacht –

Marriage is a thousand little things… It’s giving up your right to be right in the heat of an argument. It’s forgiving another when they let you down. It’s loving someone enough to step down so they can shine. It’s friendship. It’s being a cheerleader & trusted confidant. It’s a place of forgiveness that welcomes one home, and arms they can run to in the midst of a storm. It’s grace.

Pradita Kapahi.