While doing one of the Life coaching courses, I was quite upset because I had a recent fight with my boyfriend (now husband). I was upset because he felt that I wasn’t giving him enough time whereas I knew so well that I was doing my best. It was a never ending fight between us. That day when my coach saw me upset and heard my story, he said – “Why you running this racket with your boyfriend?” Just stopping racketing and fix the real concern. I was in middle of that course that explained what a relationship racket is, so I instantly got him and started to laugh. With this change of perspective, I just needed an hour to resolve a million conflicts between me and Kapil.
What really is a racket?
Racket is a scam. It is a fixed way of being which results in persistent complaints. Complaints could be about yourself or about others. Rackets result in constant complaints and consistent way of behaving.
Still not clear, let me explain with an example
Reena lives with her in laws. Invariably, she and her mother in law always have a cold war going on about how to handle the kitchen work. Reena likes to cook but her style of cooking is very different than what her in laws are used to. Plenty of food goes for a waste when she cooks because nobody likes the taste. Finding this discouraging, she stopped cooking altogether. Due to this the load of cooking came on the Mother in law. Few months down the line, mother in law started to complain about Reena not participating in the kitchen. However, that isn’t entirely true because Reena tries to do everything else around the house and kitchen. This constant complaints from both sides is the source of stress in the house. Many a times there are arguments, taunts and silent treatments to each other. It impacts the energy of the house. It impacts the peace of mind and health of these two ladies.
So, this is constant way of being. Both of them don’t want to change their attitude and yet complain about each other. This is a typical example of a racket.
Why do we run rackets?
Because there is a payoff. Every time we behave in a certain unproductive way, there is payoff that we just don’t want to let go off. Payoff is a gift that we get run a racket. But this payoff comes at a cost. Look at the examples of payoffs
|Being right / making others wrong||Health / peace of mind|
|Dominate / avoid others dominating||Satisfaction|
|Justify / Invalidate others||Fulfillment|
|Win / make other lose||Love / affinity / relationship|
|Look good / make others look bad||Vitality|
For every Payoff that we get, we have to pay the cost.
How to identify rackets
Look at all the constant complaints that you have in your life against other people (or yourself). And ask yourself
Is there a fixed way of being?
Is there a fixed complaint?
Do you see a payoff right away?
If you see a payoff, then look at the cost that you are paying for that payoff?
Once you know the payoff and cost, you have the right to choose. You can still choose the payoff but at least it is a conscious decision to keep running a racket.
So, in short you are running a racket in your relationships when you keep paying a much precious cost for an unproductive payoff. And you keep doing it for days, months and years together resulting in unfulfilled and unproductive life.