I LOST MY BEST FRIEND IN FINDING A WAY OUT IN LIFE

Love and Friendship has a thin line. It is hard to find, hard to distinguish, and hard to keep ourselves from crossing. 

Friendship is beautiful as it has a beauty of commitment without purpose. At the same time, love, which is thin line away, has a purpose. It is hard to keep both at times. At many times, over these past few years, my mind juggled between, friendship and family, it was hard to keep rowing both boats at the same time. At times, I left the boat of friendship to sail away, knowing that it would be coming back to me even when I do not take them along. This is why friendship was more fascinating.

But for family, it was a hard toss, we toil and work harder to keep it tight aside us. Yet, even the tiniest mistake could ruin them.

A thought which disturbed me – was family so brittle to be handled? 

Being married quite earlier I was stranded between these two, friends and family. It was a stage, wherein I need to choose. But Choose between what?

A guy and a best friend- was a big trouble to a girl like me, being from a completely traditional background. My freedom of thoughts had a limited bandwidth, hence it circles in the smallest diameter, which was limited to thinking, that I was doing something wrong. Losing a friend who could understand your unspoken words and pain was terrible. A world without my best friend who was a part of me was unbearable. It broke my heart a couple of times, to walk away.

For a moment, even I decided to walk away from my family, but something hindered my steps.

Yet burdened with responsibilities and new found life, was hard. Hence losing someone you could talk to, was becoming dwindled and lost in the fury of my life.

But Life is too complicated to keep aside.

Hence, I walked away, sailing away until the best friend was unseen and unheard. I trained my mind to accept what was around me. To be on my own. As the world never understood me, it was hard to let go.

Like the sea visits many shores, I too found friends everywhere, but the mistakes repeat, loss became a part of life – unavoidable. The wounds remained fresh.

I too moved on, as the loss made me strong enough to let go things I was fond of. It was not things, or persons I need to keep by my side, but it was the memorable moments that made me, who I am now, which never could be stolen.

Discovering the very thought, brought me back to my expedition of life.

Life is short, never be upset about things that pull you back, but gain enough strength to walk with every burden on your shoulder or just let go and be free.

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AN ODE TO MY TEARS

My heart turns numb at times

sealing my lips, with the jumbled emotions

where my eyes convey all my emotions

with the tears in it.

like the mini-waterfalls soothing the rocks beneath

tears soothe my pain underneath my skin

calming my raging heart, like the coolest drizzle on a hot day

reclaiming my part, in a battling talk

like a dollop of ice on the skin, to share the joy

diamonds, on the cheeks, when your happiness knows no bounds

tears bring me a mixture of emotions

where words betray, but the eyes speak. 

 

DEAR FUTURE, AM READY

Every dawn is a beginning

Every nightfall is the break

nothing is an end to anything

Every dream begins when 

we decide

Let every step you take 

lead you to the right path

A New Year !! A New Beginning !!

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For everyone, a New Year is a beginning,

A time

to realign their goals

work on their shortcomings

rework or at times start afresh.

All the past years, for me a New Year came and went as yet another normal day. There was never a celebration or a get-together. It was just a normal day to look forward to. As usual, I used to wake up and start my things. And yes, the only difference was that the inbox was filled with wishes, to give a feel of New Year.

A complete normal day for me. I wondered why everyone made up resolutions on that day. I could never even plan my day, hence never looked ahead for a year. I enjoyed living in the flow, a better way of unplanned life.

A new beginning for me was the time when I realized when I was becoming a mom. The moment a life began growing up inside me, I always looked ahead for the new day, a new change and a perfect beginning. Every day my kids brought me a new challenge to work on. As they grew up, the challenges and my tasks differed, yet I looked forward to a new day and ushered a better day for them to enjoy and create memories.

Even though every day brings me a new ray of hope, I work hard or at time experience a lazy day to make my day better and even better, to cherish my favorite life am blessed with. I wait for the moments that uncontrollably happen to create memories that I want to cherish.

