WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO HAVE SEX?

A 12 year old asked her Sex Education teacher, “What is the right age to have sex?”

Teacher was quiet for a while, wondering how to rightly answer that question and then a nice idea props up in her head.

“Tell me, what will happen if you feed Pizza to 2 weeks old baby?” Children look at each other and then one boy speaks up – “You can’t”

Teacher asks – “Why not?” and there is silence in the room. Teacher smiles and further says, “Because the baby’s body is not grown up enough to digest the Pizza. The baby’s digestive system is only made to digest milk at that time. If you feed him Pizza, it might even kill the baby or seriously damage his/her digestive tract”

Now teacher throws another question at the class of students, “What happens when you try to teach a 1 year old kid multiplication of 2 numbers?” The class now starts laughing. “It is not possible” somebody shouts at the back.

“Yes right, it is not possible because a 1 year old brain is not intelligent enough to understand that level of mathematics”

Then she says something that makes all kids think, “Just like a few weeks old body cannot digest pizza and a 1 year old brain cannot comprehend mathematics – the same way a child’s body or his/her brain is not prepared to handle sex at a younger age. Sex is meant for grown-ups (read adults) because unlike animals we live in a society which works on certain principles. Coming to your question – what is the right age to have sex? I would say that marriageable age has been defined as 18 for girls and 21 for boys and this has been done considering that by that age most human beings are mature enough to handle physical and emotional consequences of sex.”

“Sex is a complex process. It involves our hormones which cause major physical changes in our bodies and our emotions. What these hormones do to our emotions is something that you cannot comprehend at this stage. But you need a good emotional maturity to handle that kind of upheaval. “

“An institution of marriage was created for a few very simple reasons – to create loving families for the children born out of sex between 2 adults, to create a society that supports 2 adults when they go through this emotional upheaval and to make the bond between 2 individuals stronger and committed.”

“If you have sex with your marital partner – your families and society supports you. If you have sex before marriage – well, then you land yourself in a very risky position. If you both finally end up breaking up – then the emotional upheaval that was surfaced during sex creates havoc and it becomes very difficult to get out of that relationship and start afresh. Moreover sex before marriage is without a commitment, hence the chances of being cheated or used are way higher which also puts both the individuals at the risk of emotional disturbance/depression.”

“The number of suicides today among youngsters which are because of a failed love life is alarming. Pre-marital sex is one of the big reasons. So, consider when you make your choices.”

PICKING UP THE FALLEN REINS AND MOVING FORWARD

She kept checking her mobile for a missed call or a message every five minutes, even though the ringing volume was adjusted to the maximum. How can seven years of love wither away so easily? It has been a year to the day they “broke up” and she had spent each day of this year hoping for a call or message from him… hoping that he would miss her… that he would come back to her… that happy days would be back again.

In her heart of hearts she knows it’s best if he doesn’t come back. She is the topper in her Engineering College, while he had just managed to scrap pass. She is fairly good looking, while he stood no match before her. She has a lustrous career before her, while he spends his days in idleness. Oh! How violently had he reacted when she had gently reminded him of the beauty of their relationship and urged him to build up his career! She had even gone to the extent of saving all her pocket money to get him enrolled in a reputed University only to realize later that she had been fooled.

As she looks back at the lies spoken, the physical and verbal abuses hurled at her time and again, the false assurances and the vagaries of his behavior, she feels utterly cheated. Tears roll down at any unannounced moment. Her career has taken a toll. Her health has broken down. Grappling with depression and suicidal thoughts, she feels there is no hope left…no reason why she should live. “Why did God allow this to happen in my life?”, she asks.

But, she has decided that she won’t let the rest of her life be ruined. She would pick up the strings and head for a new start amidst the flowing tears and burning heartache.

The accounts of a broken relationship may be different. But, the emotional trauma holds true for all. When the illusion fades away, the pain becomes even more evident. The wounds appear fresh every day till an effective balm is someday applied. Forgiveness erases the bitterness and what remains is just a memory.

THE STRUGGLE WITH HEARTBREAK

Love is a many splendored thing, wrote Shakespeare. If you are a student of English Literature, you will know that one of the meanings of this line is that love, among other things, gives meaning to life.

However, does the opposite hold true with heartbreak? If love gives meaning to life, does heartbreak take away that meaning, thus ridding us of the will to live? It might seem like that, as I learned during my period of utmost heartbreak many years ago.

But having endured heartbreak and rediscovering life and love once again, I have become a firm believer that everything in life does not happen by chance. It is a part of a bigger design, a higher thought, a deeper more vast power.

In the beginning, it seemed like the forbidden fruit, and forbidden it was indeed. The cute guy sitting in my college classroom wanting to be my friend had virtual “stop signs” written all over him. I was confused, how could something that seemed so right, be so wrong? I enjoyed the adulation, the attraction, the connection. Yet, every bone in my body knew this was wrong. And I, went with the flow.

And there began the most twisted, toxic “relationship” there ever was. You could tell that he was using me; somewhere in the deepest part of my soul even I knew he was using me. But the heart, you know, is a strange thing. Even when the mind is trying to be rational, the heart will reason the opposite.

