I SURPRISE MYSELF by Shwetha

From dreaming a dreamy dream
with my eyes wide open to
living a lifeless life with my
soul completely broken;

I surprise myself by turning the
curve of my lips downside up,
pretending to beat the blues when
already my soul has blown-up.

I surprise myself by
breathing every day,
by letting fate, with me,
callously play.

I surprise myself by letting you
play with my heart again,
when you so carelessly smashed
it without realising my pain.

I surprise myself by letting you
make me believe, every time,
that I’m at fault,
when you are the one
never to apologize for all
your fierce assaults.

I surprise myself by offering
you my world which you
shattered time and again,
and how I end up apologising
to myself for making such
a blunder but still an excuse I feign.

Now when my eyes have chosen to
see beyond that dreamy haze,
I pick up those fallen morsels of me,
I apologize to them in all ways.

WHY DO I FAIL TO ACHIEVE MY DREAM?

Since my childhood, I had the dream to become an Architecture. Whenever I find any huge and modern infrastructure, I stare at it, even today I do that. Almost every other day my dad scolded me for stealing pins, paper clips and staple pins from his work desk and using them for the designing of my cardboard houses. After school and at free hours I used to spend time working on it. Modern infrastructures have always marveled me. Then, whenever any elderly person questioned me what do you want to become, my answer was “I want to be an Architecture”.

My three childhood dreams were – Will build huge modern buildings, will go for a cruise journey and my first international destination will be Thailand to see white elephants and then to The States. Though in the course of time I didn’t become an architecture but my first International flight was to Bangkok and Chiang Mai; hope the cruise one will fulfill someday.  

In our life, every day we dream colourful dreams and make fancy wishes. When a black shiny Lamborghini overtakes, we peep-out from our SUV and silently whisper within, “I wish I had”. At times we find attractive couples on road and silently urge “Aww…they are ‘Made for Each Other’, wish I have”. We visit our Elite friend house, we see his luxurious four-bed apartment and starts dreaming for such a posh apartment. Though we don’t need such an apartment still we either think about it or do everything on earth to get it. Alas… often much of our dreams never fulfill and we start cursing our life on earth.

We dream colourful dreams and always strive to bring it to reality. And, it is good! Even before a child takes birth his parents start dreaming about his future. They say (especially the fathers) my son will be an engineer, my son will be a doctor, so on and so forth. Yet sometimes we find our dreams won’t go our way and we start regretting.

Here the biggest question arises – WHY DO I FAIL TO ACHIEVE MY DREAM?

IS IT WRONG TO DREAM BIG?

No, not at all! In fact, it is our dream that generates the passion in our heart to achieve it. It is that passion which excites us even to go through many trials to achieve our dream. But often this passion and eagerness for the achievement of our dreams become uncontrollable. We start compromising with our ethics and morals. Finally, we had to pay a HIGH PRICE!

The Bible says,

“Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked.

A man reaps what he SOWS…”

MY DRIVING DREAM

One of the most cherished childhood memory is when one learns to ride a bicycle. I still remember when my father taught me how to ride my bicycle without supporters. He instructed that I have to take one round of the park and he will be holding the bicycle from the rear end. With hesitant and scared pedaling,  I started my way and was continuously telling my Papa not to leave his grip. When I was about to complete one round, I saw Papa standing at the start point and smiling at me. He said- “Look, you have learned to ride your bicycle yourself! “

Years later,  when I was officially an adult and riding my scooterette,  he coaxed me to learn his bike. Though I was hesitant initially,  he was sure that I will learn. And yes, I was riding his bike with gears all by myself! From 2 wheeler,  we progressed to 4 wheeler and he helped me to drive as well. Though he was always there to guide me, I couldn’t muster the courage to drive alone.

In after years,  when I moved to Dehradun,  my uncle helped me to gain confidence while reversing. He also let me drove his car in the enclosed township of his office. I was gleaming with joy and beaming with confidence. But,  only one thing was missing- the traffic! I knew how to drive, but not on the roads full of traffic.

After marriage and babies,  I wanted to be independent and so started taking lessons from driving school. The classes were over and the instructor told me that I only need to practice daily. Whoa!  Now that was tough. As they say – you cannot learn driving with your husband, I had no one else to look up to, who could go with me for my practice sessions. My husband tried to teach me though,  but with so many instructions simultaneously, I went berserk. With honking horns at traffic signals and following my husband’s diktat, my driving lessons became chaotic and stressful. Gradually, I lost confidence and hope. I don’t know whether I will be able to drive a car myself someday or not,  I feel it’s my unfulfilled dream. But “it’s only unfulfilled dreams that keep you alive”! So, probably, someday, somewhere, I will be driving my way through, all by myself.

