I HIDE YET, I SEEK

As a kid, we understood life is simple and sublime but as one-after-another birthday went by we rephrased our understanding “life needs to be polished time-to-time”. We realized – scarcely ever someone wants to reason our brokenness, inner wounds are ugly and stinky, each of us is intended to give our own definition on others misery, hence it is better to appear polish! How about texting back “I’m fine”? Well, that’s maybe he wants to hear and I’m giving validation to his formal behaviour. Since my childhood I was taught I need to heart-out but as I grew up, I taught myself “hide your feelings”. Hide and Seek was a game in our schooldays but NOW it is the tagline of our lifestyle.

At wits’ end, we get some pretty good revelations. While I in the same boat towards the end of 2018, like every other morning some of my contacts turned up with my question to them primarily and I used to answer “I’m fine, thank you” whereas a handful of good souls noticed my slowness and tried to reason it. Some of them went straight enough saying, “No, I notice something wrong you are going through. Tell me the truth. How can I help you, what can I pray for you”. Though I was not able to reveal them my secrets and they were not capable to bring solutions to my series of problems but their blissful words and caring heart were strong enough to relieve me from my dryness. Alongside, to some, whom I consider very close, I tried to explain and at times I hint in many ways on what I am racing along but alas. They were too busy! During that period once my cousin quoted me “It’s a time for you to do reality check!.

Astha was right in her article saying, “Hiding our heartaches are something we all do. When we do so, we expect someone would come and help us out of the situation whereas what happens next is just the opposite!” We, humans, have turned too busy and cosset to own life. We live in a world of Business and Professionalism, ‘why it’s a matter to think outside of myself!’. We all wear the mask of pretence all the time – I say, I am fine whereas my reality is contrary to the core”.    

There is an English proverb “INTENT IS PRIOR TO CONTENT…”

  • I look for your TIME! – A relationship is nourished when we spare time for our loved one. Often people hide their feelings and pretend to be fine because they do not find us sparing good time for them. One of God’s creational plan behind creating the humans (especially man and woman) is to have fellowship with each other and spending quality time with each other but alas. Nowadays, one of the striking issues of broken marriages and children-parent relationship are “lack of time”.    
  • I look for your INTEREST! – Time and Interest is clinging to one another. Without interest, sharing our time is meaningless and without sparing time, interest is also meaningless. One of my Board members always says, “Busy people are they who has time and knows where to spend it”. One of the biggest excuses we give today is, I’m too busy. Indeed, we all are and we all should be. But alongside we need to know how to manage time and where to invest interest. Before the creation of human, God said, “Let us make mankind in our own image, in our likeness and have fellowship with them and when He did it, He saw it very good”. Do you see an INTEREST in Him for us? That’s what we are intended to replicate in our human to human and human to God relationship as well.
  • I look for your TRUST! – It is the trust that weaves intimate bonding. The first blessing of God to human is, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over every living creatures”. Do you find the TRUST factor of God in us? But alas. We failed God and we do the same in our human relationships as well. Since ages, the breaking of trust is the root cause of the breaking of relationships. As a matter of fact, that’s what made me to decide to hide my heart though I seek to share with you.

IF THIS IS OUR STORY AND THIS IS OUR SONG,

THEN WHERE ARE WE HEADING ALONG?

In the Bible, God says,

“Come now, let us settle the matter,”. “I will forgive your sins and offenses”.

What do you say, shall we replicate the same in our relationship instead of hiding our heart?

Shall, we come together and settle the matter?

Let’s not pretend and play – “I HIDE YET, I SEEK”!

TO SAY OR NOT TO SAY, THAT’S THE QUESTION

The moment this topic “Hidden in my heart” was given, one of the hilarious incidents flashbacked in my mind and I immediately messaged my sister Prabhjot about it.

It was her tenth board exam that day and I walked down to the bus stop with her. On our way,  one of the neighbours shouted to Prabhjot, “Best of luck beta, do your best.”

