COST OF BITTERNESS

Sana was extremely angry at her husband “How dare he say something like this about my body in front of his friends? He doesn’t love me anymore. He only likes to make fun to me.” She even fought with him which only landed in a few more blames games and finger pointing.

This did not end just a few days. He continued to mock her and she continued to feel disappointed, rejected and angry. Gradually, that anger turned into resentment. She started disliking her husband. Everything that he did – she would resent.

On Valentine’s day when he came home with a bunch of red roses – instead of feeling special, Sana said “After 5 years of marriage, you don’t even know that I hate red roses. You should have got me carnations. You don’t know me at all. You never even make an effort to know what I like and dislike.” One can imagine how there Valentine’s night would have ended.

As a little girl Sana was physically abused by her Uncle. This is deep dark secret inside her heart that nobody knows not even her husband. From that age, she started to dislike her body and feels horrible about it. She doesn’t like the touch of her husband nor does she enjoy being intimate with him. She has a very poor relationship with her own body so even a slight remark about her body makes her angry. This is something that her husband doesn’t know and resentment also grows inside of him because of Sana’s bitterness.

Bitterness in life usually comes in because of some injustice that has happened to a person. It is a state of persistent resentment which has resulted from a combination of anger, rejection, frustration and injustice. Bitterness is a state of mind when no stimulus is a positive stimulus. All that happens around that person is bad/wrong.

Such people very well know that if they let go off this bitterness, life can be merrier but they still hold on to this resentment as if this is a life-saving boat for them. Why is it so?

Being bitter or resented has its own gains but these are very selfish and short term gains. For example –

  • Being right or proving the other person wrong
  • Gaining sympathy/importance of others
  • Need to hurt somebody else and hence feeling superior or powerful
  • Seeing yourself as a victim “always” and hence feeling helpless and powerless

These are some examples of what a person gains by being bitter.

However, there is also a huge cost compared to the gain. For example, Cost of bitterness can be:

  • Lose loving relationships
  • Prolong mental and emotional pain
  • Leads to long lasting anxiety and depression
  • Lose out on joyful moments of life
  • Resentment is a huge stress. Ageing quickly because of this mental stress
  • Affinity to diseases because of this bitterness. Impact on physical health is immense.

Remember negativity only breeds itself.

Do you really want to choose a short term gain which comes at such a huge cost?

Just take a step back from your situation and you will be able see what is the short term gain you are running after whereas you losing out so much on life by paying the cost for it.

Often when I get bitter in my life – I just ask a question “Is being right more important than having a loving relationship?” And almost instinctively I know the answer.

DELIBERATION LEADS TO LIBERATION

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Anger is something which is very common and very difficult issue to deal with. I struggle daily. I try to keep my anger as my slave but the reverse always happens.

We had a good week discussing about anger with lots of ideas regarding what anger is and what it can do and there were also many suggestions, advises and steps to get rid of anger.

But one thing I marked in all the discussions that the step to manage anger is an act of deliberation. We have to take steps deliberately to get rid of our angry attitude.

Whether we move out from the place where anger can be flared or say a sweetest ever sorry to the person concerned, are deliberate actions.

Instead of getting angry we can also take a deliberate step of taking a time out or few seconds off to get the right perspective by going for a jog or doing something else than moving around the “anger spot.”

It is a deliberate action to keep our mouth shut and not utter a single word when we are angry or else we can hurt so many people. Another instance will be when we come across a person who is often angry with us, we should make sure we treat him well so that we heap coals of fire on his head.

We need to understand the fact that we can only control our own selves, the sooner we realize that, the sooner we’ll be on our way to mastering our anger.

We all know when anger takes over awful things can happen. Anger is a bondage. It’s a natural emotion but if not controlled at the right time it can be devastating even to the point of murder. As the scripture says –

“Be angry [at sin—at immorality, at injustice, at ungodly behavior], yet do not sin; do not let your anger [cause you shame, nor allow it to] last until the sun goes down.”

Let’s be liberated from the bondage of anger by deliberately taking the steps that can put off the anger within us.

Stay Blessed!!!

MOVE – OUT & SWEET SORRY!!!

ANGER” is deeply rooted in human life & sometimes we feel like using our ‘Anger’ as if it is our birth-right. Sometimes a small kid also yells at his mother when his mother stops him to play in the mud. Anger can easily be found in all starting from a one year kid to an old person. “We all begin and end our lives with anger and anger only, but what do we get out of it all?” – This question pricks me sometimes.

In my life I have done many mistakes due to my short-tempered attitude. In my last interview, my Director asked two questions and the most embarrassing question for me was, “you have written your weakness is “short-temper” and if you remain like this, how can you work with us?” So, ‘Anger-Management’ is still one of my learning factors.

