I was sitting in the conference room alone. I was in a call with 3 other people from other end of the world. There was apparent difference of opinion which was getting heated up. People were refusing to see my point of view and I was feeling helpless, angry and attacked.
I opened my mouth to say something and realized that people on the other side would notice the quiver in my voice. Tears were already flowing down my cheeks, thankfully nobody could witness that. I spoke finally as strongly as I could. It was time to call in my manager to resolve things but I had to be in shape before I call him in. If he sees me in tears – I don’t know what will he think of me. So I waited till I calmed down and tears were not troubling me anymore. Then I had further discussion and thankfully tears did not come in between that.
Tears sometimes are a problem for me. Because they have to appear when I am angry, upset, helpless, too happy or any other extreme emotion. I have been labelled as somebody who is too emotional and not too strong in her views at times. I credit that to my tears.
Sometimes, I also feel so what if my tears show up. Isn’t that a part of the emotion that I am feeling? Why am I embarrassed of them? I am embarrassed because the way people react to them. They suddenly have a face showing pity on me. They start thinking that I am out of control and probably need a break. That irritates me even more. In my early years of career, it was a bigger problem now I have learnt to handle them – though my tears still disappoint me so many times.
“You know what, I need to cry out and that’s why I just want to watch a sad love story!” This statement isn’t very uncommon from me. Strange, right! Why would I want to purposely cry and in absence of a reason I watch an emotional movie or read a love story? It indeed happens with me when my life becomes too mechanical, when I haven’t got a chance to feel human emotions to its depth – I miss emotions and I miss these very tears that disappoint me in a number of situations.
The day of my wedding when I was supposed to bid goodbye to my family to be a part of my husband’s family – I saw everybody crying, my parents, my sisters but these tears did not come out. Why? I have no clue! Was I not sad? I was. But I was also very confused at that time. Too many things were happening, too many things to be taken care of that probably my tears did not enough motivation to show themselves.
So, I have a strange relationship with these little pearls of water that just choose to wet my eyes and cheeks. Sometimes I miss them terribly, sometimes I get embarrassed with them, sometimes I get into trouble because of them.
My dog saw my tears at a very early age. She used to come and lick them to show that she wants me to be happy. It was the best ever feeling with this gesture of hers. My son tries to divert my attention when he notices them. He says – “See Mumma, I can jump so long!” He is sweet little darling who believes that life is all about having a smiling face.
Tears, o tears – you are an integral part of me.
You make me what I am with all my emotions packed nicely in me.
I am not ashamed of you, I am not very proud of you.
But thanks for making me the way I am.
I love you and wouldn’t know how my life would be without you.
(Featured Image Credit: Google Inc.)