LEARN TO FORGIVE – TO LOVE MORE

The arguments went on and on…

There was no end to it

Ego was not letting them stop. Each wants to dominate the other. The fight went on. Finally, she was exhausted and started to cry. He was more adamant after the heated conversation, hence he never turned back. The conversation had crossed the limits, rupturing their relation. There was an intense situation building up, an unhealthy relationship with no compromises, no love, and no interest to listen to each other. 

Even after this fight, their home was not a peaceful stage. Every other day, a new problem arose, the fights and arguments went on.Finally, the kids began to feel the insecurity, their happy home was not a safe place for them to live now. 

What is the sole reason for the fight?  

It is ego. 

Why the fight became worst?

The attitude towards the problem, compelling each individual not to forgive each other. 

It is said that Forgiveness plays a vital role in a relationship. No relation is perfect, but the attitude towards the problem can be modified. Every individual has a different mind, understanding and protecting these values with a forgiveness is important. We all humans are flawed even committed to making mistakes too, but to learn to forgive them is an art. An art that is important for a happy life. 

It is said that the couples who learn to forgive more or less are comparatively living a happy life. Lack of forgiveness is likely to bring on and stir up negativity in the relation. Negative emotions are more impactful than happy moments in the life, making the relationship more vulnerable.In a study conducted by most of the institutes, the importance of forgiveness in a relation  says that if a person holds a grudge : 

Brings in unhappiness and builds up anger in the relations.
The relation lacks the purpose and the commitment
Anxiety and Depression build up.
The joyfulness in the current happiness.
Once forgiveness plays a vital role in the life, life becomes peaceful. To bring in the tendency of forgiving any mistakes, one can focus on these points :

  1. The outcome of the fight: Whether both the parties involved have any benefit out of the fight. One might win over the fight, losing the self-respect. Hence decide on the outcome of any fight.
  2. Do not involve in the blame game: Blame game is a continuous process, this never ends, hence involving in it is time waste and building a rupture in the relation. 
  3. Listen to your rightful inner voice:  Our inner voice is the more powerful in make us judge the situation. The inner voice at times sounds soothing, yet it might confuse the mind. Letting us choose the path in getting victory over the fight but not in maintaining the relationship.
  4. Damages the intimacy of a relation: When we learn to forget, the other person will never be afraid to commit mistakes. Mistakes actually work in favor of a relation, as it brings in closeness in the life. When we learn to forgive small mistakes, then slowly we are building a healthy relation, where one never needs to hide their flaws.

When we keep in mind these all fundamentals of a relation handling, we bring out the best in us to maintain a happy life. Forgiveness is a basic factor for a compassionate life.In order to resolve conflicts in a relation, forgiveness is vital. It helps to handle any relation in a rightful way. 

To conclude, let me quote Bryant H. McGill: 

There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love.

 

THE GOOD TEACHER

I was in my ninth standard. The distribution of computer weekly test paper was in progress. Few of the students surrounded Mr. Rituraj Pradhan, our computer sir. He was fairly new to the school and had made a pretty good impression on us students. Even though I struggled in computers and Java was way beyond my limited scope of Computer understanding, I put in lot of effort. The students negotiated with him for some increase in marks, and few of them even got into an argument for his corrections. It was the usual scene which all of us would have experienced during our school days. Everyone discussed about their scores. The toppers complained about getting 21/25 or 22/25. The lesser lights were happy with a 10/25 and some did not care about their single digit scores.

I had scored a very decent 19/25 in my paper. I went up to our sir for enquiring about the correct answer for a question. As I went near he turned towards my face and shouted on top of his voice commanding me to get back to my place. I shivered a bit shocked by his rage. Everyone who had been trying to get the scores added up took a step back and graciously returned to their seats. I was back at my place trying my best to calm myself. The period got over soon. The 10 minute short break followed. I went out of the class to get a breath of fresh air outside. A friend shared his Tiffin with me. It was roti and chana, and it was tasty. We got back to our classes and eagerly waited for the lunch-break. I enjoyed the football in the afternoon. It refreshed me from the morning showdown. I felt much better after that.

