Year 2016, I failed my first ever examination. And by examination I mean literally examination where candidates sit in a room and test their knowledge about a particular subject. (My conscience is knocking me at this moment “Are you sure FIRST TIME? What about the one or two competitive exams you appeared for 🤔?” Pat comes my answer when the results are unknown I can easily state conspiracy theories😎). But in this situation results were out instantly and I flunked. What an embarrassment! My head hung in shame and searching for excuses or you can say solace in answers like “you are not alone, relax! Out of 20 people present there only one or two cleared the test. And there was one candidate who got it all wrong. And you were just 2 points away from the passing mark” and many points in the same league just to console my hurt heart which was crying deep inside “Ab kaise muh dikhaaoge gharwaalo ko” (how would you face your family now?).
Why I was ashamed? Is it because I had to shell out more money (I forgot to tell that it was a driving theory test) I preferred to give my test in English? Is it because my husband had to skip many lunches at home as I was preparing hard for this 🙈? Probably because I was taking myself too seriously, trying too hard to keep up my image of a “topper”. My failure in that exam was a result of my fear, pressure to prove myself, in short my insecurity (My good friend Rajnandini mentioned in her article “No Insecurity when God is your Security“. Result could have been different if I would have concentrated a little bit more on logic of driving lessons, just saying.
Coming to the current year, 2019. I finally cleared my driving theory test with an excellent score. And comes the next stage, I am finally at the steering wheel. Thought practical will be easy but it’s been 16 hours, 4 hours per week but I am still at gear 2 and my instructor continuing his high pitched shrilled voice “Kalpana – what about maintaining your right? Look how close we are to the edge; look how far we are from the edge; Why is your car trembling? You can’t change the gear without handling clutch” and he continues. At the end of every session he repeats himself “don’t drive with hesitations, pressure and fear. Driving isn’t that difficult.”
And a deep introspection of his words again puts me in the dock asking myself “why do you fear so much? Why do you want to prove yourself ? Why not relax and let it sink?” Answer is probably I am still in control of my insecurities instead of my car 😁 – I don’t want to look and sound dumb. I have the pressure of learning how to drive for my kids but the pressure of proving myself is greater than anything else.
All said and done I don’t have any inhibitions to accept that yes I am an insecure person. My insecurities stem from the fact that I want to guard my image, I fear people’s perception about me. To put it simply – I don’t want to look dumb. I am sure there are many more people with me on the same page, sailing the same boat. We take up things to prove ourselves, we hesitate to clarify our doubts because we fear mockery, we hesitate to say NO because we don’t want to come across as rude, in short we are too indulged in ourselves or take ourselves too seriously.
It’s time to break shackles of our insecurities and to breathe free. Reason – our “image” is not of tad importance to anyone. It isn’t a picture of Mona Lisa decorating the Louvre Museum, distortion of which would make a huge difference to anyone. what say? Do share your experiences and start breaking and breathing free because every iota of world’s creation and creature have it’s own importance. Just bask and soak yourself in that glory. Meanwhile I will try the same 😁.