I never knew that morning when I logged in to Yahoo, restless and in dire need of some interaction, some distraction, that it was my lucky day and it will bring me to someone who was going to become a pivotal indispensable part of my life.
I was going through the darkest of patches of my life, living every day as a mannequin goes through life. I ate without hunger, without taste. I slept with no sleep in my eyes, the medicines inducing sleep. I smiled a plastic smile with tears in my eyes for the sake of my mother. Chronic and Acute Depression had me it’s claws, and there was no way out of my misery. I had practically closed my heart to every kind of emotion, letting it turn to stone, so it feels nothing at all. I had lied enough times telling everyone ‘I am Fine’ that it became a habit for me, never letting anyone share my agony and melt my icy heart.
I had our first conversation, and I felt I am meeting an equally closed and cold person and it suited me well. I was in no mood to be an opening for someone to dump their pain in me by sharing it. Initially, we chatted on and off, some days for hours then none at all. But after years there was a curiosity in my heart to know this person more, to be with him and to tell him everything. With time I shared things about my father and my pain with him, and although I was scared of being called a “Whining.” person and to my surprise, he listened, he listened to everything. He never once wanted me to shut it out or keep it to myself. He heard and was smart enough to voice his opinion without sounding empathetic or overtly emotional. I remember often asking him if my talks bored him, the answer was always “No, tell me more.”
I shared everything, again and again, and he heard them, over and over without a single complain or sigh on his lips. He shared things about his life, his troubles and his problems. I have a fear of Doctors, and he turned out to be a Doctor, which had me thinking how can he be so different from my expectations. I could not even think of letting him go because he was a doctor and over time I must say he has changed my opinion of Doctors. He wasn’t that clinically detached person to human suffering like I had expected, a cliched image I made for all doctors. He was warm and kind and helpful. The rarest of rare things was he saw both sides of a coin while putting himself in other’s shoes to see things from their POV, and taught me the same. I, unlike him, was quick to act on impulse and often got triggered by something small and insignificant. He brought stability to my life, telling me that every battle must not be fought then and there, every war isn’t mine to fight, and I am not entitled to win every time. Some must be overlooked, some I am bound to lose.
Holding his hand as my support, I walked into the light from my darkness and once again, I was hungry, I was sleeping, I was smiling, genuinely. And my heart started to melt once again, turning back to that loving and warm heart it was meant to be. Laughs came back to my lips, and happiness found the way to my door once again.
After that, every day was a gift. A gift from him. He gave me many presents, abundantly. My writing is his most beautiful present. Something that makes me fortunate and feels accomplished and proud. I had just told him of my dream to be a writer one day, and he just evoked enough confidence in me to propel me to start writing. Being here, writing for Candles is his gift too. He surrounded me with enough people in my life, so I am never lonely ever again. He gave me enough reasons to stay busy, and I had no time with me to sit and brood over what’s lost to me. My depression and anxiety and panic attacks went down considerably.
We acquired many things from each other. He adapted the flair to write from me while I imbibed the love for English music and animation films from him. I am at loss of words when I speak of his greatness because, amid everything, he is unaware of his potential and his goodness.
I was hiding in my house; you knocked on my Door
With healing hands you touched, Banishing pain in my Core
You filled in the gaping void in me; I couldn’t ask for More
A forgotten Island I was, and you were out to Explore
Your footprints in the sand by me, on a lonely Seashore
You changed me for the better; I am not what I was Before