INDEPENDENCE IS MY DREAM

NOTE: Excuse me if you find this write-up similar to “My Bucket List” but nevertheless it’s a part of that list.  And most importantly don’t draw any serious inference from the title for I am leading a blissful life.  And before you get sneak peek into my dreams here’s a small story that I want to share with you all:

In the year 2017, I met a stranger on my way back home after picking up my daughter from crèche. He approached me and asked me if I could just walk down the street with my baby and cross the VILLAN. Yes, you read and heard it right, I said Villan as I was accidentally offered a role of extra in a Flemish serial to be aired this year,  Undercover (name of the serial).  Yet no clue when I mean which month and if I will be seen or not, that was special to me as I earned for the first time after my marriage.  That was petty but was MINE.  I lived my otherwise so far elusive dream that day.

IMPORTANT NOTE: We had to do four to five re-takes (I was perfect in walking though).

My Independence – Financial Independence has always been my dream. I have mentioned it so many times before as well.  I did enjoy that before getting hitched in wedlock. From taking petty odd tuitions to being an executive in a financial institution; from meager 1K to 30K+  per month in Indian currency and I had it all.  As the digits changed, as they ascended they gave immense pleasure. The increasing purchasing power in hand did boost up my confidence in being an equal supporter and contributor in the family.  Evolving standards of living did mark their presence felt in our merry times, felt fortunate and blessed.

Now after almost a decade of apparent unemployment (don’t miss to read between the lines) and reading innumerable times “We Regret To Inform You” I still yearn to live my dream once again. Though I am blessed to have a roof over my head and a comfortable life with no dearth of any sorts I have realized it was not the amount in hand but the role and the place in the set up that mattered.  The sense of being equal and being able to contribute makes a whole lot of difference, that’s my opinion though.  Nevertheless, that would take away nothing from millions of housewives working 24×7 to make things work and keep the flow intact for the family and I am an active member of this section.  Trust me, ladies, we are doing absolutely great!

But my longing for a job (my dream but not a dream job, will talk about it in another write-up) is not about just money only, for the Belgian Tax System suggests me to cool off my heels at home. For me it’s about my identity, interaction with the world outside, new learnings, regaining my confidence, enhancing the horizon of knowledge and more importantly it’s about one’s preparedness for the uncertainty that lies ahead in life. When life throws lemons at you, you be ready with your apparatus to make lemonade out of it 😂.

You can safely call me materialistic but my experience says that a pay cheque in your hand is not ONLY about purchasing power but it’s also about enhanced confidence of being an active partner when it comes to running affairs of the household; it’s about equally able to question as answerable you are; it’s about giving your family/partner an assurance that they are not alone in their journey; it’s about better preparation for future ( as said by the richest man Warren Buffet two streams of income are always better).

And this is what I suggest to my near and dear ones – strive for financial independence to ensure stability in the long run for economics do have an impact (if you know what I mean).

So I won’t stop dreaming about living my dream with and for my family. Though a lazy bug I am, I will surely work out a way to the realization of my dream one day – Hopeful and Willing too.

Anyways I  won’t mind facing the camera again 😂😂😉 (that’s called being over-ambitious and fantasizing).   Any suggestion on this path of dream realization is welcomed.

TRIUMPH IN FAILURE

 

Wings, I had wings

To soar high without any attached strings.

 

Dreams, I had dreams

To be the cream in the midst of creams.

 

Goals, I had goals

To touch many parched souls.

 

Ways, I knew the ways

To move on ahead along the coasts and the bays.

 

Steered, through every winding road I steered

No hill, valley or desert I ever feared.

 

Pinnacle, yes my aim was the pinnacle

To reach there, I needed a miracle.

 

Efforts, I put in hard and smart efforts

And I was offered all available supports.

 

Changes, alas there arose changes

In the contours of life’s ranges.

 

Questions, many questions

Gripped at all times the head and heart.

 

Faith, in God strong faith

Was the anchor while the river was in full spate.

 

Alone, never did I feel alone

Remembering always that God is still on the throne.

 

Own, never would He forsake His own

In hopelessness I would never bemoan.

 

Shine, for His grace shall on me shine

And not let me sorrowfully whine.

 

Hope, indeed I have a blessed hope

That I would in darkness never grope.

 

Victory, awaits me sweet victory

To bring an end to this journey’s story.

MY DREAM OF BEING A WELL-KNOWN DANCER

I just love to step into my dancing shoes – literally and figuratively. Dancing makes me happy and confident. It is one of my so many passions and since I was a kid, I wanted to be a well-known dancer. Now let’s define ‘well-known’, it has a different definition for each person and for me, the definition kept changing over the years.