My mind told me, have you gone nuts? How can you not see how he is ruining you? My heart answered, get lost, mind! I know I can fix him, I know that if I show him more love, he will surely love me the way I love him.

My friends would call me, but I would not answer the phone – what if “the boyfriend” called and the line was engaged? I would not be able to speak to him! My friends would want to take me out for dinner, but I would not go. What if “the boyfriend” wanted to have dinner – I would not be able to spend time with him.

And that was just the beginning.

There was a time when he got a little too friendly with another girl. She’s just a friend, he would insist, but would spend hours with her.  I was slowly going insane.

After a year of this madness, my friends slowly stopped calling me.  And the list of “friends” (girls) in “the boyfriend’s” list slowly increased. And yet, I stuck around, thinking it will get better, it will turn around for the better.

It only got worse. This was year number three.

One night, I took him out to dinner. I mustered up all my courage to say, listen, this is not working out. I can’t take this anymore. His response to that was, okay. That’s it.

That “okay” was, I believe, one of the most cruel things anyone has ever told me in my life. Somewhere in my heart, I expected he would stop me, ask me why I was saying these things, repent, change. No, not really.

However, from then onward, began my journey of healing. I actually went through the 5 stages of grief that most psychologists talk about.

It started with denial, of course. I told myself, he couldn’t live without me. He’ll be back. He didn’t come back.

The next phase was anger – a better word to use here is rage. I have never felt more contempt, more disgust, more vengeful for anyone else in my life.

After that came bargaining – all the prayers, the requests to God and to him, didn’t work either.

Then came the longest phase of this healing process – the depression. I was depressed for more than a year. The joy and laughter had gone away from my life (it had actually gone much earlier, but this was the clincher).

By the time the last phase of the process came about, the acceptance bit, I began to find myself again. I began to love my single life. My friends, the sweetest people that they are, returned, and were so glad I gave up the filth in my life.

It was around that time – after two years of healing – that my now brother-in-law introduced me to Rohan, a man who would change the course of my life again, this time for the best. Here is the account of that tale.

Whenever I counsel anyone today, I can totally empathise with them – especially when a heartbreak is involved. I don’t know why God made me go through that pain and suffering for almost 4 years – but is it possible that God made me go through all that, just so I can help other young people through their pain? I’d like to think of that as a possibility. And I thank Him for that.

Through this experience, I have learned many lessons. Here are the most important ones:

  • Trust your innermost being, and what it tells you. This is probably God trying to warn you about the pain you are about to endure.
  • Trust your friends – if all of them have the same judgment about someone, it is possible that they are right.
  • Trust his/her words/actions – believe me, if it not for real, it will show in their actions. Does he/she seem far away even though he/she is in front of you? If the answer is yes, and yes all the time, then it is quite possible that this is not meant to be.
  • Don’t give up. A failed relationship need not be the end. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Things WILL look up, for sure. Trust in God.

I find it so easy to share my past with the world today, because of the loving husband God has given me. As I write this, he read the first draft and said, this is heartfelt, I am sure people will connect with this story.

Don’t think heartbreak is the end of your life – if love gives meaning to life, heartbreak gives the lessons.

Time to embrace both.

WHAT ARE THE POSSIBLE REASONS OF GETTING REJECTED?

So far we have known what is the scientific and psychological aspect of Rejection? We are also aware of the fact that ‘Rejection’ has been experienced by everyone at a point of time in life and that its consequences are inevitable. I would like to tug at the emotional aspect of rejection. It does make me cringe and I know you will too as this is really not a comfortable topic to talk on.

No one wants to be rejected at any point in life as we all don’t want to be left alone but why does rejection happen in the first place? I may not be correct but my words come out from what I have experienced in my life. Often we fail to resist certain things in life where we were supposed to do it. For example, during preparation for an exam you could not resist watching the television where you needed to concentrate on studies. And thus, you were not chosen as the one who was among the best scorers in the test. This is just one form of rejection. There are other areas also where we get rejected.

Another situation tells us that the ideals in you are not always accepted by others therefore you are rejected. This is involuntary. No, I am not telling you to change your morals. I too have been rejected because of these two reasons. But that did not stop me from believing in myself and giving myself a chance to see good in others and as well as within me.

The One whose teachings I follow was rejected by a mass of people and it is inevitable that I too would face rejection. But following His example I learnt to correct myself in the ways in which I was wrong and trust me this is indeed a very long process. I was not alone in this. God was with me.

We can channelize our inner strength so that we can resist certain things in life and try to learn to build trust with people around us. Rejection too happens when there is the absence of trust. Sometimes we don’t put in much effort to build the trust and stop listening to our ideal self ( by which I mean the right thing and not what I think is right). But there is light at the end of the tunnel and this is just a phase. As soon as you start keeping faith in the One above and hope, you will find yourself gradually coming out of the phase. Now you have learned to handle rejection.

