MY JOURNEY

I am a story person. I mean I love stories. Throughout my life I have been a voracious reader. So much so that I used to enjoy reading the comprehension in the English language exam too. Some people love songs and keep listening to it in a loop similarly I can keep reading novels or books or magazines back to back.

But still I never thought I could actually write something interesting which others would enjoy reading. Confidence was low but still there had been a desire to read my name printed somewhere in black and white. I wrote letter to the editor in various magazines in the hope that my letter would get published in the next edition of the magazine. And my gamble worked also. I still have a couple of copies of Femina from more than 10 years ago where my letter to the editor was published along with my name.

My sister Prabhjot Kaur on the other hand had been dabbing in writing for a long time. I guess she was writing during her college time also. She had been writing short stories and articles which got published in actual books and websites. She was very much involved in the print version of Candles Online too. I used to her read her creations on FB, impressed and in awe that she could write so well.

Once while chatting with her I told her that I am very impressed with the article series called O-Zone in the Sunday supplement of Times of India. They gave such a sound advice and such good examples in the article. I said that I wished I could write something similar which touches people. And she said something very simple. “Why don’t you write? You can.. You have the potential..”

But who listens to a younger sister. What does she know. Of course I said a no..

But she is also not one to take no for an answer. She promptly told Chiradeep about me and told him to contact and convince me..

Thus entered an angel in my life.

Chiradeep.. my buddy.. the guy who showed confidence in me when I didn’t have it myself. He convinced me that I could actually write. He edited my first few articles too. He was my cheer leader and my critic too.. He came with great ideas and topics to write every week and I loved rising to his challenge every time.

This is my journey on how I became a blogger. A tag which I carry with pride. Candles Online has re-instilled my confidence in myself. It came into my life when my self esteem was at an all time low. My life has enriched by simply sharing my thoughts with my readers.

MAKE A WISH

Most of us perhaps must be aware of this childhood memory – Got a tiny lash under your eye, put in on hand, make a wish and blow. That’s how we as ignorant and innocent children made infinite wishes and believed them to come true some day!

Sometimes I wish-

I could be a child again,

I could fly into the sky,

I could reach the stars,

I could slide on a rainbow,

I could be friends with the birds,

I could wander fearlessly around the earth,

My grown up child could be a toddler again,

The 24 hour day could be longer again,

Sometimes I just wish…

With the flick of the wand, I could reverse the damage caused by the pollution, or I could stop rapes and killings, or could just live a day with the lost loved ones who passed away without bidding me bye…

Sometimes I just wish…

I could reach a destination by skipping the travel time,

I had a decoder that tells me what’s going inside my child’s mind,

I wish I had a baby girl – though this wish was struck off at the time of the birth of my second son when my gynaecologist jokingly told me that she will take my boy because I blamed her for the birth of a male child!

Wishes! Wishes! Wishes! Our wishes are endless. We never stop being demanding and continue to wish something or the other in life. That’s human nature!

We have possible wishes which we dream of coming true and there’s nothing wrong in that. It’s alright to wish and live in the hope of coming true. But, apart from just wishing, keep trying and praying. Who knows someday, sometime your wish may get answered!

And I sincerely wish that all your wishes come true. Keep the faith.

SOMETHING I DON’T UNDERSTAND

We as human beings, are capable to comprehend so many things happening around us. Still, we are unable to understand many of the things. It is not that our mind is not so developed or is childish. It might be the case with some of us but we are at least capable to understand the basic things. But I don’t understand a few things. These are:

