REGRETS HAVE NO VALUE – VI

Nina mentally chided herself “Why did I let my mind wander into the past? This is such an important presentation. I need to stay focused.” Thanks to her boss Mr. Mathur she had got this opportunity to present her project in the company board meeting. “Nina this is a huge break. Stay Calm..  Focus…”   She composed herself and entered the room. The entire top management of the company and the board members were present. She slipped on her professional look mask and started the presentation.

Nina was always very brilliant in public speaking and as usual she gave an excellent presentation. The applause of approval and the impressed look on the face of CEO Mr. Nandan said it all. Nina was basking in the attention and appreciation she was getting. This was what she had worked her whole life for. Finally in her professional life she was getting her due credit and appreciation for her work.  

“Finally? This is what I always wanted. Wasn’t it? Why am I not happy?” A little thought niggled into her mind. Time and again Nina‘s eyes were sweeping through the audience as though looking for someone. Nina could not admit even to herself that she half expected to meet Ankit today.

“Do I want to see him again or not? Why am I so restless on such a momentous occasion?”  “Nina madam please join us for a group photograph.”

Her train of thoughts was interrupted. And Nina was again drawn into the melee around her.

Group photo was followed by corporate lunch.

By the time Nina got free and reached back to her hotel it was already 4 pm.

“Nina Massi!!” Someone shrieked and she turned. Two cute little four year olds came rushing towards her and jumped up to hug her. She could barely catch them.

“When did you come Massi? What did you bring for us? How long will you stay with us?” The barrage of questions started. Nina hugged Kiara and Riya and answered their questions patiently. Diana was standing behind them. Smiling and watching “How happy Nina Di looks when she is with my daughters Kiara and Riya.

When Diana came to know that Nina Di was coming to Bangalore she decided to make a quick trip from Mysore and meet her even if it was only for a couple of hours.

Once the kids were settled with chocolates and gifts. Nina and Diana sat in the hotel room for a chat over a cup of hot ginger tea. Diana’s favourite..

Life’s experiences has shaped the two sisters so differently. While Nina grew up so bitter with her parents because of their fights and behaviour. Diana’s belief in love and marriage never diminished. Maybe because Nina always shielded her baby sister from their parents. Nina bore the brunt of their anger but never let her little sis suffer.

“Did you meet him, Di?” Diana asked. “No, Diana I am here for work.”

“Don’t lie to me Di. I can see it in your eyes. You miss him. A part of your life was forever lost. When he left.”

I don’t wanna talk about it Diana. Please let’s not look for a story where there is none… Ankit is my past and I have no intentions to bring him into my present again”

(Image Source: Google Inc.)

Diana knew Nina Di was not being entirely truthful but she did not goad her further.

They had some quick snack at Mac Donalds. Kiara and Riya kept up a constant chatter and entertained Nina. Their energy was so infectious! All four of them were eating and laughing at their silly jokes and antics.

Finally it was time for Diana and the kids to go back. Both the kids were already very sleepy and would doze off in the car.

Before getting into the taxi. Diana hugged her sister and said “Don’t you wanna meet Ma? She is old now. Doesn’t keep well also.”

“You haven’t met her for so many years now. Can’t you forgive her?”

Nina had no answers.. She waved them good bye and went back to her hotel room.

REGRETS HAVE NO VALUE – V

Ankit tried to listen carefully to the speaker. He was attending a seminar on self-development which the company he worked for conducted quarterly with an aim to help the employees to deal with issues like stress, work-life balance, and workplace setbacks. Ankit doubted if these sessions ever impacted the people holding the managerial posts in improving their behavior in certain instances, but he did realize that these were necessary. It helped people if they knew that the others too faced problems of a similar kind. And the sharing really helped the employees to feel better and build more meaningful connections with their co-workers.

The speaker called out if anyone wanted to share anything. Ankit raised his hand. He spoke on gratitude. When he spoke the audience felt Ankit believed in everything what he was saying. They seemed to enjoy it.

Ankit’s positivity endeared him to the people. It had always been his strength. He ended with a quote by Rumi, “Wear gratitude like cloak and it will feed every corner of your life.” Ankit beamed as he saw the people smiling at him.  He felt privileged to feel happiness once again.

The episode with Nina had left Ankit heartbroken. He had genuinely loved her but for some reason she rejected him. Ankit often thought if Nina had been honest with him. There was something in her refusal which he felt was out of place. Nina had carefully, cautiously uttered a “yes” when he had asked her if she loved someone else. And if she had really loved someone else all that time the two wouldn’t have developed such an immense chemistry. With time Ankit became sure Nina had lied to him and there must have been a different reason which made her refuse him.

