WHAT PEOPLE SAY ABOUT HEARTBREAKS

Today, is the perfect time for reading few quotes on Heartbreaks when we have already talked about our personal stories. I will be definitely sharing my story tomorrow in the ‘Final Note’ so for now we can just enjoy the quotes from different people around the world as under:

“Sometimes a little heartbreak is a lesson, and the best thing to do is just learn the lesson.”  – Jon Voight

“If they’re singing about heartbreak, they’ve lived it.”  – Paula Abdul

“There is no better than adversity. Every defeat, every heartbreak, every loss, contains its own seed, its own lesson on how to improve your performance the next time.”

– Malcolm X

Keep reading and keep sending your feedback.

Stay Blessed!!!

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IT’S NOT HEART BREAK, IT’S MEMORY!!!

Bollywood movie “Mann” is my all time favorite movie. In this movie Actress Manisha Koirala just after making friendship with her Hero, recites a very powerful dialogue to the Actor Aamir Khan (Mr. Perfection) which I am quoting as under:

“Vishwas jitna aasaan hai,

usse todna usse bhi aasaan hai,

magar mushkil hai uss vishwas ko nibhana.

Aur Sacha Insaan wo hai jo uss vishwas ko tode nehi, balki nibhaye”.

We usually test the love stories on the basis of past experiences and learning. Most of  the love stories fall apart. Most from today’s generation have reversed from the true meaning of love. For us LOVE has become “Catch & Hatch” policy. The result of which is ‘HEART BREAKS’.

Our story had a fantastic beginning when I fell in love years back. For me it was like flying in the sky and having the ultimate joy in my life. I was addicted to be with her 24 x 7, which is never ever possible even for married couples. I counted my family, career, education, society and everything including my own self secondary because of her. But today when I look back I can say, “That was all an INFATUATION.”

Like the above phrase from the movie, in the beginning we both earned each other’s ‘vishwas’ (faith) so easily in less than couple of weeks and that ‘vishwas’ was also broken within a few months. Really it’s so true, our ‘vishwas’ was created and was broken within a span of weeks, but to maintain that ‘vishwas’ I struggled for 3 complete years.

In love relationship, once faith is broken nothing more remains except one thing – ‘Heart Break’. A broken heart never makes noise but gives a lot of pain. Heartbreaks leave back only one question – ‘WHY’ and this ‘why’ makes life miserable. Our dreams become grisly nightmares. It becomes too difficult for us to trust anyone, mostly to our own self. Every time, every single step we take we face fear or doubt – “Will my past be repeated again?????”

This fear and pain took me even to the dark lanes of suicide. But on 14th Mar 2011, in a local train,  around 7 PM, when I was just about to give-up my life for the sake of ‘Infatuation’, I heard a sweet tender voice telling me, “My son, don’t give-up your life, just give-it back to ME and see what I’m going to do with it!” And I knew Whose voice was that? That was the voice of MY GOD, MY CREATOR WHO LOVES ME.

Today, I can say my heart was broken because of my fault. I didn’t wait for the right time. When God creates us in our mother’s womb, He plans everything for us and allows all that to happen at His appointed time. Our life is well-tuned by God. But if we try to do something with our own ideas we will be left behind with just “Heartbreaks” and “Pain”.

It’s not the heart break which causes pain but it’s the person & the memory which we leave behind us. As Mrs. Khristina Jacob said in her last article, “There is always a light at the end of the tunnel”, today we may be travelling through the darkest tunnel of life but believe there is light at the end. So, HOPE for the BEST, rest everything else in HIS hand for HIS time. Just WAIT!!!!!

Sometimes we must Hurt in order to Grow, 

Sometimes we must Lose in order to Gain,

Sometimes we must Fail in order to Pass.”

LET GO OF HIM!

(Picture Source: http://www.spiritscienceandmetaphysics.com)

Last week I shared my story of what Valentine’s Day reminds of me. It reminds me of a particular Valentine’s Day when I proposed a guy I had a huge crush on since 3-4 years. It also reminds me of all the crazy things I did to get his attention. It reminds of those silly teenaged days when everything lovey dovey in Bollywood looks like a reality.

Yes, I placed my heart in his hands telling him very genuinely what I felt for him. I told him that I really liked him. I knew we were going to be away from then on. He was going away to another country for his engineering and I was going to another city. But still I felt the need to at least tell him what I felt for him. As soon as I did that, I realized that he started to avoid me. He was the son of our close family friends, so there were multiple occasions where we had to encounter each other. And it broke me to see how easily he managed to ignore me. 20 days later, I decided that I needed an answer. If he has to say a NO, he has to say it. So, I asked him and he said a NO. Surprisingly, it gave me a bit of satisfaction because I felt that now I can really move on. For the past 3 years, I had spent my nights wondering whether he liked me or not and now I had an answer. I felt rejected but I also felt relieved.

I got into an engineering college and a hostel life. And it was a whole new world after the protective environment of the school. But the rejection that I had just gone through affected my confidence a great deal. As I started to get used to college and hostel life, things started to get better. As I saw that there were other guys who expressed interest in me, it gave a boost to my confidence.