— Ruth Samarpita Sarkar

7 FACTORS TO RECONCILE WITH YOUR LOVED ONES & RESTORE A BROKEN RELATIONSHIP

‘Re’ is a very interesting prefix and has been used to explain something good. For example, ‘Re-union,’ ‘Re-store,’ ‘Re-conciliation,’ ‘Re-build’ and so on. But the actions involved in all these words are not easy or very difficult. I mean to say, reunion of old friends and family members is a difficult task to undertake and doesn’t happen often but it is something which is really good & is a beautiful thing to happen for everybody involved in it. Rebuilding an old house is an amazing experience though very difficult. Similarly, Reconciliation and Restoration of broken relationships are utterly difficult.

One of my younger cousins has named me as ‘Glue Man,’ because I love & try to keep my cousins together despite of regional & other differences in us. I literally hate dissension and strain in any relationship. I do not like to stay away or stop talking or communicating for long after a fight or difference of opinions. I love to keep the relationship on and on in every situation.

Because, I believe a relationship is that what gives us the strength and reason to live and survive. A relationship is the only potion that prevents and cures loneliness, depression, distress and sadness. A relationship is the only mean and measure that helps us to find a way. A relationship gives us authority on each other’s lives. A relationship is the radar or rudder of our life boat. When a relationship is broken we find ourselves in the middle of the sea, sinking down in the water inch by inch.

I feel burdened when I look around and find many broken relationships in the world today. My heart aches when I see a home torn wide apart and shattered. I feel so sad to see a child getting parted and divided physically, mentally & spiritually between two separated or divorced parents. I feel sorry for the parents who are being driven out of their homes by the children. I feel bad when the brothers fight for a piece of land and cut off their relationships with each other forever.

I know there are many among us who are broken yet want to be united back again with their loved ones. I know there are many husbands who want their wives to come back to their arms. I feel the need of many wives who are desperate to reconcile with their husbands. And I also know that it’s never too late to mend a broken relationship. It’s never impossible to get back, reconcile and restore the strained relationship. It’s never shameful to get back to your loved ones.

But the biggest difficulty that stands as mountain before us is – HOW TO RECONCILE? HOW TO REBUILD? HOW TO RESTORE? HOW TO START?

I have 7 very simple yet important factors that will help us to reconcile & rebuild a broken relationship which are mentioned as under:

  1. Feeling the Need:
    A relationship can be restored only when we have the desire to reconcile and rebuild. Unless we have a longing to come together or unite together we can’t imagine of rebuilding. For example if I think “She doesn’t show any interest to reconcile” then I would be sure that I am not ready to reconcile. When we feel the relationship with our loved ones needs to be restored because of our own need then we know that we are ready to take a step forward towards restoration.
  2. Taking the first step:
    I have seen that in life, we always tend to expect the first initiation from the opposite party. I have also had the experience in my own life that if I want to reconcile then I have to take the first step. I can’t expect that somebody will come and give me a glass of water when I feel thirsty. I need to express my feelings or ask for a glass of water or get it myself. The process of reconciliation and rebuilding starts when we take the first initiation in response to our own need.
  3. Expecting Denial:
    When we are on the verge of rebuilding & restoring we should always be ready for denial to our attempts. The other person may not want to rebuild or reconcile initially. So we should not be disappointed with her/his denial, we should be ready to face that and accept it in a very positive way.
  4. Patience is the Key:
    We should never lose our patience. We always need to remember that “breaking is much easier than rebuilding.” We need patience. We need perseverance. We have to keep coming again and again to reconcile. And one day when we succeed we have to start rebuilding slowly.
  5. A Humbling experience:
    It is really not at all easy to come again and again expecting a response to our invitation to reconcile and restore a strained relationship. It is a humbling experience. We need humility along with patience to break the wall between us and our loved ones. When we face denial our ego may challenge us to take a step back and stop thinking of bending down again. We might have patience to come again but we might not stay calm when we hear absurd & hurting words from the other side. We need to remind ourselves that rebuilding was our need and we have to bend down again and again to reconcile, to recreate and to rebuild.
  6. Asking Forgiveness:
    We may say, ‘I was not wrong’ when we are allowed to come close to the person with whom we want to restore our relationship. But we should remember that we were also part of that act of breaking our relationship. So we need to ask forgiveness from our partner, from our children, from our parents or whoever it may be.
  7. Having Faith in Our Love:
    The Bible says ‘love never fails.’ It is true. When we have true love springing up from our heart nothing can stop us. Love really never fails. So we need to have faith in our love for our beloved. That will win the battle for us.

I have never mentioned that these are the 7 steps to reconcile & rebuild, rather I said that these are the 7 important factors involved in the process of reconciling and rebuilding. All these factors have to work together. It’s not that we should finish the first step and then try out the second one. All these have to work together and then only we can expect a rebuilt relationship.

Friends! Let’s start our reconciling & rebuilding process with a word of prayer. May God bless us to cherish a reconciled and rebuilt relationship.

Author’s Bio: Chiradeep Patra is a finance man who works in a NGO at Kolkata. He is a writer, motivator & counselor.