As we are moving ahead, let us be optimistic and grab every opportunity that comes in our way.

Be happy, be polite, take up adventures and love your self.

Uncage all your positive thoughts and embrace your negativities. Learn from your mistakes, and inspire your self 

Mistakes are the reasons that you are working on and on. So make mistakes enjoy your learning.

Glance through your past, only take the best lessons from it.

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If you have not decided what to start on, then its time to think and decide. Let us make every moment a fresh start – a start to bring about a brand new ending.

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Do not over think about your yesterday, and spoil your Today.

Pray well, Embrace God’s will as it is the best to trust HIM.

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I wish you all A very Happy New Year.

Hope this year create fond memories in your life. Bring life to your dreams.

Walk towards your dreams, conquer them and be You always.

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THE DAYS I WISHED TO HOLD ON TO

Complete Sleep

Unfinished glass of milk

Scattered toys

One-eyed Doll

Broken toys

Tireless cars driven across the window panes

Dirty legs imprinted on beds

Water guns showering on everyone

Undone homework

The days of my childhood- I wish to hold on to.

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Childhood is the wonderful era in anyone’s life. An era that we cannot go back to but be a witness in our own kids. Memories are created by us, but least remembered by us. When I tried to recollect my own memories, it seemed like I have forgotten what my childhood was like. Then I gazed across my living room watching my kids play brought back thousands of memories with my little brother.

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If I could go back to those days, I always treasured some special moments like

  • the first doll
  • tents inside my home
  • the rainy day boat making
  • the fresh smell of the books
  • the adorable pencils, erasers and cute lil sharpeners
  • the afternoon lunch  surprises
  • the first time I ever got to buy myself a snack from the canteen.
  • my first ink pen
  • My first watch
  • My first Barbie-like doll .( Barbie was never affordable to us then)
  • My first train journeys wherein I used to get a chance to much on every snack that was sold.

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Yes , I too thought the same, even though we never had a car.

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Memories were endless. It was refreshing indeed to be able to recollect a few of them. To me, the first watch is something I always treasured.

Every day, I was grown up watching my dad with his watch. He used to wear them all along – like during his lunch, dinner, work, walk, sleep etc. I was so fond of watches then. But yes, like all other kids, I never knew how to check the time.

When I was in smaller classes, my mom used to get me those fake watches with those flashy screens, which becomes dead in a few days span. I only had the first few day hype for it.

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I always wanted a watch like my dad had- those silver straps square dial totally looked elegant. When I was in the third standard, my parents gifted me a black strapped square dial watch with a digital screen.

It was the happiest moment for me. I slept with it, ate with it and I did almost everything with it in my hand, that finally, I got those strap marks imprinted on my wrist. Still, I was indeed very happy. I had that watch for years and years when finally my parents got rid of it and brought me a new one with the similar look.

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Even now, no golden color or attractive watches take my mind off, because I still cherish the beauty of  “my first watch”, and nothing can beat it.

Looking back,

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We just lived creating memories.

 

EVERY STAGE OF LIFE IS A FEAR TO CONQUER

Fear 

She sat looking at the glow

the glow that was glittering like gold

the glow that was shimmering like a star

she crawled and crawled

trying to reach out to that star

approaching it, she had the triumph smile on her face

she extended her tender hands towards it

all she wants to do was to grab it

hold it in her hand

enjoy it sparkle in her fist

like the star in the night sky

as she touched it

There was a scream

A scream that brought her to tears

It was the incense stick…

that brought her pain……..

Did she stop yet?

Never, She still moved on, trying everything she could find on her way up growing to be a sensible female. Fear stops us from doing things that we must not be doing, yet we end up doing the same.

As a kid, I used to scared of public appearances. I was little timid myself, but there was a push in me that led me to shed my fears and let me walk onto the stage.

Every age level, I had some kind of fear disturbing me, and every milestone was conquering them. Hence without a conflict with my fear within, there was no going forward in my life.

At 17, I was scared of my hostel, as I had to stay away from my parents.