He had gone to another country for higher education and this affected me too. While in college I started to hate him with a determination to get even better education than him. I made up my mind to be MIT post graduate after my engineering. I did not realize it then that he was the motivation behind my craze to go study in the US. I started to prepare for GRE. In my final year, I started to like another guy – Kapil. He was sweet and funny and he really loved me.

We came out of college; my relationship with Kapil grew strong. I got a job in Bangalore and he was working in Mumbai. Everything was going well, but I was still hell bent on doing my masters in US. Kapil did not want to leave India. And that was the only reason of multiple fights between me and him. I knew if I had to take GRE and leave India – it would mean leaving Kapil too. While going through this, I got a chance to go to US for 3 months. And in those 3 months, I felt so terribly lonely and horrible that I hated that place.

So, now the situation was – I wanted to study in US because I wanted to prove something to the guy who rejected me. I hated US. I wanted to be with Kapil but I knew he did not want to leave India. And to add to all this – my parents were eagerly looking for a match for me. My life was messed up totally. It was one of those times in my life when I felt nobody really understood me.

Life has different ways of coming for a rescue. I got introduced to “Landmark Education” which has a series of courses that help your give up your past and create a brand new future. I did these series of courses and it transformed my thinking and my life.

I could so clearly see now why I want to go study abroad and with this stubborn attitude if I really do go abroad, I would end up too messed up and too frustrated. I realized that I had to let that guy go. I had to let go of my hatred towards him. If you love someone and you get rejected, the solution is not to hate him but to be indifferent to him. I eventually did everything I could to let him go from my life so that I could embrace a brand new life with Kapil. What followed this was an amazing journey of marriage with Kapil!

PICKING UP THE FALLEN REINS AND MOVING FORWARD

She kept checking her mobile for a missed call or a message every five minutes, even though the ringing volume was adjusted to the maximum. How can seven years of love wither away so easily? It has been a year to the day they “broke up” and she had spent each day of this year hoping for a call or message from him… hoping that he would miss her… that he would come back to her… that happy days would be back again.

In her heart of hearts she knows it’s best if he doesn’t come back. She is the topper in her Engineering College, while he had just managed to scrap pass. She is fairly good looking, while he stood no match before her. She has a lustrous career before her, while he spends his days in idleness. Oh! How violently had he reacted when she had gently reminded him of the beauty of their relationship and urged him to build up his career! She had even gone to the extent of saving all her pocket money to get him enrolled in a reputed University only to realize later that she had been fooled.

As she looks back at the lies spoken, the physical and verbal abuses hurled at her time and again, the false assurances and the vagaries of his behavior, she feels utterly cheated. Tears roll down at any unannounced moment. Her career has taken a toll. Her health has broken down. Grappling with depression and suicidal thoughts, she feels there is no hope left…no reason why she should live. “Why did God allow this to happen in my life?”, she asks.

But, she has decided that she won’t let the rest of her life be ruined. She would pick up the strings and head for a new start amidst the flowing tears and burning heartache.

The accounts of a broken relationship may be different. But, the emotional trauma holds true for all. When the illusion fades away, the pain becomes even more evident. The wounds appear fresh every day till an effective balm is someday applied. Forgiveness erases the bitterness and what remains is just a memory.

HEARTACHE FINDS HOPE

Heartbreak is one of the worst feelings in the world. It doesn’t matter what caused it. It feels the same to each of us.  It is like a sickness or ailment for which there seems to be no cure. It is an ache in the deepest part of your soul that feels like it won’t go away. It is in these moments that our character is forged… for better or worse. It is how we respond to Heartbreak that defines us.

A Russian proverb says, “The hammer that shatters glass also forges steel.” We must harness the hammer to forge character of steel.  An old adage says, “Time heals all wounds.” I believed this until I had my first deep, gut-wrenching Heartbreak. Meandering around like a zombie, lifeless inside, friends and family would ask me the casual “How are you?” and I would respond with a smiling facade “Fine. And you?” I knew it was a lie. I was far from “fine” on the inside. But what else could I say to them? Later, I remembered what a mentor and teacher said, “The mere passing of time doesn’t heal. It only leaves scars”. In other words, time is passive, healing is active.

The problem is that when you’re in the deep darkness of it all you feel as though you can barely move. It can be difficult to muster up the energy to even speak with your closest friends let alone “take action” or “move on”. Most importantly, it is during these difficult, dark times that we learn where our hope lies. Inevitably, that is what we are after during these seasons of our lives…hope. Another Hebrew proverb says, “Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a spring of life”. The problem is that almost everything around us is temporary. One sage king and poet called it “grasping at the wind” and “meaningless”. During this dark season of my life, I had many friends around to counsel me and encourage me but ultimately, what I found was hope. Hope that existed outside of myself and my flawed human relationships.