Thank you aunty”,  replied Prabhjot sincerely. That was her simple reply to a simple wish. But in her mind,  there was something else. As we came to a distance from that neighbour, Prabhjot spoke her heart out to me – “Thank you, aunty, for reminding me that I have to put in my best,  else I was just going to while away my time in not writing the answers properly. Thanks for saving me.

We sisters burst out laughing till our stomach ached.

Now,  getting back to the serious stuff- hidden in my heart.

When someone asks, “how are you”, we simply reply, “fine,  thanks”, but many of us want to say much more like, “No, I am not fine. My maid didn’t turn up today, I had to do the cleaning chores myself, got my daughter ready for school, who told last night that she has to submit her science project today. So, I completed her project by waking up all night, and after 4 hours of sleep, I am here in your office, tired and sleep-deprived, for your stupid meeting, which could have waited. So, if you think, it’s ok, I am fine, having a great time.

Of course, we can’t say such statements to anyone, except with those whom we can share our thoughts and talks. And it’s better to talk out your heart to your near ones, whenever you feel heavy because that burden will weigh you down and bring in the negativity around you.

Recently, I was vacationing in my hometown, with my two sons. I was updating my pictures on social media after every event. Most of the people felt that I was having a great time. Of course,  I did, but that was only for a few 3-4 hours of a day. Rest 20 hours, I was busy in my permanent ‘refereeing’ job. Yes, I had a gala time indeed, but simultaneously had a terrible time in being a referee during the frequent quarrels between my sons. Shouting at them,  raising my pitch almost every 15 minutes, pulling my hair out, I almost felt that I made a mistake in coming with these two little monsters. Other than that, my summer holidays went smooth as silk (pun intended). Of course, all this can’t be put on social media. Thank God,  I have many ears to listen to the saga of my ordeals!

A couple of years more, as my near and dear ones say,  then it’s all going to be fine. As I wait for their sibling rivalry to turn into the best friendship, I will try being patient (as in sufferings). Till then I am fine,  thank you!

OPEN UP

Our heart has so many secrets. There is no such human who doesn’t have some secrets hidden in their heart. I too have the same in my heart. Some of them are hidden as I fear of the consequences the secret might bring when disclosed and some are hidden because I don’t want to share.

When I was a teenager, I thought, am I the only one having secrets? All those mockeries, bully and what not? I used to hide them in my heart and didn’t speak anything to anyone. Maybe because I didn’t find anyone so understanding and trustworthy.

Even our parents too, hide so much from us. They hide the financial challenges they go through and the sacrifices they make for us. They do so, only to make us feel happy and keep us away from the difficulties of life. Even today, my father never discloses his sufferings to me and my brother. Maybe because he doesn’t want to see his children worrying about anything.

Whenever we come to know about what he is hiding, we confront him saying, “Papa, you shouldn’t keep this problem to yourself. Please let us be your shoulder now.” But he never does so. However, later he speaks about his problem in a nutshell.

As I live in a city far from my hometown, I give my best to solve my problems on my own. There are so many incidents and things in my life, happening every day. But I never speak about it to my parents or to my friends. For a simple reason, I don’t want to. I know, I should at least let somebody know about my problems. But I fear what if it gets more complicated. I fear, what if my parents don’t understand. However, I speak to my brother and my best friend when needed. This brings peace to my heart.

I guess many of us go through the same in their life. But if the problem is not so big and can be solved by sharing with a sensible person, then why to hide. Open up. Find someone who can help you in your crisis and let that person take you out of it.

After all, sharing your problems with the right person can reduce your stress. So, next time you feel like keeping a secret, think if it is worth keeping it as a secret or if it should be shared.

Transparency is better than hiding; because hiding from others have many negative implications which sometimes become very difficult for us to explain even if it was done in good intentions.

HIDE AND SEEK – IS ALL ABOUT PARENTING

It was a normal day for me, I hurriedly finished all my household works and went to my desk to start my work. Not a joke, I am A freelance content writer, with at least a decent amount of work daily. As I sat to work, and it was a holiday for kids, so I ensured they both had enough things to play with before settling down.