Whatever it may be Ankit chose to move on. He did not hold any sort of grudge against Nina. He did struggle initially after his heartbreak. His mom’s love and affection had prevented him from falling into depression. After leaving his job he immersed himself into poetry for a while. He had always loved poetry: Hindi, Urdu, English, all of it. Poetry made him take up English literature for his undergrad and he really loved it. Although, content-writing wasn’t as interesting or creative as poetry it helped Ankit to pay the bills. He was very sincere, hard-working and great company to be with which helped him to find employment again. And when there was a good position available, and due to his past affiliation, he joined back the company where he had once worked with Nina.

(Image Source: Google Inc.)

Love finally made its way into Ankit’s life again. And five years after his tryst with Nina, Ankit tied the knot with Nisha. Nisha interestingly shared Ankit’s love for poetry and taught English. There was something in Nisha’s mannerisms which reminded Ankit of Nina which made him irresistible to her. He made sure he was honest with Nisha about his past. He wasn’t sure if this revelation would work in his favour but he wanted Nisha to know about this. Nisha was flattered and surprised but accepted the past. Where Nina lost, Nisha had found herself an endearing partner for life.

REGRETS HAVE NO VALUE – IV

Nina decided to have a quick cup of Java before the meeting commences. She went to the vending machine and made herself a cup of Espresso and sat down in the waiting lounge with her styrofoam cup. Her mind wandered as she sipped the steaming cup of coffee. It wounded through the mist of time, travelling through the fog of memories to her 12th birthday. She had been a girl full of life and lustre, but her shine was dimmed by the dust of a loveless home and uncaring parents.

She had been sitting in her home’s sitting room, wearing a new dress, waiting for her father to come home with her birthday cake and presents. She had especially asked him to get her an easel, as she loved to paint and a box of the extensive choice of oil paints. Her li’l sister Diana was skipping around her, brimming with palpable excitement. She was hungry and could not wait to taste the many delicacies her mom was preparing in the kitchen. She went to their mother and hugged her midriff as she was frying piping hot Samosas in a wok.

“Mommy, when will we eat?” Little Diana asked as she eyed the food on the kitchen counter.

Her mother smiled at her and told: “Let Daddy come home with Nina’s birthday cake, and we will all eat together.” But her mother took a plate, kept two Samosas on it and gave it to Diana and told her to share it with Nina.

Both sisters were eating the Samosa with delight when the landline rang, and their mother came from the kitchen with a ladle in her hand to attend the call, wiping her sweaty brow on her apron. She talked on the phone for a while, and as she hung up, the sisters saw that their mothers body language had changed completely.

She came to them and said in a stern voice “Come Nina, Diana, let’s sit down to eat, it’s already very late.”

Nina looked up at her mother with wide eyes “But why Mommy, Dad is yet to come ?”

Her mother turned to her with anger in her eyes “You are a fool if you entertain your petty mind with such ideas that your Dad will come early tonight with arms full of presents for you. No one is coming. He will get late.” She told full of angst.

Nina was in tears upon hearing this, and she sat down with her head in her lap. “I won’t eat. I will wait for Dad. I have been waiting for this moment a whole month.” the 12 yr old Nina had revolted brazenly.

“Nina don’t be difficult. I am already on the edge of my patience with you Dad; now you don’t get on my nerves and add to my woes. Just come and eat so we can all sleep.” Her mother shrieked, and Nina cowered with fear.

“But Mom, I want cake too.” Diana had said in her sweet sing-song voice.

“This is my last warning to you both. COME AND HAVE DINNER OR SLEEP HUNGRY.” their mother said with a threateningly low voice as her lips trembled with the effort it took to control her anger.

“Mom please don’t scold Diana. She doesn’t know.”Nina had wanted to defend Diana when her mother had raised the ladle and brought down her hand on Diana’s head. Nina had thrown Diana out of harm’s way, and the ladle came down upon her head as blood gushed out from her forehead and she fainted.

(Image Source: Google Inc.)

As she was losing all sight and sense of sound, she could hear faint calls of ‘Nina, Nina, wake up, Nina!!!’

Nina jolted and looked around feeling disoriented. What was she doing here in this suave lobby? Wasn’t she just hit by her mother on the forehead? It took her few seconds to get hold of her surroundings. She saw a woman standing by her side and calling her name. “Ms Nina Parker. The meeting is about to commence, and they are all waiting for you.”

Nina nodded and got up from her seat as she straightened her skirts and shook her head to clear it from the haunting memories of childhood.

