I DIDN’T DO IT; I AM A NARCISST

I heard someone tell me that when you have the guts to do something or say something then learn to say that “Yes, I did that.” In simple words ‘Own It’. But to accept one’s mistake and take its blame is not as easy as taking credit for all the good you did. Wanting others to see what you see and hear what you hear with your mindset is not an easy feat. This freedom to believe what you want is a matter of Free Will, and when we know we can’t tamper with other Free Will too, that’s where ‘Blame Shifting’ comes in.

Blame shifting is a phenomenon that is often linked with Narcissism. They tend to substitute their culpability to others. You see, it’s convenient. Shifting blame to victims is useful because it allows you to be free of any guilt and the cumbersome task of taking any responsibility or alteration plus let’s agree, it saves your face. You don’t have to go through the humiliation of being wrong or being unruly. Another reason is, narcissists are very good in vindicating everything. They can find 1001 reasons why everybody but them is to accuse. And they aren’t perturbed or fretful by the fact; it’s just an illusion they created for themselves.

They can’t see any imperfections in themselves, they have glorified themselves so much that they see themselves as ideal. So instead of condemning themselves, they criticise others. This is called Alloplastic Defense, which means they hold the world accountable for their problems, not themselves.

Narcissism is an actual condition, called NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) What we call “blame shifting” they call “protecting themselves”. While you call yourself a victim, they know that the real victim is them. You are trying to make them feel bad, guilty, or trap them. You are the manipulator. You are the instigator of this conflict. Why are you doing this to them?

Lies are just lies. They happen. There are so many ways to victimise; the NPD isn’t even aware of the fact that he/she is doing it. An NPD doesn’t (generally) intend to hurt anyone, they merely want to do what they want to do, and so they do it. What do other people have to do with that? None of their business.

Deceiving, evading, being insensitive… none of those is done to hurt people; they are solely ways for the NPD to pursue and project the life they feel they ought to have.

So, if you “attack” someone with NPD by saying, “You did something that hurt me,” their instinct is to call you the liar and utterly destroy you for trying to make them feel bad about themselves.

Since they lack “Purpose Integrity”— the ability to maintain favourable feelings about a person throughout a range of situations or distance—if you are attacking, you are the enemy. You must be destroyed.

After all, if they didn’t mean to hurt you, you shouldn’t be hurt.

But let us not forget a few things here. Not all crimes or mistakes are enormous; some are pretty small and modest, especially when done by kids. They often almost expect a parent to come to their aid.

Until my father passed away, I felt very protected and very secure. The reason being, he never blamed me for anything, be it my natural mistakes or the ruckus I deliberately or unintentionally created. He would just tell my Mom that he broke the vase, he spilt the milk, he forgot to recharge the phone, or he was the person who stained her saree. But while we were alone, and Mom was away he would lovingly tell me that it was wrong to do that, I shouldn’t have done it, and if I do it again, he won’t come to my rescue. And I very firmly believe that his way of saving me a scolding and disgrace but guiding to the right path made me the person I am. Today I am not afraid to accept 100% responsibility for the wrongs I did.

These benign incidents between a family that hurt no ones feeling, in particular, aren’t the source of anyone’s agony.

But yes,

For anyone who is a victim or a scapegoat…

Save the need for answers. Do not get quicksand in need of validation.

Save the questions. It perpetuates the vicious cycle of everything being about them.

Reverse your thought processes and make everything about you.

Get OUT. Survive.

Then go back to the whys, they won’t matter anyway. Until you are Free.

(PICTURE CREDIT: GOOGLE INC.)

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Quote of the day

Acceptance of being guilty and wrong requires far more courage than fighting an obvious enemy.

LOVE PEOPLE, USE THINGS

A short story –

There was a happily married couple and on their 10th marriage anniversary the husband decided to gift a car to his wife. It was an expensive yellow colored Mini Cooper just like she had always dreamt of. He was excited to see her reaction on seeing the car.

Finally the day came – the day of their 10th marriage anniversary. And the husband proudly handed over the keys to the wife and she was just puzzled. She noticed the key ring and her hopes started to get high but she kept her calm till she actually saw her dream car right outside the gate. She screamed with joy, hugged and kissed her husband. Her happiness knew no bounds.

She started to use the car and one fine day while she was driving after a hectic day, she was struggling to keep her eyes open. She was so sleepy that she could hardly concentrate on the road. She stopped for a while and took a few sips of water. Just 4 kms away was her home, so she decided to continue driving and not stop for tea or something. But in no time she dozed off on the wheel and hit the car on the rear of a truck right in front of her.

She couldn’t stop weeping, people collected around the accident spot. Many people offered her help, asking her if she was ok. She did not reply to anybody. She wasn’t hurt physically but her heart broke to see the condition of her brand new Cooper. What would her husband say to this? The car wasn’t even a week old. After a few minutes, she gathered all her senses and she knew that she had to call the service center to take the car for repair. So she opened the dashboard and took out the papers – registrations papers, insurance papers and among all these she saw a red envelope.

“Dear Jane,

If you have opened this dashboard and you are looking for insurance papers or service center papers, I know that you are in trouble. I hope it is not an accident but if it is – then first of all please calm yourself down. Make sure that you are not hurt anywhere. Please ask for medical help if you need any. Also look around if anybody else is hurt apart from you.

And if the car is damaged – DO NOT WORRY about it. It is only a car which is meant to take you from one place to another safely. If the car is broken and you are safe that means the car did a good job in saving you. Do not think a bit about the expense of the car or expense of getting it repaired. Be thankful that you are safe and sound.

Now before you call up the service center or the insurance, I want you to go to the doctor. We will deal with the car damage later.