Heartbreak only reveals where our hope is placed. If the foundation is solid, we may still hurt but our hope will not waver. If the foundation is not, we will be shaken.  Another wise saying goes, “There is a time for everything… a time to weep and a time to laugh,” meaning, it is natural to grieve.  However, in order to move forward, we must make sure our hope is in something unshakeable and unchangeable. For me, it was my Creator. He knows me and knows how to mend my heart (because He created it) and I knew He couldn’t…wouldn’t leave me. My hope was that one day, I would see my Him face-to-face. I looked at all the things He had done for me and saw how all of our suffering hurts Him as well. I meditated on His desire and plan to restore all things and I thought in my heart, “He knows what I’m going through and He will never change, leave me, nor forsake me”. He was the one constant, unchanging Person in my life in whom I could rest my hope.  When things look bleak, I look up at the One who sees all, knows all, and loves all and I breathe a simple sigh of relief with, “He knows…He knows because He knows me.” Do you know Him? Does He know you? Have you made yourself known to Him? Another song-writer and singer wrote, “He binds up the broken-hearted and heals their wounds.” I pray that you may find healing from your wounds in the only Hands that I’ve found adept enough to heal mine.

THE STRUGGLE WITH HEARTBREAK

Love is a many splendored thing, wrote Shakespeare. If you are a student of English Literature, you will know that one of the meanings of this line is that love, among other things, gives meaning to life.

However, does the opposite hold true with heartbreak? If love gives meaning to life, does heartbreak take away that meaning, thus ridding us of the will to live? It might seem like that, as I learned during my period of utmost heartbreak many years ago.

But having endured heartbreak and rediscovering life and love once again, I have become a firm believer that everything in life does not happen by chance. It is a part of a bigger design, a higher thought, a deeper more vast power.

In the beginning, it seemed like the forbidden fruit, and forbidden it was indeed. The cute guy sitting in my college classroom wanting to be my friend had virtual “stop signs” written all over him. I was confused, how could something that seemed so right, be so wrong? I enjoyed the adulation, the attraction, the connection. Yet, every bone in my body knew this was wrong. And I, went with the flow.

And there began the most twisted, toxic “relationship” there ever was. You could tell that he was using me; somewhere in the deepest part of my soul even I knew he was using me. But the heart, you know, is a strange thing. Even when the mind is trying to be rational, the heart will reason the opposite.

My mind told me, have you gone nuts? How can you not see how he is ruining you? My heart answered, get lost, mind! I know I can fix him, I know that if I show him more love, he will surely love me the way I love him.

My friends would call me, but I would not answer the phone – what if “the boyfriend” called and the line was engaged? I would not be able to speak to him! My friends would want to take me out for dinner, but I would not go. What if “the boyfriend” wanted to have dinner – I would not be able to spend time with him.

And that was just the beginning.

There was a time when he got a little too friendly with another girl. She’s just a friend, he would insist, but would spend hours with her.  I was slowly going insane.

After a year of this madness, my friends slowly stopped calling me.  And the list of “friends” (girls) in “the boyfriend’s” list slowly increased. And yet, I stuck around, thinking it will get better, it will turn around for the better.

It only got worse. This was year number three.

One night, I took him out to dinner. I mustered up all my courage to say, listen, this is not working out. I can’t take this anymore. His response to that was, okay. That’s it.

That “okay” was, I believe, one of the most cruel things anyone has ever told me in my life. Somewhere in my heart, I expected he would stop me, ask me why I was saying these things, repent, change. No, not really.

However, from then onward, began my journey of healing. I actually went through the 5 stages of grief that most psychologists talk about.

It started with denial, of course. I told myself, he couldn’t live without me. He’ll be back. He didn’t come back.

The next phase was anger – a better word to use here is rage. I have never felt more contempt, more disgust, more vengeful for anyone else in my life.

After that came bargaining – all the prayers, the requests to God and to him, didn’t work either.

Then came the longest phase of this healing process – the depression. I was depressed for more than a year. The joy and laughter had gone away from my life (it had actually gone much earlier, but this was the clincher).

By the time the last phase of the process came about, the acceptance bit, I began to find myself again. I began to love my single life. My friends, the sweetest people that they are, returned, and were so glad I gave up the filth in my life.

It was around that time – after two years of healing – that my now brother-in-law introduced me to Rohan, a man who would change the course of my life again, this time for the best. Here is the account of that tale.

Whenever I counsel anyone today, I can totally empathise with them – especially when a heartbreak is involved. I don’t know why God made me go through that pain and suffering for almost 4 years – but is it possible that God made me go through all that, just so I can help other young people through their pain? I’d like to think of that as a possibility. And I thank Him for that.

Through this experience, I have learned many lessons. Here are the most important ones:

  • Trust your innermost being, and what it tells you. This is probably God trying to warn you about the pain you are about to endure.
  • Trust your friends – if all of them have the same judgment about someone, it is possible that they are right.
  • Trust his/her words/actions – believe me, if it not for real, it will show in their actions. Does he/she seem far away even though he/she is in front of you? If the answer is yes, and yes all the time, then it is quite possible that this is not meant to be.
  • Don’t give up. A failed relationship need not be the end. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel. Things WILL look up, for sure. Trust in God.

I find it so easy to share my past with the world today, because of the loving husband God has given me. As I write this, he read the first draft and said, this is heartfelt, I am sure people will connect with this story.

Don’t think heartbreak is the end of your life – if love gives meaning to life, heartbreak gives the lessons.

Time to embrace both.