DEPRIVATION LEADS TO DESPERATION

My writer friends have discussed the topic so well and I don’t want to repeat those things again. Instead I will just be sharing my own, briefly.

Relationships are what I value the most in my life. The major reason behind it probably is the way I was brought up. I had spent most of my childhood with delicate care, “glass – handle with care” types. And all that happened because of my ill health. Most of the time I spent playing alone, day dreaming and stayed pitying on my state… and whenever I found someone around me, talking to me… I grab him or her, asking them to stay for more and more time with me.

As I grew up I learnt many things and understood that I can’t have people with me all the time… So I managed my loneliness well and now I know I am never bored when alone… in fact I enjoy my loneliness either working on my hobbies or chatting/talking with people I know.

Now, if we talk about desperation then in my case I would say I am always desperate when someone doesn’t respond to me or get back to me or behave differently. I really feel very bad and do feel very troubled when my relationships are strained with my people whom I care. I kept troubling them by pinging and asking ‘what’s going on…’, ‘are you ok…’, ‘why don’t you respond to me…’ and so on…with a desperation that no one can imagine.

Immaturity?

No… not at all… That desperation in me had been engraved from my childhood which reflects in my actions now… I am sure it needs to be harnessed and controlled and I do control it too after sometime.

I was deprived of people from childhood and that deprivation has given birth to desperation in me when I see my loved ones are distanced or stop talking or indifferent (whatever may be the reason).

The desperation I am talking about is a good one…a safer one but when people are desperate for negative things then it might be fatal. Catering to our deprivation positively and in the right way is very important or else it can prove disastrous.

Stay Blessed!

DEAR HEART, WHY THE DESPERATION?

It had started to pour by the time she left his house. Climbing down three flights of stairs, she did not notice the rain beating upon the window panes that lined the side of the building. At that moment, her heartbeats were more tumultuous than the roaring winds, thrashing the empty street. A harsh wind slapped across her face, as soon as she stepped out of the centrum, and onto the promenade. That’s when she started to cry.

Mighty and mysterious, the sea beyond the promenade distracted her thoughts. The swelling then ebbing waves much reflected her own state of mind. And it would be unfair to say this was first time. For the past few days, she had been dragging herself through the mental trauma under the pretence of excuses. Tonight, however, it was over. Tonight, she was free.

She sat down upon the bench overlooking the sea. The vastness of the sea made her feel belittled. Why can’t I be like the sea? Destructive, when raging. Soothing, when calm. For ages, people have gone to the sea to drown their worries. From the time, she was a kid, she had seen her parents take solitary walks by the sea and sort out their differences. But tonight, the sea was all-consuming. Why can it not soothe her soul?

She had known the sea to carry messages across continents and find lovers for the lonely. She had herself, given away her secrets and sorrows to the sea, with a solemn promise, to take it all away from her, from a point of no return. She sat watching the undecipherable sea. Why this adamancy? Why this treason tonight?

She allowed the rain to soak her on the outside, while her tears soaked her insides. She folded her knees and wrapped her arms around them. Gradually, rain ceased to pour and reduced to drizzles. Hours passed like minutes, and when she looked up, there was the moon staring back at her, swollen and beautiful, like her moist eyes.

The wind, the waves, the calm of the night, all succeeded in diminishing her urge to demand answers. She knew finally, no matter what answers her heart chased, her mind would never accept them. And thus she asked, the victim of her heart, “Pray tell, why the desperation?”

She lowered her legs, and her feet grazed the chilling earth beneath. The sensation sent shivers up her spine and she embraced herself. In a beat, she missed the company, the night had snatched from her. From somewhere, a troubled mutt, lost and lonely, came to rest upon her feet.

Last vestiges of heartache left her body as she gently stroked the brown boy, who looked up at her with large pleading eyes, and with a mild wag of the tail, offered her crumbs of comfort. She fed on them gladly. And for the last time, for a fleeting moment, she felt she saw the dismal message etched in the vanishing canopy of clouds,

“Baby, she loves me. I, can at least pretend.”

~~~~~

So tell us, reader, how do you handle the desperate urges to empty your mind of anguish? Share your thoughts in the comment below.

~~~~~

©Asha Seth
www.themusingquill.com

BE CONSIDERATE BUT NOT DESPERATE!

Is anyone out there who haven’t travelled by air?  I guess that’s a silly question.  Every second person must have.

If yes, here comes my next question.  Have you carefully heard the safety instructions? Not much interested after first time, isn’t it?  But one instruction that it is very much in line with the human psyche and made a deep impact on my mind and laid foundation for this write-up

“Wear your masks properly before helping others”

Unless you are safe and secured you can’t help the co-passengers, how well said.

