SILENT ISN’T GOLDEN IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP

It’s almost a regime for me to talk to my bestie.  We share our deepest darkest secrets, hearty laughs, saddest moments day in and day out.  Few days back amidst such exchange of emotions she told me about a brawl that broke down in the premises of her husband’s office following a missed call.  You heard it right it was just a “Missed Call“.

Her husband is a good friend of mine as well.  It’s about a missed call that he made to his female co-employee and it was unintentional, more of an accident as he was trying to call his father and ended up dialing her number which was next in contact list by mistake.  Within a fraction of seconds he disconnected the call as he realised the goof-up he made.

It all began with that accidental call.  Soon there was a revert and it was the husband of that lady on the other side. “Why you are calling my wife at this hour? (It was only 8PM), “Do you call often?” He was quite derogatory in his remarks.  Nothing seemed to pacify him or make this moron understand the fact that it was unintentional.  He was adamant on seeing my friend in his office next day as if he had some old scores to settle.

Next day as expected that man landed at my friend’s office.  He was raring to initiate a scuffle and create chaos to be seen by everyone around.  But thanks to few good confidants of my friend, that was averted.  But that didn’t stopped that reckless rogue from spitting venom about everyone including my friend.

The underlying issue was his ailment of doubting his wife’s loyalty towards him and their relationship.  Suspicion is his middle name.  He would always point out at the way she dresses, a tinge of make-up on her face would set the wheels of his obscene mind churning, would keep a track of her minutes, would always make it a point that she is always under his thumb especially in front of his family which is dysfunctional to the core.  To sum it up – he is mentally ill with an apparently healthy abode.  All this garbage can still be branded and gulped down as “Male Ego”, “Chauvinism” which is  more uncommonly common in society like ours, though unacceptable.  But what surprised me, in fact stunned me was that woman’s stand.  When my friend asked her about her stand about her husband’s behaviour, rather misbehaviour she dropped her shoulders and sighed saying “What can I do? What stand can I take? I have to put up with this.  And anyways you shouldn’t have created so much ruckus here in office, Sir!”.  

That was something unbelievably stupid coming from a financially independent, educated woman who takes care of an unemployed (by choice) husband who himself has his past relationships peeping (in fact resting in his drawing-room) in his present with his wife having full knowledge of it, still making no bones about it. Had it been from an illiterate and dependent person, that would have drawn some sympathy.  This lady only attracts ire.  Few may hold a different opinion but inability to stand up and against such oppression in the name of family, love, values makes her equally guilty.

I want to re-emphasize that she is equally guilty as her silence is encouraging her husband’s sadistic and patriarchal approach where a woman is deemed to be acceptable if she is a silent spectator. She will prove to be a culprit to her daughter (who is just two years old) and her dreams.  She is doing nothing but preparing a ground which would allow her daughter to grow up with a mentality that a woman can’t question a man.  There could be two possible outcomes to such a cowardice approach of that little girl’s mother:

  • That could kill the confidence of a budding spirit. Since parents are the first role models for any child, looking up at her mother’s way of handling issues (very much passive) there’s every possibility under the sun that she would accept things lying down in future without any objection, without any contest and let out a foul cry blaming fate.  Unfortunately, this is the environment majority of girls grow up in. “Pati Parmeshwar Hota Hai” (Husband Is God) is the tonic girls are made to mug up breaking them from within, doubting themselves and leaving them always to search for a shoulder to lean on. I pity the poor child!
  • She might end up as a rebel with no cause.  A child needs love and mutual respect as catalysts for a healthy development.  But in the case at hand it is mental harassment, emotional abuse, fear, oppression that play constantly in front of her eyes and in mind in her growing years.  And it’s proven that with such a volatile and disturbed environment kids might end up being bullies or rebels.

To avoid any such occurrence in future that lady should raise her voice now even if it means walking away and out of such a rotten relationship.  By the way I forgot to reveal one twist in the story. This lady chose her partner (love marriage) and was well aware of his ways even before the marriage was consummated.

Is it Love or pure ignorance or self-degradation?  In this case I clearly see that this lady’s sensibilities are paralyzed beyond repair to put up with such a scrupulous person with her self-respect at stake every single minute.  In order to be acclaimed as a doting and pious wife she has completely laid herself on pedestal enduring character assassination at the drop of hat.

I understand, ego daunts a relationship but lack of self-respect isn’t saving it either.

Do think about it.

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25 thoughts on “SILENT ISN’T GOLDEN IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP

  1. Kalpana, this article is one of your best which I have already told you. The flow of your article and the conclusion was very absolutely bang on…

    The incident you mentioned was quite amusing as well as sad for both the husband and wife. And I would like to say, it is not only the women who suffer always… sometimes the husbands also face that scanner of suspicion of wives. Those of us who don’t go through it really need to thank God for that blessing. And it is such a difficult task to raise voice that we can’t imagine.

    You will be raising voice against the father or mother of your child and you might spend rest of your life alone…

    All these thoughts literally paralyze the minds of the victims. But still, as you rightly pointed out we should always raise our voice against these kinds of abusers.

    The whole world is celebrating love in this month and Charlie is dealing with bombs 😉
    Regards, CP

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hehe, I am really overwhelmed with your appreciation. You are right, that men also face such abuse, it’s just that in this case it’s a woman. The problem lies in our social set up which pokes too much nose in others’ lives. The fear of social intrusion or boycott in case of a failed marriage bogs a victim down from raising voice. That’s really sad. But nothing can be an excuse for enduring such torment especially when law has some amendments to help people in distress.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. As Chiradeep says, it can affect both sexes, but it is more often women who find themselves in this position. I cannot understand how someone can continue to live under such conditions. Still, lots of people do, and waste their lives. This woman can’t possibly be happy in her relationship. We no longer live in a society where divorce or separation is thought to be wrong, so there’s no excuse to stay. Or is she afraid of what her husband might do if she left? That is one thing that might stop her. He is obviously a bully and a man with no self-confidence.
    When my son was little, about 2 or 3, there was a young woman whose children went to the same playgroup as him. Her husband was also a bully, and inflicted physical violence on her. Eventually she left him, but one day, he found her and stabbed her. She died, sadly, from her wounds. Perhaps some of these women stay because they are afraid of worse if they leave.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. That’s really sad. Living in fear, dying fighting fear, with every advancement human race is making, the “human” in humans is on the verge of extinction and happiness is an unattainable dream it seems.

      Like

  3. You nailed it in the last line. Send this to her so she knows where she’s going wrong. Ladies who bend over backwards just to appease everyone only end up breaking their backs. I’ve always believed that we women are perpetrators of sins against us. This lady is the same. She will probably tell her daughter or daughter in law – jhel lo, yahi hota hai.

    Like

  4. Well articulated and strong article. It’s so difficult to be in an abusive relationship. I hope your acquaintance finds the courage to speak up and set things right. I see that she has a daughter. I hope the child is getting the right emotional nourishment.
    Again well penned 👏👏👏👌👌😊

    Liked by 1 person

  5. This is a very sad and thought-provoking narrative. I think it is extremely easy to become passive under the guise of love. Patience and passivity can seem deceptively similar. But it’s important to make the distinction between love and passivity in an abusive relationship. Allowing the abuser to continue despicable acts harms everyone involved, including the abuser. And it is devastating when there are children involved who are looking to your example to see what love looks like. It is true that the loving thing is actually to remove yourself from the abusive situation, even if it is hard and causes pain. The dull pain of the continued relationship is ultimately more harmful than the sharp pain of tearing yourself away from it.


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