I never had any formal training in dance, so quite soon in my life, I realized that I won’t go far with this ambition. Did I take any formal training? No, because I was busy with life and always had my hands full of something or the other. When I started working in GE Bangalore right after college, I was absolutely delighted to know that they had a dance group. They had multiple different events all throughout the year enough to keep this dance group on its toes. In my 8 years stint in GE, I have done at least 15 or so performances. Some of them were repeats but yes, those were performances. I loved that time of my life. Late evening and weekend practices, learning those new moves and always eager to teach coaches. It was a fun loving group which gave me a lot of friends.

However, there were some consequences of being known as a “dancer” at my workplace. When I left GE, I knew for sure that I would never mix up work life with my dance life. The two don’t blend well together because at my workplace I want to be known for my work. So, I joined Philips with a clear goal in my head that work would mean work alone. At the same time, I also conceived my son which meant I had practically now no time for a dance. Being a new mom took a good amount of toll on me.

Still, I did not give up. I took up Zumba when my baby was just 4 months. And the first time I did Zumba, I came back crying because I realized how stiff and heavy my body had become to even think of dancing ever. Slowly and gradually, with years of Zumba training – I could sustain more than an hour of the session. I even had the ambition of becoming a Zumba instructor myself – but gave up looking at my fitness levels.

Where am I now with my dream of being a well-known dancer? Well, people at work still know that I dance well (though I am not known for it). I still do Zumba but limited. I sometimes try to practice on my own in my bedroom on some Bollywood numbers. Recently, I choreographed a couple of dances for kids in the apartment and performed myself also in a group. This was done on Ganesha chaturthi last year. A few years from now when my son grows up enough, I can probably take up dance classes for kids or maybe even adults. I would definitely do something about it, just waiting for the right time. I hope that I don’t stay this busy with my life all my life to pursue this dream.

THE DREAM I FAILED TO ACHIEVE

According to science, dreams are the stories that our mind narrates while we sleep. These are involuntary. But there are some dreams which are seen while we are wide awake.  These dreams help us in setting goals in our life. Due to this, we start believing in ourselves. We make efforts and then, we become aware of our capabilities. When we dream about achieving something, we know, we have something to look forward to. We give our best to fulfill our dreams. Every person on earth has at least one dream. Sometimes, our dreams shatter and remain unfulfilled. The reason may vary but when dreams shatter, it hurts in the same way.

After passing 11th I decided, the law would be a promising career for me. When I was in 12th, during pre-boards, I expressed my desire of pursuing law. My parents and some relatives thought I was being childish. As, in our Indian society, IIT and Medical are preferred. So, nobody acceded. When board exams were over, I said I will be taking admission in Law. And then, it was family versus Prerna. Papa was angry and then lots of discussions happened. He was the speaker for most of the time in discussion and obviously, I was at the receiving end.

I had dreamt of studying in a reputed college and having a bright college life. I had dreamt of winning accolades and what not. Next year, I appeared in the entrance exam of law and I qualified it. I was more than happy. But again, it was the same discussion again and again. I tried hard to convince them. Those were the days when I was crying on a daily basis. My parents thought engineering would be the best for me. They won finally and I was enrolled at a college which was just opposite of the college I dreamt about. Nothing was good there and it is still the same. Honestly speaking, I hate my college life though I managed to score good marks. But every single day my soul would question me, “what are you doing to yourself?” I had no answers.

I wanted to learn classical dance (Even today, I want to learn the same). But again my father didn’t accede to my wish. He thought I should focus only on my academics. Being a trained classical dancer, was also a dream that I had dreamt since childhood. Whenever I see my cousins dancing elegantly I felt sorry for myself. But now that I have grown up, I have decided that I will fulfill this dream of mine.

The motivation for choosing law was to help the deprived section of society and to fight for the underprivileged. Though I am not a lawyer, I will surely stand for the welfare of underprivileged. I have faith in my writings.

It was not that I never tried to convince my family. I did. But God had some other plans for me and probably that’s why I am here. However, I have no grudges or complaints against my parents or anybody. I love them and I am thankful for the kind of upbringing they gave.

Dreams are indeed beautiful but we should never let the desire die. We must not lose hope. Life is all about ups and downs. It is a rollercoaster and there will be times, went the rollercoaster will go down or will thrust you. So what, if one dream got shattered, we will dream something new and will fulfill that one. The winner is one who knows how to survive the hard times.

Concluding,  I would love to share what I always say, “Instead of wishing, why not trust our caliber?”