FACTUAL FEEDBACK A SUMMARY

We had a good week discussing on the topic, “Factual Feedback.” My co-writers have left nothing for me to write this time for final notes apart from few catchy sentences that drew my attentions which can be useful for the spouses in a marital bond. They were as follows:

Prabhjot: How important are feedbacks in our lives? Most of us don’t even realize that only if we could give feedback in the right way and listen to it in a right way – most of our conflicts would be resolved right there. 

I know how sometimes we both fight and argue on different aspects of life as couple. Understanding the  importance of giving proper feedback and listening in a right way can really help couples to resolve conflicts easily. 

Aastha: Cultivate the habit of asking and giving feedback. When we do this as elders, kids would automatically learn the importance of giving feedback and proactively asking for one.

Kalpana: A person with self respect would never take feedback as an insult to his or her intelligence but would seek it for self betterment.  But ego would always search for negativity.

Both Aastha and Kalpana’s statements made me think about bending down a bit, leaving the ego if we cultivate a habit of giving and asking for feedback then life will be simpler for the couple as well as anybody those who are in some kind of relationships.

Saakhsi: Feedback needs to be circumstantial at times, the purpose of feedback is to let other person improve, to help him/her, to guide him/her. It should never be done with brutal honesty, sometimes a little dishonestly too, helps a child to improve and get better.

Even sometimes as Saakhsi said I think it is always better for the spouses to modify the way they give their opinions about each other. Love modifies it well. 

Avinash: Feedback can feed you back the way you consider them. 

So many times I suffered for being misunderstood by the reader or receiver of my SMS. I am a bit straight forward sometimes and people have misunderstood my too straight statements.   

Let’s practice it daily to give good feedback and receive feedback from others positively instead of thinking otherwise keeping the pride as a blockade. 

Keep reading and keep giving your feedback…

Good Night!!!

DISHONEST FEEDBACK

Feedback Is important, I agree. Feedback is something you return, some opinion or thought you give back when you get something, so it should be respective of what you got. It should be given keeping in perspective the age, condition, circumstances, effort and intention of the other person. But is honest feedback so important? Yes, you read it right, I am asking you or rather I am telling you the importance of dishonest feedback.

The other day I went to a birthday party, and saw a little boy eating cake, sitting alone in the corner. He had no hair, he was bald, and his sunken eyes, black circles, fragile health, thin structure left no doubt in my mind that he was battling some severe kind of cancer. It was a costume theme party, and he was dressed as a pirate, all the kids looked pretty and beautiful, they were being complimented by family and friends. I sat next to this boy, and he looked up at me, there was expectation in his eyes, I told him he looked great, and it was a Brilliant idea to shave his head to look like a real pirate. I saw a dazzling smile on his lips and for that moment he was proud of his looks. A dishonest feedback, one that made me feel much better than that kid.

One day I was having severe ache in the knee, nothing eased it, no painkiller, no ointment, no exercise, moved by my pain, my granny got up with effort and came to me holding the wall despite my protest that she can’t help me. She sat next to me and chanted something, caressing my knee after each chant, she did a 108 without stopping, I gave up and let her do it. When she was done she looked at me confidently and asked ” tell me you don’t feel better? Say that my chanting hasn’t eased the pain?”, trust me friends, the pain wasn’t any less than before, but I nodded without thinking twice, and saw the tension lines on her forehead disappear. How could I tell her, that it did nothing whatsoever?

These examples are not to prove that we need to lie to make others happy, but just to make you realise that Feedback needs to be circumstantial at times, the purpose of feedback is to let other person improve, to help him/her, to guide him/her. It should never be done with brutal honesty, sometimes a little dishonestly too, helps a child to improve and get better. So next time when you give your feedback, add humility and kindness to honesty, rephrase your words, soften your tone, smile a little and let your eyes Instill confidence in them. Each time you give a feedback, ask yourself, that did you feel happy giving this feedback ? Trust me, your heart will give you honest feedback.

Help me get better, help me improve
Let me reach you, let me see into your heart
Tell me my flaws, tell me my strengths
Be by my side, and watch me make amends…

I promise to listen, I promise to give you that, what is needed
I am not perfect, let me tailor-cut myself to suit you
Whisper in my ear, hold my hand as you say it
Say it not with words but with feelings, so my heart will listen.

 

LET “E” GO AWAY FROM US

Hi Everyone,

This week’s topic “Art of giving and receiving feedback” has given food for thought for me.  My friends have already written so well and that almost nothing is left to write about.  Kudos to them.  But still I am making an effort to contribute something on my part.  Hope I can put forth a point or two.