The afternoon session had a computer practical period. The post-football fatigue made it very difficult for me to stay awake in the first period after the lunch. I looked at my watch wishing for the class to get over soon. The next class was the computer practical and I wanted to sit inside the air-conditioned computer lab which would help in relaxing my overworked calf muscles. I was looking at the monitor trying to understand the piece of code when Rituraj sir tapped on my shoulder. I greeted him formally. The next few lines he uttered were completely unexpected. He genuinely apologized for shouting at me in the morning class and there was no pretence in his words. He sounded very sincere and I was overjoyed by this action of his. A deep sense of respect grew for him, even though he was not the best ever teacher but his best efforts never seemed fake.

Apologizing is the sign of a strong character and Rituraj sir was one. I have never forgotten that act of his, a teacher saying sorry to a student for shouting at him. Teachers with nature like his can really move the students in the forward direction and certainly make them better human beings. The last time I heard of him was when I paid a visit to my school during the summer vacation after my 2nd semester of college. He was suffering from a kidney ailment and there was a notice which requested the staff and students to contribute for his treatment. I have no clue to where he is now. I wish and pray that he is healthy and still making a positive impact on the people around him.

FORGIVENESS: A DEBT PAID

(Picture Source: CLICK)

Forgiveness is something that until you don’t have it, you don’t miss it. It’s the very fabric of any successful relationship. Without it, every relationship will crumble or simply remain broken or strained as a result of inevitable broken trust. I say inevitable because it is impossible that no offenses should come. In other words, we are human and therefore make mistakes and hurt others with our selfish actions (i.e. offend others). One of the primary challenges of extending forgiveness to another is that it is by its very nature gracious, that is, it is undeserved favor bestowed on the person in the wrong, the “offender”. If you are asking for forgiveness and believe you deserve it, then you’re not *actually* asking for forgiveness (grace), you’re asking for justice (what you [think you] deserve); which probably also means you don’t really view or understand what you did as wrong. By very nature, when you forgive someone, you are releasing them from the debt they owe you, from receiving what they deserve, such as your rejection and anger. But without fail, when an offense occurs, *someone* must pay the emotional, financial, or spiritual debt owed. This, ultimately, is THE most difficult part of forgiving a loved one.

It is tempting to sometimes understand “justice” (in the sense that you want the other person to pay for their wrong) as the opposite of being merciful, but this is an incomplete understanding of the difference between justice and mercy. Justice and mercy meet within forgiveness. This is because in forgiving someone, you are paying for the debt that they owe you, balancing the proverbial scales of injustice. This is what makes forgiveness difficult. It’s not a matter of simply saying, “I forgive you”, “It’s OK”, or “No problem”. In order to forgive someone, *you* must incur the debt that *they* owe you. Some describe it as “releasing another”. But this difficult act of releasing another becomes easier for those who have genuinely experienced forgiveness. That’s because forgiven people have a different perspective. Forgiven people, forgive people. Forgiveness is a gift that, when received, can be freely given to (or withheld from) others. Most of the time, when someone is withholding forgiveness, it is simply because they have not experienced it themselves (or they have but there is a lack of understanding or genuine reception). There is a kind of proverb that reads, “Speak and act as those who are going to be judged by the law that releases from debt, because judgment without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful. Mercy triumphs over judgment.” Simply put, forgiven people, forgive people.

Are you merciful and forgiving? Have you experienced forgiveness or do you consider your life a meritorious endeavor? I don’t take forgiveness lightly because I know how incredibly painful and difficult it is, but as one who has experienced it in a deep and profound way, it has been one of my greatest joys (and challenges) to extend the same free gift I’ve received to the people around me.

MY LESSON ON FORGIVENESS – THE PRACTICAL WAY

Forgiveness has two dimensions to it – forgiving others and seeking forgiveness from others. Trust me, both are equally tough!

Seeking forgiveness requires self-realisation, acceptance and humility to approach the aggrieved party.

Forgiving others requires nothing but a heart of selfless love and the experience of having been forgiven.

It was October 2010. There occurred an episode in which I felt deeply hurt by the actions of a friend. The incident went on lingering in my mind for days together. I was constantly asking myself, “What wrong did I do to deserve this?” Even though I knew that the behavior of the friend was unjustified and uncalled for and I was in no way to blame for it, I went on introspecting, feeling bad about the whole thing and even praying for my friend. But intermittent thoughts about the whole episode did not cease. So much so, that my daily schedule got affected without my knowledge. Even though I was not consciously thinking about it, there was some sort of continuing uneasiness within.

