As her car driver made his way through the heavy traffic, Nina picked up from where her thoughts had trailed off. This was not the first time that she had allowed her mind to wander off in the direction of her past. Still, it seemed as a fresh gush of thoughts.
It was not as if only Ankit was shattered that day when she had refused his proposal. She was broken too! Broken within, but wearing a bold outward appearance. She had to. She could not let Ankit see her heart break into smithereens. How else, would he then move away from her? How else, would he be able to pick himself up and move on in life? Love can’t bear to see the loved one in pain.
She had gulped her tears in silence. A hundred thoughts kept shooting across her mind that day. Would she able to carry on with life without Ankit? How would she overcome this deep chasm? She felt as if she was alone in the storm and her anchor was slipping away from her. Would she survive or sink?
What had made Nina decide to move away from Ankit? Didn’t she love him? She knew she did. And she was sure of his love for her too.
“Answer me, why?”, Ankit had asked. Nina had answered with silent tears. Not a word.
How much she blamed herself for the betrayal! She couldn’t look at herself in the mirror. She had played with Ankit’s feelings and had left him when she didn’t want to commit. How selfish she had been!
Ankit had resigned from the job and had moved to another town immediately afterwards.
The reason why Nina had hesitated to commit to Ankit that day seemed less significant today. Perhaps she should have taken the risk!
Risk?? Startled by the word, she asked herself, “Is love a risk?” No, it is not. “Is commitment a risk?” Probably, yes. “Is commitment in love, a risk?” Probably, yes too! But, then that’s what life is!
She had discussed the entire episode with her psychologist – Dr. Laura, who had been a friend, guide and Counsellor to her for the past many years. Nina had decided to seek therapeutic care for herself when she arrived at the conclusion that she needed to come out from a traumatic childhood, which had resulted in Sleep Disorders.
Her father had worked for the government while her mother was a teacher. Nina was the elder of two siblings – her sister being five years younger to her. From the time she had gained understanding, Nina was witness to the daily episodes of parental dispute. Adding on to the trauma, was her mother’s harsh treatment towards her (which Nina later got to know from her therapy sessions, to be her mother’s way of taking out her own frustration of being ill-treated and unloved by her husband).
As a child, she grew with the impression that she was unwanted. Her parents fought savagely. Her mother hated her. There was no joy and peace in life. She had once thought of committing suicide. But, that time her godly grandmother had stopped her and had comforted her. Her grandmother had told her that day, “Nina, life is God’s precious gift to you. You are special. Don’t give up your life for the wrongdoings of others. Live your life for yourself and for the glory of God.”
These strong words had stayed with Nina all the years of her life.
But she had decided even as a child, that she would never commit to a man. She would under no circumstances go through what her mother had gone through. She would not let another generation of children suffer the way she and her sister had suffered.