Your’s lovingly,

Dave”

Jane started to cry even more but inside her heart she knew that she felt extremely relieved. That tension of “How will Dave react?” had disappeared. She realized that he was right. She hadn’t notice that her right arm was bleeding and there was pain on right side of her head. She heeded to her husband’s advice and took a cab to the doctor.

And they lived happily ever after. One of the reasons for that is Dave’s attitude.

THE END

How many husbands today would have done what Dave did? How many of us are guilty of scolding and hitting children when they unintentionally broke our phones, TV or that expensive dinner set? How many of us are always comparing the prices of their own household items with that of their friends? How many of us are more concerned about that little scratch on our car than the person who is bleeding due to the accident?

It is important that we remember

“Objects /things are supposed to be used and people are supposed to be loved” – but very often the phrase is just the other way round – we are too busy using people and loving our things.

Let us try to set this right in our own small way.

 

A RENWED COSCIENCE TO LIVE IN FREEDOM

In the last article of the topic “Guilt & Conscience” helps us to understand, “how bid good bye to the guilt.” 

Tonight, I will talk about renewed mind and conscience which is really important to live a life of freedom and liberty from the clutches of guilt and sin.

Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth.

Materialistic thinking or desires really made us live on lower value systems. The urge to gain wisdom and thinking high is very rare. Those who live above the corruption of this world have always kept a clean conscience. We need to keep our eyes and mind open to find them as our examples.

As it is always better to think and follow,

Whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; 

You need to take time to think in a quiet place to understand what I am trying to convey here. 

Do not be conformed to this world any longer with its superficial values and customs, but be transformed and progressively changed by the renewing of your mind focusing on godly values and ethical attitudes.

The world teaches about false and superficial value systems. The general public always follow the wrong things. Negativism is always easy to follow or imitate. But living in discipline and high values with a transformed mind is really very difficult. 

Let’s take responsibility of living with a renewed mind and conscience this Year in 2016 by focussing on things of high value, following which are good and live a transformed life.

Stay Blessed!
 

REALIZE, REPENT, RELEASE AND RESOLVE TO REFRAIN

Conscience is the soft gentle voice of reproach present within all individuals. When a person is preparing himself / herself to commit an erroneous act, there is a sure nudge of the conscience that s/he experiences. However, continuous and repeated acts of misgivings as a result of consciously ignoring the pricks of the conscience, result in a dead conscience. When a person commits an erroneous act the very first time, there is a considerable amount of guilt. This is because the person feels convicted by the nudging of the conscience. At this juncture, a person responds in either of the following two ways:

  • The person responds to the conscience by realizing the mistake, repenting for it and resolving never to repeat it

  • The person ignores the convicting voice within and goes on with life as though s/he has not committed any wrong

Responding in the first way, makes it possible for the person to overcome the guilt pangs with time. However, a person who chooses to ignore the voice of the conscience fails to overcome the guilt within. Rather s/he masks the guilt by various means. Overtime, s/he turns deaf to the voice of the conscience. As a result, the erroneous acts multiply and their intensities increase too.

Many of us have been nurturing a dead conscience within us throughout this year. And so we have ended up hurting ourselves and people around. Some others have been nursing our guilt pangs every single day, not knowing how to deal with them.

It is vital to keep the conscience alive by heeding to the gentle nudging at all points of time. To be conscience-stricken is to keep the way open to deal with the guilt within. The golden rule is: Realize, Repent, Release and Resolve to refrain.

Realize your mistake.

Repent for the wrongdoing.

Release the guilt pangs.

Resolve never to repeat it.

Bid a goodbye to all your guilt in the old year and welcome the New Year with freshness!

WHAT IS FALSE GUILT?

June Hunt!!! Yes, she describes further talking about guilt. She gives a list of false guilt which should not be within our hearts troubling us till the end…

She says,

  • False Guilt is based on self-condemning feelings that you have not lived up to your own expectations or those of someone else.

  • False Guilt arises when you blame yourself, even though you’ve committed no wrong, or even though you’ve confessed and turned from your sin.

  • False Guilt keeps you in bondage to three destructive weapons – shame, fear, and anger.

  • False Guilt, ironically, is not resolved by confession.  (The past keep coming up again and again) 

Now, this kind of guilt has to be dealt carefully and should be given up at once or else it will literally torment the person day and night.

Keep reading, keep sharing…

Stay Blessed! 

WHAT IS TRUE GUILT?

Do you guys remember June Hunt? I had mentioned about her earlier. She is the host of the Nationally Syndicated Call-in Counseling Broadcast Hope in the Night.

She talks about ‘Asham’ a Hebrew word for Guilt. She says,

“Asham, with its many derivatives, paints a three-dimensional picture of true guilt.”

She further describes guilt, I mean true guilt as follows:

  • True Guilt refers to the facts of being at fault, deserving punishment, and requiring a sacrificial offering.

  • True Guilt is the result of any wrong attitude or action that is contrary to the perfect will of God.

  • True Guilt is the result of sin whereby a penalty must be paid for your sin so fellowship with God can be restored.

I will explain what she is talking about in a simpler way with few examples.

True guilt comes when somebody realizes his/her fault or wrong attitude towards somebody. True guilt comes when he/she makes himself/herself available for the punishment and correction. She mentioned about “Sacrificial Offering.” Sacrificial Offering doesn’t mean any animal or bird sacrifice but it is a true offering of our body, soul and mind to God to restore the vertical (Spiritual – with God) as well as horizontal (Social – with fellow humans) relationship. Sacrificial Offering is something which we do to compensate our wrong attitude towards the person against whom we have commit the sin.

Have you felt guilty for your wrong doing? That’s better… If you are not guilty of your wrong doings and your committed sins then start thinking seriously about your attitude. 

Keep visiting and keep reading…

Stay Blessed!!!