This reminds me of numerous incidents in my life involving me, my family where desperation to help others have almost every time led us into soup.

A petty example – page from golden days –  one of my junior requested me ” Didi (sister) can you get me an ice cream from the vendor standing in front of the school gate?  I could have easily said no as the moment was a crucial one, for our school bus was about to start.  But “holier than thou Pope” nature of mine couldn’t turn down her request for she was new to the school and her father has asked me to take care of her. I immediately obliged and jumped into action.  And there will be no prizes for guessing that there was a rush already hovering around that vendor.  Before I could reach and could place my order (I have to at least sound sophisticated 😉) I saw my bus moving in slow motion before it finally made an exit. I tried to catch it before it left me in tears (I was young too, just 10 years old).

I was almost perplexed at the thought of not having an idea of how I would reach home.  I went to the administrative office of school, tried my father’s office phone number as his office was close to our school. Tried his number desperately ( special mention : my father was a government employee and to reach him via office telephone was one hell of an exercise, vast extension numbers, always busy lines and at the end you end up either putting down the receiver in exasperation or leaving message to a third-party in a bleak hope of getting reverted as that was not a mobile phone era).

So coming back to my story, I tried and tried forgetting the fact that my father wasn’t in the office at all.  He was at home as he met with an accident and fractured his leg.  That nearly broke me.  Tears wouldn’t stop neither the banter of the officer at the desk ” why have you done this?  Don’t you realise how difficult it is for your parents to manage things?”.  Somehow the message reached home and finally my mom came to pick me up.  And I would not dare to look up at her in eyes (Indian moms have that amazing fear factor around them 😀) and I finally reached home.

After all these years when I think about that grave then – funny now incident I just ask myself “WHY”.

Why I haven’t said no?

Why I haven’t asked that girl to accompany me?

Why I haven’t enjoyed the ice cream as anyways I missed the bus, I could have cried after enjoying the ice cream at least 😁.

Moral(s) of the story:

  • Never ever be desperate to always be in good books of everyone.
  • Learn to say NO.  It’s okay, absolutely okay.
  • You can not please everyone.  Doing so will only buy you problems and a tag of “FOOL”.
  • Be considerate for others pain (you are a human for a reason) but desperation if grapes are out of reach could lead to an accident 😉
  • Your desperation could have butterfly effects on others.

Remember this.

DESPERATE TO “GO HOME”

It was 22nd Dec’2007. I was sitting silently in hotel lobby in busy downtown area of Salt Lake City (USA) – having my breakfast. It was my last day in the city after a long 3 months project work. I was in no hurry to reach work because most of the office was now off due to Christmas vacations.

While I sipped my coffee and dug into the waffle – I realized that tears were rolling down my eyes. At that moment, I felt like screaming and running away from the place. Why? Because I was extremely home sick and desperate to get back home. I had always told people till that time that I am a loner. I like my own company and hardly ever feel lonely. I was proven wrong beyond doubt. After 3 months of almost staying alone, eating alone, roaming around alone – I was desperate to be with my own people.

I could see all the families getting together for Christmas. The city was decorated beautifully. The hotel lobby which was usually empty was crowded with families meeting their loved ones for holidays. It was all snow outside – perfect scene from a nice Hollywood movie. And here I had to pick up my laptop and go to work. Phew! I was depressed and upset and angry and extremely demotivated. All I wanted was to come back to India. I never knew I could have this desperation to meet my family. It was difficult for me wait for my flight back to India.

This was changing point in my life. Because after that trip I completely dropped the dream to do Masters in the US (along with that my GRE scores for which I had worked really hard). Some people felt I was crazy giving up that dream but I did not want it anymore. I was done staying alone abroad (just in 3 months).

Again in Dec 2016, when I was visiting Netherlands for work – I found myself bitterly sobbing in an Italian restaurant. I was looking at my son’s pictures sent by my parents and could not help missing him desperately. It was only a 2 week trip – not too bad. But still I could completely relate to that feeling of desperation again. Every single night of those 2 weeks I used to sit in one of my favorite restaurants till midnight or so, reading a book or watching a movie. Sitting alone in my hotel room was killing me practically. I could not handle the silence and loneliness of the room – I would spend as much time possible outside the hotel room because I wanted people around me.

What happens to me when I am desperate? Well, to start with I cannot control my tears. I feel like screaming out my lungs. I start to get nasty thoughts a little bit towards killing myself or somebody else. It is difficult to keep track of time – sometimes I would sleep at odd hours and sometimes time would just not go. If I am not crying – I am staring at empty walls with no thoughts altogether. I don’t feel like talking to anybody or working.