1. 1. People don’t pay heed to generic things: I remember ever since I started to read science books during my school days, we were taught to SAVE WATER. We also took oath on various occasions to save water and make the optimum use. But do we actually do that? On railway stations, hotels, and at somebody’s house we waste water by thinking, it is not going from my pocket. A similar thing goes with electricity and food. People hardly understand it is going from our own earth
   2. People not giving seats to elderly people: Like other people, I have been using public transport for going to my office and to come back to my place ever since I came to Bangalore. Almost every day, I find people, who would shamelessly sit on the seats and would feel no need to let the senior citizen sit. Moreover, some men will even remain seated on ladies’ seat stating that they are sitting with their family on the seat. I don’t understand why do people talk about social norms and not follow them in their real life.
   3. People treating animals badly: Humans are no doubt the most powerful creation of the Almighty. He gave brains to humans and many other qualities. Still, we don’t use our brains when it comes to treating animals. There are some people who  won’t bother if a dog is sleeping on the footpath. They will intentionally ride their bike over the limbs or the tail of the dog thinking that how does it matter? Really? Would you like being treated the same way?
   4. People thinking garbage pickers to be dirty: It is an irony that we dump garbage here and there on roads in the open and we consider ourselves to be clean. On the other hand, those who clean garbage and take it to dump somewhere far from the population are considered to be dirty and unhygienic. 

Well, there are so many other things that people don’t understand or they choose to ‘not understand’. Whatever it is, the above are the things that I personally don’t understand.

I would be happy if someone could help me to understand these things. 

WHO KNOWS ME THE BEST?

Questions are imperative in human life. It is the questions of the human mind that instigates him towards the meaning and the purpose of life and defines the why behind its twists and turns. Questions are either raised by an individual or in reference to an individual. Behind every question, there is a Questioner! Ravi Zacharias in his recent book “THE LOGIC OF GOD” says, “The convergence of intellectual and existential struggles drives a person to a brutal honesty in the questions he or she has.”

One among the biggest questions of human life – “WHO KNOWS ME THE BEST?” Like every other question of human life, this question is always in reference to a human struggle. Because we question only when life’s millstone burdens us. As a matter of fact, since my childhood, I have been frequently juggled and altered by this question – WHO KNOWS ME THE BEST? 

When I was a kid, I complained – “No one understands my choices.”

When I was a teen boy, I was hurt – “Why should I be like him? I am who I am!”

When I was in the twenties, I argued – “Why should I do that? It’s my life-my choice.”

When I turned thirty, I find myself – “Being misunderstood and misinterpreted.”

Towards the end half of 2018, there were some family issues and when I had to raise my voice to sort-out the misunderstanding between my family members, I was misunderstood being partial. In the meanwhile, I find one of my best friends going wrong in quite a handful of matters, as I attempt to correct my friend, again I was misunderstood being unfriendly, arrogant and bossy. Being too sensitive to relationships, being misunderstood and alone in four walls created havoc on my mind. The only question that distorted the peace of my mind is – “WHO KNOWS ME THE BEST?”. Why no one takes time to understand me or questions me – why do you think so? All that everyone thinks – BLAME HIM! 

Often in professional life, we are asked to keep the personal worries outside the office door but that’s someway too difficult. One individual life with two parts – the Personal and the Professional has enough possibility to tilt.

Each individual’s existence is caused and causes “Relationships”. Relationships is not the presence of one individual rather it exists between two individuals completely different from one another decide to come together and form a relationship irrespective of their differences. The presence of differences in the possibility of confusion and misunderstanding. But these misunderstanding is NOT MEANT to the breaking of relationship rather IT IS TO educate and enhance the relationship. 

BEING MISUNDERSTOOD and QUESTIONED BY SELF – 

“WHO KNOWS ME THE BEST?”, IS APPARENT! 

DO I KNOW MYSELF? – How about that! 

Flipping the pages of history, wise King Solomon was garlanded with WISDOM, POWER, WEALTH & GLORY. Materially speaking there is nothing that he lacks in his life. But at the end of his life’s journey, he concludes: “I put my hands into all that my mind found good. I acquired everything I desired. I applied myself to the understanding of wisdom, and also madness and folly, but I learned that this, too, is chasing after the wind. Everything is meaningless”. The question remains – WHO KNOWS ME THE BEST?

