EFFECTS OF BAD WORDS ON CHILDREN

Foul Languages and cursing have always been considered as bad whether you shout against injustice or you are among the hooligans.  When we were kids we used to hear many such profanities of people fighting with each other on the street.  And when a drunkard used to use those languages and shout walking on the roads we used to hide ourselves behind the parapet of the balcony and watch them with our eyes wide open. Sometimes we were driven out by our elders off the balcony to stop hearing or looking at them. And I remember when we used to enact those actions of such people using those foul words we used to get the beatings from our moms. But these languages have all the more bad and have an adverse effects on children when parents do that to their little ones. I will bring THREE very vital effects of the foul words on the young minds of children.

Learning Bad Behaviour

Children often imitate their parents and elder siblings who abuse them with bad or foul words. They just tend to learn those words and speak later whether they fully understand those words or not. Sometimes they use those words in the school and get punishment from the teachers. They get humiliated for behaving bad or using bad words all because of their parents.

Poor Stress & Anger Management

Abusing with bad words at the children can lead them to believe that using coarse words is an acceptable way of dealing with anger, frustration and stress. They take the examples of their parents and their actions get registered in their young subconscious minds. When they grow up they display or react in the similar manner. Recurrent cursing or verbal abuse could lead them to have trouble at school and difficulty forming and maintaining close relationships. As adults, they might have trouble asserting themselves in their career and intimate relationships.

Affects their Self-Esteem

When parents curse at their children, use abusive words that can be emotionally devastating for them. Children are emotionally vulnerable and depend on their parents’ reactions to form healthy self-esteem and a positive sense of self. When they curse at their child out of their own frustration and anger, they might internalize their parents’ hostility. They tend to feel worthless and unloved. Ultimately lowering their self-esteem.

I picked up few abusive words in my own native language that I had learnt when I was small. Sometimes, I use them when I pass comments on someone jokingly and not taken as an offense but I am sure some might have got hurt for that also without my knowledge.

There two Bible verses that attract me in this regard –

“Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear.”

“Let your speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that you will know how you should respond to each person.”

As parents, as elders what do you do when you are angry on your children? Do they feel pressed down by your words or feel the grace when they hear your words? Do you use foul words to scold them? Do you shout at others using abusive words in front of your children? Mind it, they pick those words and can hurl them at others or you sometime later.

Keep reading and keep learning…

Stay Blessed!

WHY CHILD MARRIAGE?

I experienced a flavor of Child Marriage when I was teaching a bunch of kids as part of a volunteer’s team at my workplace. It was a college going girl not yet 18 years of age who was getting married. She was my student and quite a bright one.

I remember my conversations with her.

“What to do, ma’am? My parents are forcing me. He comes from a good family.”

“He is also earning well. My parents say that he will keep me happy. I think so too.”

“I have never met him but my brother says that he is a decent guy”

In all my conversations with her, all I could feel was that she was brainwashed to believe that this is supposed to be best that she can get. We tried getting in touch with her parents, trying to explain them why she needs to complete her education first and be independent first. But all in vain! She got married at 16 and I never heard from her again.

She did not get the wings to fly, a single chance to explore and build her own identity. Why? Because the guy is earning well and comes from a good family. Is that enough?

I was 22 when my parents started a groom search for me. And every time they found a guy who was earning well and comes from a good family – I would be haunted by it. I was quite over the permissible age of marriage and hence cannot really compare it with the child marriage but I was quite a child, not as mature to really know what marriage means and what companionship really is. I could have been easily molded into whatever my husband and his family wanted. I could have never been a person with my own opinions and aspirations. Eventually, I got married at 25 to the guy I loved and I still think that it was early.

Well, coming back to child marriage. I cannot imagine what a 15 year old girl would go through when she is married off to a guy who comes from a good family and is earning well. With a minimum level of education – she is totally at the will of her husband and his family. They can keep her happy like the queen of the house or they can make her a servant who is never paid. Either ways, it is a loss for her because it is not as per her own wish. Where was she given a chance to explore her own thoughts and build her identity on them?

I get shivers when I think how would she take off her clothes and be intimate with a man she hardly knows. To what levels she would have to surrender herself for the sake of her survival? Physically, financially, mentally and socially; in every aspect of her life she would only have to survive on her husband. What a pity? Why do we have to do this to our daughters?

Empowered individuals create empowered societies and cities and nations and world. Subjugating half the population of the world in the name gender is only going to pull the whole world down.

MEMBERS ARE THE HONOR OF A FAMILY

Both Honor Killing and Domestic Violence are related to family or its members… Both are caused within the boundary of a family and by one or more of the family members.

Let’s talk about domestic violence first…

I won’t forget the evening when I was very angry. My anger reached to the highest level and I was simply out of my mind. I was beating the wall and the air in anger almost hurting myself because there were some arguments which made me angry on my family members. My poor wife wanted to stop me from hurting myself who came in front of my raging fist and hurt herself badly. Her thumb broke as she wanted to hold my hands. Even we don’t remember whether it was because of my fist or the wall or the bed which her thumb came across when it broke… That is immaterial…

It was accident…not at all intentional… BUT I REGRET IT!