Thomas A’ Kempis  says, Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be, since you can make yourself as you wish to be”. That’s true indeed, when someone causes us pain, we immediately get angry with that person and try to do our best to correct that person, but all the while holding our anger. Once, a very dear person to me did something wrong and that resulted in an unbearable pain/heart break. And then out of anger I wrote a letter to that person which is the worst letter I have written till date (literally full of slangs), which even today after my realization I cannot correct. So I urge you never to do such foolish things in order to prove yourself.

In my struggle with managing my anger I discovered two beautiful solutions;

  1. Move-out: Years back my uncle taught me a very beautiful thing – move-out. Moving out from the place/situation which causes you to anger. If you are in your office/home/peer group and something takes place which literally makes you angry, then immediate (asap) move-out from that place. Try to do something good or your most favorite work. Like, take a long ride, listen to your all time hit songs, go-out to play or eat your most favorite food. This effort of yours will change your mind. Unless and until we forget our anger we cannot live happily. The Bible says, “In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” (Ephesians 4:26). Holding our anger is giving sin a foothold, which later on turns into our graveyard causing us to do some crime or earn unnecessary sickness.
  1. Sweet Sorry: Anger always breaks our relationship but the sweet word “Sorry” restores our broken relationship. Today late in the afternoon I had a beautiful experience of it. “I went to the State Bank of India to deposit some money. At the counter, the bank employee unknowingly gave me the token number for normal cash deposit whereas he was supposed to give me the Green-Card cash deposit token and then he went outside. After a long time when my number came I went to the cash deposit counter but the banker refused to do my transaction because I was having the wrong token. Again I went to the 1st counter and questioned another man that, “why have you given me this token where as I have to deposit my cash by using Debit card?” And in return that man questioned me with little high pitch voice, “Did I give you? Then why are you questioning me?” With this reply from him, I failed to hold on to my patience and started screaming at him. Immediately, that man changed my token and as I was standing in the queue he came forward and very sweetly he asked me in Bengali that, “Dada, are you angry on me?” With a different look I said “NO” even though I was angry on him. But as I was standing there, God spoke to my heart that, “Still you are holding your anger! Look at that man he has forgiven you. Go and tell him ‘SORRY’.” Before leaving the bank I went to his desk and said “Dada, sorry to be angry upon you”. Immediately that person gave me a loving hug and came with me up to the entrance door”. That’s really so sweet!!! A simple word “Sorry” gave us another opportunity to come closer in our relationship, a loving hug in emotion and a great moment of remembrance. If a single word sorry can give us so many things then why don’t we be a good businessmen and achieve more in regard to Love and Relationship. The Bible says, Be kind to each other, sympathetic, forgiving each other as God has forgiven you through Christ” (Ephesians 4:32). That’s the reason why even though we are born and brought up in sin, still God loves us by forgiving our sins. Then being His creation why don’t we follow Him! In our relationship with our fellow human beings let’s say sweet sorries with forgiveness.

SHALL WE MOVE-OUT & SAY SWEET SORRY???

Stay tuned!!!!

HOW DO YOU CONTROL YOUR ANGER?

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All of us experience “uncontrollable rage” at times. It is a feeling of being out of control; it is an acute negative and evil feeling which I really cannot describe in words. I remember the first I got into an anger of this kind. It was a fight with my husband and I know that I was feeling completely taken over by somebody else. I said harsh and bitter things which I really did not mean but it was almost like a devil taken over me wanting to hurt everybody around me. I later realized that it was a feeling of extreme helplessness that made me so angry and so harsh.

Like they say – words once spoken cannot be taken back. Anger does no good to anybody. There have been instances where I have broken things in anger and hit myself (because I cannot hit the other person), only to deeply regret later on. Anger makes you do things that you could be extremely ashamed of.

After a couple of such incidents, I figured out a way to handle my anger. Every time I feel out of control and have an urge to spit out poison on the other person or go violent, I just take a second off to get the right perspective – then I just put on my running shoes and go for a jog. The first time I did this, I ended up running almost 5 Kilometers non-stop because there was just so much angry energy inside me. After the running, I usually get so tired that there is no energy left even to argue with somebody. Then usually the next day, I talk calmly with the concerned person to get issues resolved. I have even done this at my professional life as well and it works without fail for me.

This is my way to handle the uncontrollable rage, but everybody has a different way to do this. It is very important to know what works for you. It is also a test of your own will power.

So, take some time off and think what your behavior is when you are angry and what could work for you to get over that heated moment.