I have a girl and I love her to bits, as I imagine every Mother in the world must do, regardless of the sex of her child. But even though my child is my everything, the centre of my universe, there was still a fraction of a second when I betrayed her and wished she was born a boy.

Did that surprise you? It surprised me too when it happened. When I lay motionless,  barely conscious in the operating room, and when the Doctor pulled her out from the gaping hole in my belly, she held her up for me to see her for the first time. I was overjoyed to see my baby finally, but right on the heels of that pure joy came that sickening moment which was the biggest betrayal to my baby girl. Because in that moment, however small it was, I wondered how it was that I brought forth a girl, when its a boy I had prayed for?

It’s true, I wanted a boy. People used to tell me how myopic my views were, how archaic my reasons sounded for wanting a boy in a family that was overflowing with boys. They accused me of being patriarchal and old-fashioned. They didn’t know the real reason, and I told no one because I feared a backlash if I did – I didn’t want another girl going through what women go through every day. To be specific, what I went through. If I bore a girl and brought her up only for her to be stared at, catcalled, or heaven forbid, touched or violated by some disgusting leche; or even to see her being mentally tortured or conditioned into believing that she was weak, that she had only one job in the world, or that she was secondary to someone, it would break my heart just like it breaks the hearts of millions of mothers out there who have daughters who have faced the ire of the world for being a woman. No mother would want her child to suffer through things like differential treatment, lewd stares, periods, leaving her home for another, dowry, domestic violence, family pressure for babies, and the list goes on…  But the heavens gifted me a girl, and now I wouldn’t exchange her for any number of boys.

But am I the only one who wished to have a boy for the reasons that I enumerated above? I suspect not. There are parents who have wanted a boy for reasons far worse than mine. And that’s why we have baby girls being killed off in India – a nation known for its reverence to its vast array of goddesses, yet infamous for little regard to the women in their own homes.

I will not go into the gory details of what female foeticide and infanticide are and what the stats say about them. If you wish to know that, please click here. I’m here to discuss the reasons behind it. And my own story is part of the perception that fuels this problem. I know that women, in general, don’t have it easy in any part of the world, but I can only attest to the situation in my own country. In India, a female child is unfortunately considered by many, an unwanted commodity, who has to be fed, clothed, educated only so that she can be the nurturer for someone else’s family. And even though it is this girl who is going to eventually perpetuate the family of another, it is the burden of the girl’s family itself to bring the dowry. Is that not the wrong way around? Forget that, why must there be a dowry at all for a ‘family member’, or for a ‘human being’? Is that how families should begin – by a barter of the boy’s hand for money or gifts from the girl’s family? Who’s genius, twisted and mercenary idea was it anyway?! But dowry remains the prime reason why girls are killed in a mother’s womb or right after their births in India. The economic strain of rearing and the eventual loss of a girl becomes the reason for their doom.

Where does the problem lie? I believe it originates from our beliefs that there is a difference between a girl and a boy, apart from the biological ones. We rear them up from infancy to think that they are bound to certain ‘roles’ in society because they were born with certain body parts. I also believe that the problems faced by Indian girls and women today have their origin, partially, in how we bring up our boys to consider themselves the ‘superior gender’; the other half originating in women themselves who think that a girl is a commodity, to be hawked away at a price. The problem of female foeticide and infanticide persists even in the modern era because of our skewed perception of what a girl signifies. To most traditional and pseudo-modern Indians, a girl signifies a freeloader. Like every freeloader, she is taken for granted and treated as secondary, in matters of health, education, occupation, even in marriage. Who wants a freeloader? No one. And so, no one wants the responsibility of raising a girl, but they only want the ultimate benefit a girl brings – the furtherance of the family name. What noble intentions indeed!

To be sure, there are laws, government initiatives, family planning programmes, free education initiatives and other sops offered to parents to deter them from sex-selective abortions and infanticide, but to eradicate the problem from the root we must teach ourselves that a gender is not a ‘way of life’… it’s only a gender, a biological difference. 

I bet if we were to bring up a boy and girl in isolation they would exhibit emotions and preferences conventionally ascribed to both their own gender as well as those ascribed to the opposite gender. It’s only when society and cultural influences come in, that the gender stereotypes begin to emerge in a child. My girl, for example, loves cars instead of dolls, she digs shorts, not skirts, she won’t allow her hair to be pulled into a ponytail , she won’t wear ballerinas, but shoes and has a morbid fear of headbands. She loves any activity that involves getting filthy and tumbling around, and her emotions are never tempered by any feminine restraint. And yet there are times when she’s affectionate, motherly even, and does not flinch from being a diva – like when she says ‘cheese’ for the camera! She’s at once, a girl and a boy, and all of that is because SHE IS HUMAN. 

