The thing with Hope is that it never dies. Even when you believe that none of it left – somewhere down deep inside, it still resides in your heart silently and when the time comes it just bounces back.
I have had this feeling of losing hope completely so many times in my life.
First time was when I was travelling from Mumbai to Bangalore in a train. I had spent a couple of months after my engineering in a job hunt. I couldn’t find anything worthwhile. There were plenty of rejections from all around. I have always been a bright student and so I was not really good taking rejection at the interviews. That train journey – I had a thought “I wish this train meets with an accident and I am the only person to die” or “I wish I had the courage to jump off”. I was just so frustrated with my life and this is closest I have been to the thoughts of suicide. That was the moment when I thought I had lost all hopes that I would be able to setup my career the way I want to. But I hadn’t. Because I had constant nagging feeling in my head that things will just work out – they have to. It cannot go wrong and I cannot lose myself this way. If it wasn’t that nagging feeling – it would have been easier to jump off the train.
Second time I thought I lost all hope when I and Kapil wanted to get married and our families wouldn’t agree. And both of us were very sure that we do want to get married but we won’t do that without our families. No matter how much we tried – things just went wrong. There were judgments, perceptions and so much negativity in the two families for each other. And I had already created my future with him in my head; I had dreamt of having kids with him, I had this whole life already figured out with him. Yet no results!
Again there was a nagging feeling that told me over and over again that if I cannot imagine myself with somebody else then this just has to happen. And it happened!
Third time in the year 2014 – I was on serious medication because I miscarried once and was not able to conceive again. There was no reason for it as per the medical reports and yet there was no baby. Again I gave in as much as I could – nasty hospital visits, multiple scans, medicines and with all that immense weight gain and mood swings as a side effect. It appeared to me that my life was only around medicines and ultrasound scans at that time. And I was also going through a horrible time at work during the same period. My job was a complete disaster then. There was nothing I could do to help myself and still felt that there is no hope for a baby anymore. We had almost given up and were already considering other alternatives to have a baby, when there was still a nagging voice in my head “that it is going to be ok, just do what you can do and leave the rest to God”.
I followed that voice and realized that maybe there is nothing much I can do about having a baby but my career is still in my hands. And I got out of that disastrous job and found myself another job which made much more relaxed and easy. The new job and responsibilities also helped me not to constantly pity myself. And to my extreme surprise when I completed a month in my new job – I was already 5 weeks pregnant. I couldn’t believe it initially because I had stopped taking medicines since quite some time then. But then hope worked.
There is always nagging feeling in my head when things go wrong (and sometimes they terribly go wrong) – “It is just a phase. Like all good ones, this will also get over and life would be normal again”. This nagging feeling is what I name as HOPE. When there is nothing else left to try and I feel like giving up – this voice just gives me a new reason to believe.
And it never gives up on me… never dies!