REGRETS HAVE NO VALUE – III

As Nina entered the meeting room, she stood for a moment gazing round the crowded room. Her eyes fixated on the tall narrow windows overlooking the park in the middle of hustle and bustle of the city, she had spent countless moments, discussing, arguing and sharing love noting’s by the window during their short ‘coffee breaks’. She used to look at him in unconcealed delight and he enthralled her each time, even when they whispered ‘goodbye’.

 “Will you reply to one of my questions” Ankit asked on the day of his farewell looking outside, avoiding her gaze. His pain could be felt in his voice.

“Ask…”

“Why do I need to forget you forever? If you tell me that you don’t love me, I can still live with that but please tell me, are you in love with some else? I will never show my face again!”

Her mind went blank, she tried hard to reason him earlier as well but he kept asking the same question over and over again.

‘Yes!’ Cold as she was, her heart burning in flames.

He handed her a note and made his way out, without even looking at her.

“Here she is! Let us start the presentation” Mr Mathur, her boss a seemingly nice person in his middle forties announced as he saw her entering.

Reality struck her as she greeted him with a smile. The room was full of people standing about in groups or sitting on the damask-covered chairs drinking coffee.

(Image Source: Google Inc.)

When she finished, several praised her succinct presentation. She nodded her thanks and blew a tuft of her bangs in relief. Mr Mathur, was so impressed that he asked her to make the presentation at the Board meeting in Bangalore in a week. She accepted with a slight nod and a humble “It will be my privilege to”.

‘Bangalore’ isn’t this where, Ankit was? She reasoned herself; would I be able to see him, talk to him again? He shifted there soon after he left his job and her. She kept hearing from her colleagues that he had joined the branch office in Bangalore and secretly kept longing to see him some day.

Emotions crowded her again. She wept for hours standing by the window as Ankit left her alone that day.

She opened the note he gave her, it read:

“In this life of rushed decisions, wrong turns and spectacular messes, you were the only person that made me feel right, But guess I was wrong! You proved me wrong, proved us wrong!

Even then if I ever get a chance, even if my life would be impossibly knotted, I’ll try and untangle yours in whichever way I can.”

After a week, she reached the Garden city, and hired a taxi to office. She gave her name at the reception and was directed to the seating area. A quick glance at the wall clock confirmed that she was ten minutes early and it wasn’t until it showed nine ‘O’ clock that the meeting will start.

— Visit Dr. Ashrita Saran’s blog named: Life Images 

REGRETS HAVE NO VALUE – II

As her car driver made his way through the heavy traffic, Nina picked up from where her thoughts had trailed off. This was not the first time that she had allowed her mind to wander off in the direction of her past. Still, it seemed as a fresh gush of thoughts.

It was not as if only Ankit was shattered that day when she had refused his proposal. She was broken too! Broken within, but wearing a bold outward appearance. She had to. She could not let Ankit see her heart break into smithereens. How else, would he then move away from her? How else, would he be able to pick himself up and move on in life? Love can’t bear to see the loved one in pain.

She had gulped her tears in silence. A hundred thoughts kept shooting across her mind that day. Would she able to carry on with life without Ankit? How would she overcome this deep chasm? She felt as if she was alone in the storm and her anchor was slipping away from her. Would she survive or sink?

What had made Nina decide to move away from Ankit? Didn’t she love him? She knew she did. And she was sure of his love for her too.

“Answer me, why?”, Ankit had asked. Nina had answered with silent tears. Not a word.

How much she blamed herself for the betrayal! She couldn’t look at herself in the mirror. She had played with Ankit’s feelings and had left him when she didn’t want to commit. How selfish she had been!

Ankit had resigned from the job and had moved to another town immediately afterwards.

The reason why Nina had hesitated to commit to Ankit that day seemed less significant today. Perhaps she should have taken the risk!

Risk?? Startled by the word, she asked herself, “Is love a risk?” No, it is not. “Is commitment a risk?” Probably, yes. “Is commitment in love, a risk?” Probably, yes too! But, then that’s what life is!

She had discussed the entire episode with her psychologist – Dr. Laura, who had been a friend, guide and Counsellor to her for the past many years. Nina had decided to seek therapeutic care for herself when she arrived at the conclusion that she needed to come out from a traumatic childhood, which had resulted in Sleep Disorders.

Her father had worked for the government while her mother was a teacher. Nina was the elder of two siblings – her sister being five years younger to her. From the time she had gained understanding, Nina was witness to the daily episodes of parental dispute. Adding on to the trauma, was her mother’s harsh treatment towards her (which Nina later got to know from her therapy sessions, to be her mother’s way of taking out her own frustration of being ill-treated and unloved by her husband).

(Image Source: Google Inc.)