At 20, I was scared to get married, As I never intended to lose my freedom

At 23, I was scared of family responsibilities, as I felt I was immature to manage

Growing up was indeed a challenge, we all have to face. Responsibilities are a mountain terrain we ought to climb at least one point in life, dealing with it is an everyday fear.

But do we have an escape?

No, I believe,  taking up these small challenges will give you an adventurous life (be it small or big).

Fear is a manipulative emotion that can trick us into living a boring life. – Donald Miller

Fear is a natural instinct, that is inbuilt in us, from the time we were born. Like a response to stimuli, when our brain senses danger, the fear awakens. Hence Fear is a faithful companion till the end of life for us. As the final fear we have is the “end-of-life” and overcoming it is the death.

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For me, the most creeping phobia is the  Claustrophobia – fear of enclosed spaces.

As a child, I never slept close to the walls. Thanks to the Dracula movies which I used to watch back then, the scary hands and faces that bulge out in the walls, have always scared me to the core. As I fall asleep, I used to dream of those scary things jumping up from here and there and troubling my peaceful sleep. I even wondered Why did I ever watch those movies then.

And yes, still I haven’t overcome that fear, hence sleeping at the edge is the only solution. 😛

To lead a happy life we need to overcome all our fears and learn from mistakes and play the game called life wisely. As everything we need is gained only when we face the fear.

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Choosing to be a mom, brining up a child is also fighting a kind of fear within us. We have to battle every day with our conscience and thoughts to be a better mom. At times we confront the truths as our child behaves exactly like us – leaving us  totally confused and ashamed. We realize our mistakes then, but again the Fear of being exposed in front of them, leads us to hide the truth at times. Choosing to be brave enough to rectify mistakes and overcoming the fear is rather important.

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Hence choose to be stronger and wiser.

Blow away your aversion and walk towards your future. 

WHAT’S A HOME? – III

As Shikha spoke …

Meghana seemed to be lost in her own world, she was hardly listening to Shikha’s voice. Shikha’s voice echoed somewhere deep down her own thoughts. She took a sip of the coffee, pretending to listen to her. Meghana tried to push a smile on her face, yet something was pricking her mind.

As Shikha suddenly rose up from her seat, ” Am sorry, I guess it is not the right time, I shall talk to you sometime later.” She smiled and walked into the corner to welcome another guest. Meghana felt, she was rude to her, but she ignored as she was struggling with her own battle of thoughts.

Again Meghana was lost in her own hurdles of pain.

She rose and walked out of the Coffee shop. Stepping out she stood as if she was lost

Unable to choose which road to take, she stood there overlooking the street in dismay.

The streets were familiar to her, as it reminded her good old days.

The bus stop where she met Manu for the first time, where they exchanged smiles. The streets she always walked hand in hand with Manu, after their engagement. Every memory flashed through her mind.

She quickly turned to the right, walking towards the beach, fighting the breeze that was obstructing her view. Tears pouring from her eyes clouding her vision, yet she kept her head low, not to catch anyone’s attention.

As she paced her way down the street, she felt someone calling from behind.

She stopped, turned around and saw – it was her old friend Animesh.

He had all smiles on his face,  she wiped her eyes and gave a surprised look.

“Hey…..hi, how are you Megha? Where were you all along? You seemed to have vanished …..”

His words never stopped …she could feel his excitement.

It was ever since she heard someone call her Megha … She smiled and said

“I am fine Animesh, how are you?”

He just stood looking at her for a second, “You have changed completely”, he gasped.

Looking at her closely, he noticed there was something disturbing her, but he just ignored as he didn’t want her to be uncomfortable.

Meghana remained silent, still looking on to the road, rather than talking to him.

“Megha… how are Manu and Kabir? I guess Kabir must be a big boy now, long time since I met him…”  asked Animesh.

Megha was again lost in her own world, she hardly seemed to be her self.

