Meghna was wearing her clothes while listening to Vinod go on and on about the corruption in the country and false promises of the politicians while he was reading the newspaper. She wasn’t interested in participating in the conversation, Meghna and Vinod had just spent a beautiful night together after a lot of acute planning – she just wanted to enjoy the after-effects of it.
Vinod went on and on – “When will the world change, why can’t people just stop telling lies and be straight about who they are? Look what is happening in politics, Bollywood, cricket – there is lying and cheating everywhere.”
Just then Vinod’s phone rang and both of them just froze at their spot, just the look on his face told Meghna that it was Vinod’s wife (Prerna) calling.
Vinod’s tone changed now – “Hi Prerna darling! Of course I missed you, this important business trip made me travel otherwise I would have never left you and gone even for few hours. I had a great presentation last night, will be back home by evening, love you a lot.”
that’s what you have
when there are
too many witnesses.
Lately life has taught me a lot in ways that I wouldn’t prefer.
It was 14th Feb, while everybody was busy wishing Valentine’s day to their loved ones – I was sitting in the hospital with my 3 year old son who had 103 degree fever. Unaware of what is causing the recurrent fever spikes, I was getting really tensed. He has had on and off cough since almost a month which I was not able to get rid of. I thought I had tried all possibilities to get rid of his cough but little did I know what lay ahead.
After 3 hours in the hospital I was in the doctor’s room. With the X-Ray report on her screen, the doctor looked at me seriously and said he has lung infection. We need to start him on antibiotics immediately. I was shocked. Lung infection? Again? Why? I had done all that the previous doctor had told me. What did I miss? He had a serious case of pneumonia when he was 1.5 years old and now again when he was 3. What did I do wrong?
Well 2 days of antibiotic did no impact on the infection. We had to admit him for 3 days. I cried to my pillow like crazy on the second night. Not just because I was worried but I felt horrible that I could not take care of him enough. It was only me and Joey on the third day in hospital because all other family members had to go attend a family wedding (which I and my son missed because of this unwelcomed infection).
When we came back from hospital, his immunity had dropped considerably. I had to leave my dog at the dog care center because animal hair would make his situation even worse. I called in Aastha to stay with me for those few days till my family would come back and she was a great help. He seemed to get better in a couple of days and I restarted his school – scared and worried.
Though things were getting back to normal, a couple of weeks later we visited a pulmonogist because it is not common for 3 year old to get pneumonia twice. I was literally hoping that he doesn’t give me any bad news regarding the anatomy of his lungs. He did not. But he said something worse – you cannot ignore even a single cough after a case of pneumonia. He needs to eat healthy, avoid dust, no pets, no junk food. Well, all this is something a mother generally knows isn’t it? Where did I miss it? Why didn’t I take him to pulmonogist when his cough wasn’t going away with cough syrups or anti-allergic? Why did I wait for the infection to reach his lungs? Am I not educated enough or do I not have common-sense?
Well, these are the thoughts that run into my mind now and they kill me every day. But initially I blamed everything apart from myself to run into this situation. I blamed my husband for staying away from us, and everybody else in my support system for not taking care of him enough, my work for keeping me extra busy, the circumstances, the doctor who told me that it is common cold and will go away with cough syrups. It took me time to see that I was standing right in middle of all this and all fingers are pointing at me. Every time I would talk to anybody about it, I would try to get defensive and say “You know that doctor doesn’t know anything” or “You know ginger honey really doesn’t work on cough” or whatever.
It took me almost a month of misery to take the responsibility of the situation. And I know that I was fearing getting blamed for all this. Well the fact is that I could have avoided him a lot of pain and whether I get blamed or not – I need to take responsibility of it. The sooner I accept the responsibility, lesser is the fear of being blamed. Blaming others is always easy but that is just one way of not accepting the responsibility.
Like they say – life sometime teaches you a hard way, especially when you resist learning something.
This Monday evening, my daughter decides to have pizza. She wanted to go to a “pizza house” and dine in. I would like to pen down the conversation between my daughter and her daddy.
Anaya (my 3yrs old girl): “Daddy!!! I want to have a pizza.”