In my imaginative visit to the potter’s house, I saw the potter’s house is filled with varieties of clay pots. 

I: Who designed all these clay pots? 

Potter: “I”!

I: Where did you got the pictures to design these pots?

Potter: Their pictures were in my mind and I designed them accordingly.

I: Why each of them is entirely of different shapes and size. 

Potter: Because each of them is made for a different purpose.

I: Can this small flower vase be used to store water?

Potter: No, it cannot be. It is meant to give home to the flower plant.

I: Can your vessel explain why it is made?

Potter: Nope. Does it know how long it will exist? Where it will be tomorrow?

Potter: But I know where it will be tomorrow and How it will be used and What will be its worth.

The Bible says, “You are like the clay in the potter’s hands, and I am the potter.”  – this is the message of the Lord.

WHO KNOWS ME THE BEST? – The Potter has the answer.

How about asking HIM? 

THE HARDEST THING I EVER DID WAS TO BE JUST ME

The hardest thing I ever did was to be just me all the time.

Life is set with rules and regulations for everyone. It is just that all these rules do not let you be what you are always. Every rule portrays you to be someone else according to someone else’s rules.

That is life – that is what everyone replies to who cribs about this.

Even when others lay the rules, it is not easy to be not who you are at times. I have encountered myself, quite a number of times in my life till now. Every time I come face to face with my own self, I just have to bid goodbye to it and take up the burden of being an epitome of a rule book.

If I have to pick the hardest moments I ever had to be just myself, then there are plenty of them. As most of the times, my life is not what I always wanted it to be.

When I wanted to study and conquer my dreams, my family wanted me to start a family and be bounded by the marital laws. It was hard. Even after conflicting thoughts with myself, I had to sacrifice and be bound to their rules. Yet again I failed to be just me.

When I struggled in my career, I again lost the ambitious me to the laws of family. Wherein I set my priorities higher for my family than my job. Just to blame me in the end for the magnificent end of it.

When I began to write, it was a natural fight with the society rules and just my rules. I write a lot more about the expression of love either emotionally or romantically, they entice me, but again it was ‘just me’ writing without abiding by the rules of a  ‘good woman’. Even when I am character assassinated as many things unimaginable to me, I still continued to do what I always wanted to do. It is hard to make a decision in favor of one’s own consciousness at times, but I decided to pen down only my true emotions which I wanted to write and not anything that never touched my heart.

Most of the time, it is hard to be what you want to be, but it is better to be what you are. Lying to oneself leads you to a downfall, be true to yourself and you will see you are happy.

Self-love is never harmful, it is the best medicine to your soul. Mostly, it is not selfishness or self-indulgence but it is more of taking care of one’s self rather than just giving away everything.

LAST TIME I CRIED…

4 months ago:

The anesthesia had already started to work, when the doctor asked me, “Soumya, what do you want?” With a smile on my face, I replied, “Anything doctor.” My doctor asked me again, “Still, any preferences?”

Drifting into the world of my dreams for some seconds, I thought about the most beautiful relationship according to me. The relationship that the siblings share. I had always dreamt of a brother as a sibling. And I also had a wish that, if ever I am able to give my daughter a sibling, then it should be a boy so that she can feel and enjoy it as all my cousins did. I have always felt that the relation between a brother and a sister is very pure, strong and charismatic. I have seen and witnessed the love they share.

I answered, “Doctor, as you know, that I already have a daughter. It would be great if she has a brother to play with.“

The procedures had already begun. I drifted back to those painful 8 months. Those initial pains, series of blackouts due to hypoglycemia, premature tendencies, increased number of hospital visits, chances of miscarriage during the 6th month, admitted and being treated for the same. The many painful steroid injections and IV drips, giving way to many painful days and some very painful nights. The labor pains and the fear that we (mother and child) might not survive if things go otherwise. Emergency admission and surgery. I and my husband were both tensed for many such reasons. During my previous hospitalization, we had a mother who lost her 33 weeks baby to gestational diabetes. I also had gestational diabetes and endocrinologist had also warned us about stillbirths. My husband (who wasn’t in a good shape either) was waiting outside the OT for some news, hoping it to be good.

