WANT TO STOP VIOLENCE? START AT HOME!

Last week, I met a ‘gentleman’ in one training. I have put the gentleman word in quotes because that’s his feeling and not mine. While we were talking over dinner, he told me that this is the first time he has ever come to Bangalore. After a few more questions, he said he had never been to any place out of Hyderabad. That sounded a little stupid to me. He was married, and I really wondered why no one would want to go to any other place other than their hometown and workplace. He expressed that his wife has the interest to travel, but he doesn’t want to. I told him that he should let her travel if she wants to, for which his response really bothered me. “You know, women should be kept in control. Once if I leave her to her will, she would never listen to me again”, said he nodding his way as if he was acknowledging it again. I was furious listening to those statements of his, yet, it was not in my power to say anything. Where do you think that hideous thought of his came from? 

Often our behaviors are dependent on our upbringing. There is a saying, “if you want to know how a man is, get to know his friends.” That’s because we get attracted to people who are like us or who we inspire to become. Our childhood has a significant influence on who we are today, either positive or negative. When I read in the news regarding domestic violence, political, religious, or economic, I often wonder if they had any prior exposure to this. Let’s consider economic abuse – When a person wants to abuse another economically, it is usually carefully planned. At the least, the person should have enough talent to fool the other person. To not get caught, it should be executed with the utmost care. If we think about domestic violence, these men would have grown up as boys who witnessed abuse. 

I am no expert in criminal psychology, but the results of certain studies on men who resorted to violent acts are linked to prior acts of violence at home. A recent study has revealed that 50% of men accused of mass shootings or bombings have either been charged or were sentenced for killing or abusing their wife or girlfriend. These studies point only to one fact that violence starts at home. Violence at home is a child’s first experience at a tender age and becomes a justifier in the future. There is a pattern to all this. Don’t believe me? Read about some of the key convicts of popular violent crimes, and you would start to see the pattern too. In most cases, the courts have not taken domestic violence acts very seriously.  

How can we help to reduce violence? I am only going to talk about two points that can really help, in my opinion.

  1. Social media sharing: Violence is a disease. You don’t cure a disease by sharing it.
    • Whenever there is a violent outbreak, we often see people updating their statuses with videos or news articles. If you intend for others to exercise caution, that’s good, but please do mention that along with sharing the article. 
    • When I see someone updating, “My heart hurts,” or “Furious of these acts” kind of messages, I really want to question those people. If you intend to help, please reach out to the victims or NGOs who are trying to help. I do not really understand how it helps if your social contacts know that your heart hurts or head aches. These don’t do any good; instead, there may be others who do not even have an idea of what actually happened, just keep liking/sharing the status, and it isn’t necessary at all. Write a private post to someone who can help instead. 
    • Unfortunately, when we are not part of the violence, what we know is the least, and please respect privacy. 
  2.  Teach kids at a tender age how to stay safe and prevent violence
    • The difference between good touch and bad touch should be known to all kids. 
    • Tell them, it is wise to settle disputes with dialogue and not fistfights. 
    • Never fight before kids. 
    • Speak up when something is not right 

Remember – Language matters. Our words matter. Our actions matter. If we want a society free of violence, we should be part of that change. I understand that it cannot happen in a day or two, but it has to start somewhere. Why not our own home? 

 

“Thou shalt not be a victim, thou shalt not be a perpetrator, but, above all, thou shalt not be a bystander.”
― Yehuda Bauer

 

2 thoughts on “WANT TO STOP VIOLENCE? START AT HOME!

  1. In which world does this dude live in! I am not surprised and got to do with the environment, the patriarchal that made him who he is. And, he told of never traveling and explains his lack of exposure. Aastha, you gave some interesting pointers on how not to fight in front of children and bring alive the scars leaving a negative impact. I watched Thappad during the weekend and this guy is one of the over-entitled of controlling a woman just because they are so scared of progress, ambition, and freedom.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for stopping by Vishal. It is shameful that some men think that way even today.. why should anyone be controlled? They are not kids. A fully grown adult needs no one to control, I don’t understand why such simple logic is so difficult to follow.

      Liked by 1 person

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