“Megha… are you ok?”, asked Animesh

“Ahh… yes Animesh, I am fine”, replied Meghana

“I asked you how is Manu is everything fine, you seemed to be disturbed”

Meghana realized she was panicking Animesh, hence smiled at him trying to hide away the agony in her.

“Would you mind coming for a cup of coffee Megha?” Animesh asked

“Mmm…I just had, would you mind taking a walk with me instead?” Megha doubtfully asked.

To her surprise, Animesh replied, “Yes, of course, dear, come let us move then”.

She looked at him, he seemed to be so happy and delighted in meeting her. Meghana felt happier, yet, she was struggling to be herself with Animesh.

Animesh was glancing in between on her face trying to figure out what she was hiding, yet he never let her know.

“So, how are things with you? How is life?”, Animesh asked

She avoided his question and  asked him “How come you here, I thought you were abroad.”

“Oh,  just returned from a long project work, now I will be here for a while .”

She nodded “Ok, How is everyone at home?”

Animesh was suppresing all his questions in his mind, his mind wandered with his eyes questioningly looking at her, trying to understand what was going on in her mind. He noticed her teary eyes, swollen face and messed up look. He was all upset. He was trying to find his old Megha in her, but it was utter failure.

They walked silently without uttering a word.

As they reached the beachside  Animesh asked “Can we sit here for a while?”

Meghana glanced the space and nodded “MMM…”

Again she remained Silent…..

She was puzzled, as she could not speak a word to her best friend .

What is wrong with me?

Should I tell him? No, He may not understand my plight.

Animesh understood that something was troubling her inside. He looked at her as she was lost in her own deteriorating memories.

He slowly patted on her shoulder trying to bring her back.

To his jolt, she just broke herself into tears. Animesh didn’t know how to react.He had never seen her like that ever.

She wept …..breathlessly….

Continue reading the next part HERE

IGNORE MISUNDERSTANDINGS, IF YOU WANT TO MOVE AHEAD

When I was given this topic to write about, I just let my thoughts wander around to find out which incident is right to put up here.

Yes, I had numerous instances in life, where I was misunderstood, but yes, Time is a real healer, which showed up, the real me to all.

There was a past me- a totally immature one, who got upset about being misunderstood most of the times, other than weeping, there was no other go. At times I even recollect bursting out too. There was not much support as all the fingers pointed out to me.

Seems the friction of all these blame and misunderstanding, I became more like a polished one outshining all the blame games. I am still on the learning path of ignoring these delusions that are happening to me.

If you are silent, you create a false impression that you are rude, polite and even showing attitude.

If you are talkative, then you are confounded as a flirt and an outgoing person.

If you are aloof, then you are misunderstood as a loner, heartbroken, useless and hard-hearted.

If we are polite, then you are flirting.

People judge my writings at times, There was an instance at which an anonymous person, began posting outrageous comments on my blogs, which was not only insulting me but others who were commenting on my posts. I was shocked for a while by the person’s mere indignity.

It disturbed me for a while :

I write, as it is my passion and my writing may or may not reflect my life. Yet judging my character on that basis was totally an irrelevant act. At first, I decided to post replies to the comments stating my anger.

Yet, the mature (i consider myself at times) me was holding me back. I decided to ignore.

I began my writing to liberate my thoughts about life. But misunderstanding me for the thoughts I pour in my writing was totally an insult to me.

I do know misunderstandings happen, yet at times the mind is uncontrollable to suffer the pain. I understood that giving time, is rather the right approach to tackle it.

I believe – that explaining is at times worthless.

A misunderstood mind, is unable to interpret, what the others want to convey. It will be like talking to a person with a loud drum played in the background.

A disturbed mind is never the right time and place to converse.

It is true that :

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Yet, At times it is hard to convince them.

I firmly believe,

Hence, never struggle to convince you are right- Time will show who is right and who is wrong. Maybe for a split second of time, the other person might be right, as he misunderstands us, with his/ her own perspective of thoughts. Struggling ourselves to convince the other when there is a cloud of confusion, is a wasted effort.

To conclude :