Since our childhood we all dream colourful dreams and strive to do the best to make our dreams a reality. But alas, in the mid-way sun sets, years of those colourful dreams seem like fairy tales and in bitterness we wish ‘Death’ as conclusion. Isn’t it?

There was a boy, who was an intense dreamer since his schooldays but since the final year of his graduation he stopped dreaming about his own life. Whenever he smiled looking at others he talked about others than himself. When he prayed he prayed, ‘God my desire is to see my wife like this. I wish my family would be like this’ and so on… But when he opens his eyes his smile fades away and he is reminded of his past – ‘If your dream will be busted again, what you shall do?’

Couple of year back I met a girl in a public gathering, she is highly qualified, beautiful and very friendly in behavior. We became good friends, we started chatting and sharing thoughts every day but all the time I found her quoting one sentence ‘Death is always a better option. No life…No pain’. Primarily, I thought she is little philosophical but the continuous recurrence, made me to question her ‘WHY do you think death is a better option?’ Then she unfolded me her staggering story of her past.

Why there is so much bitterness in life? Why our dreams are followed by past reminders? Why we are stabbed by our bitter pasts? Why we think death is a better option?

Sir William Blake says, ‘This life’s dim windows of the soul Distorts the heaven from pole to pole And leads you to believe a lie, when you see with, not through, the eye”.

Once I asked that boy, why you are always reminded of your bitter past? He answered, because deep inside I am fearful. Then I asked the girl, what is that stabbing pain which troubles you even now? She answered, it is my hopelessness.

Yes… though we know that we can’t go back and correct our past but still the past appears in our present, making our life bitter because we have started believing the lie – I have lost everything, there is no hope for me. I am a Corpse. We always see with the eye but not through the eye.

When people on death row are praying for life, we are alive (despite of all odds) but still we are seeking death.


It is because deep inside our hollowness, our emptiness are eating us always. Though despite of the darkness of our past, God has shown us the bright light of hope by keeping us alive… but still we believe the lie of the existence of our past and we tend to beat that old drum – “I have lost everything, there is no hope for me. I am a corpse.”

God has promised me, “I will never leave you nor forsake you. I am holding you in my right hand. Behold, I have engraved you upon the palms of my hands; your walls are continually before me.

Am I still fearful of my past because I still believe in the lie. Am I ignoring that God (the Omniscient – Omnipotent – Omnipresent ONE) who is holding my hands. Am I not much more valuable than just a sparrow to Him? Am I not created in His IMAGE?

Stop believing the lie… Start seeing through the eye!



It was an arranged marriage for Sandhya. Like any newlywed bride, she was a little nervous on her first day at a new place. Though her husband seemed to be a nice guy, she was particularly worried about her mother-in-law.

Sandhya was a night owl before marriage and hated getting up early. However, now she had managed to get up at 7. Hurriedly she got out of her bed to prepare bed tea for her in- laws. To her surprise her mother-in-law was already in the kitchen preparing breakfast. “Never mind”, she said to herself, “ I will get up at 6 tomorrow”. She got up at 6 the next day, but again her mother in law was already awake. She asked her, “Mummy what time do you get up?” “We get up at 5″, her mother-in-law replied, “not like youngsters like you these days getting up so late”.

Sandhya felt offended to hear such a response from her new mom. Her father in law was a retired person, while her husband used to leave home for office at 10 and used to come back late. She had managed to get up early only to face the wrath of her mother-in-law​.

She decided to prepare lunch for her husband, but her mother-in-law intervened saying “My son likes only the food that I prepare ”.

“At least I can try”, she said. Her  mother-in-law​ agreed and she enthusiastically cooked “baigan Ka bharta”. At lunch, her father in law praised her preparation but her mother in law snapped at him saying, “Salt is less, I would have made it better”.

Sandhya was shattered and wept the whole day. She told her husband about the ordeal, who said that his mother is like that only and it’s Sandhya who needs to adjust.

Years passed and the behaviour of Sandhya’s mother in law did not change, even after she became a mother of a girl and a boy. She felt traumatized all the time and used to cry a lot. Her kids would ask about her tears, but she always used to move away from them. She felt that she has nothing left in her life. She also tried committing suicide, but   stopped everytime thinking about her children. She suffered from frequent migraines, hypothyroidism, spondylitis and continuous back ache. Her daughter, Jiya, who was now 12, saw her mom’s agony.

“Dadi is like that mom, why do you bother? Why do you let her  bitterness come  to you? Ever since I  have seen you, you have always been crying. I want you to be happy mom, please for our sake, stop thinking so much. Just live happily for yourself, live happily for us”.

Sandhya couldn’t believe that her little girl had grown so big. Jiya was true. All these years, she had filled her life with negativity and bitterness. She had forgotten how to be happy because of nagging mother-in-law and non-supportive husband​.

“I have had enough now”, she told her daughter. “Now, I’m going to live for myself and for you both”.


While talking about such a controversial topic I ought to put up a disclaimer right in the beginning. It’s not that I am an atheist. I do believe in God. But my relationship with God is different. I have my own doubts and questions. I do not wish to hurt anyone’s religious sentiments and I apologise if have.

Tanu’s life turned upside down when her husband lost his brief but painful battle with cancer..

Anirudh was left wondering what he did wrong when after putting in a lot of hard work and toil was still given the pink slip at the end of the month. All because of devious office politics..

Both responded in the same way… Where is God? Why did he let this happen? Why is life not fair? Why are good people punished.

Just picking up the newspaper and reading about the killings and rape fills me with bitterness. I mean all people good or bad are God’s creation. Then why does he create such extreme emotions in people? And again the biggest irony is that most of the killings happen in the name of God.

When something really tragic happens to really devout people. People who don’t miss out on any Pooja or ritual or fasting and otherwise are also good people at heart I really have this question. Why? Why O why did God punish them?

I know what you will say. That it’s beyond us to understand the ways of God. But we should accept that whatever happens, happens for good. We can’t understand God’s plans. I know maybe you are right. I have had long discussions with my father in law about this. He has tried to make me understand. I understand too but when circumstances change the doubt creeps back again into my mind. Maybe whatever happens, happens for good in the long run. But what good can come out of suffering of small children at the hands of adults, or brutal rapes or untimely death in the family.

Like all of us even I have got desensitized to news.  When we read about some bad news it does rankle but we tend to forget about it very soon. But when someone close to us suffers then it really pinches, we want to set things right but it’s not in our hands. That’s when the angst creeps in and questions like why God is really doing this come into my mind.

(Pic Collected from Internet)

My good friend Chiradeep has tried many a times to clear my doubts, remove some of the bitterness from my mind. Maybe in some time his efforts would yield results… God willing…