What do I do when I feel like I am getting desperate? I act early on. I now know what the feeling of being desperate is. So as soon as I realize that I am getting negative – I distract myself with something very positive. It could be either music, book, movie, people, writing, workouts, photography or something else. I think of positive things in my life. I try to reinforce the positivity of the situation like tell myself over and over again why I am staying alone in an unknown country.

Getting desperate is almost like being crazy. Your mind stops working and you lose your sanity. It is definitely not a place I want to be at. There have been numerous other situations where I have felt pangs of desperation. This is just one of them. Learning to get over your desperation is very similar to learning to get over your anger. It is an extreme negative emotions and with enough maturity one can handle it.

A CORNUCOPIA OF THOUGHTS

I Like it. I Love it. I Desire it. I Need it. I am Desperate for it. I Can’t have it. I am Depressed. This will Ruin me. Nothing I do Ends this. I Need to Let Go. It’s Hard. I am Practising it every day. I am Learning. I still Want it, but I am NOT Desperate. I have Moved on. I was Silly. I can do Better. Until……I Like it.

Human life is purposeless without passions and dreams and desires.

There are some things which you don’t need or want; you are desperate for them. At the same time, those things need not be relevant to you otherwise but that that particular moment in time.

On the one hand, a man in the cold winter night, out on the road can be desperate for a cup of steaming hot coffee while another can be desperate for the loving warmth of a loved one.

So many times, in my despair and my grief I had been desperate for something I could never have. I was desperate for my fathers loving embrace. I was desperate to hear him retake my name, to hear his voice boom in my house. I was aching to listen to the sound of his footfalls and the screeching halt of his car tyres. I was yearning for him to come and tell me all the unspoken things that I was feeling but was unable to say. That was more than six years ago, but even today there are days when I feel that I need him to come and tell me he is proud of me, that he is happy to see me evolving.

I was unwell a little while ago; those were the times of fear and gloom for me. I am somewhat of a hypochondriac, and that makes me needing someone to assure me again and again that everything will be alright. Those were the days I was yelling in my soul, screaming silently for my father. I was anguished for him, I needed him by my side, holding my hand and calming my fears.

Different people are desperate for different things at the different point of time. But none of us, trust me, none of us has been untouched by Desperation.

While a child is desperate for friends and company, a newly married couple feels the same for solitude. Where deaf crave to hear some noise, the normal want to shut their ears and block out all sound. While a tired man wants to sleep, a bored man is in need of work. I am in the city, and I am desperate for the simple village life, and my cousin in the village wants to switch places with me.

I am too small to explain such a huge phenomenon, but what I do know is that to be desperate is hard work. It is something you do 24/7 because you just can’t stop until you have acquired the object of your despondency. And if for one reason or another you are unable to have it, you can sink into deep depression and discomfort. It is a very consuming aspect as we can’t just shake it off.

Despairing for simple things like food, water, shelter and money can be met with sooner, but aspirations like love, happiness, contentment, possession, fame and success can lead us to live half a life that is full of nothing but long mourning of the unrealised desires of our proverbial heart. Everything good and positive in us is replaced by melancholy, pain, sorrow and unhappiness. It can make us lose our confidence and our empathy.

I would suggest you all be Desperate and to be desperate enough but to channel that energy into your goals and your purposes and your aims. There will be no use sitting in the confinement of your house and pacing your room while rubbing your knuckles. What will give you peace, reserve, harmony and stability is a greater understanding, knowledge with which we need to sort the things in our list of desires and rule out the entries that are unrealistic, unworkable and nonsensical.

Be Passionate. Be Driven. Not Desperate !

LET DESPERATION INSPIRE YOU, NOT RUIN YOU

Born and brought up in a lower middle class family, Sahil was always desperate to become a rich man. Though he never used unfair means in his life, he envied people travelling in luxurious cars and wearing plush brands. All he wanted was money, a lot of money. With his hard work and effort, he got a decent job in an MNC. His parents asked him to get married, but he refused, saying his earning was too less. His endeavour awarded him a job abroad. Scared of the outside world and their old age, his poor parents didn’t want him to leave. “Let me just earn good bucks, then I will take you to places in my Lamborghini”, he said. His innocent parents couldn’t even pronounce the word LAMBORGHINI properly, but gave their blessings for his new venture.

Years passed, the old eyes kept waiting for their son, but Sahil wanted to earn more. “Just 2 more years papa, and I will be able to buy that car”, Sahil said over one of the phone calls to his father. By the time he returned back to his home, his father had got a massive stroke and his body was paralysed. He got him treated in the one of the best hospitals, but the damage could not be reverted. “He wanted to dance at your wedding,” Sahil’s mom wailed.

With the latest I-phone in hand and suited in Armani, Sahil brought his parents back from the hospital in his Lamborghini. But, throughout the way, he kept on thinking about what his desperation had cost him.