In the month of December, almost every Scripture portion that I meditated upon had a message of forgiveness. By that time, I was almost my usual self and not much bothered by what had happened two months back. So, the constant reminders about forgiveness made me think whom I should seek forgiveness from. In all that I could think of, I couldn’t recall hurting any person that I could seek forgiveness from. The last straw came when few days before Christmas I received a greeting card from my sister having a Bible verse on forgiveness printed on it. I was taken aback! A Christmas greeting card having a message of forgiveness!! At least I had never come across such a card before. Christmas cards usually have nativity verses printed on them.

That was it! With the card in my hand as I actively pondered whom I should seek forgiveness from, it hit me like a thunderbolt that I did not have to seek forgiveness from anyone. Rather, I had to forgive someone – forgive the friend whose actions had hurt me a couple of months before. Gosh! The realization was so profound. My immediate response was that no way was I going to take the first step. After all, the friend had not even apologized! Now if I take any step, it would mean that I myself was wrong in the first place. Thus continued a few days of struggle within.

Then on the day of Christmas I thought to bring to an end to the ongoing tussle by taking the first step to greet that friend. I picked up the phone, but still couldn’t get myself to dial the number. I then whispered a quick word of prayer asking God to give me strength and mustered the courage to dial the number. The pleasant conversation lasted three minutes. How light I felt as I disconnected the phone! I hadn’t realized till then that I was carrying the burden of an unforgiving spirit for two months. It was God’s practical lesson on forgiveness to me!

I had always thought that I could easily forgive others. But that Christmas day, I had a peek into myself as to how wrong I was. It is really tough to forgive those who hurt you – especially when you know for sure that you have done nothing wrong to deserve it. My heart fills with gratitude each time I recall God’s practical lesson on forgiveness.

While I was a sinner, I was forgiven by my Saviour and so I have the added onus to forgive those who aggrieve me.

FORGIVE FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP


I see a lot of couples struggling to live with each other because they simply cannot forgive each other for certain incidents. I also know siblings struggling to stay in touch because forgiveness is missing. Parents and children drift apart because they cannot forgive and forget what the other had done.

The fact is that – if you want to live with the person, if you are connected with the person emotionally – then you need to forgive the person. There are a lot of strangers on the road who make mistakes with respect to traffic and we encounter them all the time. Do we get angry? Yes. Do we forgive them? It doesn’t matter because they are strangers. But when it comes to people we are close to, forgiveness makes world of a difference.

Forgiveness means that you give up all the resentment against the person and promise that you will never ever bring it up in any way. The second part of the statement is extremely important. It doesn’t matter if you keep saying that you have forgiven but if at every argument you bring up the past and rip it out. That just mean that you haven’t forgiven the person and neither are you making any effort to forgive.

There is a close friend of mine who lives in another country. I did some things 2 years ago that hurt him too much. Even though he says that he has forgiven me, he brings it up every time we get into some misunderstanding. And no matter how many times I say sorry to him, it doesn’t make any difference. He says that he has forgiven me, which I do not believe. I feel helpless because I am terribly sorry for what I did and yet I cannot make him forgive me.

Forgiveness is an individual’s choice. One can keep saying and believing that “You hurt me so much. I get reminded me of it due to xyz reasons” but yes, that’s the challenge of forgiveness. It is not an easy thing to do, but if you value the relationship more than the hurt caused to you – you will forgive the other person – sooner or later. Just don’t make it too late.

So take a call, what is more important for you – your relationship or  your hurt.

THE WEAK CAN NEVER FORGIVE

This quote from Mahatma Gandhi really made me feel so happy that he thought that way. Because the world thinks that cowards forgive to avoid conflicts but the truth is you need courage to forgive and it is not a mere act of any coward.

This is again a wonderful quote which indicates that forgiveness actually frees us from the clutches of resentment and anger. It is more beneficial than the offenders whom we forgive.

This is another quote which talks about the same thing that we rid of a prison called anger and revenge when we forgive our offenders.

Final quote which declares that forgiveness is a divine call or a divine gift or attribute. Those who have this attribute can really be the conqueror and the strongest ones.

Keep reading and stay encouraged…

Stay Blessed!!!