Daddy (my husband): “Okay, I will tell delivery uncle to get one for you!”
Anaya: “No daddy. I WANT to go to the pizza house.”
Anaya (with a fake crying face): “I want to, daddy!”
So, her daddy takes her to the ‘pizza house’. At her ‘pizza house’, she goes directly to a table and sits and says, “I want to eat here daddy.”
Daddy: “But mommy and uncle are at home. They want to eat pizza too. We have to share.”
Anaya: “No daddy! I want it here!”
Daddy (tensed and confused): “But, mommy will cry and uncle too.”
Anaya (in a low sad voice): “Oh!!! Mmmmm okay daddy.”
Finally, they reach home with her pizza and he narrates this incident to me.
He adds, “What on Earth is a pizza house??”
She stood right next to her daddy while he was narrating and was eating her pizza.
I asked her, “You wanted to eat your pizza in the ‘pizza house’??”
She just nods yes.
I add (I make a sad and almost crying face and makes sure she notices); “Without mommy?”
She looks at me, stares at her dad. It takes her just 30 seconds to decide. She then, points her finger at her daddy and says, “Daddy said”.
My husband and I, we looked at each other with surprise. She knows how to blame shift.
Her daddy asks her, “What?? I told you to sit and eat there?”
She looks at her pizza and says, “Yes, daddy!”
She had the cutest of expression and even though there was a lot of innocence, it wasn’t the right thing. She wanted to be the good girl and please mommy. She knew daddy could handle mommy, and everything would be fine. Even though her expressions and the entire situation was funny but I felt the need to make her understand, that it is okay, if she said so. It’s just a wish she had. I told her the same. I explained that she shouldn’t blame others for the things she did. It is a bad thing for a good girl. I hope she understands, remembers and implements it. Well, frankly, I thought of times when I blame shifted, just be safe and loved. I was reminded how I used to fight, just to prove that I wasn’t blame shifting. Even my daughter has seen me do that. I wondered, what if she has learnt it all from me. Am I guiding her in the right path? No, was the answer.
I have come across a lot of families and blaming others, when they are being questioned, has been a common characteristic for all the different household. Knowingly or unknowingly, it just happens. May be not as frequent, but sometimes people just play that card. In my family, I have seen my mom being blamed for each and everything that goes wrong in our family. I see my mom blaming someone for a thing she couldn’t do. . Even my mom-in-law goes through the same. Sometimes I see myself doing, exactly the same thing. If I am sick and sad, I tend to blame someone for it and bring out my frustration.
There are situations where in a relationship, this blame game comes to play. One of them blames the other for the things that went wrong in their relation. Then the other person blames the former and vice versa and it goes on and on. These are the things, kids see and learn. When into a relation, both persons are accountable for things they do for or towards each other, good or bad. This point fades out and situations drift out of hand. Blaming others has always been an easy option. Moreover it keeps us safe, no matter if or how it jeopardizes somebody else’s character or affairs.
Sadly, we never think of mending this kind of situation. It is so addictive, even though compromising. We don’t put efforts to correct our kids. We don’t explain to them that whatever happens to them is an outcome of what they did, and not because of any situation, person or thing. Whatever they do and the result of it is solely their responsibility. We have only become more intelligent in our work. We as of now blame lifeless elements, where the other person has no option but to just keep mum. For example, today I was asked by one of my brothers, about a task he has given me to do. It was done but wasn’t perfect. Even though I told him the truth, still I blamed my house chores for keeping me from finishing it. Somehow, it has seeped into us and is so deeply rooted that, we just can’t avoid it. Even if we can, we don’t.
I will not urge you to let go. I will, but try and change myself. I will refrain from giving excuses and blaming others for things I have been doing. All my success and my failures are mine. It’s my efforts that contribute into making me a success or a failure. I will try and be accountable in situations as such. I will try to use my anger, fear, guilt and shame to build me in the correct way. I will not make me, stand in my way to success. I will try and be a good example to my kid and the society. I will try.
Quote of the day
Truth is an elusive version of stipulations with perceived reasonings, unless aberrated and then becomes a lie.
Quote of the day
Be Careful of liars! All the white sheep we see, may not be as white as it appear.