After some time, I could see that y little ones have become ninjas and hiding around as if spying on me. I remained to do my work, with my third eyes opened and my ears sharp enough to listen to what was going on around. They both were tiptoeing and walking around my workspace, all it leads me to be completely losing my concentration at what I was doing. I could see them, but I pretended to be completely unaware.

They both were taking things from the table nearby, like Fevicol, sellotapes, paper, colour pencil which I have already asked them not to touch. The moment I turned around to look at them as they were sneaking around, they stood frozen like still… It actually did make me laugh, as I was dumbstruck, how did they imagine I could not see them.

This is actually a quite common scenario at home. They take chocolates and other eatables from the fridge and keep on munching all day long. Even though I see, at times I just and does ensure I get a share of what they take, ensuring that I inform them I know what they do.

Am a mommy who is like the Vodafone advertisement-Wherever you go, I am there.. 😛

But, I did think about why they were hiding it from me?

It was the mere fact, I was a little angry whenever they took things unnecessarily and played with.

So Do you know what I did to correct myself?

I called them both and told, that you need not hide from me, as you see, I see everything. And yes momma is your friend.

I enjoy these little hiding games they do with me.

My younger on the other side, she just walks right in front of me, with her big eyes, protruding and a small smile on her lips which is out of the excitement of doing naughty things.  She smiles as I keep an eye on her, and she smiles at me too, trying to deviate my attention from what exactly she was doing.

I smile, just to assure her, that Yes Momma didn’t see anything and it Just brightens her smile – To which I get flattened.

Even though I turn a blind eye towards their play, I ensure to keep a check on it. It is sometimes my daughter returns from school all moody and cranky. I know it is tiredness or something that bother her and making her all cringy. I try my best to stay calm and understand from her part.

To lighten the mood, when she shares the trauma to me, I do ensure that it is all a part of school life. And I hold her closer to me and assure her that nothing in the world will hurt her when I am around. But again, I always wanted her to tell the truth rather than hide it from me. I become her friend and to be her secret keeper. It gives me immense happiness when she throws me the brutal truth than a lie. It shows me, how strong she is.

Being a mother is a true hurdle to cross, and it is impossible without trust.

A HIDDEN HEART – IS A WHIRLPOOL OF EMOTIONS

A little girl sat in the crowd. Her expressions read that she was upset, her eyes were already a pool, waiting for a moment to drop and shed the burden of her eyes and eventually her heart. It never happened though.

Hours passed.

She was bullied and had her confidence drop dead. All she did was eat and talk a lot. Was it not something a kid should do? Her thoughts wandered and she questioned her mind over and over again. It was not easy for a mere 8 years old to understand and land on conclusions.

Yet not a drop of tear rolled down. She smiled and none noticed the pool she was holding in her eyes. She was starving, yet she didn’t munch. None around her, even her loved and close ones, couldn’t notice a change in her.

It was a normal day, then. As the night was on, and time to sleep. She jumped on to her bed and waited for silence to creep in, and then heart burst out into tears. It was again never easy.

She hid her tears. 

She hid her sorrows.

She hid her embarrassment.

She hid her pain.

She hid it all, to see everyone around her smile. 

Even her scream was hidden to the world. The next day she woke up and smiled again ready to deal with the world, who never appreciated her shortcomings.

Hiding something in life has become a part and parcel in her life. Be it the truth or even happiness.

But why do we hide our emotions?

It might be the reason, that the ones whom we shared never ever took a look at what we might feel. It also might not be the reason that the person won’t ever understand, but also when we are in a matured state that the person can’t stand the pain or whatever is hidden about.

When ones right is another one wrong, it is hard to make anyone understand anything.

In Today’s world, most of the victim of abuse hide it, it is not because they enjoy the pain. It is because the world will never understand until they deal it on their own.

Hiding arises when our exuberance is responded with an “Shhh…”. It grows more and more, as our exhilaration is not validated. As it grows, the more we feel ashamed of ourselves and we tend to hide. And we finally instinctively protect ourselves from the world outside into a shell. And for everything happening around us, hiding becomes a reflexive emotion.

