It was October of 2015 when I decided to live my life alone. My family was supportive enough for me to decide on the same. I did think through it several times before the decision and some times after the decision too, because I didn’t want to spoil anyone’s happiness with it (What caused the decision is out of scope for now 🙂 ) I was prepared for a struggle. I knew the decision is going to bring some repercussions too. I have mentally prepared myself for it, it was the need of the hour. Initially things were fine, thanks to my friends and family for the support, but eventually things had to go bad.
First and the hardest of all was getting expelled out of the Whatsapp group of my family. All of my cousins have a group created. I am elder one of all the cousins of mine, it was tough for me to handle this rejection because, not only communications took a stall, but all of them are like my own children. The age gap always used to make me feel like a mother, and they are very precious for me. The good mornings, gossips, jokes everything vanished in no time, in a second the world flipped the other side. I just couldn’t bear this pain, this was the most that has hurt me in the whole journey till today.
I could not share what was happening with anyone because, my family if they get to know they would be hurt as well. The bonding they have between them is very important too… I cannot disturb them. I can as well say that I have learnt that my cousins really don’t love me and don’t care about them. Sure, but what about the emptiness that’s created ?? Nobody would ping or call me, neither I have that kind of habit.
As much as I was in grief, I was worried about myself. I am not the kind of person who expects much from another, but what’s all this ??? These are called “unsaid expectations”, which are implicit because of the roles we play and responsibilities we take up in relationships.
As long as these small expectations of ours are getting fulfilled, we really take them for granted. May be we should consider to be thankful instead. Some argue that there is no meaning for life without expectations. I want to give a different dimension to the thought process.
Let’s consider this scenario. A mother and child relationship is the most sacred and the most selfless love we get to experience.
- Can a mother expect her child to love her back for all the sacrifices she made ?
- Can a mother expect her child to not hate her ? (Not hating is not loving either)
I am sure, if we try to answer these questions, we have to find diplomatic answers. But the truth is no matter what the relationship is, there should not be expectations. What are you thinking now ? “Am I a monk to not expect anything from others ?”, is that your question ? same was mine when I was pondering over for an answer.
I cannot expect my family or friends to
- Have a coffee along with me
- Come over for lunch at my place
- Text / call me
- Watch a movie along with me
- Spend an evening laughing together, cracking jokes
- Check on me at times…
but, I can desire that one day some of these may come true.
All of us should have realistic desires of what we want from others, but remember that desire comes with a probability, it may or may not happen, where as an expectation is not so. When we expect something, we imagine how exactly someone would behave, or what exactly the result would be, often this can lead to disappointment because, in reality something different may happen. The uncertainty of desire is where the beauty lies and let’s us be prepared for things which may happen in not so favor of us.
When a young man falls in love and confesses it for the girl, there is nothing wrong in desiring an acceptance, but he would as well be prepared for a rejection because, he never had an expectation.
We don’t have to give up on everything to be expectation less. I still buy clothes I like, sleep and wake up at my will, cook the food I like, travel to places I love .
- what is that I have lost of not having expectations ?
- What is that I would gain if I have expectations ?
Having expectation on something we don’t have control on would yield no results. It is not only on people, but imagine you are cooking a new dish, if you expect that it would be yummy and it just turns out to be good, you would be disappointed with yourself too. Unfortunately the measure of an expectation is binary, either you meet it or not. We won’t be happy that the dish is edible :p instead feel bad that it isn’t as yummy as we have expected it to be…
Have a desire for everything you don’t have a control on and expectation where you can control, life would look all the more worth living.