I shall today accept what I have been doing wrong all my life, I have been ignoring myself, the true self. I am not too sure if that is because of my nature and my choices or the carelessness I have towards myself.
Few months back I was on a telephone conversation with one of my friends, explaining a hilarious yet a stupid deed of a man whom I have known for a few years, inadvertently she said, ” It has been a long time I have heard you laugh, I am so glad you are finally there”. Post the conversation, I was really thinking if I have stopped smiling, which isn’t true because I do, but yes definitely it has been ages I laughed with all of my heart. I wondered if it was the phase of my life or people around me, may be both.
Past few months have been very rough for me emotionally, I felt low most of the time, concentrated on work, and when I get time I am just preferring to fall asleep. I have been sleeping like anything during weekends, initially I was under the impression that may be the stress of work and long hours are making me tired. Last week, I strolled down the streets near my home, and wondered how many changes have happened. I am living in the same area and never noticed any one of them. New coffee shops, restaurants, a new road, sidewalk of the lake is developed, so much !!! I realised I am loosing interest in life. That brought me to the question, “What is life ?”
Life is to be lived for a purpose, be able to spend time with family and friends. My family doesn’t live with me and my friends are ‘busy’ with their own lives. I cannot really opt to pick up the phone to call or chat with anyone, it is a limitation I need to live with. So, what else ? Travelling – my travels have come to a halt as I haven’t been keeping well for quite sometime, that’s another limitation. I haven’t been able to concentrate on the goals I have set for life, time is passing by.
All of these together have brought a lot of confusion, frustration and anger on myself. It was really hurting me inside out, I was not able to find out which direction my life is heading. Is it even moving or is it at stand still ? I don’t know, I precisely don’t.
Meanwhile whenever people had time, they put it to the best use to make statements about me, shell their opinions on me and make me feel worthless. They weren’t able to hurt me just like that, I have let them do it. I agree that I am too caring, I give too much of myself for others, I am almost available anytime for anyone, but the problem is not that I am caring for others, the problem is that I haven’t been listening to myself, what I really need, what my feelings are, who I truly am. This has been my problem ever since.
Someone suggested to leave my job, because it is taking a lot of time and energy. I dislike the idea of leaving job, I always loved to work. It can be only for 8 hours or 18 hours a day, I really enjoy solving problems that matter. The purpose of my work and how it is going to help many others motivates me the most, provides satisfaction and makes me fall asleep to have done something today which is going to serve someone in need. Leaving job is not at all the solution. I am not lost because of work, but lack of interest towards what I want to do.
If I don’t really dwell into who I am, in no time I would be loosing the biggest asset I have, myself. I don’t want to change the core of me at all, I love to work, I love people, care for them and would continue to, at the same time set a plan for myself.
Yesterday, over an ice-cream (the picture is of the same, I have been thinking of having one for at least a month :p) I jolted down everything important for me. What do I need to live my life for the next few years ? I re-iterated my goals, re-validated them, then my responsibilities ( I cannot run away from them). I have put an approximated time for preparation, finances, time I would need to reach my goals. Slowly my plan started to shape-up.
I took the first step towards it today. I started going to gym after 2.5 years which was part of my regular routine earlier. I did not feel great working out, it was tiring, but, I cannot give up. Eventually I would feel fit enough to be able to travel and trek, my way of finding peace by venturing into nature. Many more are in the pipeline, hope to keep them going to find myself back ….
“When you fight yourself to discover the real you, there is only one winner.”
― Stephen Richards