Here are things, one can do, to overcome hiding :

  1. Accept it is not your flaw, but a learned behaviour.
  2. Accept rejections, Come on it isn’t Worlds End.
  3. MAke friendship with people who can accept you as you are.
  4. Be positive whatever may happen.

Ones we deal with tour inner feelings and convince that we are not the imprisoners of our fears, we stop hiding. It is said that, once we start hiding, our heart becomes a collective whirlpool of emotions, that will ready to burst any time. Be it emotions, feelings or even regret, just letting it out makes life worth living.

We are just humans, prone to errors too.

The sooner we accept, the better we do.

Godin writes, “We’re lucky enough that the things we used to fear don’t happen so often anymore, so now we fear feelings.”

DO NOT CONCEAL YOURSELF

We’ve got a new teacher for English when I was in grade 10. It was only a few months left for our public exams, so most of us were worried how the new teacher would be. She was slim-built and had a squeaky voice. She had an interesting way of teaching which made a lot of us happy because our earlier teacher was not so good. Once I noticed that she had some bruises on her hand during our catch-up session in the teachers room. When she is on the dais and delivering her lecture it is difficult to notice those cuts because she had a fairly dark skin. The marks were not distinctively visible from a distance. This repeated 2 -3 times in the six months she taught us. Our schooling ended and we moved on with our lives. 

Few years later, I accidentally met her in a mall. Yet again, I noticed bruises on her hands. I asked her if we could have lunch together. She sceptically agreed for lunch, we took one of the corner tables at a restaurant. We ordered food and were talking about other students from our class. The food arrived, we had our lunch and that is when I asked her about the bruises. I admitted I noticed them earlier too. She seemed surprised. “Mam, I understand you may not be able to share it with me. I hope things are not as bad as they seem. Please Mam, do something about it. Talk to someone. I have a feeling you are hiding your pain from everyone around you and that is surely not going to help much“, before I could finish, she started to cry. That was the first time I had some one elder than me crying before me. I didn’t know what to do. She paused a bit and said, “Aastha, life isn’t what we think it is. My husband is abusive but I don’t speak about it because if he decides to leave me, then my son would be the most impacted one. So, I keep it to myself”. She left and I never met her again.

Hiding is something we all do. During childhood hiding is for the sole purpose of not getting scolded for our mischief, but as we grow it is mostly because of the fear of being judged or misunderstood. If we observe carefully we would see numerous examples. But, is hiding good? Well, it is a very broad question. Obviously, we do not want to share every information of our life with every other person. We have close pals and not so close ones. Mostly our close pals are the ones who know the most because we trust them. There are certain times in our lives when we feel not to share some particular part or an episode of our life with anyone. Trust me this only works if that information cannot cause harm. Like in the case of my teacher, there are many men and women who fall prey for abuse. Especially in these situations keeping what happened to ourselves in no good. I can vouch for this because of my own experience. 

I can give a million reasons why I haven’t shared that I was suffering with my parents, friends or anyone. No matter how much I convince myself that what I did was fine, I know it is not. More and more I buried myself, the more people did not care. Usually when people hide, most of them expect someone would come and help them out of the situation. Unfortunately what happens is the opposite. If you want to hide, the world will let you do so and forget about you. No one would come to help you unless they really care and of course if you had someone who really cared may be you would have opened up? Is that what you are thinking? May be.. but this is a vicious circle, that has no ending. Do not blame yourself for the abuse or embarrassment. We have to speak for ourselves when in need. Hiding under the shell does not bring anything good. It is like a closed container which would never see light unless someone makes an attempt. 

Some wise man told me, “If you have decided to hide something, you should take full responsibility of the consequences and should have the courage to fight alone“. This is very true. Say, someone is in an abusive marriage, only if they share with someone, they would find solace, help and most important of all someone who can vouch for the suffering if need be. Most of the cases that are pending in the court regarding abusive marriages take a long time only because no one ever knew about that. It takes time for Honorable Court to do justice. Hiding information from our loved ones is called protective buffering. Though it might help in short run, it only creates stress and distress in the long run. 

This week we are going to write on various aspects of ‘hiding’. I am sure each one of us are going to present a unique perspective of hiding. Keep reading…