My anger could have caused her even greater loss than what she had suffered or still suffering… I am not defending myself or acknowledging my mistakes here but want to a family member’s anger leads to domestic violence… Anger is the emotion which leads to such deadly acts inside the cosy environment of a family.

I had a talk with Kuljeet regarding this issue and her view was as under:

Firstly, Upbringing of the husband plays a big role… He has been taught that he is superior, he needs to control his wife and even if he is a nothing in the outside world he becomes the supreme king in his house by suppressing the easiest target in the house – his wife.

Secondly, the upbringing of the woman who is taught right from childhood to adjust and not come crying back to her parents after marriage even in houses like yours and mine if a woman complains about anything on her sasural (in laws house) the first things parents would say that you need to compromise a little, initial hiccups will come, come to us only when u think the problem is too huge.. 

I have been teaching history to my sons and together we have covered quite a few civilisations. Do you know what is common among them? My son jokes that for all the civilisations the answer to the question “What was the status of women in xyz civilisation?” we can safely write a few points like it was a patriarchal society, the women were considered inferior or the women were not allowed to own property, study, cast vote or take part in government decisions or read religious scriptures. And to my surprise he was right with the exception of only handful like early Vedic period the position of women was always inferior to men. This is what we are teaching our children today also.

The cases of domestic violence reported daily is a proof that the mind-set of male superiority is still prevalent.

And mind you the so called class and money and education has not improved the mentality of the people. Just google and see celebrities like Actress Rati Agnihotri, Miss World Yukta Mookhey,  TV actress Sweta Tiwari, Bollywood actress Zeenat Aman, etc etc, women who have earned a name for themselves in the world have faced domestic violence at home.

Sadly the women in our Indian society have been taught to adjust to the environment of their marital house and not complain. This leads to the cases of domestic violence not being reported or reported very late, after undergoing years of torture. These women start believing that they deserve such treatment because of something they have done or could not do. They keep trying to please their tormentor thinking that things will improve. But alas this gives the husband (the tormentor) more power over them.

There are many a tell-tale signs of domestic abuse. We in the society tend to ignore it saying that it’s their ‘Ghar ka mamla’ or domestic matter. We should stop this attitude. If you see a victim of domestic violence, help her gather the strength to report it.

So controlling natural emotions and changing certain mediocre mindsets can really help  getting rid of domestic violence to a greater extent.  

Now talking about honor killing I had a talk with Kalpana who gave me her thoughts which was quite interesting about the so called honor of the family. Let’s read her thoughts as under:

A girl complaining to her mother about a guy stalking her. The instant reaction is to hush her down saying don’t let this spread around saying “aakhir parivaar ki izzat ka sawaal hai” (it’s a question of family honour), and the reaction remains same even in the heinous crime committed without her will. The worst thing is when people try to find faults in the lady’s character.  Questions like what she was doing there at that hour of the day, why she trusted the person, why she dressed like that which provoked him and why only she was attacked among so many, it must be her fault only.

Terms like chastity, virginity, character are a woman’s prerogative only. And family honour is only her responsibility.  Would you believe if I say a woman in one village of Maharashtra was stoned to death because it was found out that she was not virgin at the time of marriage.  But it was later found it was her fiance only who was involved with her in trespassing the limit just few days before wedding.  But he backed out instead of supporting his wife and the result was blood and gore in the name of honour and the lady was made the scapegoat.

If a drunkard person beats his wife that’s a family matter, but if the lady raises voice and leaves him, we still have a majority of mindset that asks her to reconcile and compromise. Because they feel woman is weak and can’t sustain alone.  And again the entire blame is shifted towards the woman of the family and it is deemed it is her sole responsibility to keep the honour and family intact.

I quite agree with what she said above.

I remember in Jesus’ days once while He was teaching, people brought a woman caught in the act of adultery to Him for His verdict. But He said, “Let any one of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.”  And starting from older to younger left that place leaving the woman unharmed.

I am not supporting adultery neither Jesus did that day. But I am talking about our approach towards a human life. How quick we are to condemn a human in the name of false religiosity without a thought!  

I found a piece of information on family honor which literally took my mind away… The term called ‘Breast Ironing’.

Breast ironing, also known as breast flattening, is the pounding and massaging of a pubescent girl’s breasts, using hard or heated objects, to try to make them stop developing or disappear. It is typically carried out by the girl’s mother who will say she is trying to protect the girl from sexual harassment and rape, to prevent early pregnancy that would tarnish the family name, or to allow the girl to pursue education rather than be forced into early marriage. It is mostly practiced in parts of Cameroon, where boys and men may think that girls whose breasts have begun to grow are ready for sex. Some reports suggest that it has spread to the Cameroonian diaspora, for example to that in Britain. The most widely used implement for breast ironing is a wooden pestle normally used for pounding tubers. Other tools used include leaves, bananas, coconut shells, grinding stones, ladles, spatulas, and hammers heated over coals.

What a stupid and inhuman practice? My heart broke reading this… How lowly we can be in our thinking and actions!!!

Dear Parents! Your daughters are your honor and pride! Please keep and take care your honor and pride!

Stay Blessed!!!