We all are bound in a complex web of relationships.  Some are like passing clouds, few are like mirror, very fragile.  And how we receive feedback/ advice/ criticism in fragile relationships play a pivotal role in deciding our happiness.  Let me explain with this simple example:

•         When my husband says there needs to be some more spice added to a particular food that I have prepared for him I take it as an advice and  do the needful to make the food delicious and enjoyable.  That’s a positive way of taking feedback.
• But when that particular feedback is given as a comparison (especially with food prepared by other 🙂 ), I would fume at first ( you know why) but would definitely try to improve so that there would be no comparison in future 🙂  This is also a positive frame.
• But problem sets in  when I am not only envious about others’ culinary skills but refuse to give a second thought about the feedback that I got.  Instead start blaming my husband for not being considerate.

Now talking about the third angle, this is a pure example of “EGO” commonly mistaken as self-respect.  Aforesaid is just a small and simple example.  In our long journey of life we come across various halts and different situations where we receive feedback, some from relations which are like passing clouds and some from relations which are like mirror.  And when I say mirror I mean those special but fragile relationships of our life.  Be it between friends, husband-wife, lovers, family members and so on.  These are all strong relationships in face of hardships but “EGO” slays them.  It’s our ego that makes us turn our face from reality check that we get from our close ones.  ” Why should I listen to them?”, “I know everything, I don’t need any advice from anyone be it anyone” is general reaction when ego takes over our thought process.  This is where cracks develop in a relationship.  When ego dwells in heart, every feedback seems to be criticism.  And when feedback seems to be criticism that gives way to misunderstandings, arguments which turn into fights that result into permanent damage to relationships.  Therefore its really important to understand a simple fact that there is a very fine line between “self respect” and “ego”.  A person with self respect would never take feedback as an insult to his or her intelligence but would seek it for self betterment.  But ego would always search for negativity.

A lot can be said about this critical issue.  Critical because if went unnoticed a person’s ego could be devastating. A perfect example is that of “Duryodhana” in epic “Mahabharta”.  So great was his ego that he never paid heed to anything positive and good in his life and that eventually resulted in the war of Kurukshetra which left behind it a trail of blood.

If relationships matter to us, if people matter to us then we should let our “Ego” go.  Two tips for happy relationships:

• Just “ME” & “I” spells boredom for sure, more “WE” means more happiness.
• If speech is silver, silence is golden.  It’s really important to put our ego aside and listen first.  There can be no discussion if two people talk at a time.  That’s only an argument.

So just let “E” go and be happy.

 

EFFECT OF FEEDBACK ON THE MIND OF A WRITER

I am a feedback freak. I feel very disturbed when somebody doesn’t respond or comment on my articles or whatever I do. I have been writing for last 8 years or so for different webzines and magazines. And now my heart and soul are here in Candles Online.

Prabhjot and Sulagna will know about Searchwarp.com. We three met each other there. We three will never forget that site every in our life. Firstly, because we met each other there and secondly, it was a site where you will get feedbacks for sure on your write ups. Unfortunately, that site is closed now.

As both Prabhjot and Aastha mentioned in their respective articles about how important feedback is in all the spheres of life.

But why feedback is important on the articles we read? THREE major reasons:   

1. Feedback encourages the writer and motivates him/her to write more…
2. Feedback helps the writer to understand the minds of the readers…
3. Feedback guides the writer about how should he/she be writing so that he can relate to his/her readers…

Apart from feedbacks in the form of comments which I mentioned about there are feedbacks in the forms of LIKEs and Rates. That helps me as the manager of the webzine to understand how we are growing. What’s our speed of growing? When I analyse these stuffs and let my team know about the stats they get encouraged.

About giving feedbacks: That’s very important as well though I won’t be talking much about it. I am very expressive and honest about my opinions. And when I read an article I always tend to give my opinion and thoughts about what I read.

So guys, make a habit of giving feedbacks. That’s important for your most loved webzine or magazine or author to develop, to get motivated and got well directed.

Stay Blessed!

ASK ‘N’ GIVE FEEDBACK!

“How do you like the dinner today?”, “I tried a new recipe, how is it?” – Did you ever encounter these questions while you were busy finishing your lunch or supper? That must be your mom or wife. 

Have you ever wondered why they ask that? May be the question forced you to answer, but why didn’t we say it on our own?

Let’s go back to our school or university days. The structure of schooling is such that we are given grades to rate against our performance.  So we are learning, taking a test or an exam to see where we stand and know how we can improve ourselves. Essentially this is a feedback for us to find ways to do better in the next round of exams. Similar would have been any competitions we would have participated in. We get to rate ourselves based on the feedback we receive from the judges or the points we would have scored. 

Whether we realize it or not, we are very much used to automatically getting feedback. This feedback has helped us become who we are, considering it has come from people who are far more experienced than us and are willing to give us feedback.

When I was asked to give a feedback about myself, appraisal discussions as we call them in corporate sector, I found it difficult. When I was asked to give feedback on the team I lead, it was far more difficult. That’s because I have never really tried or have an experience of giving feedback either for myself or someone else. 

