Quote of the day

You need not be disheartened at the failures, just try changing your mindset and perspective towards it.

I GAVE HIM THE SILENT TREATMENT AND HE DIDN’T EVEN NOTICE!!!

“He should know me by now. Doesn’t he know what I want?”

“If he has one ounce of common sense he would know what I am feeling”

These are the thoughts going on in the wife’s mind while hubby darling is watching television blissfully unaware of the turmoil going on is his wife’s mind. Isn’t this a common scenario in many households?

Boils down to only one thing – lack of communication.

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To start with I accept that I am not an expert in communications. At times my communication with my hubby leaves a lot to be desired. But after 16 years of marriage and observing many couples around me I can say one thing for sure.

That communication is the oxygen of relationship. It’s a relationship after all, with two separate individuals in it. Do you expect your spouse to be able to read your mind and understand what exactly you are feeling at the moment? Well, it’s really not possible. You need to share your feelings, your needs with your partner. Don’t just assume that he or she will know or rather should know. Sometimes we suffer the most when we don’t communicate but still expect others to understand us.

At times I have seen wives sitting calmly and showing no outward signs but inside their mind there is a huge conversation going on. The fight has already begun in their mind and they are ready to explode but outwardly they will appear very calm. So now God help the poor helpless husband who doesn’t suspect anything amiss and the explosion occurs.

There is of course the other side to the coin. Which I will call Over-Communication or nagging. Here again generally the wives are famous for nagging. They repeat the same thing over and over and communicate so much that it has the entirely opposite effect than what is desired. But look at it this was she cares for you so she nags you.

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One important aspect of communication is listening. Knowing that you are being heard is one of the experiences most likely to cement a feeling of connection to another. Remember communicating also means to listen and understand the other person’s point of view. Don’t just say your part, understand your partner’s perspective also. Only then we would be able to find a middle path which is acceptable to both.

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Let me sum it up in a few points:

  • The best way to communicate is to avoid extreme criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling.
  • Understand your partner’s way of communication. Some of them show with their actions that they care rather than words. Value their efforts instead of expecting things your way.
  • Your significant other is not a mind reader. Remember that!
  • Don’t keep your emotions bottled up. But at the same time don’t overdo the communication bit.
  • Be a good listener too. Try to understand the other person’s perspective.

And remember the three golden words we learnt in the nursery rhyme “Please, Sorry and Thank you”. Yes they work wonders in the adult life too. Try it!

HERE’S ANOTHER WAY TO LOOK AT FAILURE

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Earlier I had spoken about ceasing to live in failure and moving forward. But to most of us this would seem as a Herculean task as our mind replays the mishaps occurred to us again and again. However, we should make an attempt to believe that there is always a way out. No situation especially bad ones is constant. We have heard that time is the best healer but some questions pop in my mind. Do we really come out of our failed situations completely? Do we have the strength to visit those places in our minds years later without getting hurt?

When I questioned myself, I probably could answer and it was a yes. I viewed my bad times as a time of assessment. I was able to do a reality check on myself. It was an opportunity for me to look for good in the situation so that things can be better. There has to be some good in the failure that will inspire.

It was during this time that I had an urge to learn new things and make myself updated about the world around me. An android language learning application helped me to learn a foreign language along with which I concentrated on my passion as a dancer. We all have hobbies, interests and hidden talents. This is the time to discover and nurture them.

I found my way out of the failure when I chose to view it differently. I thought about what good it did to me and soon I encountered the strong and confident person who was hidden within me. My failure seemed to be a tiny error in front of the new achievements that I made.

Let us believe we are worthy of rewards even though at times we are at fault ’cause it would help us spring up to a height whenever we hit the bottom. It would be a wonderful gift from you to yourself.

Ruth Samarpita Sarkar