A couple of days back, I read an amazing article on Sindhutai Sapkal, who’s India’s mother of orphans. Her ordeal started when she was just 10, forcefully married to a 20 year old man. She was thrown out of the house when she was 9 months pregnant, at 19, and delivered in a cow shed. Instead of sanitized medical scissors, she had to cut the umbilical cord with a rock lying there. Too weak and hungry, Sindhutai was desperately in search for food. She took shelter in a crematorium, and took the flour offered to the dead bodies, kneaded it and baked a chapatti over the fire of the burning dead body. She later found that she wasn’t alone on the streets. So, she started begging and procuring food for the orphans and became a mother for them. She has adopted more than 1200 orphans and has opened orphanage homes as well. Sindhutai could have ended up her life in desperation that day, but she got inspired to help others survive as well.

“Don’t allow your thoughts of frustration allow you to make decisions out of desperations.”- DeWayne Owens

DESPERATE, ARE YOU?

Desperation can be simply defined as despair resulting from unfulfilled aspirations. In other words, it is a feeling of hopelessness resulting from a deep desire/longing within the heart which has thus far remained unfulfilled. The feeling of desperation may not always be for big and lofty aspirations. What makes a person desperate depends upon his/her desire.

A fatherless child may be desperate for fatherly love. A person facing repeated failures may be desperate for a success. A couple in love may be desperate to make their relationship see the beautiful bond of marriage. An athlete may be desperate to win at various competitions. A person caught in the traffic may be desperate to reach the airport in time so as not to miss the flight. A poor woman on the street may be desperate to get just enough food so that her children don’t spend another hungry day.

Let’s not confuse desperation with desire. Desperation is one step ahead of desire. Desperation unsettles a person. It creates a sense of covert chaos which is many times reflected in the overt behavioural patterns. Desperation may lead a person to go beyond the set boundaries and end up doing the unwanted.

I am reminded of an incident from the history of Israel.

It was a time when food supplies had run short. The scarcity in the land was great and things that could never be considered to be food (donkey’s head and dove manure) were sold at a premium price. One day while the king of Israel was passing by, a woman called out to him for help. The king expressed his helplessness saying that there was no food available in the kingdom which he could offer her. But the woman had another problem. Unable to bear the pain of hunger, she had agreed with another woman to kill and eat their own children. So, they killed and cooked her son and ate. But, when the turn came for the other woman to give her son, she refused. And so, she wanted justice. Hearing this, the king tore his clothes in despair as the people of his kingdom had to stoop down to such a level.

The desperation for food drove two mothers to think of eating their children. Unimaginable for most of us! As horrific as this may seem, such incidents do happen in various parts of the world even today. Parents offering their children as sacrifices to deities – desperate to come out of financial debt and prosper in business. People drinking water from sewers and cooking with drain water in the absence of potable water – desperate to quench their thirst. Barbaric incidents of rapes and sexual crimes – desperate need to meet sexual urges.

Three chief causes of desperation

Firstly, it is situational. As in case of extreme hunger and poverty, it is the innate desire for survival which leads to a desperate act. The question of surviving with dignity or looking for choices does not even arise here. It is simply about existence. Such a desperation may cause one to do even the menial of tasks or even sell one’s self. Bonded labour and slavery are some such examples. The bonded labourers and slaves never had choices – they never could think of any. Poverty drove them to submit to the high and mighty. Desperation to save a dying friend, may lead one to flout the rules of the hospital. Urgency to reach the workplace in time, may make one to violate traffic rules.

Secondly, inability to accept NO for an answer. A spurned lover desperate to avenge his rejection, attacks the girl he claims to have been in love with. Being refused a toy by the mother, a child may go ahead and grab the toy or roll on the ground or hit his head on the wall.

Thirdly, inability to control one’s desires. A desperate longing to be wealthy makes many to take bribes, carry out illegal financial transactions and go in for unreasonable deals. Desperate sexual desires result in visiting prostitutes, raping minors and the aged, watching pornography, masturbation and other violent crimes.

The unsettling turbulent feeling of desperation ceases only when the object in question has been attained. We heave a sigh of relief in catching a running train that we were so desperate not to miss. A father-to-be beams with smiles as his desperate wait to see his wife through a safe delivery ends and he holds a healthy baby in his arms.

In other words, desperation comes to an end when the object of desperation is achieved. Desperation increases when the object in question seems far out of reach. We need to deal with desperation in a healthy way. Since it is a spontaneous feeling of anxiety, it won’t do much good to stifle it. Dealing with it rightly and helping others to do so, is the answer.

Have you ever felt desperate for something? How did you deal with it? Let’s share so that we have a repository of information as to how to deal with our desperate moments without wrecking our nerves or doing something atrocious.