Basically it’s doing two things

1. Asking for feedback
2. Start giving feedback

When there is no defined mechanism to give feedback we find it convenient to not give one. This is what happens in the vicinity of our home, we just don’t try. And one fine day when we realize something isn’t working the way we want it to, we feel a need to say it and since it is going to be negative in regards to the other person, they would find it unpleasant. It’s natural. 

“You are looking handsome today”,  “You did quite well in your exams”, “You should have considered using different colors for this painting” – all these are forms of feedback.

When we are willing to listen to negative feedback and work on it, others would find it convenient to listen to ours because they know we care.

Cultivate the habit of asking and giving feedback. When we do this as elders, kids would automatically learn the importance of giving feedback and proactively asking for one. They would learn that it’s important for our growth as individuals. Constant feedback would also ease out our communications and make them more effective.

ART OF GIVING AND RECEIVING FEEDBACK

How important are feedbacks in our lives? Most of us don’t even realize that only if we could give feedback in the right way and listen to it in a right way – most of our conflicts would be resolved right there.

“How do I make her understand that the way she behaves with the team – it makes the team feel cornered? It makes them believe that their ideas are not important and they always need to get her approval for every small thing.” I said this when I was talking to one of my senior colleagues about a difficult situation with another colleague. And he said “You need to tell her this”. My first reaction to this was “I cannot. She is senior to me.” And he said “So what? Her behavior is affecting you and the team. Just tell her”. I was totally confused and said “How?”

That was when I listened to the art of giving feedback. Feedback is not criticism, it is not blame. It is a very simple way of telling the other person that his/her behavior is not working for you and we need to find a way to make it work. Isn’t that one of the most difficult things to do in the world?

When he explained this to me, it felt quite easy to do but I hit my first roadblock when I started to prepare for the feedback session. It is not easy to do. It needs courage and lots of practice to get comfortable for giving feedbacks. I soon realized that these principles can be applied when I want to convey to my husband as well about something that I did not like in his behavior. And that’s when I really felt empowered to try this out. After all, I really needed a way to tell him things that bother me without having a fight with him.

“You are just so irresponsible? You cannot even take care of our son for a couple of hours?”

“How can you not come a bit early at least some evenings? Do you realize that there is something called work-life balance also?”

“That dress totally makes you look fat. Why do you have to wear it at all?”

“You did not have the courtesy to even call me once a week. What kind of a daughter does that?”

These are some examples of blames floating around in our relationships all the time. Mostly this is the language in which we give and receive feedback. It is filled with criticism, judgment and ridicule. Is it possible to say such things in a much nicer way that the other person actually feels motivated to change himself/herself?

Art of giving feedback

1. Choose a time to talk when you and the other person are physically and mentally available to talk. Ensure that the other person is open to listen and receive feedback.
2. Do it usually after a particular incident
3. Be factual. Do not give generic statements like “You are irresponsible” or “You don’t care”. Tell the person in facts and/or incidents what exactly is bothering you.
4. Be personal. Tell the person what his/her behavior does to you and your feelings. Start the statement with “I feel that ….” When you do this, the person knows that it is the feelings that you are talking about and that does not make a person feel judged.
5. Be positive. Do not blame or be critical. Take examples from the past of how that person’s behavior in a similar situation helped you.
6. Prepare well. Talk to yourself and make sure that you have your points ready before you move on to talk to the person
7. Do not bring up things that happened months or years ago. Do not use this as an opportunity to dig out graves. Talk about the incidents that are happening now or happened in recent past.
8. Don’t judge. All of us make millions of mistakes. There is no reason for you to judge the other person.
9. Don’t try to explain why the other person behaves this way. That is for him/her to think about.
10. Don’t force solutions. You can always give your suggestions but make sure that the other person in the right mind to listen to the suggestions.
11. Don’t talk for the group. Feedback is supposed to be personal, so you are only supposed to tell the other person what it does to you – not to the whole team or family or kids.

This might look like a huge list but it is only a matter of practice and then you don’t have to remember all of these – it would just come naturally to you.

Feedbacks are important because if they are not given and acted upon at the right time, it leads to frustration, anger and issues in the relationship. Conflicts become hard boundaries that jeopardize the relationships. So, do not underestimate the power of feedbacks.

Art of receiving feedback

1. Make sure that you are open to listen to whatever is coming your way.
2. If you do not understand – don’t just pretend that you do. Ask questions and clarify the situations right there.
3. Tell the other person that you have understood the message.
4. Do not interrupt or disqualify the person giving you the feedback.
5. Don’t get defensive or start arguing.
6. Don’t try to force an agreement on the observations.
7. Be thankful to the person who is giving you a feedback.

These are some of the points to be kept in mind when somebody gives you a feedback.

Sometimes feedback that comes your way might not in the form that you expect especially in your personal life, but then if you do not get defensive – you can still try to find the message in that feedback. Remember that the person gives you a feedback only because he/she cares about you as a person and about your relationship with him/her.

Next time think about the art of giving feedback this way when you are hurt by somebody close to you. Try it out and have fun!