Perceptions like ‘you must cook because you’re a girl’ or ‘you must be strong because you’re a boy’, may have originated in necessity, so that the man could forage for the family while the woman tended to the home, but those times have come to a close. We live in an age today when our technologies and our education afford both the genders the ability to be either the nurturer or the bread-winner, or even both. Then why must we doggedly hold on to the archaic beliefs about ‘gender roles’? Why should we as parents perpetuate those stereotypes? Why teach our daughters that they must be demure, pliant, understanding, forgiving and kind ONLY because they are girls? And on the contrary teach our sons to be fierce, strong, unabashed and sharp ONLY because they are boys? Are these attributes not human attributes? Why must they be divided to define only a type of gender? 

Being parent to a girl should not be a burden, but being parent to a human being, requiring the same amount of care and effort that one puts into the upbringing of a boy child. Even if our worries about our girls are founded in the loftiest of good intentions, it’s ultimately a way of telling our girls that they are somehow weaker than boys. If we are to breed stronger women, we must start by making them stronger at home, bringing the change in our families, our perceptions, cut off traditions that teach us otherwise, and only then can this become a nationwide, or a worldwide change.

But until this change occurs in the upbringing of every child, boy or girl, and every family member, there will always be an ounce of worry attached to the birth of a girl.



  1. Reblogged this on The Pradita Chronicles and commented:

    Hello Everyone!

    This is regarding my contribution to Candles Online. This week’s topic is The Girl Child, and my article discusses just that. please head over to the link provided below and read, comment and share.

    An update on the Perfectly Imperfect Bunch Blog. Kelley, Becky, Wanji, Bisma and G. have just published their articles on their Poetry Writing Process. Please check out their work by clicking on the links.

    Thank you and have a great weekend!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Well things are definately changing atleast in the educated society where maturity understands the relevance of a child, irrespective of the gender. Women are walking parallel to men be it in any field and have found their mark. The desire of a boy child still exists largely in the rural sector and some of the middle class families for varied reasons but the day may not be far when we all will embrace the baby without first looking between the legs but first glancing at its cute face 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Pradita,
    This article again a great piece from your side. The best paragraph of the whole article is where you have spoken about your daughter and her activities. That literally makes it very clear whether the child is a girl or a boy her behaviours are varied irrespective of its gender because the child is a human. That’s most important. There are many other points that you have explained need applauds of the readers as well. If I keep quoting them here in the comment then it will be another article.

    Excellent write up. Keep it up. God bless you!

    Regards, Dada.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow! Thank you so much Dada. So much praise from you makes me very very happy. Yes, the bottoming of this article was that every gender is ultimately a human. We shouldn’t let our genders interfere with our humanities. Thanks so much again 😊


  4. After a boy I always wanted a girl but yes the pain that I as a mother has undergone during that process of bringing her into the world made me shudder because of the fact that she is a girl and as a girl she has to undergo all the pain that me as a girl and a woman has lived so far. That moment did make me feel the pain that didn’t even exist at that particular moment but a matter of future. Yes it did happen with me.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I know every woman will relate to it because they see their pain being reflected and carried over to their daughters. The ignominy of our times is that there is always a sense of relief attached to the birth of a boy, while a shred of worry attached to a girl’s birth. This needs to change or else even educated women like you and I will Harbour the same beliefs


  5. Kudos Pradita for being so honest about your immediate feelings and reactions. This is very refreshing and unique! A woman is not a freeloader but made to believe that she is so that society can prey on her weakness – excessive guilt and suck her dry. Just as they destroy her sense of self-worth and self-confidence and never let her realize that it is she who makes a home a home. Without her children would never be born, houses would never be born. Just in case she realizes the truth, she is reviled, humiliated and deprived at every turn. Restrictions are placed on women by men because they are insecure, they need to know that it is his baby that she is carrying that she doesnt find someone better than him. Oh your post really set me off – a sure shot sign of a lucid relevant post!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi D. So sorry I’m replying this late. Thank you for reading and commenting about this and I appreciate how honest you have been with me in return. Excessive guilt! You’re right. Rides on our women’s minds itself so that women themselves become their own oppressors. I’m glad my post set off soemthing. I hope it spurs people into doing something positive. Let’s keep our feminine fingers crossed 😉😊


  6. A thought-provoking post on the hypocrisy in society and if this sentence, ‘She’s at once, a girl and a boy, and all of that is because SHE IS HUMAN. ‘ doesn’t create awareness, I don’t know what will.

    Liked by 1 person

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