Standing on the hypothetical rock by the river as I look back and keep opening the difficult pages of my life, I don’t regret about them, but I feel grateful to God that He took me through them.
Did I sound too filmy and general?
Let me then take you on a ride in my time machine revisiting all those pages of my life now…
Grateful for Heartaches & Vulnerable Moments
I had soft corners for many girls in my life. But I chose only one out of all to express my love, even though she turned down my proposal. And others were those whom I could not have proposed or expressed my feelings. At that moment, I cursed myself as I went through those vulnerable moments. But I was clear in my heart and mind that my vulnerability was not an excuse or platform for me to take those refutable steps at those moments of life. I was murderous each time I choked those forbidden feelings and emotions. Trust me, they were utterly painful moments. They were almost like the pain of a woman going through abortions, killing those feelings after conceiving them within yourselves.
I was so ungrateful and regretting about everything while I passed through those events in my life. I even questioned God at that time, “Why did you let me go through these?”
But today, when I look back, I feel grateful for those ungrateful moments, because of those hurts and heartaches, I could understand the matters of heart better than others. I can feel the pain of a person who go through such succumbing turmoil within himself or herself.
Grateful for Taunts and Assumptions of people
“Huh! You be quiet. Sitting at home, you can’t understand how hot it is outside.” It is true, I don’t go out, I won’t be able to understand the pain of working outside in summer times but I do know the fact about how it must be feeling in summer and I deserve to place my opinion as well.
“You are too fearful. Don’t talk about pain so much, trust God and you will be fine.” But the truth is, people talk about trusting in God, and I lived out my life till now trusting God.
“Nothing will happen, you can do it by God’s strength.” Again, that’s a half-truth. I have been and will be doing things by God’s strength but while in pain and suffering. The words like, ‘nothing will happen’ has no meaning for me. Because something or other have been happening to me all through my lives yet, I am not broken but leading a joyous life even with whatever is going within me. That’s a fact, that’s the truth.
“Hey, look at his nails, they look so weird. They are so big.” I hear whispers like this many times when I come across people who are unknown me. If I get a scope, I usually smile at them in response and explain why they are so otherwise I look away or divert my mind from those looks of people.
All these comments, remarks, taunts and assumptions about and for me were utterly unpleasant and discouraging. At those moments I was so ungrateful to all of them whoever uttered those words. But now when I look back, I feel grateful because those words, whispers made me tolerant and resilient.
Grateful for indifferent and insensitive behaviors
Being sick, I am always left out from most of the activities or events where physical strain is a must. We talk about old people being so isolated during Covid19 times. But I have been isolated like them as well. Not only about this difficult time, but also in general I never go out on trips and events often.
During my life when I used to be alone, I used to feel extremely bored and search for people to talk with or do something that will keep me hooked. But nothing was possible at that time. There were no mobile phones, no Facebook or anything that can make me distracted. But when I joined the office, I had everything yet the level of desperation and loneliness changed and the needs deepened. When I fall sick, I suffer the most. “You behave like a kid when you are no okay.” Someone told me once I approached or showed how needy I was. I know the intention of the person may not be bad, I took it differently. I felt neglected, ignored and unwanted while I was in desperation. Sometimes people don’t count me in the decision-making group because I won’t be active in things we plan.
The lifestyle I led made me feel lonely, ignored and deserted many times. But when I look back, I feel grateful about those moments because those are the moments when I reinvented myself, discovered my creative skills and became very observant about things and people around me. Those moments and behaviors made me to be more sensitive towards others. They moulded me to become an empathetic person and thus, I am grateful for all those ungrateful behaviours that I had been receiving from many.
God has His purpose in making me while He took me through all these very ungrateful events, moments and emotions. But I am thankful and grateful for everything that I went through acknowledging them as my training sessions. I keep surrendering myself again and again into God’s mighty hands while going through things that are unpleasant even these days. I will be the same, tough and flexible at the same time.
God has been my strength and portion as it is written in the Bible,
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
But God will only be the strength and portion of all those who surrender themselves to Him.
I want to quote someone who surrendered herself to God and then decided to be grateful for everything: “I’m done crying, I’m done asking why, and I’m done waiting. Lord take it if it isn’t mine. I promise not to question you anymore. I promise to be thankful instead.”
So friends bring all those ungrateful and bitter experiences in your life. Surrender them all to God and He will grind all those in His grace and let you drink everything. You will gulp them easily which you found difficult to swallow previously. I gulped it, so can you. 🙂