As a child, she grew with the impression that she was unwanted. Her parents fought savagely. Her mother hated her. There was no joy and peace in life. She had once thought of committing suicide. But, that time her godly grandmother had stopped her and had comforted her. Her grandmother had told her that day, “Nina, life is God’s precious gift to you. You are special. Don’t give up your life for the wrongdoings of others. Live your life for yourself and for the glory of God.”

These strong words had stayed with Nina all the years of her life.

But she had decided even as a child, that she would never commit to a man. She would under no circumstances go through what her mother had gone through. She would not let another generation of children suffer the way she and her sister had suffered.

 

REGRETS HAVE NO VALUE – I

Nina is sitting alone in her balcony, lost in deep thoughts. She can find no one of her own in the crowd moving down there on the streets.  She can’t even find anybody in her 1200 square feet, well-furnished flat in Salt Lake, Kolkata apart from herself living all alone. She has friends, colleagues and chat pals but everybody goes back to their own lives every time where they have their loved ones whom they can count as their own, but she returns back and finds only herself to live with.

She sits sipping coffee from her mug, early in a winter morning. The sun rose and shone upon her bright, making her see what had happened in her life 13 years ago.

She was welcomed by her new colleagues on her joining in the new office. She was just 27 years old that time. She was young, vibrant, energetic and a very cheerful girl. There was a boy of around 25 years old among the colleagues. He also came and introduced himself. He was Ankit Kumar. He was as cheerful as her. They immediately became friends. They used to sit in front of each other and talk in the office room whenever they got opportunities or had leisure. She started liking him and he seemed to like her too. She felt they were both in the same emotional level as they used to understand even a small insinuation of each other.  They started to care for each other; about what they eat, what they drink, where they go, with whom they talk. They started fighting and supporting for each other as well.

(Image Source: Google Inc.)

Days passed by and they became more and more intimate on an emotional level as she managed to keep herself away from him for being intimate physically. The growing intimacy made her to think that they were in love… She was confused, yet Ankit’s warmth made her feel very comfortable. But there was something that had always kept her to be on the back foot to commit to the relationship that had been growing from strength to strength every new day. She reckoned him as a person who had a heart of gold and extremely jovial. She literally adored him and cared for him as much as she could have. She loved it when he was around her… She used to love reading his love poems written for her…

But she denied him at the end of the sixth month of their knowing each other… He was deeply hurt… He had to walk away after pleading with her desperately to know the reason of her indifference and denial though she never shared her heart with him that day or ever…

Nina came back to her senses hearing the sweet soothing ringtone of her cell phone. She picked it up and spoke to her client while checking the time… “Yes… yes… I apologise for the delay, I am starting right away for the meeting… will surely reach within an hour…”

She hung up and got ready before going out of her flat and faded away in the street into her daily chores of life.

DEAR FUTURE, AM READY

Every dawn is a beginning

Every nightfall is the break

nothing is an end to anything

Every dream begins when 

we decide

Let every step you take 

lead you to the right path

A New Year !! A New Beginning !!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For everyone, a New Year is a beginning,

A time

to realign their goals

work on their shortcomings

rework or at times start afresh.

All the past years, for me a New Year came and went as yet another normal day. There was never a celebration or a get-together. It was just a normal day to look forward to. As usual, I used to wake up and start my things. And yes, the only difference was that the inbox was filled with wishes, to give a feel of New Year.

A complete normal day for me. I wondered why everyone made up resolutions on that day. I could never even plan my day, hence never looked ahead for a year. I enjoyed living in the flow, a better way of unplanned life.

A new beginning for me was the time when I realized when I was becoming a mom. The moment a life began growing up inside me, I always looked ahead for the new day, a new change and a perfect beginning. Every day my kids brought me a new challenge to work on. As they grew up, the challenges and my tasks differed, yet I looked forward to a new day and ushered a better day for them to enjoy and create memories.

Even though every day brings me a new ray of hope, I work hard or at time experience a lazy day to make my day better and even better, to cherish my favorite life am blessed with. I wait for the moments that uncontrollably happen to create memories that I want to cherish.

As we are moving ahead, let us be optimistic and grab every opportunity that comes in our way.

Be happy, be polite, take up adventures and love your self.

Uncage all your positive thoughts and embrace your negativities. Learn from your mistakes, and inspire your self 

Mistakes are the reasons that you are working on and on. So make mistakes enjoy your learning.

Glance through your past, only take the best lessons from it.

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If you have not decided what to start on, then its time to think and decide. Let us make every moment a fresh start – a start to bring about a brand new ending.

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Do not over think about your yesterday, and spoil your Today.

Pray well, Embrace God’s will as it is the best to trust HIM.

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I wish you all A very Happy New Year.

Hope this year create fond memories in your life. Bring life to your dreams.

Walk towards your dreams, conquer them and be You always.

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