It took them 12 minutes to cut through, then they pushed my baby out. I was fervently praying that my baby should cry out loud when it comes out. Lo and behold, my baby cried. My doctor told me, it’s a boy. But I was so much happy that my baby cried that I couldn’t hear what she said. I asked again, “Doctor, is it a boy or a girl.” My anesthetist said, “you had made a deal from above, you couldn’t have got anything else, it’s a boy. Congratulations.” After giving him a wash, they brought him near my face. I could just see his small little nose, his beautiful eyes, and red lips. I was overwhelmed.

As soon as I was out of OT, my husband came to see me. I looked at him and cried. He reciprocated. It was a cry of happiness and victory. God had lead us through the valley of troubles and dangers into a beautiful life. Our family was now complete. Our second bundle of joy was here.

All Rights Reserved with Mrs. Soumya Rout & her beautiful family

Struggling through the entire pregnancy, being ill for almost 90% of times, I now have a chance to witness the bond I have had longed for my entire life. I can live the love and bond through my kids. To be a mother is a very intense feeling and to get your heart’s desire is another one. I had a combination of both at that time and it was a magical and emotional phenomenon. My son is now almost 4 months old and has already started looking at and following his “didi (sister)”. This is just the beginning of a happily ever after.

SOMETIMES I WISH…

Sometimes I wish, I owned a Horse,…

Human–horse relationship has a long and varied history. While meat may have been the first motivation in the very early stages for domestication, horses became progressively important “tools” for transportation and, like other domestic animals. With their powerful stature and ability to run with the wind, horses have intrigued humans for centuries. Strong, yet sensitive, with their attentive ears and large, expressive eyes, horses are wary of predators. They spook in response to a noise or sudden movement. And for decades now, horses have been included in equine-facilitated psychotherapy. 

I wish I too owned a Horse. Sleek beauties, muscles that roll underneath the supple chestnut-colored coat that hangs majestically on the frame. A flowing mane that unfurls and whips as the wind calls it, feet that pound the ground, a natural canter, gait. The quivering of the haunches as they rocked forward, a toss of the head and the big and genuine eyes rolling to and fro. 

I wish to own a chestnut-colored Horse. “A pony is a childhood dream. A horse is an adulthood treasure”- Rebecca Carroll. Horses were widely used during the medieval period, especially for transport. They played a major role in wars. Horses even found a special place in epic novels. Not only noblemen but noblewomen also rode a horse. I too wish to ride one. For me, going for a hack on a horse is a heady combination of adventure, exhilaration and deep relaxation. The mind wanders as you explore country lanes, woods, bridle paths, and cinder tracks. Moreover, one can go at one’s own pace – a sedate trot or a full out gallop, should you fancy it. For me, it is an overwhelming and mesmerizing feeling.

Sitting on the saddle, only a few meters off the ground but crucially this affords the rider a slightly different perspective on the world. One can Spot things, that he/she wouldn’t normally spot and, from the perch on a horse’s back. The rider is totally immersed in the lap of nature. I want to live such a moment, with my horse and nature, without any other distractions. I wish to imagine myself as a Queen, who has gathered help from neighboring allies and is rushing to save her people from the hands of enemies or a Queen who is simply taking a majestic stroll across her empire, where people bow down before her, or shout out praises, hailing her crown! “Horses lend us the wings we lack” – Pam Brown

Horse ownership can be very exciting and rewarding. The primary benefits from horse ownership are recreation and relaxation, but many people do not often realize the health benefits that can be gained from owning a horse. Keeping that in mind that raising and maintaining a horse can be expensive, requires a lot of attention, and requires plenty of lands for the horse to run.

“If wishes were horses then beggars would ride” – English Proverb